I danced back and forth between feet anxiously, watching intently as the postal worker dropped a key on the marble countertop between us with a bored look.
"Your P.O box number is forty-three, have a nice day." The monotone response matched the beyond miserable expression she wore.
I snatched the key and turned my back, fiddling with it until it was securely on my key ring, not allowing the woman's depressing aura to bring me down. I felt as if a huge cloud of heaviness had been lifted off me as soon as I escaped the postal shop. It was crazy how much of an affect someone's mood could have on you.
I don't know exactly what I expected to find in my P.O box. Maybe some part of me had thought I'd have a huge influx of letters. So many, in fact, that they'd all come pouring out as soon as I turned the key to open it.
Instead I found two lonely letters within. The first was a plain white envelope with Ms. Nobody scribbled across in gorgeous calligraphy that even my grandmother would be jealous of. The second was a black envelope, written on with what appeared to be a fluorescent marker.
"There you are, Kasey! I've been looking everywhere for you!" My best friend's high-pitched squeal broke my concentration. I hurriedly stuffed the letters in my purse, afraid she'd ask to read them if she was able to get them within hands reach. I had promised these people everything would remain confidential, which meant no one, not even my best friend should be able to read them.
"Steph!" I whirled around to find a crimson mess of hair being brushed threw a few feet away. "I told you I'd meet you at King Slush in five."
"Well, there were cute guys everywhere." She stated matter of factly, "What did you expect me to do? Just stand there and stare like a creep?"
I wasn't antisocial per say, I just kept to myself. I'd learned over the years, outside of being Ms. Nobody, it's best to keep a low profile. You don't talk or mess with anyone, no one talked about or messed with you.
Stephanie Cruz, on the other hand, was as antisocial as it gets. She got anxiety when a boy would even look in her direction and had panic attacks when girls tried talking to her, even over the simplest things. She had found a kindred spirit and save haven in me when she moved here in fifth grade from Alaska and got paired with me on a reading project. Since then, we'd been nearly inseparable. Just the two flies on the wall everywhere, not looking to bother or be bothered.
Stephanie's shyness and antisocial attitude paired with my cautiousness was one of the reasons I'd created Dear No One. For people like us. People who wanted to speak without having another face staring back expectantly or finding a way to redirect the conversation back to themselves.
"How cute are we talking?" I finally questioned; eyebrows drawn.
Her face fell. "Way out of our league. Or my league I guess."
She wasn't wrong. The second we entered the mall food court my stomach tightened into a knot. I recognized a majority of the boys from the various sports teams at our school. I'd even attended a couple of their parties in the past, not that I'd had any fun. I'd been dragged along by my popular brothers hoping they could give me a gentle push so I'd try and make my way up the high school food chain. But I was happy and content where I was at the bottom and after a while they finally came to that obvious conclusion their selves and stopping forcing me along on their escapades.
"I'm feeling extra confident today." I grinned. "Let's walk by them."
You would have thought I'd suggested murder by the look that crossed my best friend's face in response to my statement. Once she got over her initial shock she threw herself down at a empty table and shook her head.
"I will do no such thing. As a matter of fact, you can go get our smoothies if you're feeling so confident. I'll be waiting here."
I shook my head and laughed as I headed toward the crowd of jocks waiting in line. Our town was small, sure, but the least they could do was open a smoothie place outside of the mall. King Slush was the high school hangout. Anyone who was anyone would always be taking up all the tables surrounding the slushie/smoothie joint.
"Hey!"
I braced myself to find all the boys laughing at my sudden appearance. Surprisingly, they were all looking to the baseball team captain Eric Baxter. I tried everything in my power to swallow the sudden dry lump that'd formed in my throat, afraid I'd choke on the sob rising in it.
"Kasey!" Eric fell back in line so he was beside me. "Hey, I thought that was you."
Please leave me alone.
"I'm sorry." He touched my shoulder much to my irritation. "Kasey, I'm sorry about what happened to Tommy."
I turned my head a fraction, hoping he'd take the look in my eyes as a good sign to leave me the hell alone.
"Two years and you just now decide to say your condolences?" I shook my head. "Please just get back in line, Eric."
Of course he couldn't take a hint and made a gesture toward himself. "I haven't talked to you in two years. You always speed up your walk when you pass me in the hall."
"What is it that brought you over to me right now?" I asked.
"Come to my party tomorrow night." He demanded. "You can bring her if you want too."
He made a gesture with his thumb toward Stephanie across the food court, watching us with awe shining in her dark eyes.
"Why would I do that?" I raised an eyebrow. "We aren't even friends. I have no interest in partying either.
"Come on, Kase." He offered a crooked smile. "If you get bored or annoyed or whatever you can just leave."
As if he could read my mind, he cut me off just as I opened my mouth to deny the invitation again. "No this isn't some dare or some shit like that. I just think it'd be nice to see you out having fun again."
Rather than reject it again, I shrugged a shoulder and met his eyes, the blue in them almost pulsating with amusement.
"Fine. We'll go."
"Awesome. See you then!"
He finally turned his back to me and hurried toward the front of the line, starting to play fight with one of his teammates. After a few minutes, as if he could feel my eyes still on his back, he flashed a smile. Revealing the dimple on the right size of his mouth. I tried to offer a smile in return, but it fell into a grimace almost immediately.
This probably wasn't the best idea. For Eric to just walk up and talk to me out of nowhere after years of not saying a word to one another had to have some underlying reason. Whether it was to make my best friend and I the laughing stock of the school or some little game he and his friends were playing with one another, I didn't care to find out.
It wasn't until I'd gotten my best friend and my smoothie that I passed him again. He was sitting now, his feet kicked up on the table. Catching my eye, he flashed me another perfect smile, the turned back toward whatever it was they were talking about. I stood there for a moment, contemplating confronting him about the real reason behind his invitation, but ultimately decided against it and headed for my own comfort zone next to my best friend.
"How was your day, sweetheart?" my dad asked at some point during dinner. I stared back blankly; my fork full of potatoes halfway to my mouth.
Did Dad really just ask about my day? Was there a full moon today or something?
"It was fine. Pretty uneventful." I suddenly wasn't very hungry anymore. "Eric Baxter invited Steph and me to his party tomrrow."
It was my brother and sisters turn to look surprised. Kevin opened his mouth, ready to speak, then shook his head as if he decided against what he was wanting to say.
"Eric Baxter? What'd you say?" Kassandra questioned. "You better have said yes. I've been wanting to go to one of his parties since. . ."
My sisters trailed off mid sentence, bowing her head. She didn't have to say it, because we all knew the next two words that had been about to leave her mouth.
Since Tommy died.
"I don't think it's a good idea." Kevin piped in.
Kassandra looked toward him. "Why?"
"Dunno. Just seems weird that Eric is suddenly interested in Kasey, don't you think? No offense, Kase, but you're not exactly his type. I would have thought he'd be more inclined to talking to Kassy."
"No, Kev, you're right." I set my fork down, pushing away from the table. "Those were my thoughts exactly. With the exception of him not being interested in me whatsoever part."
My brother's expression shifted in an instant, realizing he'd offended me.
"Kase, you know that's not what I meant. You're beautiful and. . ."
"And I don't want to continue this conversation. Mom, Dad, can I be excused?"
My parents, who had been looking back and forth between us like we were a soap opera they were waiting for the climax on, nodded but didn't say a word.
I took my plate to the sink before stalking out of the kitchen and to my room, shutting my door gently.
My room was a cluttered mess. Clothes were thrown across the floor, on my bed, and piled on top of my dresser, but I could not find it in myself to pick it up and put it in the hamper right now. Instead, I plucked my purse from the top of my nightstand and stared at the two envelopes I'd shoved deep within it earlier today. Rather than open them and read them like I knew I should, I pulled the drawer of the night stand open and dropped them into it, hiding them beneath an old spiral notebook.
I needed to have a clear state of mind in order to give my full attention to them and right now my mind was just as cluttered and messy as my bedroom.
"I know." A quiet voice came from outside in the hall. "I still think about it a lot too. I may not show it, but I do."
I tried to ignore my brother, but he decided my silence was opportunity to continue. But rather than stand outside and talk to my door, he walked into my room and shut it gently behind him.
"Kasey, look. I didn't mean what I said, you know that."
"But you're right, Kev. I'm not his type. I'm nobody's type. I'm a nobody." I whispered, fighting back the emotions that so desperately wanted to escape. "That's why I created my vlog. Because I'm not alone. There are thousands of people out there who feel just like me. Like a nobody. And I want to do everything in my power to help them so they don't feel like. . . . like this."
My brother fell on to my bed beside me with a loud grunt, squeezing the bridge of his nose between his fingers.
"I still question it every day. If there was signs I missed. If there was something I could have done to stop him. But there wasn't. It wasn't my fault. It wasn't Mom and Dad's. Or Kassandra's. Or yours, Kasey." He touched my shoulder. "I hope you know that."
I nodded. "I know that, Kevin. I just. . . I just want to feel accepted for once. I like being on the outside, sure, not in the limelight like you guys. But there's just this small part of me that wants to feel something, anything."
"And you think Baxter's party is going to help with that?"
"I don't know, maybe?"
Kevin sat there for a while, staring straight ahead at the bare lavender wall, clearly lost in his thoughts. When he finally shook himself back into reality he was on the verge of tears. I'd seen him like this only two other times. The night of the accident and the day after. Our entire family had been in hysterics, crying and sobbing. While my parents had been forced to stand in our brother's hospital room making the most agonizing decision that no parent should ever have to make, Kevin and Kassandra had been in my room. They'd been begging for an explanation, some sort of answer as to what our brother had done, why he'd done it. And why he'd tried taking me with him.
"Don't do anything you'll regret." Kevin eventually muttered. "No matter what, don't feel like you have to be someone you're not, Kasey. Speaking from experience, pretending sucks ass."
He gave me shoulder a comforting squeeze, stopping right outside my door a few seconds later. "And Kase?
"Hmm?"
"You can feel and be Ms. Nobody until you feel like you've found yourself. But just know you're somebody to those that really matter to you, and in the end, that's all that really matters.
***AN**
Hope you guys enjoyed!
Let me know what you thought!
~ChasingMadness24