I woke up hearing my own screams again and I pushed myself upright, forcing my eyes open as I grasped blindly at air. Feeling my heart racing and thumping so loudly, I let out a groan as the nightmares haunted my mind again and pressed a hand above my eyes to will myself to stop shaking with fear.
Breathing heavily like as if I ran a mile, I rest my elbows on my lap as I stared blindly at the floor in between my bare feet. Go away, go away. Leave me alone.
‘You had that nightmare again.’
I didn’t need to look up to know that Seth was hovering by the doorframe and most probably looking down at me with a concerned look on his face. ‘It’s getting worse,’ I told him softly as I ran a hand through my hair and got to my feet. I didn’t dare meet Seth’s gaze so I stared blindly on the floor.
I need to get myself back in control. Every time I suffered through a nightmare, I find myself still half-living in the past and it’s hard for me to pull myself away from there. I can still feel the fear that pulsated throughout my whole body and I couldn’t shake that paranoia away.
I still can’t.
‘I’m worried about you Ally. You’re not getting enough sleep and even if you do, you get nightmares. I feel at lost on what to do to help you recover,’ he told me. ‘Henry tells me to let you be but I can’t be a patient man all the time.’
I let out a sigh. ‘I’m sorry I made you worry Seth,’ I said to him quietly and raised my head to meet his gaze head-on. ‘But I can’t promise you that I’ll be better. I’ve been the walking wounded for years now; it’s something I have to live with.’
‘Just know that you’re not alone, you’re basically my younger sister now even though we’re not related by blood,’ he said gravely. ‘If you think the whole world is against you, I’d be there for you. One phone call or a shout and I’ll be there giving you a hug. I don’t care if it’s three am or whatever, I’ll drop everything and come running.’
I looked at him levelly and felt a smile spreading across my lips at his words. ‘I love you too big brother,’ I told him and had to turn away swiftly because I felt my heart squeeze at his tenderness. I could feel my whole chest constrict and my eyes were threatening to spill over with tears.
‘I’ll meet you downstairs.’
After he left, I took several deep breaths to calm myself down and made my way towards my decent-sized closet to dig out clothes to wear for today. I grabbed a black blouse at random with a pair of grey tight ripped jeans before padding my way slowly towards the bathroom across the hall.
I stayed under the warm shower for a long time, contemplating on Seth’s words.
About twenty minutes later, I was standing in front of the full-length mirror and looking at my attire for the day. I had rolled the sleeves up of the black blouse to the elbows so that it showed off my long strong arms. Taking my Mum’s necklace, I slid in on and wore a sleeveless denim jacket to complete the whole look.
Grabbing my bag from the floor, I took a final look of myself and deemed myself presentable despite looking so haggard. My eyes had dark circles underneath and my pupils were dull with sadness, grief and so many other similar emotions that I couldn’t bear to see myself like that.
I just can’t look at myself.
...
‘What are you doing?’
I made an irritated sound at the back of my throat and started waving the person away that was leaning down towards me as I was already bent forwards on the kitchen table with my books scattered around me. ‘What do you think I’m doing Mitchie? Writing a goddamn play?’ I asked him sarcastically.
Hearing him chuckle, I felt his lips on my temple before hearing him move away from me to start banging away at the kitchen. Growling at him to shut the hell up, I glared at the page long solution I had scribbled down on the paper and did a shout of happiness when I finally got the exact answer.
Mother of the holiness, that problem sum took me almost an hour and two pages worth of blank paper to solve it. I’m going to strangle the mathematician who even dared to invent this algebra or just kick him hard in the groin would do the trick.
I had been doing daily four-hour revision for the final examinations that are arriving in less than four days. I’m going crazy thanks to the lack of sleep but I didn’t care really. I needed to be prepared for the finals and failing the important exams isn’t going to help me at all. I needed to graduate freaking high school.
Pushing the advanced maths textbook and draft papers from me, I pulled the pure geography notes towards me with a fresh pad of blank paper. From there, I spent the next three hours memorizing chapter after chapter of the stuff that I needed to know. With Mitchie seated in front of me, I made him go through everything with me.
He made a face when I rattled off every fact I had read through and I made him quiz me again and again just so that I felt that I was prepared for the final examinations. I have been doing this torturous thing called studying for a straight five weeks now, not getting enough sleep just for this.
After I had absorbed about five chapters in one go, I let out a pained sound at the back of my throat which sounded odd as I stretched my aching and tired body. Mitch just raised an eyebrow at me as he watches me study diligently. ‘I need my freaking sleep!’ I declared tiredly and yawned.
‘You should stop studying right now babe, how long have you been doing this anyway?’ he asked me.
‘Since four in the morning when I can’t sleep,’ I answered him hazily and dropped my head onto the table promptly, closing my eyes as I did so. Taking a deep breath, I let myself calm down. ‘Wake me up later Mitchie…’ And then I felt myself sinking into darkness, floating away into bliss.
The dull vibration of my phone caused me to jerk slightly awake, hearing the familiar song playing out noisily from the bedside table and I let out a groan as I told that thing to shut the hell up before turning to my side to bury my face into the warm pillow. The song stopped playing and it started again, the guitar chords blaring loudly.
‘Fuck,’ I cursed softly and reached blindly behind me to grab the damning phone. Without even opening my eyes, I pressed the phone onto my ears tightly as I accepted the call and let out another frustrated groan. ‘What the fuck you want?’
‘Ally! Where the fuck are you? I’ve been calling you for hours! We are doing a set today in a café and we need you here now!’ Seth’s raspy voice yelled through the speakers and into my ears shrilly. ‘Get your ass from bed and come here now!’ He rattled off the address to me before hanging up.
‘Son of a bitch,’ I growled and dropped the phone onto the bed as I stretched like a cat, arching my aching back. Without even pausing, I grabbed a new set of clothes before swiftly running towards the bathroom to freshen up. The boys are always telling me of events last minute and expecting me to come running.
It’s even difficult when I don’t even own a freaking car.
I really hate them sometimes.
Stuffing my legs down a pair of ripped jeans and tugging a pair of baggy dark purple sweater over, I ran a hand through my black hair messily before running out of the room to grab my shoulder bag. Making sure that my wallet, keys and phone were in it, I grabbed a thick denim jacket before running my way down the stairs.
Calling out a hasty goodbye to Henry, I dashed out to the front porch to force my feet into a pair of designed TOMs and ran out of the apartment to get to the main street. To other people, I might look like I was some crazy ass chick sprinting my way down the street but I didn’t care.
The boys would have my hide if I was late.
Ten minutes later, I was seated comfortably in a taxi and well on my way to the café that we were apparently going to play in. I don’t know why they never told me yesterday and I was a little bit pissed at that but I didn’t care. I had enough sleep for today; I think that’s why I wasn’t in a bad mood at all.
I think after my sudden nap, Mitch had carried me upstairs and laid me on the bed before he left. I checked my phone again and saw a text from him. Another new picture was posted as my wallpaper, where both Mitch and I were showing off our new letterman jackets with our name and rank on it.
The both of us were making smug faces and broad smiles were etched. Both of us looked awfully tired and I could see the sadness and pain that was buried in both our eyes. Despite the smiles that we had on our lips, the eyes doesn’t lie what is in our souls. Even if you want to.
That idiot had messed with my phone while I was asleep.
Grinning to myself, I opened the new message that I had received and my smile got even bigger when I saw it was an image sent by my bestfriend. Shaking my head and laughing silently, I saw that he had taken a photo of me passed out on the kitchen table and he was there in front of me making a face at the camera.
A text was written beneath the image. I hoped you slept well Babe, go have fun and rock out!
I don’t know how he knew I was having a performance but that made my mood soar ten times higher. Trusting my bestfriend to make me feel better, he knew the right words to make every sour mood leave my mind and to be replaced by a huge smirk. It’s like as if he knew that I needed that.
How can I live without him?
About fifteen minutes later, I threw money to the driver and burst out of the cab without even waiting or taking back the change. I think I had given the dude a huge tip but I didn’t actually care because I had a feeling that I was late. I jogged my way to the back door of the café that I was at and got shuffled in by a harassed-looking security.
As soon as I stepped into the backstage, the four boys swooped in front of me and making an impressive four-man tactical team at the way their expressions looked and also the way they were holding themselves at the moment. Scary and weird at the same time.
‘What the hell have you been doing woman!’ Darren exclaimed at me first.
‘I was asleep!’
‘Before that obviously Ally, we tried calling you on your phone for the past couple of hours! Henry had been telling us that you were dead to the world and he can’t wake you up or it’s just that he couldn’t bear to wake you up,’ Connor told me next with a slight frown framing his face.
I made a face at him. ‘I was studying for the finals,’ I told him with a serious face. ‘I didn’t get much sleep the previous night so I used the time to study until I passed out around eleven in the morning.’
All the four boys stared at me like I was crazy.
‘How long did you study?!’
‘About eight hours straight,’ I answered Seth without blinking and started looking around the place that I was in. Making a sound of awe, I pushed past the rest of the boys to take a three-sixty look of the area I was in. ‘This place is awesome! Where do I put my bag?’
The walls were painted a very dull red and had a very long corridor where it branches off to different sections of the place. I could see many rooms in there and a lot of people were moving back and forth, trying to settle everything that was about to happen on the stage. I could see people carrying equipment and going through set lists.
This place is brewing with activity.
After the boys had shown me the dressing room where I could place my bag, I took off the denim jacket I had worn because of the cold and took a look at the room I was in. Soon, the other boys left the room saying that they wanted to go check on the other stuff while Rip stayed behind with me.
Slinging the thick jacket on the chair, I pushed the sleeves up of the baggy sweater I had on and ran a hand through my hair as I took more notice of the room I was in. it was kind of small but rather homey, with threadbare carpets and a very dull matt grey colour that was painted on the walls.
It was a rather common dressing room.
‘How are you holding up?’
I looked at him and frowned slightly at his question. I noted that he was wearing a pair of ripped grey jeans held up by a plain black belt with a white shirt, folding the sleeves up to his elbows and promptly showing off his tattoo and his defined arms. He was one sexy man. Especially the way his hair falls evenly on his eyes. ‘What do you mean?’
‘I mean the pressure of school and the album,’ he said with a smirk on his face before it fell, making him look at me seriously. His brows furrowed in concern as he took in my almost dishevelled state. ‘You look pretty awful right now; you look like you’re going to pass out anytime soon.’
‘I’m holding up fine Rip,’ I told him with a slight smile framing my face. ‘I just need coffee and I’m good to go. It’s because of the studying and staying up late to just cram everything into my head despite Mitchie telling me that I’m a freaking genius which I doubt I am. I mean I’m used to not having enough sleep.’
‘You and me both. Oh and I’m told that I’m going to join you guys in the tour, just for the heck of it,’ he told me with a nonchalant shrug. ‘So you have another annoying person to put up with in the tour bus.’
I rolled my eyes. ‘Glad to know,’ I answered him dryly and dragged a hand through my hair absentmindedly. ‘What songs are we playing tonight?’
‘We’re not going to play the songs that we had in our album because we haven’t release it yet but we are playing the first song we made since it’s already playing through YouTube and the radio,’ Rip told me as the both of us left the dressing room together. ‘It mostly be covers after that.’
Weaving our way through the busy crowd, I watched them prepare the stage quickly. The sound and lighting crew were fixing their stuff on the stage almost feverishly while the stage crew were busy directing more of other band members towards their own dressing rooms.
It’s going to be a long night.
‘Hey Rip, nice to meet you man!’ a man with a British accent exclaimed suddenly and a huge grin plastered on his face as he appeared in front of us magically.
The both of us were talking and joking about the people who were passing us at the moment. That sudden exclamation caused the both of us to whip our heads to the right at the same time. I was more of shock while Rip just gave his friend a devilish smirk before giving him a hug.
‘Man, long time no see.’
‘Yeah,’ the man said happily and he turned towards me, resting his bright intelligent green eyes on me. I felt myself drawn to those twinkling orbs. ‘And you must be the new vocalist? Hi I’m Ryan Green, the lead guitarist for Switchblade.’ And he stuck his hand out towards me.
Smiling slightly at his happy demeanour, I grasp his callous hand and shook it slightly. ‘Yeah nice to meet you, I’m Allison Griffiths,’ I answered him and added something as an afterthought. ‘Just call me Ally.’
‘I heard you two are going to sing a duet on stage later,’ he continued with an easy smile. ‘And I have seen that video you guys had sung together. It was magical I tell you! It was brilliant too.’
I exchanged looks with Rip but he looked at his friend with a peculiar expression instead and hit him hard on his stomach suddenly, making the man grunt in pain. Alarmed, I watched Rip just shakes his head in disgust. ‘You’re showing up here drunk as hell!’ he exclaimed at him who was still doubling over.
His dark eyes darkened in anger slightly and he grabbed Ryan on the shoulders before shoving him away from us. ‘Hey relax man! It’s not as if you don’t do that,’ Ryan said happily, grinning at the both of us. ‘You always appear to shows piss drunk, don’t you tell me what to do!’
I stared at the both of them, not knowing what to say. Rip just glared at Ryan dangerously and we watched him leave quietly. I didn’t make a sound and just made myself more comfortable, leaning my head on the wall as I stared at the other people who were busy changing sets.
‘Sorry about that.’
I shook my head without meeting his gaze. ‘You don’t have to apologize, we all have secrets Rip,’ I told him levelly and lets out a breath as I saw another band leave the stage with huge smiles. I watched them strode off from the back door and turn a left to get to their dressing rooms.
All were buzzed with the high from performing.
‘Yeah and I’m not proud of my past,’ he said quietly which made me turn to look at him mutely, noting his darkened expression and the way his fists were curled so tautly that it made the veins in there jump invitingly before turning away to latch my gaze on the wall in front of me.
‘None of us are really.’
…