zack won't speak to me.
it's been hours now and he hasn't said a word. we've been parked in the black truck for two hours now. i can't bring myself to break the silence. he keeps his eyes on the road, not yet pulling out of the abandoned lot he hid us in.
"is it starting again josh?"
he asks me the question sharply, but quietly, like he wishes he didn't have to ask at all. i think it's quite obvious. i sigh, leaning my head on the window.
"yes."
he takes a breath, drumming his hands on the steering wheel. i feel tears pinprick the corner of my eyes but i fight to keep them at bay. i won't cry over this. i won't cry over anything anymore. that's how He wins.
"what's the plan?" zack asks me.
in the tense air of the car, i feel myself begin to panic. my hands start to tremble and i shove them underneath my legs to hide it. but zack notices and the moment he asks me if i'm okay i feel myself start to lose it.
my breaths come in shallow, and my lungs cannot find air. i feel like i'm sinking and watching the earth cave in around me.
"josh."
i can't breathe, i'm going to die.
"josh!"
i can't catch my breath, there isn't any to catch. the sides of the car close in around me and i'm so scared that this is it, but maybe i'll finally be released from the hell that is my life. i'm crying, i can feel the tears run down my face. my hands are getting numb and i swear i'm losing vision, losing grip, losing life.
but in me
There is more life than ever needed.
i feel my mind swaYing.
he is aLive.
more than Ever known.
and i feaR what he'll do.
Josh Dun is a coward.
I cannot begin to explain what it is like, living day after day, forced to endure and tolerate his utter stupidity. How Tyler can stand him, I am unsure. Tyler...
Boy wasn't that a nasty surprise for Joshy? He finds out he has Borderline Personality Disorder, becomes a raging psychopath, and kills his boyfriend all in the same week. Then, months later after having dealt with the grievance, he finds out he didn't kill him at all. Tyler Joseph is alive and well.
i am alive and well.
Josh tried to kill more than just Tyler all those months ago. He tried to KILL ME. HOW DARE HE HOW DARE HE FUCK YOU
ahem. I haven't dealt with it quite yet.
but he can't get rid of me. you can't get rid of me.
Forgive me if I haven't introduced myself. You'll learn. I know... fourth wall? The wall is in Josh Dun's mind. The wall is in your own. I'm not just here. I am everywhere. I live in the dark spaces and lonely places. I am your greatest fear. I'm the rejection you feel from friends who always makes plans without you. I am the sense of failure on your latest math test. I'm the quiet mutterings you hear from your parents late at night when they think you've gone to bed. I'm the social anxiety you try desperately to shove down your vulnerable throat that you have thought countless times of tying a noose around, desperate to be free from life, from me, from the godforsaken pit that is your miserable existence.
I apologize.
Was it too much?
Was it not enough?
Has i. t not been madeee.
clear. ????
Forgive me.
josh is waking up.
You know who I am.
s
say my name.
I'lll see you soon.
FAREWELL.
waking up results in a lurching of my stomach i never asked for. i lean over desperately, spilling its contents onto the ground below me. i have succeeded in vomiting a puddle onto my bedroom floor.
i groan, rubbing my head. i try to track down my phone with one hand, finding it slipped underneath my duvet. my head feels light while my brain feels bogged down. i try to stand, but a wave of dizziness overcomes me.
ever to my rescue, tyler bustles in. his face gives nothing away. i don't know what zack has told him about my family or about yesterday. i say nothing, watching as he sets a glass of water on my nightstand. he gives me a small smile as he walks out of the room.
he enters once more to clean up my vomit, doing so without a word. the silence is what scares me most. it is too reminiscent of the tyler i used to know.
"hi," i murmur, watching him pointedly.
"hey, josh," he sighs, stopping his movement toward the door.
"what's wrong?"
he sighs again, sitting on the edge of my bed finally. he seems nervous, like he has something to tell me. my stomach plummets.
hesfakinghesfakinghesfakinghesfakinghesfakinghesfakinghesfakinghesfaking
"i'm so sorry," he whispers.
"for what?" i ask, swallowing my doubts.
"josh... your parents were found dead yesterday afternoon. they think your brother might have killed them and is now on the run," he lowers his head.
"oh."
that is all i say. that is all i can say.
"that's okay," i tell him.
"okay?" he looks at me, bewildered.
"i mean... my parents and i don't have a good relationship. jordan and i grew apart last year. it's hard to feel much after everything going on," i shrug.
"what's going on?" he wonders.
fuck.
Tell him.
Tell him.
He already knows He's faking
"nothing, i just meant everything that went on last year," i lie.
"alright, well you get some rest okay? i'm just down the hall if you need me."
he stands up to leave once and for all, planting a kiss on my guilty lips.
it's too late for anyone now.