Dawn's POV
We go inside and then Ryder leaves.
Father's truck wasn't in the driveway, which is odd because he's supposed to be home.
We walk through the hall, and as soon as I'm in the lunging room, I'm pressed against the wall with a giant hand around my throat.
"I'm going to have a guest over in two days," he says, "I need you to go to the store tomorrow and get food."
And with that, he releases me and go to the kitchen.
We go to my room and school work. I help him with geometry and when we're done, we sit in silence.
"If he knows you can talk, then why are you still acting mute?" He asks.
I think about it for a a little bit because I don't even know why.
I wait until I have an answer to speak.
"I guess I just... don't want to get close with him," I say.
He looks at me like I'm dumb and says, "but you're already close with him," as if it's the most obvious thing in the world.
"I mean-" i stop, not sure how to say what I mean, "if I talk to him, I'm scared it will be harder to keep things from him."
"Do you like him?"
I think about it.
I get butterfly's when he takes my hand or says my name. My heart swells when he wants to talk to me. I blush when he says something nice. I like it when he's around me. I know I may like him, I just don't want to admit it. I guess it's time that I do.
"Yeah," I smile a little, "I do."
Jesse smiles at me.
"Would you look at that, Dawn has feelings," he says sarcastically. I blush and shove him off the bed and he laughs.
"Maybe he likes you, too."
"No," I shake my head, "guys like him don't like girls like me."
"What are girls like you?"
I sigh and say, "Girls like me don't have a chance with good, handsome, sweet guys. He wants someone with beautiful skin and soft lips and a pretty face. A girl with a good life like this his. A normal girl. He belongs with a normal girl."
"Dawn what our life is like does not define us," he says quietly.
"Even if he did, we couldn't be together. What if we love again? Out of the blue? Then what? The both of us would be heart broken," I state.
We sit in silence. Thinking.
"Sis, we need to get out of here."
I nod.
"I know."
"Soon," he adds.
I don't look at him.
"I know."
I don't know when we can leave, or where we'd go, or how we'd get there, or what we'd do. I want to leave my father, I just wish we could stay in this town. I like it here, I have friends. I have hope here. Something will change here. Something has to.
We lay down in bed, and try to go to sleep, but there's too much on both of our minds.
****
The next morning, before we leave, I grab the grocery money dad left on the counter so we can go after school.
Dad's truck is in the shop, so one of his work friends is driving to and from work for a few days.
As we walk to school, Jesse tells me about his friends and how they want him to go over for a night.
"When?" I ask.
"This weekend, but I know I won't be able to, so it's cool if I say no."
As we walk into school, Jesse's friend come up to us. They tell me hello and start talking to Jesse about some new video game they have.
I'm glad he has friends. He seems happier.
I walk to my locker and wave a hello at Ryder.
"Hey," he smiles brightly and I feel my stomach do flips at his beautiful smile.
We walk to class and sit in our seats.
He stares at me, and when I look at him, he looks away.
"I really really want to know who did that to you," he says quietly.
I shrug. I really wish he'd just let it go.
We have a substitute teacher today, so there's no work.
We busy ourselves by playing tic-tax-toe and hang man. He's really bad at both.
"Dammit!" He shouted, making the class stare at us.
I chuckle and write 'wanna play again?'
"No," he says as he starts pouting.
The bell rings and we move on through the day.
In automotive, I helped Ryder with putting parts together and taking others apart.
"You're very different," he says.
Trust me, I know.
"You know cars," he says as he looks at me and smirks, "it's kind of hot."
My eyes turn into saucers and my face turns hundreds of shades of red as I freeze.
His smirk grows as he laughs.
I didn't do any work for the rest of the period.
When schools ends, Ryder was okay with going to the store with us. He pushed the cart, with Jesse in it, while I lead the way.
We get pasta noodles and sauces, milk, coffee, tea, meat, and other things.
I was in an isle by myself because Ryder and Jesse were looking at video games. I had to get peanut butter, but it was on a high self that I couldn't reach.
I jumped as high as I could, but couldn't reach.
I huffed in annoyance.
"Need some help?" Ryder chuckles. He didn't have the cart or Jesse.
I look at him in a panic.
"Oh, he has it. He's getting everything else."
I nod.
I look at the peanut butter and jumped one more time, but still landed empty handed. Ryder laughs at me and gets himself with ease.
We check out and stop at my house to put the groceries away.
Father is working late tonight.
"I've never been in you're house before," Ryder says, stating the obvious.
Luckily, we cleaned the house last night. Got rid of all the empty alcohol bottles and cans that were scattered around the floor and covered the smell with candles. As long as he doesn't look in the fridge or dad's room, we're good.
"Where's your room?" He asks, and I point up the stairs.
He nods.
"Are we working here?"
I shake my head while Jesse says no. He looks at us weirdly but says okay.
Before we pulled out of the driveway, Ryder asked me to point at my window. I pointed at the one with the dark purple, almost black curtains and he nods.
While in the car, Ryder and Jesse sing their hearts out to the radio.
There are so many sides to Ryder. When I first met him, he was always really serious and an ass. He was the bad boy. The made fun of me and didn't want anything to do with me. Now he's singing to the radio like a nut case, trying to protect me, and complementing me. He been hanging out with me more than his friends lately and I kind of feel bad about it.
We get to his house, I tell his mother hello as we walk into the kitchen.
She has cookies on the counter and offers them to us, so we each get a glass of milk and a cookie.
Ryder and I get out paper and pencils and get to work on asking and and answering questions while Jesse plays board games with Ryder's sister.
"You like music, right?" I nod, "What's your favorite song to play on the piano?" He asks.
'A Thousand Years by Christina Perri'
Cheesy I know.
"Why?"
'It is my moms favorite to play it for my dad'
I scribble over where I almost wrote was instead of is.
My mom would play it for him because the song was about love and the sound of the piano for it was beautiful. She loved it.
'What's your favorite song to play on your guitar?'
He thinks it over while eating a cookie. I haven't had one, I just sip on the milk.
"My Heart I Surrender by I Prevail. Ever heard it?" He asks.
I shake my head. It has an intriguing name though.
"Okay, what's your favorite song to hear on a guitar?" He asks.
'I haven't heard much music so I don't really know'
I give him the paper and shrug.
He nods and says, "Well, my favorite song to hear on the piano is My Immortal by Evanescence. It's a good song, too."
I nod.
'What's your favorite song?'
"I can't decide. All the music I listen to is good, you?"
'So Cold by Ben Cocks'
(A/N: song at top)
I hesitate to let him see the song at first.
He nods and says he'd listen to it.
He munches on his cookies and then looks at me weirdly
"Are you got going to eat any cookies?" He asks.
I shake my head again.
"You never eat at school, and you barley eat here when we offer you food," he says with his eyebrows furrowed. I shrug.
We're only given enough money by our father for one person to eat lunch at school, and my body is so used to not eating that I'll get sick if I have too much food or food with a lot of sugar.
"Why?" He asks, his facial expression and tone telling me that I better not argue.
'We have big breakfasts at home in the mornings and i don't want to intrude by eating your food'
He rolls his eyes and says, "your turn"
I decide on a question.
'Why do you care about me so much?'
He stares at the writing for a little bit, then looks at me.
"Because you're my friend," he says warmly, "and you're a good friend and past all your... quietness and distantness, you're a good, nice person," he put his hand on my knee and my heart races, "and you're so easy to talk to, like I know that if I tell you something, you'll listen and keep it between us. And I like caring about you, it makes me happy... if that makes sense."
I stare at him, trying to tell if he's just messing with me, but he has nothing but sincerity written all over him.
"Dawn," he says softly. He goes quiet, as if debating on if he should say the rest.
He takes a breath and says, "I can see you. Like, I can see in your eyes that you aren't happy," my heart stops, "I see that eyes are just pools of nothing. That they're dull. You're very detached. And the only time I've ever seen your perfect teeth was when you tasted that cake we made, " he looks down.
"You never actually smile, or laugh. I'd love to hear your laugh, Dawn," he says smiling, "and I see that your clothes are too big for you," I look down at myself, panicking, "I see that they hang off of you and that you're not as big as you're letting on- maybe not even big at all. All I'm trying to say is that I'm here for you. I pay attention to you. I'm your friend and you can trust me no matter what." I put my hand over his that's still on my knee.
I let out a breath, and nod.
I didn't know he payed so much attention.
"What makes you happy?" He asks.
I don't answer because I don't know. I haven't been happy in a long time, I can't even remember how it feels. The weird thing is that I think I feel happy in the town, but still not happy enough to consider it being happy. He makes me feel what happiness could feel like. He makes me feel comfortable and relaxed. But I won't tell him that. Because I'm his friend. Not his girlfriend. Not his crush. Not the girl he wants. Not the girl he needs. He's my friend and I'm his friend. Nothing more nothing less. Just friends.
I shrug and look down. I take my hand off his and put my empty glass in the sink.
I tap my wrist with my finger, indicating that I had to go.
He takes us home, and we see our dad still isn't there.
We go to bed peacefully and I start to doze off thinking of what all Ryder said.
He's so observant. I can't believe he's noticed and seen so much. No one has ever payed so much attention to me. I'm a little worried about my clothes, though. How much of my body can you see? Can you see my tiny stomach? My scrawny arms and legs? I need to do better at hiding and concealing things.
My eyes- he said my eyes are dull. I know they are. I know how bright they used to be, so, to me, they're duller than they'd appear to someone else.
He also said I'm detached. I know I am. I try to stay away from people and my emotions, it makes things easier. But in this town, I'm connected to my emotions more than I've ever been since my mom passed.
My walls are slowly crumbling down. The walls I worked so long to make. The walls that separated me from everyone- the walls that made things easier. He is breaking my walls down one day at a time, and I want to see what will happen. I don't want him to stop, I want to let him in.
I lightly turn over, trying not to wake Jesse.
I sigh and close my eyes.
"He sees me," I whisper to myself.
And with that, I fall asleep.