NEWS SHOUTER 1
Extra extra! Read all about it! Harry Potter, the boy who beat Voldemort now says he's back!
"Ron, could you open that stuff any louder?" Ginny asked sarcastically as Ron began tearing into his mountain of sweets. He thought about it for second, than shook his head.
NEWS SHOUTER 2
Daily Prophet! Get your Daily Prophet here! Harry Potter versus Voldymort round 2!
NEWS SHOUTER 3
Minister of Magic Cornelius Fudge makes a statement!
MINISTER OF MAGIC [Cedric in a new costume]
I've heard these Voldemort rumours and I for on simply don't believe them.
"Hey look. Cedric found a way to come back from the dead!" Hermione pointed out.
NEWS SHOUTER 2
Voldemort talks about it on his new FluTube channel!
VOLDEMORT
I'm gonna find Harry Potter and **** to his ****!!
Harry grimaced, scowling at the stage. "Violent much?" he grumbled.
NEWS SHOUTER 2
Also does a review of "Seventeen Again"!
VOLDEMORT
Well it was a little slow at first but come on! Zac Efron! Zefron! 'Nuff said!
"Zefron?" Ron asked through a mouth full of Bugles. Hermione turned on him. "You don't know who Zac Efron is?" she asked, unbelieving. "He's just a gorgeous American actor with the voice of an angel!"
MINISTER OF MAGIC
I've seen these so called posts and I still don't believe it! This is a rouse! You've all been hoodwinked!
"Sounds like the real thing," Harry said to Ginny, who nodded.
NEWS SHOUTER 4
Professor Quirrel confesses to murder of Hogwarts student Cedric Diggory! Receives life in Azkahban!
"But its all those meanies Voldemort and Bellatrix's fault!" Ginny snapped.
ALL
Extra! Extra! Daily Prophet here! [All exit]
[Harry and Ron enter from different sides, Harry reading a Daily Prophet and Ron holding a 10 lb chocolate bar. The desk is still in the room as well as a bench. Neville, Cho, Pansy and Lavender enter as well]
"That is the biggest chocolate bar I have ever seen in my entire life," Ginny said, eyes wide.
HARRY
Ron this totally sucks dude-
RON
This is horrible!
HARRY
Yeah I know, look at this. Its terrible. Harry Potter versus Voldemort, the fight of the century.
RON
No! It's not that! It's Hermione! It's just like I can't get her out of my head and every time I look at her...I get these pains in my chest...and I know its her fault that bitch! I'm just not cut out for this Harry, I'm just not!
"Awwww Ron! You feel bad for being a jerk! I knew I loved you for a reason," Hermione joked, laying her head on his shoulder. He smiled and offered her a Bugle, which she interpreted as " I love you too" in boy language.
HARRY
Yeah man I know what you mean. It's like you're trying to save the world and the whole world is against you-
"He isn't talking about Voldemort Harry. He's talking about Hermione," Ginny told her Harry, who just rolled his eyes.
RON
No! No no no! This isn't about you! Why does every conversation we have have to turn into Pottertalk?!
Harry frowned. "Do I do that?" he asked Ginny. "Do what?" she asked innocently.
HARRY
It's not Pottertalk-
"Turn everything into 'Pottertalk'?" Harry asked. He heard Ron cough out "Yes" from his other side. Harry frowned again and slumped in his seat. "I don't mean to," he grumbled.
RON
No! No! I'm miserable! [Points to giant chocolate bar] And all you can do is talk about yourself! You're like the most self absorbed guy I know! If you were miserable, I'd be there for you! But you won't even listen to me and I'm sick of it! So..so good luck with whatever you were talking about. And I hope that you and Voldemort live happily ever after because me, I am never going to be happy again! So I'm just gonna go curl up in my sock drawer and sleep for days! [Exits, Hermione enters]
"How on earth are you going to fit in a sock drawer?" Hermione asked Ron, who shrugged. " A shrinking Charm," he guessed. He then turned to Harry. "It's fine, you haven't done it in years," he assured his best friend.
HERMIONE
Were you just talking to Ron?
HARRY
Yeah, I was-
HERMIONE
Well did he say something about me?
"Just that you give him pains in his chest and he knows its your fault, you bitch!" Ginny joked. Hermione rolled her eyes.
Harry
Yeah...he said something-
HERMIONE
Well was one of those an apologies for how he treated me at the Yule Ball?
"Nope, I didn't hear that," Ginny said.
HARRY
Yeah, I heard about that. Anyway I wonder if you had heard anything, I don't know, I mean Voldemort is back! Cedric Diggory is dead! Professor Quirrel was crazy! And now I have to save the world, did you hear that Hermine?!
"You didn't need to shout," Hermione commented.
HERMIONE
Actually, I have heard those things Harry, about a thousand times. But never have they been told to me with so much sass! [Shove hand in his face] Drop the attitude Harry Potter! You're acting like Garfield on a Monday! [Harry looks offended]
"Oh!!!! Burn!" Ron yelled at Harry, who slumped further into his seat.
HARRY
Well don't you think I have the right to be a little bit stressed out?
HERMIONE
No! No I don't! You know this is just like with the dragon! I stressed out, I told you to prepare and yet you didn't do anything and you did fine! You just played you're little guitar! And I don't know what you're crying about Harry. This is just like when you defeated Voldemort when you were only a baby.
"Very valid points Hermione," Hermione joked, smiling.
HARRY
Hermione come on! You're supposed to be the friend that tells me to go to the library and try to figure this stuff out!
HERMIONE
Well you know what Harry? I don't do that anymore. [Leaves to exit, but Draco enters]
"What!? Thats crazy talk!" Hermione yelled. "I love the library!"
DRACO
Read it and weep Potter! I heard Voldemort is back! [Begins to climb on top of the desk] And he's trying to kill you! What do you think about that Moon shoes!? [Now sliding on the desk]
The four of them began laugh uncontrably at the sight of fake Draco rolling around.
HARRY
Malfoy I honestly don't see why you're so happy about this. If Voldemort is back, which he is, you can kiss Hogwarts good bye! You may as well kiss the whole planet good bye!
DRACO
Kiss the planet good bye? Having second thoughts about Pigfarts are you?
"Now I really want to know if there really is a secret space school on Mars that only some people know about," Hermione said, laughing. "Why would Malfoy know about it then?" Ron asked.
HARRY
Malfoy you're the last the last person I want to talk to about this right now, okay?
DRACO
You know what? [Stands up on desk] As soon as you're out of the way, I'll be the coolest kid in school.
"Thats totally not true. I would be the coolest kid in school if Harry died," Ron said. The three of them gave him werid looks for a moment before they turned back to the stage.
HERMIONE
Malfoy, that will never happen, everybody hates you!
DRACO
Oh, right! This coming from Hermione Stranger!
PANSY
No, she's right Malfoy. She's cooler than you now.
CHO
Yeah, even Moaning Mrytle is cooler than you!
"Burn!" Ginny yelled, Harry and Hermione shaking their heads at the new insult.
NEVILLE
Take this! Expelliarmus! [Draco's pants fall down to reveal that he wears a diaper]
DRACO
Ignore it! Ignore it! Stop it! [Everyone laughing and pointing]
"Malfoy wears a diaper!" Ginny howled as the four of them fell into a fit of laughter.
SNAPE
[Entering from no where] What the devil is going on here?! [Sees Draco crying] Draco Malfoy, pull those trousers up at once!
DRACO
Proffesor I-
SNAPE
I don't want to hear it! I need to see you in my office! [Reveals he now has a hook hand] Now!
"How is it not obvious he is a Death Eater!?" Ron yelled. "Hes missing an arm for God's sake!"
DRACO
[Climbing down from the desk] This is all your fault Potter! You'll pay for this! You'll all pay!
"Sure, sure," Harry said, laughing as Malfoy exited.
[Everyone exits but Harry, congradulating Neville, Ginny enters with Doritos]
HARRY
Hey Ginny! Hey I hope you have something to say about Voldemort.
GINNY
Who?
"How do I not know who Voldemort is?" Ginny asked, shaking her head.
HARRY
Whatever. [Ginny offers Harry a Dorito] No, I'm fine.
GINNY
Um..hey..Harry? Um..so we kissed at the Yule Ball. And, well, I thought we were gonna be together forever. But we're not.
"Yeah Harry...well at least it works out in real life," Ginny said. Harry nodded and wrapped his arm around her shoulders.
HARRY
Yeah, that uh..that pretty much sums it up.
"You didn't have to put it like that," she mumbled to herself.
GINNY
Wait, whats going on?
HARRY
Ginny, this is whats going on, don't you get it? [Points at Prophet] Everyone is in danger, who is near to me. We can't be together because well if Voldemort is back, which he is, you're in mortal peril. Its just like the Spiderman movie, haven't you seen it? Mary Jane and Peter Parker can't be together.
"Spiderman is my favorite superhero!" Ron exclaimed, almost choking on his Bugles.
GINNY
But the whole point of Spiderman 2 is that M.J. and Peter Parker could be together in the end.
"I like Batman better," Hermione said thoughtfully. Ron stared at her with wide eyes like she was a complete stranger. "What?" she asked. He just shook his head.
HARRY
Yeah, I know but the point of Spiderman 3 is everything sucks and it falls the shit! Ginny, what I;m trying to say here is I don't want my life to be like Spiderman 3 I hated that movie! I'm sorry, its just my little way of saying, well, we can't be together. I'm sorry Ginny.
"Well at least that wasn't so harsh," Harry said to Ginny. She just shrugged, but chose to let this one slide...and only this one.
GINNY
[Eating Doritos] I'm such an idiot! [Exits]
"No you're not," Harry assured Ginny.
HARRY
Ugh! I need a Butterbeer, this is terrible. [Dumbledore enters, with a fake black beard over his white beard]
DUMBLEDORE
Pssst! Potter! Its me!
HARRY
Who are you?
DUMBLEDORE
[Pulls down fake beard] It's Dumbledore!
"People suck at recognizing people in this play," Ron said, shaking his head.
HARRY
Oh!
DUMBLEDORE
Listen Harry, I've got some very important things I've got to tell you!
HARRY
What?Oh about Voldemort?
DUMBLEDORE
Yes, that! It's absoulutely crucial for you to know! I can't get into it right now. You should meet me in my inner office at 10 o' clock and come by yourself! Bring that Invisibilty Cloack of yours and don't go blabbing your mouth about this to anyone! Voldemort's spies could be anywhere, even inside of Hogwarts! From now on Harry the only people you can trust are me and Severus Snape.
"Um...no. You shouldn't trust Severus Snape because he was in the grave yard and cut off his arm!" Ron all but yelled at the oblivious actors.
HARRY
Listen, Dumbledore, I know you don't want to hear this, but I am not so sure about Snape. I think, I think, I'm pretty sure he is working for Voldemort.
"Finally! Some sense from these people!" Ron said. Hermione smirked. "Imagine Ron talking about other people's sense," she muttered.
DUMBLEDORE
What?! Thats stupid! You're stupid!!
"Whoa, chill out Dumbledore," Ginny said.
HARRY
No, I just think I'm postive, that some Death Eater in the graveyard cuts off his hand and then Snape shows up without his hand, what is that?
DUMBLEDORE
Oh cockamamie! Snape has assured me that he lost is hand in an entirely unrelated incident!
"That is totally ridiculous!" Ron said, shaking his head.
HARRY
Dumbledore, why do you trust Snape so much?
DUMBLEDORE
Because I love him!
Ron's eyes grew huge. "Wait...is Dumbledore...gay?" he asked Hermione. She pointedly ignored him.
HARRY
Professor I-
DUMBLEDORE
I don't want to hear anything else about it! There is no way that Severus Snape, is, was or ever shall be a servant of Voldemort!
"Well thats totally not accurate," Harry said.
[Both exit]
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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