Ain't nothing change but the date, and come October of 2010, I was preparing for another birthday alone. By now at least my work colleagues respected that I didn't do the birthday thing, and the wishes and balloons were kept to a minimum.
Over the past year I had become a casual acquaintance with an Indian girl named Tricia.
She was a promoter who had moved up from Durban to Johannesburg to try and make a career for herself in the music industry. She always sought my advice where she could, owing to my experience in several aspects of the industry, and I always encouraged her.
We struck up a friendship, and so when she urgently asked me to help out with a lift to the train station so she could catch a flight back home, I didn't even question the favour, and dropped everything to go fetch her. That was always the kind of guy I was.
During our journey to the station, it came out that she would be returning on the day of my birthday, and she suggested we should spend it together.
I, naturally doubtful, said that she didn't have to; as deep inside I felt it was just a gesture in return for the favour I was doing for her at that exact time. She insisted, and I accepted. I tried not to allow myself to be excited, but could feel inside I was smiling.
After the crazy year I was having, maybe, just maybe I would actually have a good birthday with a cute girl.
My instincts had become like a sick paranoia that polluted my life, as the next 48 hours leading up to my birthday consumed my thoughts. Till eventually, I gave in and allowed myself to be excited about her return.
I realized that the details of the return flight time had never actually been addressed, and I had no idea when to expect her. Not wanting to seem desperate about seeing her, I simply just waited.
The day of my birthday passed like any other day in my life, without even a wish from her or an excuse for standing me up, till eventually at about 8pm, I got a text from her. She said that she had just woken up, and maybe we could do something the next day, but hoped that I had had an awesome birthday.
Instead of being angry with her, I felt myself more disappointed in myself for thinking it would be any different. Sure, a negative defeatist attitude, but a factually correct one, nonetheless.
I never saw Tricia again, and although she did request my driving services one more time following that, I chose on that occasion to politely decline. I guess it was possible for me to learn a lesson.
A few weeks following that, it was once again time for the next global conference, this time being held in Barcelona.
"Wow, Spain!", I thought. But before I could even think something other than "Wow, Spain!", I was immediately told by the newly appointed manager, that I would not be attending the conference this time round and he felt he should send someone else. One of the more senior people would be going, as "they had not been overseas all year".
They had just pulled the senior rotation card on me. Even though the invite had been extended to me, I got red-taped out of going to a conference that was intended specifically for my job. I was pretty angry about the whole situation, and felt severely disrespected.
My mentor, Dave, had left the company just over a year prior, as he moved his family to Australia, and despite my begging him to adopt me, I was left to sink or swim for the first time since joining the company. I had worked my cute white butt cheeks off to prove that I was more than Dave's injured little bird, as one colleague once put it, but I felt I had done him proud in establishing myself as the asset he always believed I would be to the company.
Dave's now former role would be split between two very different personalities, and I always knew it would be a struggle to break into the boy's club. I had nothing but respect for them as their industry experience and knowledge far outweighed me in every capacity.
In order to do well in the music industry, you needed the right mix of ego and arrogance, two things I never really mastered.
However, I played a pretty good social game and always felt that I was well liked by everyone, the only difficulty was bringing new ideas to minds that had been doing the same things for 15 years. It was frustrating and challenging, but rewarding when I was able to make a breakthrough.
I was indeed uniquely positioned to help bring modern ideas into a seemingly archaic way of thinking. In the music industry, things were rapidly changing, and we could no longer avoid it. And I loved my job, I really did, in fact, my long term plan was to work for Sony Music for the rest of my life - just not in the South African office.
I had also never before been at a job as long as I stayed at the record label, and my colleagues become a second family, which was both good and bad, as everyone knew everyone's business.
But there were just as many good times sharing stories; jokes and ribbing each other mercilessly as there were arguments, fallouts and dramas.
With so many rapid changes going on in the company, both on a local and global level, I began to see the cracks in my future plans turning into caverns.
Senior management was changing big time, and names I had worked so hard to impress, were being moved out of the company seemingly overnight.
Almost daily we would wake up to an email announcing the departure of someone of importance. I felt the writing was on the wall.
It was announced that due to economic woes and change in strategy, our office would be going through a restructure and voluntary retrenchment was being offered to anyone who would like to accept it.
I did the math, and maybe in somewhat of a knee-jerk reaction to the conference snub, put my hand up, announcing I wanted to leave.
Our MD had also announced his plans to step down, and as he was the man who started the company along with Dave, we were uncertain as to what the next chapter would bring.
Despite his best efforts to ensure nobody lost their jobs during his time, his replacement would come in without any decade-long personal relationships clouding his judgment, and the retrenchments and restructuring began.
Much to my surprise, my voluntary retrenchment was denied, despite my vocal exclamations of wanting to be transferred overseas.
The new boss had big plans for me, which even I thought were way too good to be true, but I was willing to give this new regime the old college try.
After the most dramatic year of my life, it had finally ended, on something of a hopeful note. Would a new life, a new country and new loves finally be within touching distance?
With that hope, almost in an attempt to recap the last decade plus, I sat down and wrote a love letter to the universe, hoping it would answer my cry for help...
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Dear New York City
Can you believe it's been almost 13 years since we last saw each other?
So much has happened that I don't even know where to start.
I wasn't sure if I should write you again because at times I doubted you would even remember me.
I'm still in South Africa. Which is killing me (almost literally some days!), but I'm trying to work my way outta here. It's proving difficult though, and there are more days of doubt than days of promise. I'd say I cry myself to sleep some nights, but I haven't had a decent night of sleep in almost 8 years - I kid you not.
The last time I was over there, I visited you with my cousin, Andre. Do you remember him? He unexpectedly took his own life several years ago. That crushed me. Andre was the one guy (other than myself), who liked to share my accomplishments. He always praised me to family and friends. I miss his support and guidance so much. Especially after my dad and brother's deaths so many years ago, Andre became the closest thing I had to a male role model. I don't have that anymore, and there are days I feel completely lost without it.
Work is tough at the moment. I've been at my current job for almost 5 years now - a lifetime, I know! I'm not happy there anymore. I've lost faith in the people, and worst of all, in my future there. I've done so much for them, and am still not taken seriously nor given the credit or recognition I deserve. I feel like they still see me as "the new guy" and forever will. My ambitions are so much greater than the company allows. They all see that place as a job, whereas I view it as a career. I always felt they would be my way to a greater future overseas, but it's clear they will never help me get transferred to an overseas branch. Plus, I just can't survive on the salary they are paying me anymore.
Things at home are always tense. I still live with my mom. Most people laugh at that, and they don't understand why I'm still there. Neither do I at times. The reality is she lost her job back in 2004 when I lost my job, and has since refused to work. I get angry at the continual burden I have to carry. I've spent the last six years here taking care of her, paying off lifelong debts, fixing the house (which seems to be never-ending) and feeding two people. I love her, but I need my own life before it's too late.
We play the hands we are dealt I guess, but it crushes my spirit. My life should have been so different at this point.
I've been watching everyone else live his or her lives. I see them falling in love, getting married, having children, and perhaps worst of all I see them visiting you. It seems like everyone else is living a life while I'm living a punishment.
Gosh, this letter has been all about me. I'm sorry about that. How have YOU been?
I was sorry to hear about your loss in 2001. I cried so much that day. I wanted to write you, but didn't know what to say.
Anyways, I know you're busy, so I won't take up any more of your time. Do you mind if I write you again soon?
Please know that I love you, and have thought about you every single day. I can still close my eyes and picture you, smell your perfume, and feel you against me.
Is that weird? Probably.
I'm so lonely here, and I know you're the only one who gets that.
Love Always Burg.