This was not Audra's choice of compartments. These were not her friends. This is not how she wanted to spend her second to last train ride home, but sometimes, you have to do things you don't want to do. There's a conversation swirling around her, one that involved a lot of comments about mudbloods and blood traitors and name dropping, but she's not listening. Instead, she's watching the rain roll down the window pane, hearing the echo of the conversation that happened only a few days ago.
She'd never had a chance to talk to Dumbledore before, but if she had stopped to wonder what the conversation would have been like, Audra certainly wouldn't have imagined something like this. She wouldn't have thought she would have been taken out of bed in the middle of the night by Snape and led to the Gargoyle protected staircase, and when the door swung open, she'd be facing not only the Headmaster, but also Proffesor Moody (the real one), Professor McGonagall, Mr. Weasley, Proffessor McGonagall, Bill, Hagrid, and the stangers that were soon introduced as Tonks and Kingsley.
"Minerva tells me you wish to fight," The Headmaster said. His eyes, which normally sparkled with a wonderful kind of light, were serious, but still kind. "And that you can do Occlumency. Are you aware of what you could do with that skill?"
"Yes," She breathes out, because she had known, but she also knows that if it came down to it, she would do whatever he asked of her. "Yes, I know."
"Hello?" A hand waved in front of her face, claw like nails painted an acid green. Emmeline. "You with us?"
"Yeah," Audra smiled a smile she did not feel, and knew it looked convincing. "Just a bit tired."
"We were just saying how surprised we were that you came to sit with us instead of the weasels." Draco said. She might have been angry, but could not manage it, not when he was sitting cross legged like a child and drawing patterns in the fog on the window. "Finally come to your senses?"
It's good natured teasing, and he says it with a fondess in his voice, like its only right that cousins should sit beside each other on the train ride home. Like they'd never done anything different. She's suddenly sorry that they never have before, and wonders if she had stuck around more, he might have turned out different. "Something like that."
"It's too dangerous!" Mr. Weasley exploded, the tips of his ears burning red. She doesn't think he's ever spoken in front of these people like that, but now he's placed himself between her and the rest of the room, like he could possibly shield her from the thing that was just asked of her. "A spy? Like Snape? She's a child!"
"It's too dangerous!" Hagrid roared. Audra had spent enough time in his classes to grow fond of him, and knowing that she must argue against him hurts.
"I think its going to get dangerous for everyone, Hagrid." She said, stepping around Arthur to stand in the center of the room again.
"The question isn't how dangerous this is going to be." Professor Moody growled, magical eye spinning like it could see straight through her and into her soul. "It's wether or not she can do what's being asked of her."
"If she's half the witch her aunt was, and from what I've heard of her, there's no doubt in my mind that she is, she'll be able to handle it." Professor Lupin spoke up from his corner of the room, and in his face she saw someone else who had been forced to fight too much, much too young. "Welcome to the Order, Audra."
She gets tired of sitting there faster than she expected, and now she's up wandering the corridors. Audra knows she has a part to play, but its easy enough to fake motion sickness and the need for a bit of space. They accept the excuse easily enough and let her slip out of the compartment.
Audra weaves between groups of people, dodging elbows and smiling in a half hearted hello. She keeps moving, as if she could outrun this new feeling of dread that has settled onto her shoulders, but when she finally finds an empty corridor, she slumps against the wall. It's the first time she lets herself feel the exhaustion.
She thinks she would have stayed there all day, but a door beside her slides open to give more room to all the people jammed inside, and voices leak out. "Is Audra not sitting with us?"
Audra recognizes Ron's voice, innocent and oblivious as always. They can't see her, but it still makes her jolt back in a panic, realizing for the first time what Snape meant when he told her that she needed to play her part, and play it well. "No," That was Fred, his voice as familiar to her as her own, even if its tinged with something that's a little bit like anger. "We won't be seeing much of her for a while."
There are invisible fingers pushing against her mind, grasping at the edges where her block begins, groping in the fog for something substantial. She can feel them as clearly as she would have felt a hand on her face, and Audra pushes back with even more force, weaving a block with such subtletly that if you had not known it was there, you would not know where to look. The hand pulls back, and Audra is already beginning to smile with premature relief when it comes back like a beaters bat to the back of her head, the force of it so strong that she falls to the ground with a cry. She feels something in mind break, and the migraine pours in like flood through a broken down dam. The pain pairs well with the skinned knee and broken wrist.
"Please," She begs, pulling her arms up to shield her head even though she knows it will do nothing, help nothing. "Please, no more, please professor."
Audra is not a girl accustomed to begging, or crying, but she is doing both now. It's probably four in the morning now, and she was running only on a few precious hours of sleep from the night before. Right after her meeting with members of the Order in Dumbledore's office, Snape took her down to the dungeon, and that was where she stayed, her mind being attacked relentlessly. "No more?" He yells, and the words stab at her bruised brain. "No more?" Snape grabs her by the front of her robes, hauls her to her feet, and slams her back against one of the cupboards. One of the jars falls to the ground and shatters, green slime seeping into her shoes. "The Dark Lord does not show mercy. You can not ask for kindness, or give it. You must keep your cover at all costs. You will torture, you will kill, and you will swear loyalty without hesitation. Do you understand?" He lets her drop to the floor. "Again."
She glares at him, unsure how he expects her to stand on shaky legs. But she grabs onto the arm of the chair and pulls herself to her feet again, head held high, and when his subconcious reaches out to touch hers, Audra has already constructed the wall that must now always be there.
He does not break through.
She makes it back to the Slytherin compartment a few minutes before they pull into the station. They all look up when the door slides open with a screech, but their faces split into relieved smiles when they see that it's her.
"You feeling better?" Emmeline asks. She's balancing on Goyle's and Crabbe's hands so she can crawl up onto the suit case rack and free the sweater that had gotten tangled into the bars.
"A little yeah. Got sick, so I thought I should stay in the bathrooms."
They all nod sympathetically, but when the train screeches to a stop, they pour past her into the hallway. To her surprise, it is Draco who stays by her side. "I thought you might be getting sick when you stayed away for so long, so I got you some gilly water. Get the taste out, you know?"
She stares at the little bottle he had placed in her hand, touched. Audra hears herself say thank you, but he just pats her on the shoulder and goes off in search of his parents. She follows him, levitating her suitcase beside her.
Audra passes the Weasley's. In better days, she would have stopped and said good bye, and made plans to meet up in the coming weeks. Today, all she can do is stop and stand, staring wistfully after them. Ginny raises a hand in a wave, forgiving and brave as always, but George pushes her hand back to her side. When she walks away, she can feel them all looking at her.
"I won't be able to see you this summer." Audra says. They are standing in one of their hide aways, the secret spots that only they know about. "There's going to be a lot going on."
"I thought we said we'd stay together?" George demanded. "That no matter what happened, we'd deal with it like we always did. That this isn't changing any of us."
But God, she thought depserately, wildly, doesn't he get it, we've already changed, we've all grown so much, they cannot turn back now.
She doesn't say it. "I know. I know, and I'm sorry, but it's not safe. Not safe for you, not safe for me."
"We're not running away from you." Fred says, reaching out to her. It's meant to comfort, and she lets herself sink into his arms one last time before pulling away. That night in Dumbledore's office, they had all (even Mr. Weasley) agreed that she must sever ties with the twins, no matter what she has to to say. If they were to come face to face with someone before Audra's situation can be explained, they must think of her as someone who means very little to them.
"Yeah," George says. "We're not scared. We'll steal you away if we have to."
"I'm not scared." She says, wiggling out of their arms. "It's just that, right now, it's not good for someone like me to be seen wtih people like you."
"People like us?" Fred's voice had a hollow echo, like he can't believe she would say things.
"Don't make me say it." She begs, and they don't, but they do turn and leave her in the dark. Fred pauses in the door way, and there is no anger on his face, just a deep disappointment.
"I though you were better than the rest of them. I was wrong," He laughs, short and bitter. "I guess we should have expected nothing more from a Slytherin."
Audra shakes her head, trying to make that particular memory leave. Then she smiles, holding her head high and waving her arm in a lazy greeting. She intends to act calm and collected, to keep her cool until she has enough privacy to fall apart, but then there's a hand on her arm and a familiar face leaning down to hug her. "Miss me?"
"Vance!" The excitement is not faked this time, and neither is the force with which she hugs him. "I thought you were with you girlfriend on holiday for the summer?"
"We decided to stay here this year." He smiles, pleased and surprised at the warm welcome. Audra thinks of another time where his face and his golden curls loomed over her, but pushes that memory away. It doens't matter anymore. "Exciting things are happening, little sister."
Audra lets herself be wrapped in a hug by her mother as well, even if it didn't feel very motherly. "Did you have time to think about what I wrote you?"
"I did. And you were right." Audra pulled apart from her and smiled, destroying the last bit of reluctance that she might have had. "It's time for me to grow up and choose where I stand." She takes a deep breath, catches sight of a flash of red disappearing off the platform, and turns away like the sight burns her. "I stand with you."