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Her eyes, the ones that were always happy, look at me petrified. The same ones that calm me when I am upset, are now a dull flickering of life. I watch them slowly fade to an ice-cold brown. The last movement of life is a nod of the head, a goodbye to me. 'No, don't.' I beg as I begin to run. I reach my hand towards her as the room darkens, shadows engulf her body, and she is ripped into oblivion of darkness. 'No!' I scream as the world turns black and my knees dig into the ground beneath me.
"Bay! Baylor, wake up!" My eyes flicker open to the shaking of my body and a panicked voice. My brother sits in my bed, hair folded chaotically from sleep, hands still gripping each of my arms. His eyes are wide as they dart between mine. Those damn eyes, they're identical to hers. Sun gold circles glowing against the black of his pupil cascading into an enriching earthy brown and a deep mocha ring lining the edge of the iris. I can't look at him, he's a mirror of her reflection.
"I'm sorry I woke you. You can go back to sleep, I'm okay." I lie to Cameron as I turn my back and tug the covers to my chest. A few moments pass before he gets up and walks out of my room and shuts my door. I stare at the picture of my sister in the window seal the rest of the night, picking apart my dream until I have to get ready for my first day back at school.
The morning sun begins to rise behind the photo, light illuminates the picture making her appear almost transparent as if a halo has encircled her body. I get up and put it in one of the boxes in my closet.
This room is bare, cold, void of personality. The walls are painted the slate gray color I use to love, now it just incessantly reminds me of the malicious sky on July 27th.
The red comforter I overpaid for is now a bed of blood, drowning me every night I dream. The only tincture of who I was is in the boxes I've packed away, or in the ones that never had the chance to be unpacked. I can't wrap my head around this.
"Bay, are you up? I have to go to work." Cameron hollers outside my door. I stare at the dresser in front of me, it belonged to my grandmother. It's made of dark oak wood with sterling silver accent handles on all six drawers. I run my hand across the smooth surface hoping it will engulf me in a sense of warmth and love that I haven't felt in a while.
Instead, I'm consumed with a gut-wrenching, heart shredding, dark abyss of loneliness. There're no words to fathom how alone I feel. How hollow my entire body feels like there's nothing inside but a winter storm spiraling me into the same oblivion of darkness that I watch my sister being ripped to every night.
I grab the stupid snow globe off my dresser with four figurines inside, two girls, a boy, and a woman. I don't have to look at the bottom to remember what my grandma engraved on it, "To my grandkids, I love you to the moon and back." It was the last thing my grandma bought us before she died last year, I pick it up and shake it. The white stars float around the moon and fall to the family again. A numb tear falls down my cheek as I walk to my closet and pack it away. Nothing of mine deserves to be unpacked in this apartment.
"Bay?' Cameron knocks at my door. I grab a Nirvana shirt and a pair of jeans from my drawer. "I'm coming".
✽✽✽
"Oh my gosh! Bay? You're back!" Hannah yells from across the hallway, her pink heels clank like nails on a chalkboard with every step she takes towards me. My eyes widen when she wraps me in a hug, I can feel her forced sincerity oozing down my body.
"Sadly," I reply with a fake smile. I don't think I have any real smiles left to give. I hate school, I wish I could have just stayed gone.
"It's been two months, I've missed you!" She gushes as a guy walks by and hugs me again. I roll my eyes at her large barbie doll ones starting to tear up.
But wait!! She missed me soo much. That must be why she never called, text, or stopped by to see me.
My hands clench into fists at my sides and I have to take a few breaths to calm myself down. I don't hate Hannah; I just can't stand people throwing me pity parties when I've never talked to them unless they need something.
"I have to get to class Hannah, talk later?" I ask her with a hard smile. She bops her blonde ponytail up and down obliviously and walks away. I know we'll never talk again.
Once she's gone, I turn back around to the old blue lockers that smell like gym socks and sharpie. I grab the rest of my books and hope nobody else will bother me, I just want to be left alone. I close my locker door and make eye contact with my long-time crush, Asher Hill. He has the most mesmerizing eyes. Though they're different today. A sense of gloom dims his once sparkling blues. Like a storm hiding the sun, blocking you from any emotion he's hiding. Pulling you in but keeping you at a distance. He snarls his nose, rolls his eyes, and walks away.
His actions confuse me. What the hell did I do? He's never had a problem with me before. I mean, I wouldn't say we were friends, we just sent the occasional glances or two-word sentences, but it was always friendly. . . or flirty.
Well, until now.
I'm not going to think too much about it. I was just saying I hate the way people are acting. So, I should be glad he's not treating me like a fragile piece of glass. I do wonder what rumor about me has filled his head with disgust. I don't even want to imagine what kind of gossip is floating around here about my two-month disappearance.
I shake my thoughts away and head to my first-period class upstairs, Mr. Harrison. When I open the door, half the analyzing eyes devour me as I slither into an open seat at the back corner of the room. Some gazes stare longer than others, some people don't dare look at all.
I try to ignore the eyes all around me and put my headphones in. I click shuffle on my playlist and the song 'How To Save A Life' by The Fray starts playing. I rip my headphones out of my ear so fast it sends my phone flying to the floor. The people who weren't already staring are now. Sixteen hundred songs and my fucking phone decides to play the one that has the power to debilitate me.
My cheeks burn as I reach down and grab my phone off the floor. I catch a glimpse of my reflection on my screen and my stomach starts to spin. My brown hair is a tangled mess in a week-old bun on top of my head, my eyes have bags resting on top of bags on top of dark circles. I just noticed the Nirvana shirt I'm wearing has a hole in the collar of it.
I guess I don't have the energy to conform to society's standards of appearance anymore.
The tardy bell rings and I feel relieved when everyone takes their seats and I'm left alone in the corner. I begin scrolling through my playlist trying to find a song that won't send me into a hysterical mess.
An undeniable presence looms over me and I look up into the same stormy eyes from earlier. Asher stands over me menacingly, his cupid bow lips pulled into a tight line sporting a new lip ring that I know he didn't have before summer. His hair falls over his forehead in an unruly mess of blonde curls.
"What?" I spit and it not only takes him off guard but me as well. His eyes narrow in on me and I sink lower in my chair as he takes a step towards me.
"You're in my seat, move!" He seethes as he grips my desk. I can feel my heartbeat accelerate and I try to calm myself down before it's too late.
"I didn't see your stuff sitting here." I try to reason, but, his hand clenches tighter on the desk as he bends down towards me. My leg begins to bounce, and I know I'm going to have a panic attack if he doesn't stop. What the hell is his problem?
"I said move you little, bi-"
"What's going on here?" Mr. Harrison intervenes, and I look up to the ceiling and allow myself to breathe once Asher backs up. Asher replies but I don't bother listening, I'm going to have a meltdown. Breathe in, Baylor. Breathe out, calm down. Breathe in, It's fine. Breathe out . . . I'm, okay.
"Well hello, Baylor. It's so good to see you. I'm glad you're back." Mr. Harrison smiles brightly and a small amount of comfort washes through me. I try to smile at him, I'm not sure how it turned out. Not convincing I guess because his happy eyes turn to sorrow as he stares at me a moment longer and then looks at Asher.
"Asher, it's Baylor's first day back. I'm sure you can find another seat." Mr. Harrison smiles politely at me and I smile back, although I don't feel happy, then again, I don't know if I'll ever feel happy again.
I look up into Asher's enraged eyes and it feels like two daggers are shooting through me. If looks could kill I'd be buried six feet under right now. I lower my eyes and sink deeper into the chair.
If Asher didn't already hate me, he does now. This is not the year for drama, I can't handle anything else. I can feel my heartbeat begin to accelerate; tears sting my eyes, but I don't dare let them fall in front of everyone. It's only the first fucking period and I'm already going to have a panic attack. My leg is bouncing so fiercely it makes my desk rattle and people are beginning to watch. I can't take it anymore. I get up as fast as I can and run out of the classroom. I walk down the hall and let my back slide down the cold brick wall as I take in jagged breaths.
Calm down, just breathe! I try to steady myself, but it feels like every time I take a breath the air is suctioned from my lungs. I dig in my purse for my pills and shakily throw one in my mouth and swallow it as fast as I can. It takes about ten minutes but eventually my breathing goes back to normal and my heart stops racing, but I don't dare go back to that classroom. I shouldn't have even come to school today.
The door opens and I look up expecting Mr. Harrison but Asher is the one who walks out. He looks at me sitting on the floor, rolls his eyes, and mumbles something under his breath as he turns down the hallway towards the bathrooms. This time I can't hold the tears back, and despite trying so hard not to let him get to me, he still did. I close my eyes trying to stop the tears but as soon as I do my mind is flooded with terrifying memories. I don't think I've been able to peacefully close my eyes since that horrible night.
My phone vibrates in my pocket and I pull it out graciously to distract my thoughts. I wipe my tears and look to see a text from Cam.
'Was told you ran out of class, you okay?' I let off a small chuckle at my overprotective brother.
'You have people spying on me?' I text back and he replies immediately.
'Just making sure you're okay.'
'I'm fine, just had to get some air.'
'Don't lie to me Bay, do you need me there?'
'No bub, I'm fine. Really. Stay at work ill see you soon.'
'I will be there at lunch to finish my transfer. Love you.' I tell him I love him back and put my phone in my pocket. I let my head rest against the lonely brick wall as I stare up at the ceiling. My tears are gone, the only indication they were ever there is the makeup smeared beneath my eyes. Her makeup. I want to scream at Asher for making me ruin it, but it's my fault...everything is.
"What's wrong? Princess didn't want to sit in class? Is that why you ran out here to cry?" Asher asks as he towers over me. I don't bother looking at him as I let out a humorless laugh and shake my head unable to believe the way he's treating me. We never had a problem last year?
He knows nothing about me.
"So you're just going to steal my seat I've had since school started two months ago, which you have failed to attend and are somehow still the teachers' pet, then run out here and not even sit in it and you're going to ignore me?" He seethes, the tears burn in the brim of my eyes and I try to choke them back.
"Just go away." I plead and he lets out a cold laugh.
"She can speak. Well, let me tell you something now that you're listening." He says and then bends down next to my ear, I can feel his breath fan my skin as he enunciates each word. "You. Are. A. Pathetic. Coward." Before I can reply he opens the door and goes back to class, leaving me out here as I begin to sob. The hole in my chest carved a bit deeper; adding to the numbness that has succumbed me almost completely.
✽✽✽
"I'm so glad you're back! We've been lost without you!" Leah tells me as we sit our lunch trays down at our same table as last year, at least something hasn't changed. A small smile tugs on my lips for the first time in a while and I take a moment to appreciate Leah, because I know I wouldn't be here right now if it wasn't for her.
My best friend and I are complete opposites at the moment. She is stunning, her honey-brown hair falls down her back in silky curls, her eyes are the darkest shade of blue with a radiating brightness to them. At the moment they study me, trying to be discreet but failing. I can see the faintest crease of worry between her perfectly shaped brows. I look up at her and she stops staring and looks down at her phone. I know what she's staring at though.
She is staring at the unrecognizable shell of her best friend. She's staring at the many bags resting in the dark pits beneath my tired, dull, brown eyes. She's staring at my brokenness.
"Hello? Earth to Bay?" Leah says waving her hand in front of my face, the worried crease appearing again.
"I'm sorry what?"
"I asked how your first day back is going." Her eyes narrow in concern as she looks at me.
"I just want to go home. I hate this place." I tell her, but now that I think about it I'd rather go anywhere else. I can't handle constantly returning to that apartment with her stuff boxed up in my closet, her room bare and never able to be unpacked. I don't want to go back to that dreaded place with so many heart shredding memories that tear me apart every time I see her empty room.
"Brighten up, we have the perfect view to check out all the sexy seniors." She purrs trying to lighten the mood. Brighten up? I don't think that's going to be possible.
"That's true." I say forcing my lips upward in this excruciating motion. I'll act like I'm not shattered inside, for you Leah.
"See, we just have to focus on the good things." There's nothing good left. I wasn't always this negative, I guess I'm completely broken now.
"What have I missed?" I ask, not really caring about the answer, but I listen to her anyway.
"Not much. Charity lost her V-card to Asher, along with about twelve other girls. He really went wild the last few months. And I'm failing AP Chem for missing so much school."
"Seen that one coming, gross to it being with Asher. I officially hate him. And I'm failing most of my classes too, so cheers." I say and hold out my French fry and we jokingly smack our fries together.
"Since when do you hate Asher? Didn't you always talk about how hot he was?" She giggles and I slap her arm playfully as a blush creeps up my burning cheeks. He was hot until he started being an asshole.
"Shut up. That was like freshman year!"
"And sophomore, and now junior..." She coos as she buckles over in laughter and I just roll my eyes.
"I'll be right back , I need some ketchup." She says still giggling.
"I'll get the nasty stuff for you, maybe you will be done laughing when I get back." I offer and stand up, I'm not eating my food anyway. She gives me a pearly smile and I head to the front of the cafeteria. I turn the corner towards the condiments and almost bump into someone. I look up from the tight chest protruding from the body-hugging V-neck and into . . . stormy. . . blue eyes. Are you kidding me, I was checking out Asher, right in front of him.
"Watch where you're going. Oh, that's right, you don't know how." He spits as he brushes past me, bumping my shoulder in the process. I feel as if my heart stopped beating . . . He can't know.
There's no way that's what he was talking about. . . Right? I turn around and stare worriedly at his retreating back. I really hope I'm just paranoid.
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A/n; hey guys so I really hope you give this book a try. I hope you guys like it please vote and comment and follow!:)