Chapter Fifty One
we both fell silent after what he said.
so thats it. thats the reason why he left me. All questions on my mind were answered now.
he said he left me to keep me safe. to keep me safe. yeah.
"Please say something." he whispered.
"what do you want me to say?" mahinang sabi ko. unti unting napupuno ng sakit yung puso ko.
"Anything. just dont stand there and looked at me like i'm not here." mahinang sabi nya
"bakit di mo sinabi sakin?" nanginginig na boses na tanong ko. napatingin sya sakin. i can feel my eyes starting to become watery. "what did i ever do to you, Steven?"
"I'm sorry, Baby. i dont have a choice." he whispered
"of course. you wont say anything but sorry." matabang na sabi ko saka tinignan sya. nararamdaman kong unti unting nanlalabo yung mata ko dahil sa luha. "you have choice, Steven! you can tell me but you chose not to!"
tumingin sya sakin saka tumayo. "Coz that will put your life in danger even more."
"but i deserve to know the truth, Steven. you owe me that! you owe me that fvcking truth that you hid from me for five long years!" i shouted.
"Thats why i'm asking you to trust me because i cant tell you!" he shouted back.
"Trust? you want me to trust you?! after everything we've been through before you never trusted me with the truth! i gave you my heart, Steven. hindi ba sapat yun para pagkatiwalaan mo ko?" i wiped my face and looked at me.
"and You could at least have the balls to tell me whats going on then! coz i deserve that! i deserve that more than my brother, more than Adam! i deserve that more than anyone else! i deserve the truth! and you denied me from it!"
"Alexis, Please." he begged.
"Fvck you! Fvck you and everyone else!" i shouted. coz i'm mad to the point of getting crazy. "Sa loob ng limang taon walang kahit isang segundo ang lumipas na di ko tinatanong sa sarili ko kung san ako nagkamali! walang araw sa buhay ko na di ko sinisi ang sarili ko dahil iniwan mo ko kasi boring ako. halos mamatay ako nung sinasabi sakin ni Adam na di na tayo ikakasal kasi wala ka na! alam mo bang lahat yan?! syempre hindi! alam mo bang impyerno yung buhay ko nung nawala ka. alam mo ba yun?!" tulo lang ng tulo yung luha ko habang nagsasalita ako. at kahit anong gawin kong pigil di sya tumitigil.
"sa buong limang taon alam mo ba kung ilang beses kong sinampal sampal yung sarili ko kasi umaasa ako na baka panaginip lang yun. na magigising ako tapos andyan ka ulit. mahal mo ko. pero hindi! pinaniwala nyo akong lahat na hindi mo ko mahal! hanggang sa tanggapin ko nalang na baka nga laro lang lahat ng to sayo!" he stayed still and looked at me with tears streaming down his cheeks.
its painful to see him this way but that is nothing compared to this burden that i've been carrying for the last five years of my life.
"Nagbago ako, Steven. i changed myself. i'm no longer the boring girl you used to know! and i did that coz i wanna show you what you had when you let me go! lahat lahat sa sarili ko binago ko! the way i dress, the way i talk, everything! i become a different person because of you. you made me a different person." i moaned softly and cried. "now you're asking me to trust you? kilala ba kita? what did i ever do to you, Steven?! bakit hindi mo nagawang sabihin sakin yung totoo?!"
"Dahil kilala kita! would you have left if you knew what i'm facing that time?! maiintindihan mo ba ko?!" he shouted.
"OO! maiintindihan kita kasi mahal kita!"
"Maiintidihan mo?! panu mo maiintindihan na hindi na kita pwedeng pakasalan kasi mamamatay na ko! panu ko sasabihin yun sayo?! panu ko sasabihin sayo na hindi kailangan kitang paalisin kasi kahit anong oras pwede na kong mawala sa buhay mo!?! kilala kita Alexis. you will stay with me all the way and i cant let that happen!" he shouted.
bakit kahit anong sabihin ni Steven para sakin ang babaw lahat? bat hindi matanggap ng sistema ko na.yung lalaking pinagkatiwalaan ko ng buong puso ko hindi man lang ako pinagkatiwalaan kahit minsan.
"You underestimated my love, Steven." i whispered. i tried my best to stop myself from crying. lahat ng nalaman ko. lahat yun unti unting binabagsak yung puso ko sa ilang piraso.
"No, i didnt. i know how great your love was. its greater that you're willing to risk your life for me! and i have no choice but to make you believe that i dont have anything to do with you. i know how your love works, Alexis. and if i have to do the same thing over and over again just to keep you safe i would!" mariin sabi nya.
"yes, and congratulations Steven! you kept me safe." mahinang sabi ko saka tumingin sa kanya. "but you killed me every single day over and over again for the last five years. Congratulations. you did it. you kept me safe." i whispered, i wiped the tears on my face. i grabbed my keys and went out.
***
"Alexis!" he shouted and followed me. tumakbo ako sa elevator saka sinara agad yun. pagdating ko sa baba sumakay ako ng taksi kes mag drive. madali nila akong mahahanap pag nagkotse ako.
bakit ganun? why is it that no matter how many times i tell myself that its okay. he has valid reasons. still my heart cant accept the fact that they've been playing with my heart for the last five years.
him, Adam, kuya and everyone.
damn them all to hell!
"Manong sa En Suite po tayo."
"sige po Ma'am." sagot nung driver.
nagring yung phone ko at rumehistro yung pangalan ni Adam. sinagot ko agad yun.
"HOW COULD YOU?!" mariing sabi ko sa kanya na puno ng panunumbat.
"baby, i'm sorry." he whispered.
"Sorry?! sorry for breaking my heart? ganun ba? damn you Adam! i trusted you!" naiiyak ako sa sobrang galit sa kanya.
"Its for the best."
"Best?! asan ang best dito?! anung karapatan nyong pangunahan ang desisyon ko?! anung karapatan nyong gumawa ng desisyon para sakin?!"
"I'm sorry, Baby. umuwi ka na."
"No! hindi na ko magpapamanipula sa inyo!" sabi ko saka pinatay yung phone ko.
***
"you knew kuya?" napatingin kami ni Adam sa kapapasok lang na si Charlie. napatingin sa kanya si Adam saka dahan dahang tumango. kakababa palang namin ng tawag kay Alexis. narinig siguro ni Charlie.
nagmartsa sya papalapit kay Adam saka sinampal ito ng ubod ng lakas. "How could you?!"
"Charlie. wala kaming choice. i want her to be safe!" mariin sabi ni Adam.
"You always say that. wala kang choice kuya?! you always have a choice. you manipulative son of a bitch!" galit na galit na sabi ni Charlie.
"Thats enough Charlene Irish!" galit na sabi ni Adam.
"Fvck you Kuya! akala ko ako lang eh! pati si Alexis pala! anung karapatan nyong manghimasok sa desisyon nya?! anung karapatan mo?! alam mo ba kung ilang beses kong nakita si Alexis na iniiyakan yung nangyari nung nasa Italy ako?! halos gabi gabi! and you've been causing it all along! sobra kana!"
sinampal ni Adam si Charlie. i gasped. Adam never laid a finger on Charlie or Alexis. ngayon lang.
mukhang natauhan din si Adam kasi sinubukan nyang hawakan si Charlie kaso iniwas ng huli yung kamay nya kay Adam.
"Baby i'm sorry." he whispered.
"You disgust me." malamig na sabi nya saka tinalikuran si Adam.
"Charlie!" sigaw ni Adam kaso tuloy tuloy na lumabas.
"damn!" he hissed softly and sat weakly on the couch.
***
pagbaba ko ng En Suite dumiretso agad ako sa bar nila at umorder ng tequila.
anything just to get them off my mind.
betrayals, they're hard to forgive especially when it comes from the people you trusted.
so i'm right.
no matter how kind or how much you love a person. that doesnt stop them from hurting you.
Gaahd, how can i be this stupid?!
bakit ba hindi ko kahit minsan naisip na hindi nagalit si Adam kay Steven. bat hindi ko naisip na alam ni kuya all along yung nangyayari?! how can i be so blind!
i should have noticed that the moment kuya ask me to go back! damn!
but i didn't! i never had a damn clue as to why Kuya looked at me everytime we're having our one on one drinking session. he always look sad and he always gives me a warm hug. especially when he's asking me what happened back then.
kaya pala. kaya pala ganun nalang sya tumingin sakin. kasi alam nya. hindi ko na pala talaga kailangang sabihin kasi alam nya. mas nauna nya pang alam kesa sakin.
"Ang tanga tanga ko." i whispered softly and buried my face on my arms. pinagmukha nila akong tanga! ako? na simula pagkabata laging first sa class.
and i lost count of the shots of tequila that i drank. nung tumayo ako. gumegewang na yung paningin ko.
lumabas ako ng En Suite para pumara ng taxi papuntang FT nung may pumulupot na braso sa bewang ko saka tinakpan yung bibig ko ng panyo na may mabahong amoy bago ako nawalan ng malay.