Age: 19
Location: Kellin's bed
Not like that, jeez...
It had only been a week since Kellin found out the truth about Justin. I had been thinking about if I should tell him that I knew before he told me but I've decided I don't need to do so. He might read it completely differently and think that I was hiding it from him for a long time, while I only hid it for an hour. It won't help Kellin feel any better so therefore I have decided that there's no need to tell him. In the moment I want to do everything I can to make Kellin feel better, not worse.
A big plus from my side about how it ended between Kellin and Justin is his neediness. Don't get me wrong, I hate seeing my best friend upset obviously, but something good came out of it. Kellin had asked me the first three nights if I could sleep with him in his bed which I had obviously agreed on.
The fourth night he didn't ask me to do so and therefore I crawled into my own bed, thinking Kellin wanted some more privacy. That ended up with him throwing a pillow at me and whining about how I'm supposed to sleep in his bed and comfort him.
He was being a whiny little shit from time to time the past week. But I'm in love with the whiny little shit so I can't bring myself to be bothered by it even if I try. Kellin was vulnerable and I don't want to say that I'm using that but I guess I am a little bit. He's been letting me spoil him with affection this last week, never questioning it.
He's practically been acting as if we're dating to be honest. Wanting me to sleep in the same bed as him, sitting in my lap all the time, cuddling with me. I didn't mind it one bit, I took the opportunity to be this close to Kellin. When he starts getting over Justin he'll probably become less clingy so I'm going to enjoy the moment for as long as I can.
Currently we're in his bed. Not sexually though, unfortunately. We are both on our sides with me spooning Kellin from behind. I don't know for sure if he's asleep yet or not so therefore I don't dare to move. He's been wiggling around a bit for a while but finally stopped doing so which I think means he's about to fall asleep.
Though his wiggling has gotten me into a situation where I need to scoot away from him a bit, just so that he won't feel me getting harder by the second and pressing against his butt. When I'm convinced that Kellin is asleep I scoot away from him a bit, letting out a sigh of relief once there's not as much pressure down there. Though I get stopped mid-sigh as I hear Kellin letting out a sniffle.
"Kels? Are you awake?"
"No.."
"I'm not that stupid"
I practically crawl over Kellin so that I can see his face, seeing that just like I thought he's crying. I roll off of him again and instead I pull Kellin on top of me, hugging his body close to my own. He lets down his guard and starts bawling into my chest. Since I'm shirtless I can clearly feel the wetness on my chest as his tears hit it.
"What's wrong Kels?" I ask him, moving my hand over his head, practically petting him.
"Nothing, I just can't stop thinking about Justin.. I can't get the image out of my head of when I found him with Jack. At first they didn't even stop when I entered the room since they were so caught up in the moment. I just feel so stupid you know, I should have understood. I should have fucking understood that he would get tired of waiting and sleep with someone else. I just feel stupid, so fucking stupid and so fucking used by him and it really, it really just sucks.." He rants, his tone raising as he speaks until it's quiet in the end.
I hate this. I hate how Kellin keeps blaming himself for what happened, thinking that it's his own fault when it isn't. I can't be mad at him for thinking so, I can only feel bad for him, which I do.
"Kels, I don't know what it will take for you to believe me about this but really, listen to me. What happened is not your fault, and you are not the one to be blamed. Justin was the one who cheated on you, it's his fault. How were you supposed to know that he's a fucking asshole. He should not have gotten tired of waiting for you, okay? Anyone would be lucky to have you Kels. You should be with a person who appreciates you, who loves you and who will wait for you to be ready" You should be with me...
Kellin turns around to look at me. His eyes are still filled with tears but at least they aren't falling down his cheeks anymore. He sits up in bed before throwing a leg over my waist, making me gulp. Don't notice, don't notice, don't notice...
"Vic? Do you really mean all those things? Do you really believe I'm the kind of person that is worth waiting for?"
"I know you are that kind of person"
Kellin smiles down at me from his position where he's still straddling me, driving me crazy. He intertwines our fingers on both hands before speaking up.
"Thank you. Not just for that cute little speech you just held, but for all the cute little speeches you've held to me. You've always been there for me when I've been upset and crying over my stupid boyfriends. You always know what to say to make it all better," he says, rubbing his thumbs over my hands.
Is he aware of the kind of position we are in right now? Is he actually not bothered by it? Does he actually think this is usually how best friends are, because I don't think so. I'm not complaining but holy fuck is it hard to not act strange right now.
Both of us are only dressed in underwear. Kellin is straddling me and if he would just move half an inch back he would feel me pressing against his ass. We're holding hands, our fingers intertwined. Intertwined for fuck's sake! I'm practically shaking with nerves right now. All I want to do is roll us over and kiss the shit out of him. Self control Vic, self control...
My thoughts thankfully get interrupted by Kellin who speaks up, though in the same damn position as before. I never thought I would complain about Kellin straddling me.
"Vic? I just realized something," he says, finally moving off of me and laying down on his side next to me instead.
"What?"
"Over all the time we've known each other I've never heard you talk about a partner. Actually you've never even mentioned liking someone. Have I just been busy rambling about my struggles with boyfriends and missed it or have you never liked someone?" he asks and I can feel my cheeks heating up at the question.
"Um, I have liked someone.. I kind of have my eyes set on someone right now too but it's not important. I'm convinced that person doesn't like me back anyway so I don't want to make things awkward by telling them only to get rejected by them," I mumble, trying to look anywhere but into Kellin's eyes who are staring at me with interest.
"But who? Even if you don't tell them you can tell me who it is. Come on I'm your best friend and I know you feel sorry for me about everything with Justin, can't you give me that at least?" he whines, blinking multiple times making his eyes look all pleading and innocent.
"Nah.. Like I said, it's not important anyway. Plus you with your big mouth would probably tell someone"
"So does that mean that I know them? Do I know the person that might be the future Mr.Fuentes?" he beams, smiling widely and making me laugh at his childish behavior.
"I guess you could say that. But can we please talk about something else, let's talk about you. Are you really okay right now Kels? With the whole Justing thing?"
"I'm fine, I'm just worried.." He mumbles, crawling closer to me. He pushes me back a bit so that I'm fully on my back before he crawls on top of me and rests his head on my chest.
"Worried?"
"I really thought Justin and I could be something, and now look how wrong I was about that. I'm seriously starting to worry that I won't find someone. It feels like every time I've met someone I've gotten just slightly interested in for the past years it's been ruined somehow, I swear the universe hates me or something. I don't like being a virgin at the age of nineteen, but I know it doesn't help to rush those kind of things but seriously I'm about to do so. I'm getting desperate here. And I always wanted to get married early, which I still do. My plan has always been to get married around twenty five and then a year or a couple of years later have kids. I'm just scared I'll never have that.."
The longer Kellin talks the more guilty I feel. That Justin cheated isn't my fault but the other things he mentioned is. If it wasn't for me he might have still been dating Matty. Or he could have had the chance to dated Oli, or basically anyone of the guys he's been flirting with at parties that I purposely ruined his chances with.
I feel myself getting close to crying as tears bubble up in my eyes, and I am not the kind of person who cries very often.
Kellin must notice this as he lifts his head up from my chest and gives me a questioning look.
"Vic? Are you crying? What's wrong, why are you crying?" He asks frantically, probably because he rarely has to deal with me crying. It's more often me comforting him when he is crying, not the other way around.
"Fuck.." I mutter to myself, only making Kellin look more confused
"I've fucked up so bad, shit. I'm such a dick.." I mutter, scolding myself.
"Vic, what are you talking about? You are not a dick, you're literally the nicest guy I know" Kellin says as an attempt to comfort me. But I know that the only reason he can say that is because he doesn't know what I've done to him these past years.
"Kels.. I have to tell you something. And once I've told you this I don't think you're gonna see me as the nicest guy you know anymore. If you hate me I get it, I do. Because right now I fucking hate myself for what I've done to you" I say.
Kellin looks at me with wide eyes, filled with innocence and confusion. He sits up, though he is now back to straddling me.
"Vic seriously what's going on? You're kind of scaring me when you say things like that"
"It's my fault that you feel that way. It's my fault that you're scared you're never gonna find someone. The only thing I'm not responsible for is Justin cheating on you, but everything else is because of me. I was the one who ruined your first date ever, the one you went on with Matty. I purposely acted like an idiot and kissed you in front of Oli, it wasn't just because I was drunk. I've been ruining all your relationships because I hated the thought of you dating all those people and I didn't think about how much it would hurt you but now I do and I'm so sorry, I'm so fucking sorry" I ramble, tears streaming down my face as I finish.
Kellin just looks at me for a long time. He just sits in my lap in silence while staring at me. The only sounds filling the room are my sniffling and our heavy breathing. I almost think you can hear my heartbeat as well as I am freaking out inside, scared as hell that Kellin is going to hate me.
"Why?" Is the first thing that Kellin asks me after minutes of silence.
With a small ironic chuckle I wipe the tears from my cheeks before answering his question, might as well come clean about the whole truth as I've already told him the most.
"Because I've been hopelessly in love with you since we were fourteen"
A gasp escapes Kellin's lips as I tell him this before he just looks at me in pure shock. He stares right into my eyes, as if he's trying to figure out if I'm telling the truth or not.
"You're in love with me?"
"More than you'd ever guess" I say.
My voice comes out as steady but on the inside I'm loosing it. Telling the truth feels good, it's a heavy weight lifted off my shoulders but the fear is still there. I don't know what will happen between Kellin and I, so far our friendship has survived everything it's been through. But can our friendship last through this as well?
I don't even realize that I've averted my gaze and aren't looking at Kellin until he reaches out and gently holds my chin, making me look at him again. Tears are filling his eyes, threatening to fall over. I'm about to ask him why he's crying but I have no chance to do so as Kellin presses his lips against mine.
It feels as if all air leaves my lungs and I'm floating into outer space. This isn't the first time we've kissed, but it is the first time we've kissed like this. The only times we've kissed before was when we graduated and Kellin had only done so out of happiness and the other time we kissed I was wasted.
As Kellin presses his lips against mine this time, I never want him to stop. I press my lips harder against his and wrap my arms around him, scared that he'll fade away and that this will turn out to be a dream. But Kellin doesn't fade away, he's still here and as we pull away from the kiss to catch our breaths he's still sitting in my lap.
I want to say something, anything. Ask him what that was for, ask him if he's mad at me but it's like I've suddenly just forgot how to talk and therefore Kellin beats me to it.
"Even though you're a fucking idiot for doing that, it's the sweetest thing someone has ever done for me," he says before kissing me again.
Of course I kiss him back immediately, I've waited for this moment for five years. I wrap my arms tighter around Kellin's waist, bringing our bodies closer together as he tangles his fingers in my hair. By now his butt is in the perfect position for me to be pressing against him but I can't bring myself to care or feel embarrassed about it. I am the one to eventually pull away from the kiss, needing to ask Kellin something.
"Wait, Kels... We're kissing, we don't usually kiss. I mean not that I'm complaining but, what does this mean? For us?"
"It means I should have dated you instead of those other guys. You're the one that's always been there for me and you're the only one that I know will keep being there for me through it all," he whispers.
"Kels.. Are you sure you're not just saying this not to hurt me? Do you actually have feelings for me?"
"I've been asking you to sleep in my bed with me for the past week, and you've done so. In underwear only. What the hell do you think dumbass?"
I chuckle a bit at him but don't take any offense, maybe I should have realized that. I just never dared to believe he had mutual feelings for me.
"I love you" I whisper before leaning in and kissing him again.
The kiss grows desperate in a matter of seconds as we move our lips frantically against each other. In one move I flip us over so that we're both lying down on the bed instead of sitting up and Kellin is under me. Kellin lets out a faint gasp against my lips as I do this and I take the opportunity to slide my tongue into his mouth.
Kellin takes me by surprise as his hand suddenly starts wandering south, his fingers lightly trailing over the more than obvious bulge in my underwear. At this I break off the kiss which results in a whine from Kellin.
"Kels I don't think we should take things too far" I tell him, but it doesn't seem like my words have such a big effect on him.
Kellin just moves his lips to my neck, kissing and nibbling lightly on the sensitive skin. I close my eyes and let out a shaky breath as I try calming myself down which seems almost impossible thanks to what Kellin is doing.
When he moves his hand over my bulge again I muster up some self control and takes hold of Kellin's wrist. Once again he whines out but accepts it and removes his lips from my neck.
"Kels, trust me when I tell you this is the hardest thing I've had to do in a while, but I'm not having sex with you tonight"
"Why not?" he whines making me chuckle at him.
"Because, half an hour ago you were crying about Justin and what he did to you. You're hurt, your feelings are a bit all over the place and I don't want to take advantage of you"
"You're not taking advantage of me, I'm literally giving you the advantage"
"Well, in that case. Thank you for the offer but no thanks. You will thank me for this someday" I tell him with a strict look.
"Fine, be your own cockblock" Kellin mutters before crawling out from underneath me and laying down on his side, his back against me.
"Babe, please don't be mad at me"
"I'm not mad, I'm grumpy. Now shut up and come cuddle me so I can sleep," he huffs.
With a smile on my lips I scoot closer to Kellin so that I'm spooning him again. I wrap an arm around his waist and gently press my lips against his neck before falling asleep with a warm tingly feeling in my stomach. I think I can finally call Kellin mine. After five years he's mine.
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