Mia was sitting down next to Leo on the plane ride back to Helsinki, her head resting on his shoulder and their arms intertwined. Her body ached but she was content at the proof it provided from their wonderful night together. She felt a sense of tranquility within her, a certain calmness she hadn't felt in a long time. But something in the back of her mind kept nagging at her, something that was preventing her from truly enjoying the moment. She thought back to her memories of the previous night.
Being with Leo had been out of this world. Before him, she had given up hope of ever experiencing the mind-shattering joy of being touched again. She didn't know the level of intimacy they had shared was possible, that something like that could even exist. Even though she had been in long-term relationships before, the connection she felt with him was much stronger than anything she had ever previously felt.
He had spent the night making love to her, holding her, cherishing every single moment. In between, they had spoken about everything and about nothing. Leo made her feel like she was the only woman in the world and by the end of the night she still expected to wake up alone from a lucid dream.
She didn't want it to end, but she had eventually fallen asleep in his arms. He woke her up not even an hour later to go to the airport. He swept her into the shower and had almost convinced her to stay longer in Shanghai. He had said he would figure out a way to change their tickets. She wanted to agree to his promising kisses, but the rational part of her told her she needed to go back to Madrid and leave the trip on a high note.
So they headed back, but he had barely left her side. The only time they separated was when she had gone back to her room to finish packing her belongings. But he quickly met up with her afterwards in the lobby, handing her a breakfast box he had obtained from the morning buffet.
Even on the plane they weren't seated together, but he had managed to somehow switch their seats and ended up in a private row next to the window. How he did these things, she could never explain.
"Sweetness, you should sleep," Leo said as he ran his fingers under her tired eyes.
"I can't. I have too much going through my mind right now. Planes always seem to get my brain racing into over drive," she responded.
Leo smiled. "I get very reflective, too. Do you want to talk about it?"
"It's nothing in particular. I just can't stop thinking about last night," she admitted shyly. An image of Leo pressing deeply into her while biting her shoulder flashed through her mind and she blushed.
Leo smiled and kissed her hand. "I suppose that's a good thing then. I can't stop thinking about it either," he said happily.
"I wish we could've spent more time together during the trip. It seems like such a waste now."
"We'll be back someday. That I can promise you," Leo said.
"We didn't get to go to Bar Rouge together," she pointed out.
"Next time, baby girl."
Mia liked the way he spoke about a future together, but she didn't know how that would ever be possible. Especially when there was something he still didn't know about her. Something that he should know. She could feel it surfacing from within, spilling out of her.
She leaned over and gave him a long kiss, fearing it could be their last. He might not even look at her the same afterwards.
He kissed her back eagerly. "I love you so much, Mia. You'll never know how much," he whispered into her ear.
"I love you too, Leo," she said almost sadly.
"I felt it since the very first day. I wanted to tell you all the time. I actually let it slip once, but I don't think you heard me," he confessed.
Mia's eyes widened. "When?"
"That time we fell asleep on your couch. It was all I could think about. I should have just told you then, but I was afraid you didn't feel the same. I didn't want to scare you away, but I guess I ended up doing it anyway," he said regretfully.
"That was my fault, Leo. Not yours. I was afraid too and pushed you away, instead of admitting my true feelings. In the back of my head, I always knew I was in love with you."
He kissed her again. "Well, we somehow managed to get it right this time," he said looking at her adoringly.
"Yeah," she said, even though she wasn't completely convinced yet. She shifted in her seat and grimaced at her still aching body.
"What is it, Mia?" he asked all concerned.
Of course he would catch that. "Nothing. I'm just a little...sore. It'll pass," she said blushing.
His eyes flew open. "I'm sorry, baby. You should have told me."
"There's nothing to be sorry about. I'll be fine."
"Yeah, but you shouldn't be uncomfortable," he said pressing the call button for the stewardess.
"What are you doing?"
"Getting something for you. I wish I could run you a hot bath, but I don't have that option right now."
She blushed even deeper. "Leo, it's okay. Really."
He leaned into her and ran his knuckles down her cheek. "Was I too rough last night? Please be honest with me," he whispered into her ear.
"No, Leo. You were perfect. It was amazing. It's just been a while," she confessed.
He seemed to relax at her answer. "I realized that," he said, surprisingly smiling.
"You like that it's been a while?" she asked curiously.
He nodded almost eagerly. "You chose me." He cupped her cheek and ran his thumb over her lips. "It was so real...you were so sweet and innocent. I loved every moment of it."
She looked down in embarrassment. Their conversation was becoming more heated by the minute.
"How long has it been, Mia?"
She peeked up at him momentarily. "About a year and a half."
"I thought you said you broke up with your ex before coming here," he asked confused.
"I did. We just didn't...he stopped after...he didn't touch me at the end," she said with extreme difficulty.
"How is that even possible? What a fucking moron. I can't believe this guy," he said shaking his head angrily. He grabbed her hand and kissed it. "Mia, you deserve to be loved and cherished every day."
At that moment, the stewardess appeared and turned off the call button. "Can I get you anything?" she asked.
"Do you have any Tylenol or Advil? My girlfriend has a headache," Leo asked easily.
"Sure, I'll be right back," the stewardess answered.
Mia was blushing again when Leo turned back to look at her. Did he even notice what he had just said?
"I guess I should ask you formally this time...to avoid any confusion later," he winked at her. He paused for a moment. "Will you be my beautiful and ever blushing girlfriend?"
She laughed. Just how many shades of red was she? "Yes, I will," she immediately said, and then leaned in to kiss him on the cheek.
"Hmm, never knew how simple that could be," he said with a huge smile. He kissed her tenderly on the lips, and continued to trail kisses down her neck. Mia instantly felt her heartbeat accelerate and tried to contain her deeper breaths.
"I want to take you back to bed. We have a lot of catching up to do for lost time," he whispered huskily in her ear.
"Leo..." It was the only thing she managed to say. The images he was conjuring up for her were too much to handle, and the anticipation of it left her on fire. Would that really happen between them again?
In the back of her mind, she heard someone clear their throat. "Here's the Tylenol and some water," the voice said. Oh right, she had already forgotten about that.
She didn't dare to look up, but apparently Leo took it from her and unlocked the tray in front of him to settle the contents down. "Thanks, appreciate it," he said.
"Let me know if you need anything else," the stewardess said before leaving.
She locked eyes with Leo. "Now she must know I really don't have a headache."
He simply grinned back at her. He opened up the small packet of Tylenol and poured the tablet in her hand. "Here you go, sweetness," he said as he handed her the water.
"Thank you." She popped the pill in her mouth and downed almost half the cup of water in one gulp. She really needed that right now.
"That reminds me," she said, thinking out loud. She reached for her purse under the seat, looking for her birth control pills. She found the tin packet, and punched out the next pill in line for Saturday and placed it in her mouth. She finished the rest of the water with that.
Leo was observing her curiously as she put her purse back in place. "When did you start taking those?" he asked quietly.
"After I broke up with the ex."
She saw the wheels in his head turning to process that information. "After?"
He didn't miss a thing. "Yeah."
"Oh," he simply replied. She could tell he had a lot of questions brewing in his mind, so she decided to help him out.
"I did it mostly out of precaution."
He nodded silently, but she knew none of it was making sense to him. Still, he didn't ask her anything else. She owed him an explanation though. She finally needed to bring him out of the dark. It was time.
"Leo? I uh...want to tell you now. About my past."
"You don't have to, baby. I don't need to know. We're together now. That's all that matters to me."
"No, I want to tell you," she said determined. "I need to tell you. Even if..." she let her thoughts trail off.
Leo looked at her surprised. "Mia, you know you can tell me anything."
"I know. It's just...I haven't spoken about this in a year so it's difficult for me to say."
"It doesn't matter what it is. I love you...I'm here for you," Leo reassured her.
Mia hesitated. She was about to tell him something only a handful of people knew. But she felt like she had to tell him at that moment to finally let out what had been eating her up inside for so long. It was almost as if it had been embedded inside her all this time, but it was now hurting to keep it in. It was the only way she could truly be with Leo, even if what they had didn't last.
"I guess there's no easy way to say this," she said sighing painfully. "I had an...abortion. It was a little over a year ago. It's been really hard on me ever since. Not a day goes by that I don't think about it. It still haunts me. The memory of it, the physical pain, the emotional state I was in, the sick feeling of the time. It's like it never left me, it's just constantly looming within, and no matter how many months come to pass, it never seems to heal," she said stopping to meet his eyes.
Leo swallowed hard. "It's okay, Mia. Please, go on."
"It just happened so quickly. I had to make a lot of fast decisions and I couldn't think clearly. It wrecked me apart into a million pieces and I didn't know what to do. I was away from my family and I felt so incredibly alone. I was constantly fighting with my ex and I felt like I had no one to turn to. Things were already bad between us and we kept blaming one another for what happened. I couldn't bring myself to forgive him even though it was as much my own fault."
Mia paused and shook her head. She felt Leo reach for her hand. Taking a deep breath, she continued.
"I was miserable at my job. I had a horrible boss and she demoted me right around the same time. I can still clearly remember walking into that dreadful meeting, I didn't even have it in me to defend my position. I guess you could say I had hit rock bottom. I couldn't go through with it. Emotionally, financially, in every respect that I thought about...I felt like I would be doing a disservice. Like it wouldn't be fair to raise someone under those conditions, without the proper support or even love..."
She felt the tears threatening to come out, but held them back. She wasn't looking at Leo any longer, but he squeezed her hand tightly. She took a moment to compose herself before continuing.
"I can't begin to tell you what that day at the hospital was like, the time leading up to it and especially afterwards, it kept replaying in my mind to no avail. I just knew I had to distract myself from all of it, and a week later I found myself at my computer writing essays to apply to MBS. From that moment on, my entire focus changed and it was all about getting here, to this new place. All the paperwork, the visa, moving out of my apartment, getting rid of most of my belongings...I just desperately wanted to leave all of that behind. I still don't know if I made the right choice, but it's what I live with now. Either way, I've felt like the most horrible person and that I don't deserve anything better."
Her words were rushed but she needed to leave it all out on the table.
"I'm so sorry you had to go through all that, Mia. You made the best choice you could at the time," he said quietly.
"Leo, you don't have to..."
"I feel like a complete idiot now for pressuring you so much. It hurt that you didn't want to share your past with me...that you were keeping something from me, but I realize why you did it now. I assumed a million different things and I acted defensively without thinking it through. I never thought...Why didn't you just tell me? I would have backed off, even if it killed me."
"Believe me, I wanted to tell you so many times. But I just felt so guilty and ashamed by it. I felt worthless. I didn't think you would want me anymore. I understand if you feel that way now. If you don't want me anymore."
"Don't you dare say that, Mia. These things happen, even to the best of us. You can't let it dictate the rest of your life. What happened doesn't define who you are. You're so much more than that. At some point, you're going to have to accept it and live your life. The one you're meant to be living with me. And I'm not letting you go. You mean everything to me. Don't think you can get rid of me so easily."
"I...didn't expect you to be so...understanding," she said scrunching her forehead.
"I know it's not the same from your perspective, I can't even imagine what it must feel like for you. What you went through is a big deal. I'm not going to sugarcoat it. But please know that I completely understand and I would never judge you for it. Mia, you need to forgive yourself. Life goes on. Trust me. I know that you've been fighting it for a long time, but you don't have to anymore. Not by yourself, at least. You're not alone anymore. I'm here now."
Leo's words left her speechless. She never expected this kind of reaction. She always felt she should be punished by it instead of feeling someone's empathy and compassion. But Leo seemed to understand. What's more, he didn't judge her past and seemed more concerned about a future together. She felt a lump in the back of her throat just thinking that someone in the world like Leo existed. She looked at him with tears in her eyes.
Leo looked back at her with an extremely worried look on his face. He seemed close to panicking.
"Mia, were you okay with last night? I tried to make it as easy as possible on you but if you don't feel comfortable yet, we don't have to..."
"No!" Mia shouted and several people turned around in their direction. Realizing she had spoken too loud, she sunk in her seat and covered her face.
"Mia? It's okay. I can wait until you feel ready. Whatever you need. I don't want to lose you, not after I just got you back," he said peeling her hands away from her face.
Mia shook her head. "I meant...no, I don't want to wait. That's the thing; I never thought I would be able to feel this way after what happened. It feels so selfish to me, but there's nothing I want more than to be with you. Leo, you made me feel so alive last night. All the preconceived notions I've had all this time somehow flew out the window. I just don't want you to treat me differently because of this."
Leo pushed the armrest placed between their seats back and pulled her against his chest, running his fingers through her hair. "Mi vida...it's not selfish, you deserve to feel that way and to be happy. That's how it should be. I loved the way you responded to me...so willingly. I had never felt that before and I feel like the luckiest guy to have shared that with you."
Leo grabbed her face and stared deeply into her eyes. "I love you no matter what, Mia. Please know that. I also have a lot of things from my past that I'm not proud of. Everyone does. I know a lot of people have let you down, hurt you in the past, including me. I feel like the biggest coward that I walked away from you, that I didn't stick around to fight it through with you, probably when you needed me the most, and I'm deeply sorry for that. Walking away was the biggest mistake I ever made. It won't happen again. I promise."
"I don't blame you for that, Leo. I did that. I made you walk away. I didn't expect anything less from the way I acted towards you. You didn't deserve one second of it. I'm sorry I put you through all that."
Leo sighed heavily, and settled her against him. "I guess we'll have to agree to disagree on this one, at least for the time being. I swear we can talk about this all you want till the cows come home, but I really think you should rest right now. I'll be here when you wake up. I'm not going anywhere," he said kissing her forehead.
She wanted to protest but the rush of adrenaline she felt from her confession was beginning to settle, and the combination of too much excitement and lack of sleep from the previous night left her no choice.
"Thank you, Mia. For telling me," he whispered, just as she started to doze off.
Even though she was on a plane, she felt the world shift beneath her, as if tidal waves were suddenly pulling her into an entirely new direction, and her body slowly gave in.