Hey guys
I've been sick for the last week so it has taken some time and effort to write this chappy. Hope you like it!
Song above is Heart by Sleeping At Last play at end scene/Sliz scene!
Also, I'd like to dedicate this chappy to popcorn5R for her many, many votes on Life is Liz. Thank you! If you are a Bex shipper you might like this chapter!
Enjoy!
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I'll be the dangerous ledge
You be the parachute
~Sleeping At Last, Heart
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So, I'd made the decision to never see Sam again. The thing was just that he was still very much oblivious of this fact. I hadn't told him yet. Simply because I didn't know how.
How could I tell him that I refused to spend more time with him, but that it didn't have anything to do with him? The It's-not-you-it's-me cliché. No, I couldn't pull this shit on someone like him. He would deny it, refuse to believe me, try to show me otherwise.
Maybe I should take a different approach.
Doing it via text messages though wasn't right, plus, I couldn't ignore him forever either. Even when the prospect of doing it face to face filled me with unsettling nervousness I was morally obliged to do it.
My heart clenched in my chest as I put my phone down. It was better this way. I wasn't good for him. I'd just tear him down with me into the darkness of my brain.
Shortly after I'd sent the message my mind was convinced it was time to show me an image of my therapist. I tried to push it away, but it wouldn't budge. So, I let myself remember. Dr. Goodman greeted me at her office door. We shook hands and I followed her inside. I straightened my shirt after sitting down in the armchair. It was becoming significantly harder to meet with her. "So, how are you?" she asked when I just smiled at her.
"I'm good."
"Oh?"
"Yeah uhm... I struggled with something for the last few weeks though." She nodded for me to continue. "You know that most of my male friends are football player." Another nod. "Uhm, the team had a hard time getting along though and in a short moment of impulse and anger I kinda-" I cleared my throat and averted my eyes. "Well, I sorta yelled at the team, because they were fighting mid game. The coach saw all this happening and since it seemed like my words could somehow reach them was convinced that I would be good for the team. So, he offered me a position to help them out."
When I looked at her, her brows were furrowed and she looked puzzled. "Help them out how?"
"Well," I cleared my throat again, shifted in my chair. This part I knew she wouldn't like. "I'm there for them whenever they have a problem with another team mate." I settled on the one explanation that wouldn't cause her to lecture me.
Or not.
"So, you listen to their problems day in day out?" She had a disapproving look on her face.
I tried hard to keep myself from cringing. I'd never told her that I thought I was too selfish and I wouldn't ever tell her. I would never utter a single word about this to anyone on this planet.
"Well, not exactly, but sometimes." I shrugged and looked at my lap.
"And how do you feel about this? Does this not burden you? I mean, it's nice of you to do it, but I want to be sure that this is okay for you."
"It's okay. Sometimes it makes me worried, but I can handle it."
"If this is negatively influencing your mental health then you need to stop. You need to focus on what's good for you too."
I nodded, but my heart wasn't in it and she knew it too.
"Ugh!" Tyler's grunt of pain as he was tackled at the 20 yard line pulled me out of my thoughts. I was so enveloped in my mind that I hadn't noticed that they'd started practice at all. I let my gaze slip to my phone. 1 new message.
I sighed and rested my forehead in my palm. All throughout practice my tummy was aching so bad I thought I was gonna be sick. I was a fidgety, nervous mess. My heart was its own bundle of nerves, weighing me down like a rock. My heart was pounding in my chest, because of the fact that my body told my mind that it was going to throw up any second now. My skin was alternating between hot and cold flashes. I felt perspiration on my forehead as well as on basically every other part of my body. My skin was covered in goosebumps. Any minute now I was going to faint of that I was sure. The sigh that escaped my lips sounded strangled.
Just as the coach announced that practice was over my phone buzzed with a new text.
My heart clenched in my chest as I grabbed my stuff and moved off the bench. I made it halfway off the field before someone called out to me. "Hey, Rookie!" I turned around, ready to collapse. It was Winston who'd called me. They'd started naming me Rookie a few weeks ago. I didn't mind, at least they accepted me.
Winston was standing around with a group of five. Miles, Tyler and Liam among them. Winston waved me over. I glanced in the direction of my destination before jogging over to them. "What's up?" I asked, slightly out of breath.
"We're gonna do some team bonding later tonight at my place, you up for it?"
I cleared my throat to get rid of the dryness before answering swiftly with a short, "I'll let you know. See you!"
And I was on my way again. This time without any interruptions. I didn't know if that was good or bad.
My body tensed some more when I saw him, leaning against his truck. I let out a shaky breath, my stomach ache subsiding a little bit.
He broke out in a grin when he saw me approaching and my heart broke a little at the thought of our upcoming conversation. "Hey," he greeted me and bend down to kiss my cheek. I was so ashamed that I couldn't make eye contact as I mirrored his greeting minus the kiss. "So, what's on your mind?"
I bit the inside of my cheek once I dared to look at him. He cocked his head to the side, his gaze sweeping over my features. I couldn't do this! I sighed and fumbled with the strap of my bag. "Liz?"
Briefly, I closed my eyes at his tone of voice. He sounded so concerned. Maybe I should abort the mission. It's for the better, my subconscious reminded me.
"Liz, what's going on?"
"I need to tell you something." This time I managed to gaze up at him.
"Okay. I can drive you somewhere and we can talk about it over coffee or something." He opened the passenger door for me. I was rooted in place.
"We should stop seeing each other."
His features twisted into a frown. He slammed the door shut. "What?"
I didn't answer, knowing that he heard me the first time. My gaze slid to the floor. "Why?"
I sighed and closed my eyes for a second. "This is just not working out."
His eyes widened. "Is this because of our last date. Look if I crossed a line I'm-"
I shook my head. "It's not-" It's not you.
He took a step closer. "Was it something I said? Did I-"
"It's not your fault, okay? You didn't do anything wrong." This was even harder than I'd imagined. "I just... don't see us working out."
He took another step closer to me. "But this hasn't really started yet how can you just call it off if you're not sure what could become of us?" His eyes had a desperate glint to them, pleading me to overthink my decision.
I shook my head, my heart clenching. "I'm just not the right person for you."
"How can you say that?"
"It's just not right. You need someone-"
"How do you even know what I need or what I want?!" he yelled at me, outraged. His expression matched the volume.
"I-"
"You don't! You can't see inside my head, Liz. Clearly not, because if you could then you would know that I want you!"
I distantly noticed that some team members were joining us, hurrying to get to their cars. I needed to end this before my friends arrived.
He was wrong however he didn't want me. He wanted the idea of me. He wanted my facade.
"I want you, so I can't see why you want to end this here?!"
I forced myself to get the next few words out, even if it hurt me more than it could hurt him. "Because I don't want you!" His whole body froze. "I'm sorry, but I just don't feel it. I don't like you that way. I only like you as a friend." And now I was friendzoning him. This event turned out worse than I'd thought possible. "That's why I pulled back when you tried to kiss me. I just don't see you that way."
His next words came out so quiet I was straining to hear, "I don't believe you."
I did a double take. "What?"
"I don't believe you," he said, his grey eyes staring back at me. His voice was back to normal volume. "I know that you like me. So, why are you lying to me?"
For a moment, I didn't know how to respond. My first thought was to apologize and tell him that I didn't mean any of the things I said, to blame it on my insecurities. But I couldn't turn back now.
"I'm not lying, Sam," I said softly.
"Of course you are. Liz, you don't mean any of the things you just said."
"You're in denial."
"I'm not! You are just not being honest!"
"You can't see inside my head, Sam," I threw his own words back at him, my voice shaking.
For a moment he was petrified. "Liz, don't do this."
"Goodbye, Sam." My voice was something close to a whisper.
I backed away and turned around.
"Liz, please! At least give me a second chance!"
I closed my eyes and let out a shaky breath before walking away. He was acting as if I was punishing him when really I was doing him a favor.
"Liz!" He called after me and something in me fell apart. I kept on walking away from him, forcing myself not to look back. "Liz!" I broke through the imaginary wall that was trying to stop me from moving.
"Liz!"
And kept on walking.