I read the email again.
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From: Hot Train Girl #2 [mailto: ]
Sent: 06 August 2013 09:17 AM To: Shaun Myburg
Subject: RE: hello
Ok so...
I'm not sure what the rules are here. Am I allowed to talk to you if I see you on the train? No you aren't Am I not allowed to email you? & again No you aren't & I will never get another e-mail from you in my life.
I'm not sure. You should be sure now.
All I know is I've been thinking about this whole thing for the last few days, and I feel I have to say what's on my mind.
If you choose to cut all ties after this email, then I understand and respect that. Thank you please do respect my wishes.
However, in my heart, I just can't let things "end" the way they did. You really should.
I'd like to start with an apology.
Because of what I've been through in my life I tend to speak my mind instantly...I don't know if there is a tomorrow, and I live out loud that way. This has often been my downfall. So for coming on so strong, I apologize. That was unfair on you, and I guess I'm so used to losing people so soon in my life that when someone comes in I panic and try hold onto whatever is there so hard that I end up suffocating them. But some of the things you said to me just touched my heart and soul in way it's always needed, and I allowed myself to act on those feelings, which in retrospect was a mistake. I am a nice person until people f**k with me, & guess what, you really have.
That was never my intention with you. However we can't deny that there was something there between us, a spark, no matter how faint. I am ridiculously bad at "seeing the signs" when someone is interested in me, but with you, I felt it. There were no signs, there was no spark, I am not interested in you. Oh my gosh!!!!!! I was just being polite.
It's such a mean world that we live in, that we tend to close ourselves off to good things, for fear that we are hurt even more. The people around us tell us to believe certain things, or to back away from something, because they don't believe good intentions are still there. I don't claim to know anything about your life, but I can see it in your eyes, that you want to see good in people, but you get scared and shut it down before it gets too far or too real. You should not claim to know anything about me because you do not know me & you never will, I see good in people yes but that's where it ends. I shut things down that are going to cause a problem in my life- i.e. you & your fantasy world.
You said to me that you are a horrible judge of character. Yes yes yes because I should never have spoken to you to begin with. I wanna kill myself for making that mistake.
Well, I hate to say it, but you are right. You are completely wrong about me. And as much as I'd like to prove it to you, heck I even wrote a list of 101 facts about myself, how self- loathing is that? I understand that you need to realize that for yourself. It can't be forced upon you, it needs to come naturally. Make it natural to leave me alone forever please.
Over the last few days, I've thought about how on earth I can possibly go about proving my worth to you. Maybe you're worthy & whatever but not for me, so please don't force yourself on me, actually find someone that feels the same way about you! My worth in the sense that we owe it to ourselves to at least be friends I owe you nothing & will not be your friend. I don't have many friends. Let's take a wild f**ing guess why!, but the few that I do have "get me", and that is so rare that it's like pure gold dust when I come across people who I connect with. Sorry we don't connect, like I said I was being polite.
I've thought about grand romantic gestures that would prove I'm not willing to give up, and then quickly go in to a mode of self-doubt. Maybe stay in self-doubt mode because I'm not interested in sweet or romantic gestures, & not from you, I did appreciate the letter but you are taking this way out of context.
I thought of sending you my diary like you wanted because you deserved to know my every day thoughts. No thanks please spare me that.
I even thought of getting testimonials from people in some bizarre way of validating myself to you. Which would be easy because I know people who know your dad. BTW, next time you speak to your dad, tell him I'm good friends with Pastor "John Doe's" kid, not "Son A", but "Son B"; that way he knows I'm the real deal. (I ironically discovered this at dinner on Friday night). Being Pastor "John Doe's" son's friend doesn't do sh!t in my life & will not make a difference to my dad. He doesn't appreciate people putting me in difficult situations so maybe get with the programme & do yourself a favour & leave my father out of this. You don't know him & nor do you know me & I swear I will kill you with my bare hands if you dare mention him again! Yes I am all 100 shades of broken & will not hesitate to physically leave you that way if you do not make this the last time I ever have to think about you!!!!
Heck I even thought about coming to Church to prove myself....and for me....that's the biggest gesture I could ever make. No gesture will do any good for you, trust me, & do not think of coming close to me because again, like I said, you will be sorry.
I hope that you take the time to think this email over, instead of feeling pressured into making a decision, that is not the intention. I ask that you make a decision from your heart, one that is based purely on what your heart tells you, and not what your head (or anyone else's head) tells you is the right thing to do. My heart, my head & the right thing to do is to get very far away from you. At the end of the day, this is your decision. If you would allow me to prove myself as a worthy friend, I will take that above anything else in this world. With no ulterior motives, other than the honour of being in each other's lives in some small way. I don't care if this takes 5 days, 5 months or even 5 years. I'm willing to wait no matter what. I gave you the opportunity to become a friend, maybe in time but clearly you have lost it because you have this idea of us being perfect for one another & shi!t.
I'm sorry if this email "crosses the line" You crossed the line the day I deleted you & that was for a reason!, but I just cannot walk away from this without knowing I tried absolutely everything. That's something I ask you to respect as well, and know how hard this email was for me to send, because there is no right answer in this situation... and I too, am following what my heart tells me to do. You heart is talking sh!t & is going to get you into trouble if you do not leave me alone.
Like I said, I have had stalkers but you take the cake. You're living in some sort of a fairy- tale & like I said I want nothing more to do with you & the world you are living in, I do not want to see you ever again! Do not even utter my name. I don't believe that I have given you any false hope or anything of the sort for you to say these things but you really have got to snap out of it. You remind me of someone I know who has his amazing story about us & doesn't leave me alone, that person is delusional, its rather annoying.
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I thought tears were streaming down my face, I thought I had fallen to my knees...but none of that happened. I was just numb.
Of all the possible outcomes that I imagined, this was not one of them. This was cruelty of the highest degree, and I couldn't believe this was the same person I had gotten to know over these last 6 months. Admittedly, I didn't know her THAT well, but was this the type of person she really was?
I immediately jumped to her defence, in my own head someone else sent this email. Perhaps her work colleague who despised me, yes, it had to be him. He intercepted the email I sent her and replied with this. The improbable became logical to me.
But the burning question was, where the hell did I go from here now? If I saw her on the train that night, what would I do? Would she freak out and cause a scene? Would she come over to me and apologize? How did it get THIS bad?
I couldn't move, let alone think. I was embarrassed to talk to anyone. I just couldn't share this response with anyone. Even when work colleagues asked me if she had responded yet, all I did was say "yes, but it didn't work".
To ensure I didn't see her that night I waited for the very last train in the evening. I tried to cry myself to sleep that night, but the tears just wouldn't come. Instead I felt dead inside. I couldn't project any emotion.
This continued for days on end as I just gave up on life. I walked with my head down, staring at my feet so as to avoid eye contact with anyone, I couldn't hold conversations with colleagues, and I stopped eating.
In fact, I began losing weight rapidly. To the point where there were concerns that I was sickly. Over the weeks that followed, I just began wasting away. I dropped four waist sizes, and my clothes began to hang off me. When I bumped into old friends who hadn't seen me for years, they were shocked at "how well I was looking". Depression had always been the only diet that worked for me.
I read Noelene's email every day. Trying to make sense of it. But like a psychologically scarred war veteran who keeps looking at a photo of his lost platoon, I couldn't stop looking at it.
With each passing day, I convinced myself that Noelene would come up and apologize to me. I was certain of it. Nobody could allow themselves to be okay with sending someone that sort of email.
There were days when I saw her out of the corner of my eye, but made sure my head was down so we didn't look directly at each other. As per her wishes, I looked the other way. But I craved interaction with her. For half a year she had become the best part of my day...and now...I was the worst part of hers.
I slowly started letting people in on what had happened. They too were shocked by her response and asked what I had done to spur it on. I asked myself that daily. I shared my feelings with some friends, that I still had faith she would apologize to me, but they thought I was mad and needed to move on. According to them, I was in denial, and needed to just walk away from it.
My pain began surfacing online as well, as I posted a series of dark comments that enraged people. Nothing unusual to how I had always lived my life.
And just when I thought the situation with Noelene and I couldn't get any crueler, it felt like it did. I began seeing her more and more often on the train again. And each time, she would ensure that she was in my line of sight.
Some days she would come stand directly in front of me on the platform. Or walk past me on the escalators and then stop on the step just above me.
I didn't know if she was just being outright mean, or trying to get my attention. But I didn't break, I just kept to myself. Acknowledging her was a question I didn't know how to answer, so I just avoided it.
Then one morning, about a month and a half after she had sent the email, it all came to a head.
I arrived early for my train, and passed by her as she sat smoking on a bench outside the station. I could see her reflection in the window as I walked inside; she was staring at me. I knew today would be the day something happened.
I stood waiting on the train platform; staring down while I began untying my tangled headphone wire, when suddenly a hand reached out and touched my forearm...it was Noelene.