Real love doesn't meet you at your best. It meets you in your mess.
— J.S. Park
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Chapter 31
Camila's POV
"How are you, Mani?" I ask. We're currently sitting at the library so we can talk a little private. Ally and Alex are incharge of talking to Dinah simce everything between this two is still a chaos.
"I honestly don't know. Everything in my head is a mess. I still can't think straight."
I stare at Mani. She's so emotionally deprived. Her under eye is so dark and it's so obvious that she haven't been sleeping well for days. Whereas Dinah, she's hurt. Well, obviously, she is. She felt like Mani just used her as a rebound and lead her on, make her happy for a short period of time and then dump her just like that. And I can't help myself not to think about Shawn every time I'm looking at Dinah. Is he like that when I chose Lauren over him? And just like Mani, I suddenly felt bad.
"What happened to this?" I snap out from my thoughts when Normani suddenly grab a hold of my arm that has bruises all over my skin. A mark of Lauren's aggressiveness the last week we make love.
Her thumb caressing it softly with her eyes darted on me, waiting for my answer.
"Oh...I, uhm, accidentally hit the corner table." I chuckled, "You know me, Mani. I'm a clumsy one."
"Are you sure? She didn't hurt you or anything?"
She didn't mean to. "Yeah. Yeah, I'm sure."
When the bell rings, Mani and I grab our stuff and headed to our class. Since we had a different sched, Mani parted ways while I make a quick stop at my locker to grab some books.
"Hey, uhm, Camila," I turn my face to my right and I saw Peter leaning against the locker next to mine.
"Hey," I smiled. Peter is my art partner. He's a cute guy. Nerd but he had this Johnny Depp kind of charisma.
"I just wanna clarify some things. You and I are partners right? In art class."
"Mh-mm."
"Well," Peter push back his glasses using the tip of his finger, "I've been thinking if we could work to our project a little early? There's family stuff that I need to attend this coming next next week"
"Sure, sure, no problem. If it suits you, we could start working tomorrow."
Peter smiles, holding my arm. He softly caress it using his thumb. And this cute grateful gesture of Peter is what makes him even more cuter. "Thank you, Camila. I really appreciate—"
I gasp when a fist suddenly collided against Peter's face, causing him to fell down on the floor with blood streaming down on his nose. "Oh my god, Peter!" I quickly get down on my knees to check him out.
"Don't you fucking dare touch my girlfriend ever again!" It was Lauren speaking angrily. Before I even know it, Lauren grab my arm and drag me somewhere who knows. I look back to look at Peter and mouthed "I'm so sorry."
Lauren dragged me inside the janitor's room. I look at her and her face is crumpled. She's angry and jealous, it's so obvious. And she's literally being unreasonable right now.
"What the fuck was that?" I questioned firmly, waiting for some good explanation on why the hell is she throwing hands just like that.
Her green eyes shift on me. And as we stare on each other, her expression slowly soften. Lauren parted her lips. She open her mouth to say something but then close it by locking her lips against mine. Lauren wrapped her arms around my waist, pulling me closer to her as our lips dance in sync. And suddenly, I forgot everything. My mind completely shuts down that all I can think of is the feeling of her lips on mine and how she held me closer in her arms. Soft, safe, and lullaby.
When the air becomes an issue, Lauren pulled away and rest her forehead against mine. I haven't open my eyes yet and my lips are still parted taking my time to seize the long lasting feeling of the kiss she gave me.
"I'm stupidly jealous, Camila. I only want you to be touch by me. I don't want anyone else. Just me."
Though my eyes are still close, I can feel her eyes bore at the back of my head at the weight of her stare.
I open my eyes at the sound of her soft chuckle, "I love you so damn much, Cabello." Her words resonates in my ear, and it is not because of love but her words are more on being possessive. Marking me as her own.
That's it. That's the cue. I slam her back against the wall and crash my lips against hers. We kiss for a moment, the intense and heated one.
The feeling of her tongue against my skin.
The feeling of myself on her lips.
Fuck, I can no longer think straight.
I was high from her kisses. Her hands wandering to every corner of my body making me feel like I am floating.
Her talented tongue against my body wipe every thoughts running in my head. I deepen our kiss and play the zipper of her jeans.
"Lauren..."
Her lips moved to my neck, "Hmm?"
"Is the door lock?"
The green eyed brunette ignore my question, she instead suck my skin below my jaw. A small audible moan escape from my lips, but I needed an answer.
The very last thing I want to happen is to get caught having sex in the janitor's room.
"Lauren,"
Lauren pulled away with a sigh, "I really don't mind having an audience watching us, you know?"
"But I do!"
"Yes, it is locked. God, you're always ruining the moment."
I furrowed my eyebrows before I slap her in the chest, "You're crazy."
Lauren giggled, "And you're out of your mind."
Gripping on my hair, Lauren slam her lips over mine. She took my thigh and motioned me to wrap it around her hips, so I did. Without disconnecting the kiss, Lauren walk over until I'm already sitting at the counter.
I can feel my body is on fire and this making out that we were doing is not enough to fulfill the desire that I have. I want us to just get fully naked, bodies crashing on each other. I want to hear her breathing slowly getting heavy because of my touch. I want to feel it all. I need it all.
Luckily, Lauren seems to think with her dick. And her dick agrees with me.
She made a quick work of removing my shirt, my bra, and my jeans. Her hands instantly move to cup my breast, kissing my shoulder. Her kisses trail down in between my breast down to my stomach. Every time her tongue touches my skin, the muscle contracts. I watch Lauren slowly getting down on me, I love it. I love the feeling of Lauren Jauregui down on me, kissing my trembling thighs. I feel dominant in this way.
"Condom, Lauren. Put it on before I leave you aroused in your jeans. Again."
Lauren look up to me. Her expression was a little bit taken a back at the tone of my voice.
Slowly, smirk creeps on her face. Lauren is amused, and she loves it when she gets amuse by something. It turns her on. Ofcourse, it's Lauren jauregui that we're talking about here.
And damn, I love it. How I love being superior over her in this particular department.
Lauren quickly slips her hand inside the pocket of her jeans. When she pulled her hand out, Lauren quickly stripped naked. Opening her palm, Lauren ripped off the yelllow jolly rancher look like sachet.
There is a reason why I no longer eat jolly rancher. I feel like I'm chewing a condom.
"It's banana flavor, your favorite."
I almost got choke— Oh wait, hold on. I really did got choke.
"What?"
"This," Lauren pointed at her condom that is now on her dick, "it's banana flavor. You can try it."
"I like pussy. But for some fortunate reason, you have a dick so might as well try it yourself."
Lauren chuckled, leaning closer to me. "You still haven't change. You're still that girl I knew." And before I could even react, Lauren was over me for a second. Her face buried on my neck.
Every nerve of my body was hyper aware of every touch and every move of our bodies.
She palm my breast for a moment before pinching my nipple between her fingers. "Leave your marks on my skin, will you? I love staring at them."
Lauren softly hummed, I'm about to add something but Lauren cupped my breast using her mouth. I curled my toes at the sweet shock that filled me.
A moan escape from my lips as she went to work. Lips, tongue, hands, as Lauren positioned herself in my entrance. Her movements are slow, slow yet so alluringly addictive. It's like she's killing me softly.
A loud moan tore my throat when Lauren push herself inside me.
And then we snapped all over again at the undescribable pleasure that both of us are riding out.
There was nothing sweet in our sex. No, it was the exact definition of fucking. We both need to satisfy our own desire, our own hunger.
It was like we were almost fighting. I met her thrust for thrust, nails digging on her back.
And the way her hips can shake me, I just...I just lost it all.
And every time my nails dug in, Lauren would growl a curse, thrusting even more harder.
The room filled with groans, curse, and our moans along with the counter that repeatedly banging against the wall.
I was so sure I make her bleed, but she don't mind. Lauren even liked it.
"Fuck, Camila..."
Fingers gripping hard against my hips, followed by my own scream as the angels finally come through.
Having sex with Lauren feels like a storm. But fuck it, it was amazing. It's always been.
And if I'm going compare the sex we had before to now, those are sacred and full of love. Right now, I don't feel it that way. I don't know, I just don't. Don't get me wrong, I love her way too much. And I agree to sleep with her because I love her, and I also know that she loves me. But ever since she unintentionally hurt me during our make love, I knew in that moment something inside of her change. Whatever it is, I don't know. But I hope that change won't destroy us. I'm not prepared to lose her. No, I can't afford to lose the girl I love more than anything. I just can't.
I pulled her in and lock my lips against hers, savoring the feeling of her back muscles contracting as she thrust on me.
My eyes rolled in the back of my head, "Lauren, I-I..."
Lauren wrapped her arms around my waist as she gently lay me down, adjusting her position so she sank deeper inside me.
I lost my ability to think clearly either to speak anything but moans and grunts as she fucked me. I wrapped my arms around her neck, pulling her down so I can feel her on top of me.
I needed her. I needed this. I need..."Fuck, Lauren,"
Lauren harmoniously moan, breathing heavily against my neck. I felt her lips against my neck, leaving her mark. The way she held me, I couldn't move that much, but all enough for me to feel the intensity and electrifying pleasure that she reaped from my body.
Her movements became erratic. Almost frenetic.
My moans rose in pitch.
Thrusting slowly, Lauren let me ride out my orgasm before she pulled out herself inside me and collapse her body on top of my exhausted naked body.
"Do you know something, Camila?" Lauren asked. She pulled away and get down on the floor to fetch our clothes.
I push my elbows back, pushing myself up. Using her shirt, Lauren wipe away the beads of sweat that keeps rolling down to the side of my face down to my neck.
"You are pretty much the only thing that makes me want to get up in the morning."
I smiled, scanning her face while caressing her cheek softly. "I think I need to make a vow."
"A vow?"
I nod my head, "That I will fiercely love you in all your forms, now and forever. I promise to never forget that this is a once in a lifetime love."
Lauren smiled, planting a soft kiss on my lips. We fix ourselves before we exit the janitor's room. Luckily, the students passing by in the hallway have their own business to mind.
As we walk in the hallway hand in hand, Lauren suddenly ask. "How's Dinah by the way?"
"Still heart broken."
The green eyed brunette shakes her head, "Selfish bitch."
I quickly slap her arm. I know she's talking about Normani and what she's going through is never been easy.
"Don't talk to her like that."
We stop from walking, Lauren looking at me with a furrowed eyebrows. "So now, what? You're taking her side?"
"I'm not taking anyone's side, okay? Dinah is my best friend, so does Normani."
"And I'm your girlfriend."
"So you want me to hate her as well just because you hate her and you are my girlfriend? Is that what you're trying to say?"
"This shit is pretty obvious, right?"
I scoff, "You're being unreasonable jerk! First, you punch Peter out of fucking nowhere. And now you want me to hate Normani too? How fucking great." I throw my hands in the air as I started to walk away, but then Lauren blocked my way.
"Fucking hell, Camila! You are so fucking dense! He is clearly flirting with you! And Normani, she's just using this fucking break up situation to get close to you. That bitch is sneaky as hell!"
"God!" I yelled back at her, "You're not the only person I'm allowed to talk to! I. Am. Not. Your. Fucking object, Jauregui!" I push her shoulder harshly using mine and storm off.
One minute we were so In love and now we were screaming in each other's faces.
"Camz, wait," Lauren grab my arm to hold me still. It's too late, she ruined my mood already.
I pulled my arm away from her, "I'm not in a mood, okay? Just leave me alone." I try to walk away from her but Lauren pulled me in for a hug, trapping me in her body.
"I'm sorry. I was being a dick, it's my fault. I'm sorry. Please don't be mad at me."
I took a sigh before I let myself feel relax in her arms. "I'm not mad anymore."
Lauren pulled away with a small smile on her face, "Do you want to get out of here?"
I simply nod my head. Lauren hold my hand and intertwined our fingers together as we started to walk towards the gate of the campus.
***
"So, your parents are coming home in 3 days?"
And suddenly, my heart started to beat in a rapid pace. Shifting uncomfortably in my seat, Lauren grab a hold of my hand and give it a gentle squeeze. It's easy to tell that I'm anxious. Lauren don't need to ask me because she can easily read me like a magazine.
"Baby, listen to me. Don't stress yourself too much about it. Did you forgot already? You are not alone in this. I'm here with you."
I smiled timidly, "Thank you."
"The thing is..." Lauren scratch the back of her head. I raise an eyebrow while looking at her, "I don't accept thank you verbally. That won't do the trick."
I know she wants me to kiss her, and I also wanted to feel her lips on mine but I'm still tiny little bit mad at her so I shake my head firmly, "That won't do the trick either."
"But...why?" And here goes her famous puppy eyes and the pout, "Are you still mad at me?"
"For some obvious reason, I still am." I roam my eyes around until I spotted the billiard table, "You want your kiss? Defeat me in eight-ball first."
Lauren chuckled with a smirk on her face, "You're challenging the game itself. You're on, Cabello."
"Well, then. Watch me kick your ass out of the game, Jauregui."
Lauren and I walk towards the billiard table. We get our own cue stick as the set of balls are neatly arranged inside the rack.
"Who will be the breaker?" Lauren asked. I slip my hand inside my pocket to get my coin.
"Toss coin. Head or tail?"
"Head."
"I'll go for a tail then." I toss the coin in the mid air and catch it using my left hand, making sure the coin will land in the back of my right hand.
When I open my palm, the coin reveals tail.
Lauren chuckled, "I love how serious you are in this game. It actually turns me on."
I scoff, slipping the coin back in my pocket.
"I love how you find it so attractive of me not wanting to kiss you." I said firmly, placing the cue ball behind the head string.
"I said I was sorry!"
I giggled internally but I didn't let Lauren notice that I'm messing with her around. I love punishing her like this.
"Don't go easy on me. Don't let me win, Jauregui. At this very moment, we're not girlfriends. I am your opponent and we're up against each other. I enjoy good, healthy competition."
Lauren nod her head, "Noted."
I bend over the table with the cue stick between my thumb and my clenched fingers, aiming for the racks.
I gather every sole focus that I have, but then when I pay a little bit of attention at the corner of my eye where Lauren is leaning comfortable against the billiard table while looking at me, face only a few inches away, all of my sole focus went straight to Lauren and I can no longer take it back.
With my eyes still fix on the racks, I ask, "What are you doing?"
"Not letting you win."
And no matter how many times I told myself not to look at her to avoid this huge distraction ahead of me, I can't help it.
One look won't hurt, right?
"So I'm doing the plan B. Distraction."
I love you. God, I love you so much. "That trick is no longer working, Jauregui. Try harder." With a strength and precision, I hit the cue ball causing the billiard balls to scatter around the billiard table. I sink the stripped 9-ball and 14-ball.
I need to sink 5 more stripped balls. I roam my eyes around the billiard table, analyzing very carefully the position of each stripped balls. When I spotted one near the pocket, I walk over to the corner hitting the 13-ball.
Hit after hit, I pocketed the 12-ball and 11-ball, leaving my one last 10 stripped ball so I can proceed sinking that 8-ball to finish this game quick and clean. I look up at Lauren with a mischievous smirk on my face. I can easily tell that I amuse her. She probably never expected that I can play eight-ball very well.
As a good girlfriend, I purposely miss hit the cue ball in the corner so Lauren can take her shot.
"Geez, thanks."
I giggled as Lauren position herself. Hitting the cue ball, she sink 3 solid balls in a row in just a single shot. Aiming for the solid 4-ball, Lauren sink it along with 7-ball.
Oh no.
"Never pity your opponent, Cabello." Lauren's airhead ass tease with a smirk on her face.
"One mistake and you're done, Jauregui. Just one mistake."
"We'll see about that."
I watch intently how Lauren measure and calculate the pressure she will put in the cue ball to sink her two remaining solid balls. Releasing the strength in her cue stick, Lauren successfully sink the 5-ball.
Now the game is tied. If she ever sink 6-ball, she'll proceed in 8-ball and if she ever sink that too, the game is done. I lost. She wins.
I won't let that happen. This is my game. Probably it is my fault on letting her get back up from the mud but I'm also the one who can put her back down. Lauren walk on the other side of the table, we're now face to face. She gave me a teasingly wink and a smirk before aiming at the cue ball.
Licking my lips, I didn't waste anytime and took off my shirt. I'm now almost half naked. Her green eyes immediately shift from the cue ball to me. Her eyes are questioning the hell out of me.
When it took so long for me to give her the answer she needs, Lauren ask. "What are you doing?"
"Cooling off." I shrugged.
"Cooling off, really?"
"Mh-mm. Go on, take your shot."
Lauren put her cue stick down, "How am I suppose to take my shot?"
"Simple, just focus."
"Exactly! I cannot focus if you're being like that."
"Alright then, I'll just head off to the bar for a second so you can focus."
A lot of dudes and girls that are hanging out in the bar section are looking at us, or should I say lookining at me. I'm about to step one foot forward when Lauren recklessly hit the cue ball, hitting nothing.
"No!" Lauren run towards my direction. Her voice had this sense of urgency and panic. She took my shirt and put it on for me, "No, I lost. You go there and hit your ball so you can win, champ. Tease me for how long you want because you defeated me. It's okay if you don't want to kiss me. Just...just don't go far away from me."
Instead of saying anything, I press my lips against hers with tenderness and love before finishing the game.
***
Saturday evening, Lauren and I prepare all the foods that my parents like. My girlfriend is in charge of cooking while I was in charge of making our apartment clean and presentable in the eyes.
When everything is all set up except for us, we both hurriedly run to the bathroom to take a bath. Lauren is the first one to strip naked and get into the tub.
"Alright, you go first." I said, feeling super anxious. "I'll pick our clothes, okay?"
"What?" Lauren knitted her eyebrows, "Get in the water, dummy!"
"Lauren!" I stomp my foot, "I'm not in a mood to have sex with you."
The green eyed brunette furrowed her eyebrows even more, "Get in!" When Lauren noticed the intonation of her voice, her face quickly soften. "Uh-oh. That sounds like an angry dick." Lauren cleared her throat, "I'm sorry...get in the water, baby."
Her body sink down in the water with her arms held out air, reaching for me.
"Baby, would you get in? Please?"
I look at her intensely, trying to read what's running on her mind right now. "No sex?"
Lauren crack a small laugh, "No sex. Just scrubbing backs with soap."
"Great." I playfully rolled my eyes on her, "How can I say no, right?"
I begin to strip down naked and join Lauren in the hot tub. I sink my body down in the water, sitting at the opposite end of the tub. I push the I'm-going-to-tell-my-parents-that-I'm-gay thoughts in my head and just admire Lauren scrubbing her arms with soap. So calm and so peaceful in the eyes. The soap goes down to her fingers. That long and beautiful fingers, and the way it touches every inch of my body leaves me breathless and make my goosebumps go crazy. And then the bubbly soap travels all the way back to her long arms up to her shoulders. Her broad, flawless shoulders that makes me feel somehow safe and protected. And then she started touching her neck, her head being push back down with her eyes shut. I'm just watching her. Mouth open. Dumbfounded. What kind of charm does this girl have? In normal people's eyes, she's just casually scrubbing herself with soap in a normal speed. But in my eyes, her movements are slowmo with romantic instrumental music playing in the background just like in every movie scenes. And as I watch her hands move in motion to her neck, I suddenly remember the feeling of having her lips against my neck: It is so loving and emotional yet so heated and uncontrollable.
"CAMILA!" Lauren's scream in panic snap me out from my thoughts. Her face was filled with horror, causing me to flinch from my personal space, "I'm melting!"
"What?! Are you okay? What happened—Wait, what? You're what?"
Lauren crack a small laugh, "I'm melting. The way you stare at me is so intense, I feel like my legs already melted. Can you check it?"
I tsk her before I rolled my eyes on her. Splashing the water right in front of her face, I say, "Can you just finish scrubbing so I can have the soap?"
"Come here," Lauren spread her legs wide open.
God, she spread her legs!
Oh wait, what am I even thinking?! Erase, erase! You're the one who told her not to have sex. No sex, Camila! Be a man of your words!
"What's up with the stare? Do I look like a meat or something?"
"No," I wanna fuck you. That's the stare all about. "I just-" I cleared my throat as I move closer to her. I can feel my heart beating slowly like it's walking in the park. And then it started to jogged. And when I'm already sitting in between her legs, my back pressed against her chest, that's when my heart started the run in a faster speed, not even my feet can do.
"You're beautiful from every angle I look at. I can't stop staring at you." I said the thought out loud, causing Lauren to giggle.
"You said it like I still don't know about it yet."
I put my knees up and caress it, "I'm just saying it incase you forget about it."
"That I look so fucking good? Nah, not in a million years I will forget about that."
I rolled my eyes to the moon and back at how Lauren is so full of herself.
"Remind me to never compliment you again."
After taking a bath, both of us headed to the closet. I thought I'm the super anxious one and Lauren's the more chill and calm one but it turns out, she's more anxious than I am. Her clothes are scattered all over the floor of our bedroom and over the bed. She keeps asking me if she looks good, and even though I kept telling her that she is, (Obviously, cause she's Lauren Jauregui) she don't believe me. They say clothes makes you more beautiful but they're wrong. Lauren makes clothes beautiful. Anything she wears, she looks good on it. She always looks good be it in a very simple clothes to a very plain white t-shirt. But hey, nothing is more perfect than Lauren being naked.
And as I watch Lauren anxiously checking herself out in the mirror in a red fitted slit dress, I can't help not to feel happy. This day is very special for me because for the first time, I'm going to introduce a special someone to my parents. And seeing Lauren taking this day so important and special as well makes my heart feels warm.
Nothing seems interesting to find in my closet, I just settled in Lauren's oversized hoodie that had a huge Jauregui written at the back and a pair of blue skinny jeans and white sneakers. Whereas my anxious girlfriend, she finally settled in her red dress. Red lipstick. Blush on. Winged eyeliner.
As we settle on the couch of the living room waiting for my parents to arrive, Lauren is busy playing with my hand.
"I love smelling your cologne, your shampoo that you always use. Your fabric detergent on your clothes, the type of body lotion you put your body in to. I want to be near you and smell those scents, being reminded that you're still here. Next to me."
Lauren smiled, lifting up her hand so she can caress my cheek, "Now I know why the scent of my cologne easily fades away. It all goes in your nose."
I rolled my eyes on her and Lauren giggled, pulling me in for a hug. "I love you, Camila."
I pulled away so I can say it while looking in her eyes. I love saying those 3 words while staring straight in her green orbs. But then when I pulled away, Lauren's face suddenly filled with hurriedness.
"Shit. Fuck me!" Lauren quickly jump right off of the couch and run upstairs.
"What happened? Is everything alright?" I yelled so she can hear me. Seconds later, Lauren came downstairs with a black leather jacket on her arm and her car keys wiggling in her hand.
"I forgot to turn over some important papers at Carolton. I'll be back, okay? It'll be super quick. I'm so sorry, Camz. I love you!" Lauren planted a hurried kiss on my cheek before she storm off without waiting for my response.
With no Lauren beside me and the clock ticking, I can feel the anxious feeling growing inside of me. I tried not to overthink and visualize the possibilities of what will happen once I told my parents about my sexuality. The goosebumps in my stomach is like an ocean wave. I can't even comprehend if I need to pee out of nervousness or I need to poop to ease the feeling. I keep breathing in and out in my mouth, calming my own self. The emotions that's dwelling inside of me is no joke. And coming out to your parents is like preparing for a bungee jump—you hang on to the edge too scared to jump, but you know inside you still want to do it. And once you jumped, there's no turning back.
For the past week, I kept conditioning myself that they'll need some time to process the bomb I'm about to drop right in front of their faces later when they arrived because there is no single, sure-fire way of telling my parents that I'm gay. Just as no two families are exactly the same. So if they will be mad and angry and disappointed of what I become, I'll understand. After all, no parents will be happy knowing their kid is gay.
While rubbing my palms to make me feel warm at least since my hands are turned into a complete ice, the door bell suddenly rings. I flinched at my seat, hurriedly open the door in where I was greeted with two smiley faces from ear to ear.
"Camilita!" Mom and dad quickly pulled me in for a tight hug in which I quickly reciprocate with the same amount of anticipation and excitement.
"Mom, dad, I miss you so, very much!"
My dad pulled away and mess with my hair like he always does. "Wow, my little girl have grown into such a beautiful young woman. Isn't she, Sinu?"
Mom chuckled, cupping my cheeks into her hands. Her eyes are swelling up with tears as she gaze into my eyes. "She is, Alejandro. She is."
"Come on in," I pulled away and step aside so my parents can go inside of our apartment.
"You live with someone?" Dad asked. He's only here inside the apartment for about one point twenty five second yet he already notices a lot of things. That's how great observer he is.
"Yeah, I'm..." I gulped couple of times to just not let my throat gets dry, "I-I'm living with someone."
"Isn't this your own apartment, Camilita?" My mom ask coming from the kitchen.
"With whom? Shawn? Camilita, may I remind you that me and your mom allows you to have a boyfriend in college but we strictly not allowing you and the boyfriend to live together in one house."
"Dad, calm down. Take it easy. I'm not living with him. I'm living with-"
I didn't finish what I'm saying when mom suddenly butt in from the conversation, "Speaking of Shawn, is he here? I am so thrilled to meet that boy!"
I look over my shoulder and she's already setting up the plates and everything in the table. I shift my eyes back to my dad and he's giving me tight lipped smile with a shrugged shoulders.
"Come on and let's help your mom." He put his arm around my shoulder as we walk towards the dinning table. After we settled everything, we take a seat. I occupy the chair in the left side while my parents are sitting on the opposite direction, facing me.
I never thought finding the right time to tell them that I'm gay is as hard as reaching the stars. The bungee jump is already there waiting for me. I just need the strength to put one foot on the other and do the jump.
I hold my spoon and fork, gripping on it tightly. I'm staring at my empty plate while mentally talking to my girlfriend. Lauren, where are you? I need you right now. I feel like I can't do it.
"Hm, you look like you've lost in some outer space." I slowly lift up my gaze and it was my dad. I didn't even notice that he put my plate with some rice and beef stew.
"Camilita, is everything alright?" Mom asked.
Is this my cue? Is this it?
Contemplating whether or not I should open my mouth and I say it, I didn't notice that I already consume too much time and this silence is swallowing my parents alive.
"We heard that you got into UCLA. Congrats, Camilita. We are so proud of you." My dad brought up—Wait, what? UCLA? How...how did they know about it???
"Your dad and I are upset. You didn't even tell us about it. Was it suppose to be a surprise?"
I breathed out, "How...?"
"Shawn told us over the phone. On the way here, we were talking to him. He is such a good guy, Camilita. That is also the reason why we're so thrilled to go here. My little princess found a good guy just like her papa. I am so happy for you."
"Uhm, I declined the UCLA. I won't go."
My parents got choked. I can see that they feel bad about my decision of declining it. Well, I didn't fully decline it yet. Just...just sort of.
Both sit up straight with a serious face, "Why did you turn down such a good offer?" It was my mom.
"It is because my heart is here in New York, not in LA." But my dreams, it is there in LA.
"Camila, you turn down the UCLA all for Shawn?" It's dad's turn. And the facial expression that he's showing is making it harder for me to breathe. He is starting to get disappointed in me.
"Shawn and I...we broke up a few months ago. So no, I didn't turn the offer down because of him. It was all my personal decision."
"Perhaps because of the new one?"
I can't look them straight in their eyes anymore. I just fix my gaze on my trembling hands under the table, wishing Lauren will be here so I can have a rock to lean on to when everything went horribly wrong.
This is it. I'm letting whatever I'm holding on to, letting my feet slips down at the edge of the cliff.
Still not looking, I begin, "I need to talk to you about something. And...you might not like it." My heart is beating incredibly fast. I feel like it is beating a million times per second. That's how nervous and terrified I am. Terrified of what the outcome would be.
"Okay, we'll listen." My mom said.
I look up to meet their eyes, air is not circulating properly in my lungs. My goosebumps are overwhelming that I begin to get drown because of it, "This is...this is hard for me to say and might be hard for you to hear it."
They just nod their head, motioning me to continue.
"Please don't freak out and hear me out. I'm..." I can feel my throat getting dryer and dyer, "I-I'm...gay." I almost whispered the word gay so I cleared my throat and say it out loud and firm, "I'm gay. This is really hard for me because it is so personal. I haven't said this before because I was so dead scared of disappointing you guys when all I want to is to make you guys proud. Please know that I am sharing this with you because I love and respect both of you. I'd like to talk more about it after you guys had some time. I love you, mom and dad. I am so relieved that you finally know."
After telling my coming out speech to my parents, I can feel my heart slowly coming down from it's high. My hands are becoming lesser cold. The goosebumps are slowly fading away.
Mom and dad look at each other before they look me. They both reach my hands as small smile creep on their lips.
"We'd like to hear more about it." My mom said. Her voice is so warm. So motherly.
"You...are not mad at me?"
"Why would we? Getting mad at you won't make any difference. No matter what happened, no matter what you are, it will never change that you are our daughter and you are my little girl. You will always be my little girl."
"We love you, Camilita. And whatever makes you happy, we support it."
Tears run down to my cheeks. This is not the reaction I'm expecting to see. Out of too much joy and happiness, I pulled them in for a very tight hug, telling them my endless thank you's and I love you's.
While eating dinner, we were talking about Lauren and everything. I was telling them how it all started, and safe to say that they were even more thrilled meeting my girlfriend after they find out how anxious she was a while ago. Under the table, I kept checking my phone, texting Lauren where she is because it's been 3 hours since she left and until now, she's still not home.
After finishing our great dinner, exactly, the door bell rings. That's Lauren! Thank god, she's finally here!
Excitedly, I jump right off of the chair and flee to the door to open it. Lauren's sitting at the 3 steps stairs of our porch. I'm facing her back.
"It went well. They're not mad at me nor disappointed. They are so supportive though." I informed her with a wide smile.
"That's...that's great to hear!" Lauren said, she's not moving an inch. "I'm glad they accepted it. I mean," She laugh humourlessly. I furrowed my eyebrows, confused on what's so funny about it. "They are definitely a horrible parents if they don't, right?" Lauren get back on her feet and turn around. I can feel my blood started to boil when I saw her eyes.
Her green orbs was blood shot red, her cheeks had a light shade of pink. And within this given distance between us, I can easily smell the alcohol in her body. My face immediately crumpled when I realize what kind of current state she is right now.
Drunk.
"You're drunk?" I asked in disbelief, "Again?"
I clenched my jaw tight. Tight enough to break my own teeth as I glare at her. Lauren folds like a paper under my glare. She is now look like a lost puppy in the middle of heavy rain. Lauren took a step forward and I took a step back. She try to hold me but I raise my hand to stop her.
"No!" I whisper-yell at her, "Don't you dare touch me." I hissed as I walk pass her. I shoved her in the shoulder, hard, but Lauren grab my arm and turn me around so I can face her. I quickly yanked my hand away from her, "I said don't fucking touch me!"
"Baby," Lauren called. She looked so fucked up, so wasted, and so miserable. "I'm sorry..."
"I am tired of you saying sorry all the time! You told me that you're just going to drop off some important papers at Carolton! Fucking hell! I should have known that you're dropping a bottle of liquor at the goddamn club! Do you even have a slightest idea on what you just did?! You left me, Lauren! You fucking left me when I needed you most!"
Lauren keep her head down. She's playing with her thumb, and at this very moment, I want to punch her straight in the face for leaving me.
"I'm sorry," Lauren mumbled but enough for me to hear it. "I was really dropping some papers but then I get caught up with the soccer team and they drag me to the club. I swear Camz, I tried to leave as fast as I can so I can be here with you. I swear, I tried. I fucking tried." Her voice was so desperate with her green orbs pleading for my forgiveness.
"I'm so sorry, Camz. Please, don't be mad at me. I don't want us to be like this. Please," Lauren reach for my hand but I quickly yanked it away from her as if being held by her will make me sick.
And I swear I heard my heart crack inside my chest when I saw the hurt on her eyes caused by my own action. I hurt her. But right now, I couldn't careless. The anger and disappointment that I feel overweighs all the other emotions. Right now, I just want her to feel the pain I'm feeling right now.
"I-it's just a few of shots. I-I told them that my girlfriend is waiting for me but...I know shouldn't done that. It is my fault."
"Few shots and yet you're drunk? Did you realized how pressured I am telling the truth to my parents? Did you realized how scared I am that when they can't accept me, what we have, they will force me to break up with you? Did you even realize how scared I was and I needed you to be there to hold my hand and comfort me? I needed you tonight, Lauren! I needed you and knew that. You fucking knew that. But where were you? At the fucking club, drinking! You told me, Lauren! You told me that you will be there for me, and I believed you. God, I fucking believed you!" I push her chest roughly, in hopes that it would lessen the pain in my chest. In hopes that somehow, I can find one good reason to forgive her tonight.
"Camila, please," For the hundredth time, Lauren tries to reach for my hand but I push her away from me. "I'm sorry, baby. I can't stand that we're like this. Just by thinking of us not okay drives me crazy. Please..." Lauren pleaded desperately.
I look away, I don't think I can look in her eyes without feeling this throbbing pain in my chest. Seeing the tears swelling up in her eyes makes it harder for me to breathe. And hearing her desperately asking for my forgiveness breaks my heart. I want to hug her and kiss her, tell her that I forgive her. But this time, it's different. I...I couldn't do it. At least not tonight. The pain never fades nor lessen. It is still here.
"I'm not mad at you." I honestly told her. I saw how her face brightens up at my words, "You let me down, Lauren. You broke my trust. You're the person I'm expecting to be there for me through hell and back, but you weren't there. And while I'm holding on to your words, you are out there drinking that goddamn alcohol. And for that, I am disappointed. I am extremely disappointed."
The hope in her eyes vanish as I stare blankly at her. That's the truth, I'm not angry at her. I'm just disappointed. You see, I trust her. I trust her words. I trust her when she told me she will be there when I told them. But none of it happened. It were all just words. Empty promises. And maybe it was my fault too because I expected too much from her. My idea of how Lauren should be and should do is not her responsibility to live up to. I shouldn't expect too much. I really should have never.
Lauren get down on her knees. She hold my hand and rest her forehead against my wrist while crying, "Tell me how to make things right? Please, I won't do it again!" Lauren cried out loud, almost desperate.
"Just...go somewhere else for tonight. My parents are here and I also don't think I can stand seeing you like this. We'll talk tomorrow."
"Camila, please. I-"
I quickly cut her off. I'm too tired hearing her excuses. "Can you please..." I clenched my jaw as I used the last drop of my will power not to hit her. "Just fucking go? I told you, we'll talk tomorrow morning."
Lauren get back on her feet. She look into my eyes with her green orbs filled with pain, "If that's what you want, I'll go. But before I leave, I just want to say I'm sorry. I truly am. I...I love you."
And hearing her say those 3 words crashed my heart completely. I watch Lauren walk away from me, swaying like a pine tree that is being blown by the strong wind. And I'm so glad I didn't come inside first because it didn't take that long for Lauren to tripped over and never get back up again.
And all the pain and disappointed feelings I had get washed off and quickly replace with nothing but worriedness and love.
"Lauren!" I hurriedly run towards her. I sit on the ground and the held her in my arms. The first thing I did is to feel her pulse, she's okay. Thank god, she's okay. She just passed out, I guess. And she's snoring already.
"Camilita," I quickly withdraw my attention from Lauren and shifted it to my parents who are now walking towards our direction.
I put her arm around my shoulder as I get back on my feet. I wrapped my free arm around her waist to fully support her weight.
"I'm sorry I took so lo-"
My dad quickly cuts me off. They're face, they're not happy to see Lauren like this. "She's Lauren? And she's drunk?"
I nod my head, "Lauren got caught in celebrating-"
"Don't make up an excuses for her irresponsibility! She knows we will be here. If she's really serious to you, at least she'll show some decency to meet us, sober! Not like this. You dumped Shawn to be with her? With this irresponsible malo?"
I scoff, "Wait a minute, back then you told me you're happy whoever I'm with. And now you're clearly rubbing to my face that it's better if I chose Shawn over her?! What the hell is wrong with you?!"
"Camila! Watch your mouth!" My mom butt in but I completely ignore her.
"Don't you dare raise your voice on me!" He yelled, "I don't like her for you."
"Well, unfortunately, you're not me. You don't get to decide for myself."
"You...!" He glared sharply at me, but I didn't put down any single piece of my defense.
"Alejandro," Mom butt in yet again, "Get in the car. I'll talk to Camila."
To mom, he says, "You better be!" Then he shift his eyes back on me, "Bare my words in your mind, Camila. If you push this relationship through, you'll cry a river. Remember what I said to you." And then he started to walk away, leaving me and mom all alone.
"I don't like the way you talk to your father."
"I'm sorry." I mumbled. "I didn't mean to. I just got carried away with my emotion."
"Haven't you come to realize it yet? Being with her is the cause of your agressive behavior. Never in your life you talked to your father like that. Talked to the man who did everything he can do to give you a good life. The man who's willing to starve himself as long as your stomach is full. Did you even think about that while yelling at him because of this...girl?"
My heart is aching terribly. My mother's words are like a steel knife. She keeps stabbing the part of my heart that is so sensitive. I can't no longer take hearing her words. I just can't.
"It's getting late now. You should go."
"I want you to break up with her."
I furrowed my eyebrows. I don't think I heard her right.
"What?"
"You heard me, Camila. I don't care how you will do it. Break. Up. With. Her."
I snap, "No! Who the fuck are you tell me what to do?!"
"Your fucking mother, Camila! She's no good for you! Look at you, look!" She furiously pointed at me, us. "You gave up UCLA for a drunk bastard like her, didn't you? For what, tell me?! To take care of her when she's drunk? To fucked up your life too just like hers? I am your mother, Camila. I know what's best for you. Clearly, she's no good for you. You'll just ended up ruining your life if you stick with her!"
"That's my choice to make. Whether I leave her or not, whether I ruin my life or not for loving her, it is up to me."
Then I turn around and walk back to apartment carefully to avoid getting trip over. I go straight to our room, laying Lauren down so she can take some rest. I know they will try to call me to change my mind about it so I turn off my phone. Instead of heading straight to bed, I headed straight to the bathtub.
I sat there hugging my knees with the water coming from the shower flows down on me. I wanted to cry. I badly wanted to cry because of everything that happened today. I wanted to cry for hurting my parents. I wanted to cry at how insensitive Lauren is. And I hate myself. I hate seeing myself slowly changing because I love her so much. And so I cry and cry until the pain lessen with my hand over my mouth so I won't make any noise. Tears running down on my cheeks. My heart is breaking. I can't stop my head from thinking about everything that makes me cry to end my own self torture, with my other hand on my heart down to my stomach and then up in my heart again because they both hurt.
***
As soon as the sunlight hit directly in my eyes, I found myself in the bed facing the wall with an arm wrapped around my waist. And that's when it occurs to me, the series of events from last night. That I only get an hour of sleep because of it. The headache is taking toll on me. And my eyes, it feels heavy. I glance at my hand that is being intertwined against Lauren's. And that's when I notice that something is written on the back of her hand but I can't read it clearly. I bring our hands up to my chest so I can take a good look at it.
Cindy
355936
Call me, beautiful.
And that is all I need to snap the hell out of me. The writings on the back of her hand pushed every single buttons that I have. So with all of my strength, I elbowed Lauren harshly. I make sure that she's fully awake before I get off of this fucking bed where she is. Anger. Disappointment. Jealousy. Those are the fuel that's keeping the fire inside me furiously raging.
Lauren look at me with a furrowed eyebrows, confused by my action. "What's the matter, baby? Is everything alright?"
"Fuck you!" I yelled at her before I launch myself on her. Muffled voices. Pushing. Punching. Pulling each other's hair. Claw. Scratch. Everything became slowmo in my world. All I know is that I was screaming at her, spewing venoms with my words. It's the rage that took over me, it controls me. I love her so much to the point where I can barely breathe. It's a warm fuzzy feeling. And every time I look at her, I get this chills down my spine. Now I'm getting fucking sick of looking at her. I'm high off her love, drunk from her hate. My sickness and my medicine. The only one who can drown me and the only one who can save me.
Lauren grabbed both of my hands before flipping us over. She's now on top of me.
"What the hell, Camila?! What did I even do?!" The scratch on her left cheek caused by my nails is now bleeding. But I couldn't careless. I just want to hurt her more.
"Cindy, huh?! So what, you fucked her last night?! Was she better than me?!"
"Who the fuck is Cindy?!"
"You're such," With the last drop of my strength, I push her away from me, causing Lauren to fell down on the bed. I grab the two thick books from her night stand and throw it on her, "a fucking liar!"
"Fucking hell!" Lauren groaned in pain but I completely ignore her.
I stand against my parents just for her. Take the bullet to protect her. And all I will get is this?! Come on, I deserve something far more better than this!
I walk over to my closet and grab my duffel bag. I stuff few of my clothes before I storm out of the room. Being in the same fucking room with her makes it harder for me to breathe.
"Camila, wait! Where are you going?"
"I'm leaving you!"
Lauren harshly grab my arm and spun me around so I can face her, "This is nothing! Stop making this shit such a big deal, Camila! Should you at least be thankful that I'm still coming home to you?"
And I snapped once again. I launch myself to her, hitting her numerous times so it would knock off to her senses that this is everything. This is fucking everything and not just nothing you can easily shake it off like a dust.
"Do you fucking hear yourself right now?! This is everything! The problem here is you are so insensitive, Lauren! I stand against my own parents just for you! Do you even know how hard is it for me to hear them say how irresponsible you are? And that I made the wrong choice of choosing you over Shawn?! I hurt their feelings because I care about yours! I fucking care about how you will feel too much. But you? Do you ever think about mine? Obviously not. Because looked at you, you showed in that front door drunk. Fucked some whore."
"Level that tone, Camila. I am not your fucking daughter."
I throw my duffel bag on her chest furiously, "I can raise my voice whenever I want!"
Lauren's expression soften, "I didn't fuck anyone, okay? You're the only one I'm sleeping with. This," Lauren pointed the back of her hand, "It's nothing, I swear."
"And maybe they're right. Maybe I did make the wrong choice when I chose you over the guy who can treat me far more better than this."
Lauren shakes her head as tears swell up in her eyes, "No... no, you don't mean that. You're just angry that's why you're saying that to me. But I know in the back of your head, you love me and you don't regret any of this, because Camila, you are the best thing that ever happened to me. The best."
So that's that. The feeling you get in your stomach when your heart is breaking, all the butterflies just died.
Lauren is hurting the way I am right now. I do love her, and it's pathetic how much. But right now, I don't think I can be with her in the same room, same roof. I need to get out, breathe. Unwind and take some time off to heal the dents and the thing that's broken. You can't really heal yourself if you stay in the same place that cause you pain in the first place.
I look at her straight in the eyes, gripping tightly on my emotions so it won't explode. "Let's give each other some time off. It's better that way."
I took my duffel bag on the floor before I walk out through that door without looking back. Lauren kept calling my name, pleading, desperate, in pain. She's crying. She's hurt and she's crying, so am I. But I need this. We need this.
I never knew I could feel so much pain, and yet to be so In love with the person causing it.