"What do you want?" Zack asks me as he goes to the counter.
He asked me out today. We barely see each other these days. He's busy with his basketball practice and I'm busy preparing for the pageant. He still tries to drive me to and from the school though but unlike before, he could only do that once or twice a week.
We are both busy with our own things and it's a great break to spend time together.
"Hmmm. Don't want any." I answer.
He clicks his tongue. "You don't have to worry about spending your precious money. It's my treat. Go and choose."
"I'm not worried about my money, Zac. I'm in a diet."
"You and your precious diet." He says sarcastically. "You've lost a whole lot of weight already. Aren't you killing yourself?"
"You know I'm not. I need to prepare for the pageant. I don't want to look like a pig walking on the stage."
"You're not fat."
"I need to be sexy – ideally."
"You want to be a skinny bitch?"
"I want to be skinny but not necessarily a bitch."
I have been going to Reload gym every day with Dominic. I spend three to five hours there every day. It's part of my training. Dominic is in charge of my training including diet and exercise. He has been my personal trainer.
I almost had a physical and emotional breakdown during the first month of my training. All the exercises are exhausting and painful. I even got to the point where I was crying while executing an exercise. I also have to deal with sore muscles all over my body every single day. On top of that, I'm not allowed to eat anything sweet, salty, fatty, - any delicious foods. I only eat egg whites, sweet potato, vegetables, and chicken breast that are either boiled or steamed without salt or any seasoning.
It's very hard.
It's amazing that never in my mind that I thought about quitting. Dominic even said that he was impressed by my determination. Despite feeling sore and eating tasteless foods, I look forward every day to go and train with Dominic.
Dominic is also giving extra attention on coaching me how to walk properly. He makes sure that I carry myself well.
I step away from Zac. "Don't you like what you see?" I ask and turn around.
"I've always like what I see." He says and his eyes shine as he smiles.
"Don't look at me like that."
"Why?"
"You look like you're in love with me, idiot."
"Well I am."
"Yeah. Yeah." I roll my eyes at him. Zac is saying things like this almost like every time that it I've become immune to it. I walk back to him and hug his arm. We've become very close to each other. It's funny. I never expected things to end up this way. To think that I don't even like him before makes me smile. A lot of things had happened. So much had changed. Things turned out to be very different from the way I expected them to be.
"Let's go watch movies instead." I suggest. Actually, it's not a suggestion – it is a command. "I don't want us to go to any place where they serve food."
"Gosh you're so..."
"What?!"
"Pretty." He smiles and pinches my nose. "Let's watch a movie then. What do you want to watch?"
"I don't know. You choose."
His smile widens. "That's great. Let's watch Kung Fu Panda 3 then."
"Seriously?" For a man like him, I never thought he would choose such a movie.
"Yeah. You don't like it?"
I shake my head. "Sounds great to me!"
We walk together while I cling on his arms. To the eyes of others, we may look like a very sweet couple but I don't care about what they think. That's what I also learned – to never care about what others would say as long as you're not doing anything wrong.
It's still weekdays but there are quite a number of people in the mall. I've seen some familiar faces I've even smiled to some. There are too much people today.
Among all those people, one person stands out – a guy standing tall and mighty wearing a white sweater and black tattered jeans.
Coldness envelops me. I haven't seen him for months. He's still the same – handsome, confident...
My knees suddenly wobble. I hold Zac's arm tighter.
"Hey, are you okay?" I hear Zac say it but all I could think of is Alexander.
Alexander raises his head and his eyes amazingly lands on mine. He looks surprise for fraction of second but recovers quickly.
"Let's go." Zac pulls me.
We walk nearer and nearer to Alexander. His eyes are on us and mine are on his. I am sweating yet feeling cold at the same time. I don't even know how I manage to walk when my knees are shaking.
Everything slow motions as I get to walk pass him. This is the closest we have since the last time we saw each other. I can hear my heart pounding so loud that it's the only thing I could hear.
"Melissa." I hear him call out my name in a soft quite voice, I could barely hear but I still did. I could still hear him because despite all the noises. I can't hear anything else other than his voice, his breathing... everything about him.
I walk pass him. My eyes are lock to his. He is standing there looking at me with a weary face. Once again I've seen his beautiful grey eyes.
"Let's go, babe." Zac says loudly and pulls me again.
Alexander is still looking at us – at me. He smiles and that's the last thing I've seen before looking away from him.
* * *
Zac turns the engine of his car off.
We are in front of my house and we are silently sitting inside his car. After we saw Alexander, Zac brought me to the parking lot and drove me home. It was so sudden but he insisted and said that he's not feeling well.
"You should come inside and rest before heading home." I suggest. I feel uneasily guilty. I think this is my fault. I unbuckle my seat belt and is about to go out.
"What's with Alexander?" He says painfully – a low painful voice. He is not looking at me but I could still clearly see the sadness in his eyes.
"W-what?" I stutter.
"What's with Alexander?" He repeats with the same painful voice.
"W-what do you mean?"
"You've changed a lot these past few months but –" He raises his head and looks at me. "Why did you act like that in front of him?"
I look at him silently looking for the words to say. Even I don't know the answer to that. I've been wondering about it myself too. I thought I had moved on. I thought I hate him, but why did I act crazily just by seeing him?
"Do you still have feelings for him?" He asks.
"Of course not!" I quickly answer, defensively.
His face brightens. A smile breaks his handsome face. "It's good to hear that."
I fake a smile. Do you still have feelings for him? The question echoes in my head. My racing heart, my wobbling knees, my uncontrollable actions: all of those just because of Alexander. I shake the thought out of my head.
Zac holds my hand and kisses the back of it. "Melissa." He utters and kisses my hand again.
"What are you doing?" I laugh. I try to pull my hand but he's holding it tight.
"Melissa." He repeats. He utters my name carefully like it is something fragile. "I like you. I like you a lot. This is not a joke. I am serious this time." He looks at me deeply. "Babe, I love you."
I stare back at him, unable to think of what to say with my mouth hanging open. To my surprise, what he said did not surprise me. I may consider Zac as my friend – an extremely close one, but I know he have some romantic feelings for me. I could sense that he would say this to me anytime soon. With all the things he'd done for me, I had thought about him liking me, just like what Erika and Toni is telling me but I've never really put too much attention to it. I had doubts about his real feelings and just waiting for him to confirm it. But no matter how much I had thought about it I've never been and will never be prepared for this.
I look down and stare at my hand that he's been holding tight. "I-I don't know what to say."
"It's okay." He responds. "One day you'll know what to say." He smiles warmly trying to hide the disappointment behind.
I look at him again and smile. Suddenly, tears just stream down my cheeks.
"Hey, what's wrong?" He says worriedly wiping away my tears with his hand and holds my face. "What's wrong?"
"I'm sorry, Zac. I'm very very sorry."
"What are you talking about?"
"I'm the worst. You're such a great guy. You have done a lot of things for me but I haven't done anything for you at all. I can't even give you a worthy response." I say between sobs. "I feel like I'm wasting an important thing."
He chuckles, lifting my face to level his. "You're not, okay?" He wipes my tears once more. "One day you'll learn how to love me. Cheer up because I won't stop until you'll fall for me. I promise you that."
That's the sweetest thing I have ever heard.
I cry a lot more because of it. After hearing those words, it made me feel worse.
He cups my face with both his hands and without any word, kisses me.
I gasp as his lips reach mine. My mind goes blank all of a sudden. All my worries fade away and all I could think of is his lips on mine. He moves and I feel his tongue entering my mouth – invading it. I could not think straight anymore. I close my eyes and respond to his kisses.
Maybe Zac is right. One day I'll forget about Alexander and love him instead. All I need is more time to get a hold of myself and finally move on from all the nonsense I've been thinking. I know I could do this. I know I could really move on. I know Zac would help me.
I'm looking forward to that.