"Why don't you just talk to her? Girls love confidence. What's the worst that could happen...?"
That was Sasha's advice to me when she first saw me talking about Hot Train Girl #2.
Now to be fair, she didn't have a clue what was really going on in my life at that point, but also if she had just followed through on her promise of September 2012, both of our lives could have been very, very different...
A few months prior, during July of 2012, I found myself browsing the Internet in search of some sort of motivation to help me write again, and as luck would have it, I stumbled across Sasha's blog. I was immediately attracted to her open and honest style of writing, something I could relate to, as we seemingly both saw the world the same. If finding her blog was luck, it was fate that she was in fact based in Johannesburg too, and I began my efforts to try and contact her.
It took a while, but what started as trading blog comments eventually became emails to each other and then phone calls.
It seemed like we had a lot in common as we were both carrying around heavy burdens in life and had aching hearts searching for love and affection. She, however, was currently in an on-again-off- again relationship with an Afrikaans guy, who from what she revealed to me, treated her so badly, both mentally and physically, but said that she was finally done with him, and was making plans to move out from their shared accommodation.
We'd been talking for months about meeting up, but it seemed like we just couldn't get the timing right, and with my lack of reliable transport, I was frustrated that I couldn't make a concerted effort to make it happen. At long last, we finally arranged a meeting but she cancelled last minute. I was more than used to being cancelled on, and knew that things in her personal life were complicated so was a little more understanding about this one.
I decided to up my game, and in an effort to lift her spirits, I sent flowers to her work, I didn't hear from her the day they arrived though, and when I casually asked her if she got anything, she told me she hadn't been to work. Curious as to why, I asked. She answered.
She said her guy had smacked her around and her face was so blue she couldn't go into work. My heart broke out of anger, and my now infamous white knight complex was about to kick in.
I promised to show her a better way, and she needed to get away from this guy. She did return to her work and was blown away by the romantic gesture of the flowers, and the card attached was to remind her that romance did still exist in the world.
We chatted every day, all day, until it was time for me to head down to Cape Town for the first time that year (the same trip I would meet Manuela).
While I was down there, Sasha told me she couldn't wait for me to come back to Joburg so she could show me what an amazing man I was. That was my first night down there, and I was eager for my trip to end so I could go back and meet up with her. The next night, I messaged her to chat, and she didn't reply.
Over the next few days, she ignored my messages completely, and by the time I returned to Joburg, she had stopped all communication with me. With my unexpected encounter with Manuela playing itself out, my first instinct was out of concern, what if something more serious had happened with her ex...or current...or whatever he was to her now.
But all my attempts at communication went unanswered.
Fearing the worst, or maybe realizing the expected, I carried on with my life. Then, a few months later in early 2013...she resurfaced with a new blog post. I'll never know if it was my concern, curiosity, or my ever-increasing loneliness, but I again tried to contact her, and we began talking again.
She revealed to me that she had gone through hell the last few months, and needed to sort out her life. To a certain degree I could accept that, as I had also been known to drop off the planet if I needed to. She did say that she had phoned me a dozen times and hung up when I answered because she didn't know what to say. I had always thought those missed calls were just my bank looking for money.
Thankfully, she had moved out and split up with her ex, and was now living somewhere else. I couldn't help but be happy for her. But I sensed there was more to it. Something else was going on.
Then she dropped the news on me.
She was about 5 months pregnant, with this guy's child. She hadn't told anyone yet. Not her family, and not him.
I was never angry or disappointed in her, and I showed nothing but kindness and support, as I knew her entire life was about to change, but now with the guy out the picture we started talking about meeting up again. The pregnancy didn't scare me away; she simple needed love and support.
With both our lives in turmoil, she invited me over for dinner, stating that she felt I could use a good meal, a good hug, and "hey, who knows what else might happen."
As the night of our first meeting (yes, under the most bizarre conditions) approached, I noticed her ex appear on Facebook again. I grew concerned as to what this might mean, but I didn't make a big deal about it. She did try and justify it by saying that she had told him about the pregnancy and he was being a man about things and taking responsibility. Which, I guess, in this sort of circumstance, is the right thing.
When the night of the dinner arrived, I sent her a text message asking her for the address. She replied with "Oh sorry, meant to tell you, My ex and I are back together". Yeah, real nice time to tell me.
I was furious. Pure anger. Not because the father was owning up to his responsibility, but because once again, someone was a better choice than me, in fact, a guy who hit a woman was STILL a better option than me.
I watched from a distance how the two of them publicly declared their newfound love for each other online, and how their child had brought them back together and changed everything.
We traded the occasional message, but I just couldn't bring myself to engage in genuine conversation. I knew their reunion was a horrible idea, and using a child to bridge their differences was simply going to end badly.
But for whatever reason, she loved him. And as that horrible truism goes, the heart wants what the heart wants.
She always saw the two of them as a Ross and Rachel relationship. But it was clear to me that they were more like Ike and Tina Turner.
While she was happy again, she encouraged me to go for Hot Train Girl #2, because...what's the worst that could happen.
Well, the worst did happen and this time it was I who retreated from the world. She was the last person I wanted to hold casual conversations with, and I stopped communicating with her completely.
I was always aware of what was happening with her though...and then I saw her various online check-ins at the hospital, as her due date got closer. She was also posting ominous statements about her arguments with her ex, including one that worried me tremendously, but still, I said nothing to her. I wasn't going to fall into the same trap for a third time. I hung up my white knight suit of armour, maybe for good.
Then in the early hours of the morning towards the end of July 2013, I got an instant message from her ...her baby was born...but had died shortly after that.
My heart broke for her. And I replied, sending my condolences. Her world had fallen apart, and things between her and her boyfriend crumbled quickly. As heartbreaking as the situation was, I felt a bit at peace that they would not be forced to see this relationship through, especially for the sake of a child.
Months later, she started dating someone else, who she now proclaims to her the most amazing man. A title I once held.
It's a strange story for two people who never actually met, and as selfish as it sounded, I couldn't help but wonder what about me. Why would I never get a chance to treat someone right, when someone who treats someone else so horribly gets endless chances?
The hurt and anger began building up inside me, and with what had happened with Sasha, Juanita and Manusha I just felt so lost and alone. They were three very different stories, with exactly the same outcome. I didn't even feel human anymore.
I didn't know how things would turn out with Noelene, but I most certainly knew she would be my final attempt at love, and happiness. In a desperate attempt to try anything, the night after I sent Noelene an email. I prayed. For the first time in a very long time I prayed to God to prove his existence and just give me a chance, and if he did, I would offer myself to him.
My reward was the devastation that this pastor's daughter had caused with her reply. I felt like a fool for praying, and realized at that moment, I was alone forever. Everyone would get a shot at happiness, but me.
I became a distant memory of myself, I was walking around in a trance-like state, staring at happy couples walking hand in hand with contempt and hate in my heart. I had evolved into the darkest version of myself I had ever been. I feared for my own sanity. Even old friends grew concerned about my state of mind; so much so that I found out they were messaging each other asking if the other knew what was going on with me. Nobody did, and few could understand what a toll the last 35 years had taken on me.
The ONLY thing keeping me going was that I had a trip to Europe on the horizon, at the end of October. I would be heading to Belgium, Amsterdam and Scotland for work.
But October also meant another birthday. I simply didn't know if I would make it through the day, let alone the rest of the year.
*************
The hand that reached our and touched my forearm surprised me.
As I looked up and saw Noelene standing there in front of me all my anger and hurt came out, and I instinctively lifted my hands up in defense and painfully said: "Don't....just don't!", shooing her away from me.
She said she just wanted to apologize for being so rude to me that day she sent the email. I retorted with "It wasn't rude...it was cruel and unnecessary."
I could see that she looked stunned, as if her apology deserved a better response. And she again repeated that she was sorry for being rude.
Fighting back the tears, I looked down again, until she got the hint and walked off. It had taken a month and a half for her to apologize, but I always knew she would. I just didn't know I would react that way. I had everything right to feel the way I did. But why did I suddenly feel so guilty about the way I reacted to her...?
I just couldn't leave well enough alone and later that day I emailed her with the words..."Why did you apologize?". All I needed to know was if the apology was to clear her own conscience or did she want to try and save this...whatever it was.
It took a few hours, but for the first time since her devastating email, Noelene's name showed up in my inbox again...
Ironically, she would not be the only one suddenly returning into my life that week...the race to Europe was about to have a few more unexpected stops.