I spend my nights wondering if you're missing me as much as I'm missing you.
- F a r a w a y
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Chapter 14
Camila's POV
"Building for optimum capability, page 231." Professor debate (I don't know his name since most of the professors here in Carolton don't give their names or to even bother introducing themselves in front just like what the teachers do in high school) said as I quickly flip the pages of my book until I found the said page.
"Requirements to defend topicality-Topicality is sometimes mistaken for a prima facie issue. It is not. Topicality is certainly a critical issue, often the single most important issue in the debate, but it is considered independently of the stock issues..." He continued discussing about building the affirmative case but my mind is flying off somewhere. I'm sitting on my chair, looking at him and yet none of his words are registering in my head.
Physically present, mentally absent. How great, Camila! I thought to myself. I took a deep breath and shift my eyes on my notebook and pen instead. I feel like my head is about to explode because of so many twisted thoughts came crashing in.
The thing is, I thought what I felt-my heart hammering inside my chest, the way I admire her lovingly, the way I care about her was just...something odd that somehow will subside. Two days passed ever since and I can still feel it everytime she will lay her green eyes on me. Until those two days became two weeks.
I can't even explain to myself, why? Maybe this is nothing. Maybe it's just a pure attachment. Right! I'm used to see her face everyday of my life, 24/7. And now I feel like this because I'm attached. If ever I make myself busy then-Fuck! I feel like I'm lying to myself. No, I really am lying to myself. There's no I feel like cause I'm sure as hell I am. I'm just afraid to admit it to myself. But now I do. And the fact that I can't even convince my own self with my own words, coming from my own mouth made a really strong point. Like a punctation mark in a sentence.
The bell rings around the hallway so I quickly grab my stuff and exit the room and proceed to Dinah's to wait for her. Our next class is PE and I heard we're going to try some track and field and run for about an hour at the oval field today. Unfortunately for me, Lauren and I shared that class. Somehow, I'm still thankful that Dinah's with me and I don't have to stick my ass around her since hanging out with Lauren will just make my situation even more complicated, so does my so called "possible feelings" for the green eyed girl.
I sat at the bench right beside Dinah's room. Their subject, 21st century, already ended and yet Professor Lysa is still discussing inside so I guess she extended once again like the usual.
So, I take my time and slip my hand inside my pocket to get my phone. Let's settle this confusion once and for all. For me to have a peace of mind and to stop my brain from thinking, I go to google and search: What are the signs that you're In love?
A lot of link came up but I clicked the one that says: 7 signs that you're In love. Okay, let's see how this goes...
Sign #1: You always check your phone every 10 seconds.
Well, I never done that and probably I won't do that thing just because I'm waiting for text or something. That annoying airhead.
Sign #2: Everything reminds you of her
As far as I can remember, nothing reminds me of her. Not even a single thing.
Sign #3: You find yourself talking about her.
Again, I don't find myself talking about her or any related topic about Lauren. Shawn, possible. But her? No way.
Sign #4: You'll happily jump through hoops without even thinking about it to spend time with her.
I won't sacrifice any of my important errands just to spend some time with her. As much as possible, I want to stay away from her so I can breathe some fresh air since being with her suffocates me because of her arrogance.
Sign #5: It never feels like your wasting time with her.
I'd rather hang out with my friends than wasting my time with her. Besides, I already have my Shawn. Plus, I know Lauren don't need me anyway, so..
Sign #6: You're endlessly curious about her.
And why would I be in the first place?
I shook my head and scroll down to read the last and the 7th sign of this ridiculous signs thingy- "Walz!"
My body flinched, causing my phone to slipped through my hand and fly. Luckily, it landed straight to my lap. "Hi!" I breathed out while looking at Dinah who's currently looking at me with a furrowed eyebrows, "How's the classroom?" I blurted out.
"The...classroom was fine." Dinah answered while eyeing at me, confused at my so called guilty behavior. "Are you okay? You looked pale."
I grab my phone and quickly press the home button so many times to make sure that the sign thingy doesn't appear on my screen anymore before I answer, "I'm good, thank you for asking." I stand up from my seat, putting my bag against my shoulder, "Let's go?"
Dinah nodded as we walk towards our locker room to change our clothes.
"You know if you have a problem you can talk to me about it, right?" Dinah suddenly speak after a long minute of silence that surround us.
I glance at her and she's looking straight in front, "Yeah, I will." I mumbled.
Dinah and I had our lockers separate since mine is in A-12 while Dinah's in C-15. I told her that I will meet her at her locker room after I change my clothes and the Polynesian girl just nodd her head in response.
I stand in front of my locker, unlocking it using my 5 digit passcode-07248. Inside my locker are few books. One book for my Law on Obligations and Contract and then the rest is a books I usually read when I have nothing to do with my life. And then at my locker door is where my family picture glued including Dinah, Ally, Normani, and I's first hang out at the Pizza Parlor near Mani's dorm, Shawn and I's picture from 2 years ago and then the recent one where we're hugging each other and then...there's Lauren and I at the wedding photooshot.
....
"You look so beautiful, duckling. For the first time, you looked human."
"What?!"
"Ouch! Is that your way of saying thank you a person who's complimenting you? How rude was that?"
"You're more rude! Do you think you look good in that suit? You look stupid!"
"Oh really?! I saw how your eyes sparks when you saw me. And I bet you're thinking 'Lauren looks so good, oh my god! I'm so damn lucky to be her wife' I mean, why can't you just admit it?! Admit that you're into me!"
"Shut up! It's not a spark that you saw! It's a blazing fire since seeing your annoying face really ruins my mood completely!"
"Well, what can I say? The feelings is mutual, ugly!"
"Stupid!"
"Idiot!"
"Moron!"
"Dumbass!"
"Jerk!"
"Stupid virgin!"
"Stupid fuckgirl!"
....
I shook my head, I should stop smiling while remembering that. I quickly stripped down naked which is okay though since the locker room of boys and girls are separate to avoid incidents. I wear my Carolton t-shirt and my grey track pants and then my rubber shoes.
I hang my uniform inside my locker since it was big enough like a slim closet. With my tumbler in my hand, I marched towards Dinah's locker room when a familiar voice coming from the B-9 caught my attention.
"Let's talk."
"Is this about Camila again?"
That's Lauren's voice...and Mani's. I quickly hide at the corner as I take a peek. I can't see Normani's expression since I'm facing her back. Whereas Lauren, I can see her tense up expression even though her signature smirk is currently plastered on her lips. Lauren gaze to Normani pretty intensely and I can literally feel the tension between them.
"About everything." Normani.
"I don't have time." Lauren shrugged, taking her bag so I quickly withdraw my nosy self away before they could see me.
"What does Camila really mean to you?" I gulped hard at Normani's question. My heart started to beat erratically inside my chest when a moment of silence surround them for a minute.
I don't know what's happening inside. As much as I want to see and take a peek, I can't risk of getting caught lurking and listening to their conversation so I instead remain in my hidden place and listen to their conversation instead.
"You know I've been on your side since the very beginning. Even though a lot of people are against you and Keana, I sticked by your side. But this time Lauren, I won't!" Normani.
"Why are you so scared Normani? I won't eat her neither kill her. It's not my thing." Lauren.
"You're a fucking monster, Lauren!" Normani.
"Aren't we all?" Lauren.
"I know what you're up to. Just make sure that you're not playing Camila's heart for the sake of satisfying that monster living inside you! Because if you do, you're just adding the fire to what I'm feeling towards you right now!" Normani.
I heard a series of footsteps approaching my way but then it stops as Normani's voice echoed once again.
"Just so you know, Shawn is a lot more better than you and how I wish Keana saw that. Cause maybe, MAYBE, she's still alive. Breathing!" Normani.
Before Normani could even see me, I hurriedly run away and headed straight towards Dinah's locker room.
Shawn and Keana...they were a thing? My curiosity strikes once again. I thought I already understand where Normani's coming from. Like, I thought I already chipped off the ice to dust. But after hearing that conversation, turns out, it's a huge iceberg that contains so many secrets that entangled both Lauren, Shawn, and Normani together.
"Walz! What took you so long? We're already 5 minutes late." Dinah meet me halfway in the locker room hallway.
"Dinah, what's with Shawn and-" I didn't finish what I'm saying when Lauren's voice suddenly echoed around.
"Dinah! Camz!"
"Camz?" Dinah smirk while looking at me but I shrugged it and turn around to face Lauren who's already standing in front of us with a smile plastered on her lips.
"Hey Lauser, the three of us had the same class, right?" Dinah.
"Yes, we do. Let's go? We're already late."
Dinah nodded as we started to walk. Lauren's walking on my left side while Dinah's on my right. I scoot more closer to Dinah to maintain a good distance away from Lauren when the green eyed girl suddenly reach my hand and intertwined our fingers together. I quickly pulled away and I can see in the corner of my eyes that Lauren is leaning closer to me.
"I miss you. You look so beautiful today, Camz." I gulped hard as I try to maintain my gaze in front of me. Even so, I can clearly see through the corner of my eye that she's giving me her warm smile, making my heart hammered inside my chest.
This stupid heart! Stop beating like that, you idiot! I thought to myself in hopes that it will stop from beating like shit. But guess what? It beats even more louder. It's as if my own heart is pissing me off.
"T-thanks." I replied, still not bothering to look at her.
"I'll hold that for you, Camz." Lauren tried to snatch the tumbler from my hand but failed to do so when I quickly shift my hand away.
"I can hold it, thanks." I replied coldly. Instead of focusing my attention to her, I shift it to Dinah.
"Hey Chee, what are we going to do today?"
"Some running, I guess." The Polynesian girl answered, "I'm so excited for it actually. I can't wait to get sweat."
We reach the field and the three of us are already 10 minutes late.
"Hansen, Cabello, Jauregui, you all are late!" Coach Wellington yelled across the oval as he started to walk towards our direction.
"Oh no." Dinah mumbled but enough for me to hear it.
"Do 100 push ups, now!" He hissed before he turn his back on us and supervise the other students who's currently running at the oval with a length of 84.39m.
"I hate push ups!" The Polynesian girl groaned while putting down her tumbler and started to do the push ups.
"Camz, can you?" Lauren asked and I know she's just worried about me. But her being concern to me doesn't help my situation at all.
"I can and stop being too concern about me." I said firmly.
I put down my tumbler and started to position myself. Hands leveled on my shoulders and my legs straight up. I breathed in and out for a moment. Here we go, I thought to myself as I do my first push up, second one, and then my arms are already shaking and I can't get up anymore. I'm laying on the ground, trying to catch my breath.
I thought it's easy because Dinah's continuously doing her push up. In fact, she's already on her 88th while Lauren's already on her 26th
"Cabello!" I lift up my gaze to meet the fierce brown eyes of Coach Wellington, "I will-"
"-Coach," Lauren suddenly butt in, "I'll cover her up. I'll do 200."
"Okay." He quickly agreed before he lent his attention away from us. I glance at Lauren who's giving me a smile.
"I got you, grumpy head." Lauren smiled but I completely ignore her. Soon, Dinah finish her push ups and same goes to Lauren, to my surprise. I mean, she's a jock so doing a 200 push ups is such a piece of cake for her.
"Listen up!" Coach Wellington blow his whistle to get everyone's attention as we all gathered at the middle of the oval, "We'll be having a by pair activity today. I need you to choose your partner first before I start explaining."
"Camz, come here." Lauren pulled me by my waist so I quickly push her arm away from me.
"I'll go with Dinah." I glance at the Polynesian girl who's busy talking with other students. So before Dinah could pick her partner, I grab her arm and pull her closer to me.
"Are we okay?" Lauren asked while looking at me but I don't bother myself to look at her.
"Why aren't we?" I asked naturally as if there's nothing wrong and everything seems to be normal just like before.
Lauren shrugged her shoulders, "You seems so distant to me. Did I do something wrong?"
I shrugged my shoulders too, "Talk to you later." I said, dismissing the topic as I drag Dinah away from confused Lauren.
"Attitude." I heard Dinah mumbled with a chuckle that made my eyebrows furrowed, "Do you have today?" Dinah added referring to me having a menstruation.
"I don't." I replied while doing our warm up.
"Then what was that?"
"Having conversation? Talking?"
"That's obviously a lover's quarrel, Walz."
"We're not even a couple!"
"2 MINUTES OF WARM UP!" Coach Wellington yelled out.
"Right, that's what I said. Let's go." Dinah said before we started to run at the oval while passing over the Baton to one another. We've been doing that for almost 30 minutes. And so far, I can say that all of my sole focus and my brain are here in this activity that we're currently doing until my brown orbs spotted something.
Lauren's flirting with another girl.
I don't know what's that burning sensation I felt when I saw them holding each other's hand while giggling-
It's called jealousy, Camila. Jealousy. My brain suddenly whispered which I immediately countered.
There's no fucking way that I'm jealous! There's no way I am!
Keep lying to yourself, Camila.
I'm not lying to myself!
You're in denial. My brain whispered and at the same time, I also heard Lauren's voice in my head saying those 3 words to me. What the hell is happening to me?! Does her charm finally takes a toll on me that's why I'm like this? Or maybe-
I snap out from my thoughts when someone collided against my back with too much force, causing me to stumble and roll a couple of times at the oval.
"Ouch!" I groaned in pain while holding my head.
"You're such an idiot." Her annoying raspy voice echoed closer to me. And that's when I realize that the reason why I stopped from rolling around is because I collided against Lauren's legs.
"Walz, are you okay? Jesus christ, this kid!" I heard a series of footsteps approaching my way which I assumed is Dinah.
I stand up and face Lauren who's currently laughing along with her new found girl which is...beautiful. Okay, I feel intimidated by her now because of how gorgeous she is. But still!
"Stop," I took my towel and throw it to Lauren's face, "laughing! You're more of an idiot!" I hissed, rolling my eyes on her.
"Walz," I felt Dinah's hands against my arm. I look over my shoulder and give her a smile to assure Dinah that I'm okay.
"Hi! I'm Shay Howell." She extended her hand to me, "Lauren's girlfriend."
I shift my eyes on Lauren and she's looking at me with a smug smirk as if she's so proud to have two women drooling over-I mean, ONE woman drooling over her bastard ass!
"That's what you get for leaving me. Look, I found a better one. More beautiful than you."
I raised my right eyebrow on her, "I don't care!" I hissed before I drag Dinah away. The whole time, Lauren is flirting with her and I don't know why the hell I'm so affected by it. What's more frustrating is that she will kiss her cheek but her eyes are darted straight to me. Like what the fuck? What are you trying to tell me? That I should be jealous? Come on!
As soon as Coach Wellington dismissed his most tiring and frustrating class ever, I quickly grab my stuff and storm off, not bothering to wait for Dinah. The signs, my words, none of it can prove to me that I'm still straight and what I felt is completely nothing. I look for Shawn everywhere and as soon as I found him, I drag him to the restroom, locked it, push him against the corner and crash my lips against his.
I think the frustration I've been feeling really did get the best of me that's why I can do this kind of things even though I haven't been dating or touching a boy before. We both kiss each other with so much want and need. Our tongue fought for dominance but I didn't let him win.
This time, it's my rules!
While kissing, my hands trail down to his polo and quickly unbutton it. I can feel that Shawn is smirking. I took off his polo and throw it to somewhere who knows. I lick his earlobe down to his neck then to his body.
Shawn on the other hand take off my shirt as well as my track pants, leaving me in my bra and my underwear. When I felt that he's taking off his pants as well, I immediately speak, "Don't. Or I'll leave." I hop in and sit comfortably while looking in his eyes that was filled with lust.
I flashed a naughty kind of smirk while taking off my bra and my underwear with my eyes never left on him. I also took off my eyeglasses while Shawn's giving me that kind of smirk before he leaned in and kiss my lips. His cold hand trail down to my center and slid his fingers to meet my wet folds. He playfully massage my clit, making me moan as my breathing becomes heavy, "Oh my fucking god!"
Sweat are both rolling down from our forehead as Shawn's kisses trail down to my breast, mouthing it using his mouth. His tongue suited my hardened nipples while his fingers sliding inside of me, making me lost my sanity.
Shawn leaned down and suck my sensitive part, causing me to moan loudly. I bit my lower lips while watching how Shawn pleasure me.
He straighten the muscle of his tongue and started to swirl it inside of me, causing my eyes to roll at the back of my head.
"Oh god," I grip tightly on his hair, pulling it harshly everytime he will move inside of me in a faster pace.
"Fuuuck," I grind against his face to seek more contact. Shawn pulled away and inserted three fingers inside of me. He thrust more faster as a series of moan escaped on my lips. He kiss my neck, sucking my pulse point hard and then soothed it with his warm tongue, leaving a mark. My nails are dig more deeper on his back because of the pleasure I currently feel.
"I-I'm gonna cum."
Shawn rest his forehead against my shoulder. Sweat are rolling down from his forehead down to his neck as he thrust his fingers, hitting that spot that made me slipped out so many profanity words.
As I reach my climax, I let out a loud final moan as I felt the juice coming out from my center down to my legs. My body stumble and my legs are feeling weak so I rest my back against the mirror behind me while trying to catch my breath.
Shawn go down to lick my sweet juices before he cupped my cheeks and pull me in for a kiss so I can taste myself.
The supposedly quick kiss turns out to be a heated one. When the air becomes an issue, I pulled away and rest my forehead against his with a smile plastered on my lips, "I love you, Shawn."
"I love you too." He chuckled, "I love how dominant you are. It actually turns me on."
I chuckled, "Really?"
Shawn nodded, pinching my chin gently. "You owe me!"
I chuckled while caressing his cheeks lovingly, "I'll pleasure you back next time. Love you." I giggled before I pulled him closer so I can kiss his lips once again.
"I'll take your words, Cabello."
"You can count on that, Mendes. Take me home tonight?"
"Sure. I love you, baby."
"I love you too."
The frustration that I've felt somehow subside. But as for the rest of the things in my head, I don't know.
***
Past 10:00 pm and instead of sleeping, here I am staring straight in the ceiling with so many thoughts, so many what if's and so many maybe's in my head. Despite of everything that happened between me and Shawn this afternoon, that touching and licking that almost led me to giving him my V card, I'm still puzzled. Like, fine! I admit it, I'm confused. I mean, who wouldn't be, right? I grew up and all my life I knew I was straight as hell. And then suddenly, I woke up feeling this strange feeling inside. In just a snap of a fingers, I suddenly don't know who I really am, what I like, is Shawn the only guy in my heart? Like, I'm drowning with so many questions in my head and yet, I don't have any single answer to any of them.
"Camz?"
"Hmm?" I hummed without taking my eyes off of the ceiling.
"Can't sleep?"
"Yeah."
"Me too." And even though it's dark in our room, I can feel Lauren's eyes on me so I know she's looking at me.
"I figured out that maybe the reason why you're a bit too distant and cold to me is because of what happened two weeks ago. About Camila Althea and your guitar. I'm sorry. I mean, for everything. For all the trouble I've caused you."
"It's fine."
"Let me make it up to you at least?"
I gulped hard and didn't bother myself to reply. Please don't.
"What's your favorite song?" Lauren asked once again.
"Yellow by Coldplay." I finally get myself to speak. Still, my eyes are fixed in the ceiling as the green eyed girl cleared her throat before she started to sing that sent a shiver to my whole body.
Her voice is so beautiful. So angelic.
"Look at the stars
Look how they shine for you
And everything you do
Yeah they were all yellow
I came along
I wrote a song for you
And all the things you do
And it was called "Yellow"
So then I took my turn
Oh what a thing to have done
And it was all yellow
Your skin
Oh yeah, your skin and bones
Turn into something beautiful
You know, you know I love you so
You know I love you so..."
I shift my eyes on Lauren who's eyes are currently darted straight to mine with my heart beating louder inside my chest once again.
Could it be...?
Did I already break golden rule of this deal?
Or...
I'm about to?