HANNAH
Noah's hand stayed on my cheek as he kissed me back, much more roughly than I'd originally intended, and I braced my hands against the brick steps as I tried to convince him that I was actually into it. Instead, my thoughts were racing and I wasn't at all focused on what he was doing.
The first thing I wanted to do was cry, even though I knew I couldn't as Hannah. I'd been struggling to prove to myself that Noah had loved me and had stayed loyal to me even when everything and everyone had gone against him. I'd forced myself to see the best in him, to distrust everyone else's opinions, and to blindly continue to reciprocate his affections. And it had all been for a dare. I didn't know how I could have been so blind: the texts and date with Kayla, the night he had spent with Erin, and now this. How had I not seen it before?
He didn't care about me--never had. I was just a game to him. A girl that he'd toy around with for a while, then push away, shattering her heart in a million pieces while he just smirked and looked on, already moving on to someone else. I was the person he played and used just to gain the approval of "the guys". I was nothing to him. I wasn't even worth his loyalty while we were a couple.
He was still kissing me, and it took me a few seconds to realize that I wasn't kissing him back. Heart hammering, I slowly pressed my hands against his chest and pushed him away from me. I knew I had to keep playing his game, at least for tonight, but I also knew that I couldn't sit here with him when I wanted to throw up just at the mere sight of him.
"What's wrong?" he asked quietly, moving his face only slightly away from me. He was breathing heavily, and the smell of mint was enough to make me want to curl up in a ball and start sobbing. I couldn't believe I'd fallen for his tricks and his lies, and made a fool of myself in front of everyone.
"You shouldn't be doing this," I said back as evenly as I could, my fists clenching and unclenching in my lap. My voice was stronger than I'd expected, and it gave me strength to push forward. "You have a girlfriend."
Noah's hand drew around the back of my neck and he pulled me close to him again, his lips resting on my forehead. "I know," he replied. "And I've told you I couldn't care less about her."
Hearing it again made my already shattered heart break again into another million fragments. I drew a shaky breath which rattled in my chest. "Then break up with her," I said coolly.
"You know I can't do that."
When I looked up at Noah I saw that he was smirking, one side of his mouth pulled up higher than the other. He actually looked amused--he was staring at me like I was some child who was making a big deal out of nothing.
"Why, Noah?" I asked harshly. His hand was still on my cheek, but it didn't seem warm anymore; instead, it felt sticky and like a dead weight. I was revolted by him, disgusted that I'd ever fallen for him. "Too afraid to lose your dignity?" I demanded, angling my face as far away from him as I could. "Don't want to seem weak?"
He ran his hands through my blonde hair, lightly tugging at it. "Don't you understand, Hannah?" he asked. He still had that awful smirk plastered onto his features. It made me want to scream and punch him and sob, all at the same time. "Won't you wait for me?"
That was when I shoved him hard in the chest, and even though my push didn't move him, it got the message across. He slid his arms out from around me and went back to crossing his hands in his lap, suddenly more reserved.
"I will not wait for you," I hissed. "You don't care about me any more than you care about your girlfriend. Just watch: you'll move on to someone else tomorrow. Maybe even tonight. I saw you kissing that girl out in the backyard, you know I did. Who was she, then?"
Noah bit down on his lip, his eyes shifting from the porch steps to my face. His features were illuminated in the light so that he was almost glowing, and a week ago looking at him would have made me crumple inside. Now, all I felt was anger. "She's my girlfriend," he said smoothly, not even blinking as the easy falsehood slipped right out. "I've got to keep up my act, you know?"
"You sick liar," I spat out. Everything seemed blurry. Music was still blasting from inside the house and the front door stood wide open; people could have easily listened in on our conversation if they'd cared enough to hear what we had to say. "I know better. She isn't your girlfriend."
"How do you know?"
Noah's words were a challenge. He was getting angry now, too; his brown eyes, usually so soft and warm, were fiery. When I studied him, I saw that his jaw was locked in anger, making it look more pronounced than usual.
"I know people," I said.
He rolled his eyes and reached for my hand again, gripping it tight. I couldn't have pulled it away if I'd tried. "Fine, Hannah, she isn't. But I don't care about her either, now that I've seen you."
I tried in vain to yank mine hand away, exerting way too much effort as he continued to sit there stoically, watching me struggle. "You are a delusional, psychopathic jerk," I panted as I twisted my arm to try and get him to release me. I wasn't scared of him like I'd been scared of Kent; maybe my fury was making me brave. "You deserve to live and die alone."
His eyes twinkled. "Hannah, I will never live alone and I will certainly never die alone."
"There's always someone for you, isn't there?" I asked, spitting the words out between my teeth. "I'm sure there's just a line of girls standing outside your door waiting for you to break their hearts, one by one." I wanted to tell him that I was there once, pounding on his door at the very front of the line, where I'd stood through rain and storms and sadness, the hope that one day he would actually see me keeping me bound there, waiting for him as if I were wearing chains. There was a time when I would have given anything for him to tell me he loved me. But I was wiser now, and that time was long gone.
He either didn't pick up on my sarcasm or chose to ignore it. "I don't like to qualify myself as a heartbreaker," he explained, grabbing my other hand. "I just get bored easily. I don't think I'd get bored with you."
"Well I'm already bored with you. Bored and completely disgusted." I kicked out with my leg and one of the sharp heels on my shoes connected with his shin. He released me with surprise, his eyes wide. "Get out and stay out of my life, Noah."
He called out after me as I stomped up the porch steps and back into the house but didn't follow.
A part of me wanted to leave right then and go back home to sit in my bedroom, curled up in my sheets so that I could cry my eyes out. Mom would make me cookies and we'd sit up in my room together, where she'd let me vent as I spilled crumbs all over the mattress. Dad would never know I'd been out of the house, and maybe the family wouldn't even fight for a few days.
I turned around and started to go back outside, intending on getting into my car, when I caught sight of Hannah's face in a mirror in the foyer. Her eyes were dull and her hair was tangled, but somehow, she still looked like a queen: powerful and completely in control of her life.
I wanted to be that girl, with or without Noah.
Without hesitating, I turned around and went back into the kitchen, set on making the best of the night.
I grabbed a bottled water from the fridge, not planning on going anywhere near the cooler again, and uncapped it. The flimsy plastic crinkled as I gulped down the water; I hadn't realized how thirsty I was from all of my arguing and crying. Around me, people continued to dance to the blaring music and talk, their voices too loud.
The corner of the kitchen was relatively empty, so I leaned against the refrigerator and watched as the party continued. I saw Noah slip back inside the house, and to his credit he didn't immediately go off after some random girl. Instead, he popped open the cooler, took out a bottle, and headed over to a group of guys by the stove: his friends from the football team. My stomach flipped over angrily.
I continued to guzzle down the water, keeping an eye out for Kent, Morgan, and even Troy. Much as I tried not to, I found myself scanning the spacious premises for Troy, wanting him to appear right in front of me. Somehow he'd know that Hannah was the same girl as Audrey, who was the same girl as Nicole. Then we could dance and I could put everything behind me.
A tall, lanky teenaged guy grabbed me by one arm and beckoned for me to dance; even though I was wary of what had happened with Kent, I set my water bottle down on the counter and joined him. He didn't bother introducing himself or flirting with me; he just joked around with me for a few minutes while we clumsily executed the steps to the newest line dance. I found myself giggling as I trod on his feet in my unmanageable heels and he just laughed it off, the spray of freckles across his nose pronounced in the harsh kitchen lights.
After one or two songs, he released me and disappeared into the crowd, calling behind him, "You just looked like you needed some cheering up!" I laughed quietly as he slipped out the door and then retreated back to my corner. Picking up my water bottle, I took a grateful sip and wished that someone else would come along who could keep my mind occupied from all the awful things that had happened tonight.
Instead, Morgan appeared in front of me, her eyes narrowed. Her small frame was made taller by the six inch heels she was tottering in.
"You," she seethed, her voice sharp even though she sounded like she wasn't fully aware of her surroundings.
I looked around for someone else in the room that she could possibly be addressing, but her hawk eyes were zoned in entirely on me. Nervously, I smoothed down my dress and then tossed my water bottle in the nearby trash can. I wished Morgan would follow my lead and toss her drink in the trash, too, before she had any more and completely lost it.
"Is there a problem?" I asked, my short-lived good mood rapidly disappearing. Morgan had always been my best friend, the girl who had stuck up for me like a guard dog and who had antagonized anyone who had gotten in my way. I'd never expected for the tables to turn and for her to direct her razor-sharp animosity at me.
"I know who you are," she pronounced, her syllables running together. Despite her shakiness, she was doing a very good job at looking absolutely livid with me, and I found myself taking a step backwards until I was pressed up against the wall. My heart pounded in my chest to match the bass of the song that was currently playing. How would Morgan--how could she--possibly know who I really was?
She took two steps closer to me, swaying dangerously; it looked like any moment she'd fall off of her heels. "I saw you outside on the porch with Noah. Do you really think it's okay for you to act like that?"
For a second, I thought she was defending Nicole; explaining that Noah had a girlfriend and that it was not okay for me to kiss him. But then she spat out, "Did you not see me with him only minutes beforehand?"
I laughed sourly. "The joke's on you, because he has a girlfriend, and she isn't either one of us."
"Actually, the joke's on you." Morgan matched my unamused laugh. "I know his girlfriend. I'm aware that he's in a relationship. And she isn't here at the party like she promised me she would be. She told me she'd be here, and she lied!"
Her thoughts were incoherent, and her topic switch almost threw me off guard. Morgan was still staring me down, as if she was blaming me for Nicole not being at the party. And I guessed it was my fault, though she had no way of knowing that.
"I'm sorry," I stammered as she reached and grabbed another drink from the cooler. "Look, I have no idea who you are and you're sort of starting an unnecessary fight. His girlfriend--Nicole Thorn." Now I was the one rambling, and even though I knew it was probably useless, I wanted to try desperately to piece back together our now fragile friendship. "I know her. She told me she's sorry she can't come to the party. She's grounded because she skipped class."
Morgan's eyebrow raised. "I know she's grounded. She told me she would sneak out. And what kind of friend are you, anyway, kissing Nicole's boyfriend?"
My jaw dropped at the nerve of this girl, who had done the same thing not an hour ago. "Excuse you," I spat, "but I'm pretty sure you did the exact same thing."
"Touché." Morgan's smirk was more friendly than anything now, and her complete attitude shift concerned me. "Let's just let bygones be bygones then, shall we? Precious Nicole Thorn never has to hear of this."
The world seemed to spin in slow motion as I watched my best friend suggest that she lie to me about what she had done. I had to be dreaming--nothing that had happened so far tonight could possibly be real.
"Well?" Morgan screeched, snapping me out of my reverie. Her squeal was so loud that it drew the attention of the football players standing in the corner, including Noah. His trademark smirk appeared on his face again and he dug his hands into his pockets as if he was genuinely interested in seeing how this fight between two girls he'd kissed would develop.
My temple was pounding and a throbbing headache was promising to appear any moment. I wanted out of here: out of this fight and out of this house. A part of me wished I'd never snuck out and come, but then I knew I'd just continue living in innocence. I didn't want that. I wasn't going to make a fool of myself any longer.
"All right," I said smoothly, matching Morgan's gaze. My steady, unblinking eyes matched her watering, glazed ones, and she smiled proudly.
"Oh, but before I forget," she said, her eyes glinting, "I have a present for you. Then I promise I'll forgive you."
I opened my mouth to ask her what was going on, but before I could she'd uncapped the bottle she'd just snatched from the cooler and poured its entire contents on me, right over the top of my head. I gasped as the liquid thoroughly drenched me, stinging my eyes.
The crowd that had been watching us exploded with glee as I spat the drink out of my mouth, shivering in the cold. The liquid came off of my shoulders and out of my hair yellow mixed with its initial revolting brown color. Once I'd cleared my vision, my eyes locked with someone else's. It was Noah, and he was staring at me with such fear that it was as if he was seeing me for the first time.
"Nicole?" he said, and even though I couldn't hear him over the music, I could see my name as he formed the sounds with his lips.