One of the girls I began talking to about my Hot Train Girl #2 heartache was Juanita. She knew nothing of the email that tore my heart out, but only that I couldn't stop thinking about this girl and needed to address the situation.
Juanita, bless her heart, was always quick with advice, but when it came to me, she never really took the time to find out the facts. I guess she rather left that for her job as a journalist, but it had led to more that one falling out between the two of us over the years.
I'd like to think that she would probably agree that our friendship took a lot of work, and when one of us didn't have the strength to keep it going, it fell apart. In fact, that's exactly how it all started when I first met her back in 2007.
I met Juanita by pure chance, as it happened when I went to go drop off some DVDs for someone who had bought them from me. As he brought me up to the office for a chat, there was this girl sitting next to him who caught my attention immediately. It didn't take long before the three of us were having a conversation and I felt myself attracted to everything about her. I, being smart, gave her my business card and said: "Hey, if there's ever a CD you're looking for I can try to get it for you." (Working for a record label was still the best pick-up line I've ever managed to have in my life).
The next day or so she mailed me, and asked if I was serious, which of course I was. This opened the door at least and we began emailing each other regularly to the point where my "Hey let's have coffee" line eventually came out. She accepted.
We met up a few nights later, and had a pleasant evening together; sharing some of our personal lives, and got to know each other as best we could in a single evening. There was always a weird underlying tension though, which made it feel like we were always just one wrong line away from an argument. It was also strangely appealing.
Over the weeks that followed we eventually did have an argument because of our strong, yet very different opinions on things (for once, I forget what the actual topic was), but just like that we stopped communicating cold turkey.
Months later, we came into contact again, and just decided we had wasted so much not talking that it was just stupid.
She invited me over to her place for lunch and a swim. I went, and yet again we had a great time. In the swimming pool of the complex she stayed at, we engaged in the usual "splashing fun" two people have in water, had a conversation with a drunken biker about the rules of the road, and genuinely had an enjoyable time. I don't know if it was because she was soaking wet (I have a thing for women glistening with water), or if it was just coincidence, but it was that moment when I knew I had genuine feelings for this girl. I didn't know if she felt the same, because I saw no signs of it.
We went back to her place and changed, I had a shower (and secretly hoped she would walk in on me and shower too. Damn those pornos!).
Then the afternoon seemed to come to an abrupt end.
Once again a long while passed before we could actually see each other. Knowing my living situation, she invited me to her place for dinner. She treated me to some chicken, and we sat together upstairs and watched a Bollywood movie. It was simply a moment of pure bliss. We shared stories, joked and teased each other. As usual I didn't know if I should make a move, but I didn't want to ruin the evening, so didn't even second guess not making move.
Then the night came to a close, and I left feeling that this could be the start of something pretty great.
Instead that was the last time I saw her in person. There were many excuses why we didn't meet up again, which left me ultimately hurt and confused. But since hurt and confused are my middle names, I didn't give up.
Over time, I made my feelings to her clear, but this didn't seem to make any difference. She seemed to be going through some of her own personal issues, and eventually moved from Joburg back down to Durban.
We started chatting again via email, where she revealed she had feelings for me, but she had no intention of pursuing them. She said the day we went swimming she had invited me over to see if there was a spark between us.
I wasn't angry with all these late revelations, I was just hurt that she said this when there was no way we would see each other again. It felt unfair.
I tried in vain to try and make something of it, to try and convince her to give us a chance, but nothing. It just ended. I regretted that we never kissed. Maybe that would have changed things. Maybe not.
Years would go by without us talking, and then suddenly in 2011 we became Facebook friends and started talking again.
It's not often my romantic encounters ever have sequels, and of course as the rule would have it, sequels very rarely have a better ending than the original. I was hoping this would be one of those Empire Strikes Back or Terminator 2 type of sequels though, and not a lame Transformers sequel
Then, in February of 2013, some five years later, the old flame that was Juanita rode back into town.
Ok, not really a flame, but more of a flicker.
A few weeks earlier, Juanita mentioned she was moving back to Johannesburg for work. I couldn't help but be excited about this, but never for one second presumed we would actually see each other again, at least not anytime soon. I casually kept in touch, and wished her all the best for the move and new job.
Then one Saturday morning, I woke up to an instant message on my phone saying she would like to invite me over for tea. I immediately had a sense of panic, not just at the prospect of seeing her, but my own variables were all over the place that weekend.
I asked her what time she had in mind, but had to encourage her to make it a bit later as my car had broken down and I was waiting for someone to come fix it. He also happened to be running late, and I knew there was a chance I might not make it to her. Thankfully he came and fixed my car on time and I was ready to rock.
In my chat with her earlier in the day she mentioned I should bring something to swim in. I immediately had flashbacks. Thankfully not to that that time I wore a speedo for a school play, but rather flashbacks to the last time I saw her. History appeared to be lining me up for a repeat performance.
I got to her place in good time, not even worrying about the fact that I rode out the last of the fuel for the month, and made my way to her door, all the excitement I had in me quickly disappeared the minute she opened the door and hugged me because over her shoulder I saw a guy sitting on her couch. My heart immediately sank, and as I always do when I'm breaking inside, I became very quiet, but overly friendly.
As it turned out it was her upstairs neighbour who popped in for a visit. And stayed way longer than either of us had hoped he would. As she had plans later in the day, my time with her was very limited, and here was this stranger stealing MY TIME. I felt very silly about the whole being jealous thing, but this was certainly not the way our reunion had played out in my head.
He eventually left and finally I had some time with her. We made our way to the pool and just sat with our legs in the water catching up.
It was so calm and natural, that I was glad we finally got this time. Everything was at peace and we found ourselves laughing like we did so many years ago. We discussed a bit of our family life, and I was quite surprised that she didn't know certain things about me. Especially since over the years I've spoke at length about it in my blogs and social networks. It was both disappointing and refreshing. She hadn't really paid attention to the details.
Inevitably our time came to an end and she said she needed to get ready for the evening. We went inside her house, and joked around, and I flirted with her. All I could think of was 5 years ago, and how if I had kissed her maybe things would have been different and there and then all I wanted to do was take her in my arms and kiss her.
I didn't kiss her obviously. Because I don't do that sort of thing. Instead, we said our goodbyes and said repeatedly how happy we were to see each other again, and the clichéd "Let's do this again soon" actually seemed to be genuine.
Over the course of the following week we messaged each other and chatted like old friends.
Then at the end of the week, we chatted a bit more seriously, and I told her exactly how I felt about meeting up with her again, my silly jealousy about seeing her neighbour there and of course how I wanted to kiss her so much that day.
We've always been very open in our conversations and she told me how nice it was too, and that her neighbour was so annoying and she kept telling him how excited she was to see her old friend. Yes, me.
As for the kiss, she said she felt nothing romantic for me and didn't want to be one of those girls who hurt me. She wanted to be friends, and felt that being friends takes as much commitment as being in a relationship. She asked me if this hurt me to hear this. It didn't. I'm so used to hearing these words that's it's become laughable to me. I didn't begrudge her saying those things. After all, 5 years ago when she left and then she told me she felt something for me, it couldn't possible still exist after all this time. She mentioned how I'd moved on to other girls too, which at this point in the story, you would find the single most hilarious line in the book.
I wondered where could we go from here. We started hanging out as friends again, going to movies together, grabbing milkshakes together, and even going shopping together as I followed her around like some irritated boyfriend carrying her shopping bags. It was nice but didn't seem to change how she felt about me. We always danced around the subject of dating, but she always had a reason why we shouldn't. We'd argue too much, I wouldn't pray with her, and, of course the defensive "I just don't see you in that way".
However, my mood was changing due to the heartache and stress 2013 had tortured me with, and each time she saw me, I was sadder and quieter. Eventually this led to another argument and she brazenly said she was tired of me blaming the world for my problems. If it wasn't my mom I was blaming, it was my work, or God or even...now wait for this, Apartheid. Yup. Apartheid. I couldn't quite understand where that came from.
She said she could no longer let me bring her down. And then, we stopped talking altogether. I knew she had lost a close friend at that time as well, and a lot of that anger was taken out on me. But for the second time, she chose to walk away from us. Our paths however would cross one more time...
My year progressed with one disappointment after another, and it felt like I had become the Universe's personal joke. I wasn't even being given a fair chance anymore; I was just taking gunfire from every direction.
But as I mentioned, before my Hot Train Girl #2 ordeal, there were three ladies who crossed my path that would contribute to breaking what was left of my fragile heart in 2013 - Manusha, Juanita and then, there was Sasha...