You make me feel the things I didn't believe in anymore.
- perry poetry
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Chapter 19
Camila's POV
The cold wind coming from the west coast gives me a fresh feeling and the smell of ocean is giving every piece of my nerve a relaxing treatment. I've always been In love with the ocean, it's smell and it's presence. Lauren and I are standing at the cliff while looking at the San Francisco's golden bridge. Today is the start of Lauren's dare and ever since this morning, Lauren is so quiet. Though she will joke around and piss me off like she always does and even though there's a smile plastered on her lips I know something is bothering her. She's not happy, and it bothers the hell out of me too. I want to ask her what's wrong but I need to control myself. I shouldn't show to her that I care so it'll be easy for us to just move forward and shove everything behind us when this 3 days dare finally comes to an end.
After a long moment of silence, Lauren speak. "I love this place."
Casually, I reply, "You've been here before?"
"No, this is my first time."
"What do you love about the place though?"
"No one knows who am I, what I am. I can start fresh. Away from everyone."
I shift my eyes to Lauren. What is this emotion painted in her face? For the first time, I can feel her slowly putting her guard down. This is the first time I'm going to see her vulnerable.
"What do you see when you look at me?" Lauren asked, not meeting my gaze. Her green eyes kept darted straight to the golden bridge in front of us.
"Uhh," I get tongue tied to her question as my heart started to beat erratically inside my chest, "Y-you're...you're beautiful. You're like...like an angel."
Lauren bitterly scoff, "An angel?"
With my utmost sincerity, I reply, "Yes. An angel." My beautiful angel.
"When I look at myself in the mirror I see nothing but a failure. A disappointment. A monster." There's a tears forming in Lauren's eyes and because of it, I can feel my chest getting squeezed very very tightly. "The thing I can't stand most about myself is that I'm so rarely settled. That I cannot allow myself the space to feel satisfaction of what I do. That I avoid intimacy at all cost and court difficult things. That I dismantle everything I love because I am so terrified of endings. I am still hurting and I am still lying about it. There is no soft way to say that sometimes I forget how to breathe so I skip that and ask what's for dinner instead. I am still learning to do the easy things like eat when I'm hungry and leave my bed everyday. I am still learning to twist my tongue around words that resemble the truth. I am still falling asleep with hopes that everything will be okay even though all my griefs says the same thing: this isn't how it's supposed to be and the world laughs and says: this is how it is. I am still falling In love with the sun. I am still stepping around broken glass and thinking that counts as strength. I am still hoping I will be saved from everything that slowly destroying me." Tears finally run down to her cheeks, making the air caught up in between my throat. It's hard to see Lauren like this. It pains me.
"And then you came. I swear, I didn't mean to make you this important to me. I'm happy when I'm with you. You touched me and suddenly, I feel a little less war torn. I'm not sure what peace is supposed to feel like but I think it may feel a lot like you. And for that, I could feel it happening. Slowly, but it was happening. I prayed every night that it wouldn't happen, but it was inevitable. I...I fell In love with you, Camila. And it...it scares me so much. I-I've been numb for too long that I forgot how to love and feel loved anymore." Lauren scoff, still crying. "Besides, who would pray for Satan, right? Who, in the fucking world, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?"
I open my mouth, almost said something. Almost said that I'm your worshipper. I'll be the one who will pray for Satan and devote myself to it. I'll give everything to save her from herself. Almost. The rest of my life might have turned out differently in just a second if I had. But I didn't.
"Camz," I didn't notice that Lauren's already facing me. There's no more tears running through her cheeks this time. "can I ask you a favor?"
I didn't say anything. I mean, how can I when everytime Lauren's being this close to me I always end up either stuttering or tied tongue.
"I know that when we go back to New York, we're going to pretend like none of this ever happens. You will go in your own way, I'll go with mine. Though it's really killing me inside to let you go, I know it's a good thing as well. I'm no good for you. If you stay with me, I know time will come I'll hurt you as well. I don't want that. I don't want to see you crying because of me. Who am I, right? I'm just a piece of trash. And you- you deserve the whole world. You deserve every happiness the world has to offer. Who am I to love a precious angel like you? I'm just a broken nobody." A long pause surrounded us with tears forming in her eyes again. I can't even bare to make an eye contact to her. I can't even look at her without hearing my heart shatter like a glass.
"I won't ask you to remember me because that would be so selfish. All I'm asking is for you to give me a good memory that I can remember for as long as I'm breathing. For 3 days, lie to me, Camila. Tell me you love me as well even if you don't mean it. Tell me you need me even if you don't. Hug me as if you will never let me go. And I promise, in return, I will disappear in your life. Every trouble and chaos I've caused you, it will be gone. Just for 3 days, pretend that you love me as well. Can you do that for your friend? After all, you're my former Mrs. Jauregui." Lauren chuckled even though I know her heart is breaking as well just like mine.
Why do things need be so complicated? I didn't know that I'm crying until Lauren run her thumb at the side of my eyes to wipe away my tears.
When it took so long for me to answer, the older girl bend to catch my eyes. "Am I asking too much? I'm Sorry. Just- just forget it."
"No." I quickly answered, "I-it always takes me a while to put words together," I tell her. "It's not you."
"No, no. Lie to me," She says, moving closer, her heart-stopping smile plastered on her soft lips. "Let me pretend when we're alone like this I render you speechless." And then Lauren moves her face even more closer to me, causing me gulp pretty hardly. My whole being completely froze while staring at her loving green eyes. I was expecting her to kiss me on my lips like she always does she but kiss me on my forehead instead. I close my eyes and seize the feeling of her lips against my skin and her cold hands against my heated cheeks.
When I felt Lauren pulled away from me, my eyes remain close. I can still feel her under my skin. Burning. Her hands reaches my waist, pulling me even more closer to her until our bodies collided. But within this given no space between us, I still feel the need of feeling her closer to me. The feeling of needing her under my skin. The feeling of her warm breath hitches to my soul. She's my drug and I'm already addicted to her. And If I'm going to describe how much I need her, I would say I need her just like how human being needs water to survive, needs air to breathe. Needing her is like begging for mercy from the heaven's gate. And for a moment, I forgot I wasn't suppose to feel this way. She made me break my typical rules. I forgot that I have a boyfriend waiting for me at home. I forgot about everything else. I forgot that the world doesn't revolve to the two of us. I forgot all the doubts, all the fears that I have from the very beginning. And now, all I can feel is this burning desire inside of me. I can't control it anymore.
"Tell me you love me. Tell me, because if I tell you first, I'm afraid you'll think it's just a game."
I open my eyes to meet her gaze. I know if I open my mouth and say it, I'll be damned forever. And forgive me for I am a sinner, "I love you." And before Lauren could say anything else, I tip my toes so I can reach her lips. I kiss her. Just like how Eve ate that forbidden apple from the tree. I kissed her like her lips were air and I couldn't breathe. And I know if I could go back to this very moment, I would have given up everything just to feel this feeling twice.
***
We were running down the street of San Francisco hand in hand. After that emotional moment, Lauren and I are both wearing a genuine smile now. We were comfortable in each other's company. It's so nice to be here, you know? So refreshing and new feeling for me. No one knows who we are, how old are we, or where we lived. I feel like I'm free and I can leave the complicated life that I had in New York for a while. And for that, San Francisco became my favorite place for running away. I think what makes this city special for me is because of the kiss we had awhile ago. It was genuine and pure and raw and so honest and so magical. And that's when I knew it was love. We love each other and that kiss is the concrete proof.
We grab some food at the fish and chips restaurant at the side street for our lunch. Lauren's the one who ordered our food while I was standing at the corner beside her.
"So, are we going to stay in a hotel?"
"No, I bought a house yesterday. It's around the block."
"Really? So is this like the first time you're going to live in a house?" I tease her and the green eyed girl gave me a Are you serious? kind of look.
"I already experience to live in a house, CabeLLo. But I think out of all places I used to lived, this house is my home. I don't want to live in New York anymore. It suffocates me."
I want Lauren to forget about everything bad that happened to her and for her to be genuinely happy. And in order for her to do that, it means that she has to live far far away from New York to start fresh. But then at the same time, I don't want to her leave. The thought of Lauren disappearing in my life makes my stomach upside down, "So...?" I tried to find some words to say but I ended up saying one word with a frown.
"I don't know." Lauren shrugged.
"How about your parents? I'm sure they will be super worried if you won't come back to New York with me."
"They won't." Lauren answered super surely. Just like how sure she is to herself everytime we're talking about her being her, "Don't let yourself be fooled by their sweet and gentle faces. I know they look like a caring parents but they're not. They don't care about me as much as they care about Chris and Taylor. But it's fine though, I'm used to it anyway." Lauren smiled before walking over the counter to get our order.
It hurts to hear someone saying they're used to it about something they shouldn't feel or at least to say, they don't deserve to feel. It only shows that Lauren endured so much of it that she gets numb to it anyway.
"Hmm," Lauren handed me the brown paper hug, "Eat it while we're walking. We had a lot of time to walk around the city."
"Thank you."
The green eyed girl smile before putting her arm around my shoulder, "You're welcome, buddy."
As we wonder around the city, we go visit the Palace of the Fine Arts. It was a beautiful place though but to our eyes, it looks like a home of Cleopatra and Hercules. Lauren and I had a lot of fun roaming around the place while taking each other's pictures.
"Did you enjoy the place?"
"Hmm..." I nod my head with a smile, "The Fine Arts is so fine and so art." I joked and Lauren crack a long loud laugh, making me laugh as well. She really love me, hmm? She even love my corny jokes.
"I will miss your corny jokes so much, Camz." Lauren reach for my hand and intertwined her fingers against mine.
We both stop from laughing as we look in each other's eyes. Suddenly, the happiness that filled the void disappear and quickly replace with overwhelming sadness, it almost crashed my bones. And I know Lauren feels it too as she tries to save the situation and make it light and jolly, "I mean, it's not like this is the last time I'll hear it, you know? We still have tomorrow and then the day after tomorrow and then..." Lauren trails off from her sentence and meet my gaze. The spark in her green eyes that I always see a while ago disappeared as well, "Ha!" Lauren chuckled even though there's a tears forming in her eyes again, "I think we should allot a couple of hours for our joking session. What do you think?"
"I think that's great."
"Yeah, I think so too. We should do that tonight."
I smiled timidly, "Yeah, we should."
After a few minutes of walking down the street, we go inside of this vintage bookstore at the corner of the street. Lauren and I parted ways since the green eyed girl go to the fictional section while I go to the romance section because I'm a huge fan of romantic books and happy endings. I love imagining myself being in the character's shoes, feeling every emotions that exist in the universe. There are a lot to choose from but I guess what caught my attention is the book called Yucatan Cafe by Anne Schovandurch. This book is about the concept of falling In love and taking the risk. Perfect story for my complicated ass.
"Have you found a good one?" Lauren's voice suddenly echoed right beside me.
"Yeah, you?"
"I got one." The green eyed girl replied. I shift my eyes down to her hand and I saw that she's holding a book with only 5 or 6 pages only, I think.
"Mythology book with few pages?"
"Sort of. It's called Miraculum. It's about the greek god and goddess who both believed in Miracle and saved each other. When Eos, the goddess of new beginnings held the hand of Asclepius, the god of healings, they both created a miracle that will both bring them an infinite happiness in return for saving each other. And I guess this is where happy endings came from."
"I'm fascinated about the book. No wonder you liked it."
"I don't know. I'm not into books like this but when I saw this I feel something weird. Like a connection or something."
"Is that the last copy of the book?"
"Yeah. You want it?"
"No, no. I guess I'll order it online. Can you give me the author name?"
"Sure, it's, uhh," Lauren flip the book with her eyes searching for the name of the author, "KM."
I pulled out my phone from my pocket and go to my notes as I type: KM - Miraculum (book to buy!!!) and then lock my phone and slip it back to my pocket.
We head over to the cashier to pay the books that we bought before we head home. It only took 15 minutes of walking before we reach the white beautiful house with a garden in front.
"This is beautiful, Laur."
"Yeah." Lauren smiled as she open the door for me. When I get inside, no stuff is place around the house. Living room is empty except for the piano and some empty canvas. At the kitchen, there's a stove, a fridge, and a table for two. There's no second floor unlike the house we used to lived in New York. My eyes shift to her bedroom and there's a wooden bed carved in a car design.
"That's...your bed?"
"Hmm." Lauren hummed, "Mike says Clara carved it herself when I'm still in her womb cause she thought it will be a boy. And it's sentimental for me cause I used to woke up in that bed as a happy kid so I at least want to feel that feeling again that's why I brought it here as well."
"There's no enough stuff around in here. Do you want me to help you decorate?"
Lauren shook her head no, "Since this is my home now, I only want to filled it with stuff that has a sentimental value for me. I want this house to be filled with our memories so when I go home, at least I can remember something good. At least I can be happy." Lauren's voice crack again with her eyes staring into something deep of an endless thoughts.
I held her hand so tight. And when our eyes met, I flash a genuine smile. "Let's make a lot of happy memories then."
"Hmm." Lauren nod her head, "I love that."
We put our stuff down the floor as Lauren toss the apron to me and I quickly wear it off. I put my hair in a messy bun as well, same goes to Lauren. The older girl teach me how to mix colors at the palette while she's busy preparing the canvas. Once I'm done mixing, the green eyed girl teach me how to stroke lightly and very careful using the brush. Our subject is Dinah and I don't have any plans of making it look presentable and pleased in the eyes. If it's Ally or Normani, I'll do my best to make it beautiful. But for Dinah, nah.
Our painting session became a playtime when Lauren accidentally brush the color blue to my left cheek. Ofcourse, I had a little payback by dipping the tip of my finger to the color red and brush it to Lauren's nose making her look like Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Lauren, ofcourse, seek for a payback but I didn't let her have it. I run around the house and she's chasing me down while we were both laughing, so much we hardly even catch our breath. And since she's a jock and even though I'm Carolton's track and field athlete, I can't truly say that I run pretty damn fast like Flash. To cut the chase down, Lauren catch me. She held me by my waist and instead of some color paint, it's her lips that brush against my skin. I felt the electric static running down to every bones and nerves in my body. We were laughing as we kissed and kissed again. The someone else's laughter in your mouth, there is no better taste than that.
"Camz," Lauren pulled away, still wearing the smile I gave her. "Dance with me. Bring my demons to their knees."
I grab her hand, wearing the smile she gave me as well. "Ofcourse, I'll dance with you. All night if you wish."
"Even if I step on your toes?"
"Even then."
She leaned in, brushing her mouth to my heated cheek. I closed my eyes at the whisper of a kiss, at the hunger that takes over me completely, that might taking Lauren over as well. And all around us, as if the world itself were indeed falling apart. Stars rained down.
Bits of stardust glowed on her lips as she pulled away, as I stared up at her, breathless, while she smiled. "I am...very glad that I met you, Camila."
I blinked away the burning in my eyes, "Me too. Thank you for being part of my life even though it's temporary."
Lauren just smiled while looking in my eyes. The kind of smile that has regret and a bitter sweet one. And it got me thinking, what if we try and give each other a chance, will it work out? Is it worth it to give up everything that I had? To hurt Shawn and destroy the bond that I had with Normani? There's so many at stake in here. It's complicated. They say no person can love others if they don't know how to love themselves first. Can Lauren love me despite of how ruined she is? Can I put my heart out in an open sea of pain just for her? I don't know what to think anymore. I just feel like my head is going to explode.
"Maybe this lifetime isn't for us. Who knows? Maybe in the next, we'll meet again when we're different people. Maybe then we'll be better for each other. And I swear, I won't let you go ever again." Lauren smiled before she slip her hand inside the pocket to her jeans to get her phone.
When she pulled it out, the green eyed girl played Ed Sheeran's Perfect. We sway slowly to the music with my head resting against her chest and her hands wrapped around my waist. She kisses the crown of my head, tucking a strand of my hair carefully behind my ear.
No matter what happens, no matter where our path takes us, this moment will be ours.
The rest of the day, Lauren and I were just chilling. We've wrote each other a short poem while sitting at each corner, face to face. My poem for her goes like:
I wish I could take your pain
and wipe the tears off your face with my love.
I know you're hurting because you're not loving yourself
but I have enough love for you to last a lifetime for the both of us.
I wish I could make you feel
what I feel when I look at you
when I touch you
when your beautiful voice
shakes my brain
I wish I could close your eyes
and replace them with butterflies
so beautiful
so free
they are everything you want to be
everything you already are to me.
And Lauren's poem for me:
You brought me sunshine
when I only saw rain
You brought me laughter
when I only felt pain.
Later that night, we spent it in the roof. We were laying in the fluffy white blanket that's been spread wide open, enough for the both of us to lay comfortably and feel cozy. Our eyes gazing at the sky filled with stars while cracking a laugh at each other's jokes. My book is resting in my lap while in Lauren's hand is a bottle of liquor we've been sharing for hours. As we lay here, we talk about everything and nothing but mostly about our future like we really had a clue about it. We talked as if we were so sure about it. We forgot about the dare, my boyfriend waiting for me, and the rest of the world. We talk about getting married to each other and having a kids, and without knowing it, we were slowly building a new world that only belong to the two of us. The dreams that we've created for the two of us is what makes that world brighter than the rest of the planets in the universe.
"So, what's that book?"
"Oh, this?" I lift up the book so Lauren can have a good look at it. "It's called Yucatan Cafe. It's about-"
Lauren cut me off, "Happy ending, I know. You're like the number 1 fan of it."
"Thank you for finishing my sentence." I chuckled, making the green eyed girl smile. She took a deep loud breath before she speak again.
"I believed in happy endings before. But then the reason why I believed in it left so I never gave a fuck about it anymore. And then you came, and I believed in it once again. Now that you're leaving as well, I've come to realize that happy endings really does exist, but not for me."
Instead of saying anything, I hug Lauren. I rest my head against her chest, feeling it go rise and fall. I can also hear the beat of her heart. It's loud. So loud I can actually hear my name.
"Can you breathe okay with my head on your chest like this?"
Lauren hummed yes softly, "It's the only way I know how to breathe."