Here's to our Heroes .
Through all the heartaches and the tears, through gloomy days and fruitless years; I do give thanks for now I know, these were the things that helped me grow.
- David Lockett
You'll never be good enough! He's not coming back because he doesn't want to! You're disgraceful! Leading those boys on, for what?! You're not good enough for either of them anyway! Look at you! There's nothing that you could offer of yourself! So sad! Daya left because she didn't want to deal with you, she needed to live happily without. Now she is. You're not good enough!
You're NOT Good enough!
You're NOT Good enough!
You're NOT Good enough!
You're NOT Good enough!
NOT Good enough!
NOT Good enough!
Good enough!
Enough!
Enough!
Enough!
You know those days where you just need to be alone? To think, to cry, to watch old movies with your family, to figure out who you are or who you've become since the beginning of the year or the month even. Well I woke up and I needed today to be that type of day, because I couldn't tell if I was happy or sad. I didn't know if I wanted to jump up and down laughing on my bed or cry and feel empty. But it couldn't just be one reason why I was happy or sad it was a build up. A build up of very good feelings and events and a build of very bad, sad events and feelings. Either way, I woke up to a beautifully sunny and dreary rainy day. I also woke with negative thoughts and bashing myself. I woke up with thoughts of myself that ate at me. With that being said, I planned to stay in and have one of 'those' days.
-----------------
"Mamá! ¿Dónde estás? Te necesito," I yell throughout the house. (Mommy! Where are you? I need you.)
"Aquí mismo, mi hija," My mom says. (Right here, my daughter.)
"¿Qué está mal?" She adds, once she is closer.
"I miss him, all over again. I-I feel, I feel...
I don't know. I miss him," I say breathless and almost crying. She pulls me in her arms, close to tears.
"Maria," She sighs softly, kissing my head.
"I'm sorry, I know this is hard for you too," I say trying to pull out of her arms.
Selfish!
"Hush. We'll get through it together. Like we always do," She says quietly. We walk to the couch and she sits down putting a pillow on her lap. I rest my head on her lap , she begins to play in my hair and my eyes close.
"I know he'll be back soon-" I began.
"Three weeks," She interrupts.
"But then he'll be gone again and he was injured once mom! I don't want him to get hurt out there again or worst. I want him to come home and he can be our hero here. I miss him," I say so quietly that I'd be surprised if my mom even heard me.
"He'll be here in 21 days. I miss him. I miss him more than you could probably understand Maria but I just remember he's not only our hero anymore. So many people need him to be their hero too. So, we cannot be selfish right now. Sure they'll get him for another year but we get to have him forever. 21 days and we get him for the rest of the summer. 365 days after that... we get him forever," She says softly and I know she is hurting. But I know that her faith that we'll get to see him again is stronger than her pain and fears. So I rest on her lap as she tells me about how they met for the hundredth time and I begin to doze off, but not before I hear her make a call.
"Dare, she needs you," She says and pause before she laughs.
I need out.
"You're always doing one of the two, either eating or working out. Get home and we'll have a day together," I hear my mom smile as she talks to my brother and then I'm sleep. -
"Mare,"
"Mare,"
"Mare," I hear Darren call my name as I wake up no longer on my lap but just the couch. I sit up quickly and go into Dare's arms. We hug tightly and he kiss my cheek.
"We need to talk Mare," He says quietly.
I nod.
"Just me and you kid," He adds.
"You and I," I whisper and he nods.
"Come on. Let's get out of here," He let's go off me and grabs my hand.
"But-" I began.
"Mom said we can have our time while she cooks the meals and snacks. When we get back we'll all cuddle up like we always do. Family time," He assures me and I smile as we walk to the door.
"Ma! We're leaving," I yell to her putting my Black Jeffrey Campbell Lita Platform Boots and leather jacket on over my white tee dress.
-
"So what happened that mom called and said you needed me, when she knew I was at the gym. It had to be serious because she knew I'd be back in three hours but she still called," Darren ask as we sit by the willow tree on our bench.
Oh nothing just lil ole Mare being weak again.
"I told her I miss him," I say looking at the scenery ahead of us, grabbing my camera that was wrapped around my neck and took a picture of or view.
"Mare-" Darren begins.
"Is thy selfish? I mean... I know mom miss him more than anyone but-" I stop and shrug.
You're incredibly selfish! He's fighting a war and you're mad at him for what? Doing just that, fighting a war you're too afraid of.
"It's not selfish. We all miss dad. It's okay," He says.
Our dad... about a year and some months ago decided that he no longer wanted to be just our hero but the worlds. He originally wanted to join the Air Force or Marines but he met a recruit for the U.S. Army and by the time he finish his conversation with the recruit and a soldier he decided that, the army was his final decision. It scared the hell out of our families considering that many members on my dads side of the family joined in one of those three options and they became even greater and better people from it but it still had it's effects. He only signed on for two years but he could always say yes and stay longer. That is what scared me most. My fathers a great and caring man, that's why mom fell for him and I know if he felt that his team needed him he'd stayed with them. We couldn't be mad at him because we were proud of him and his bravery. But I miss my hero, even if he would only be saving me from what seemed like insanely small problems compared to the army but he is our soldier. Although he promises us forever... I can't hold him to that promise because he's in the army! That forever could be taken at any moment on the day. I missed him.
"I know we promised to him we'd be okay and we wouldn't hurt because of this but... it's hard not to hurt. It's hard to be okay. It's hard not to be scared. He never said not to miss him but I do, terribly," I say almost frustrated.
He's not coming back. Don't get your hopes up.
"You're mad Mare. It's okay to be hurt and to be sad. I'm sure he misses us just as much as we miss him. If not more," Dare says.
"I am mad! I have every right to be! The letters get shorter, they've been shorter. It's been three months since we've even got a voice chat. Hell, longer since we've had a video chat. I don't like not hearing from him," I say frowning full on and Dare grabs my hand.
"There it goes Mare. Do you understand why I go to the gym or why i go boxing sometimes? Have it even ran pass your mind? I do those things because I'm hurt! I get mad when we read short letters. I'm mad we haven't heard his voice or seen his in so long. I'm mad that all of the soldiers are out being our heroes and we're here being scared for them. I'm hurt that our hero, our dad isn't with us. I'm sad my dad hasn't met the girl I've fallen in love with. He hasn't watched you grow so much into a young beautiful woman in the past year and that makes me really sad. I'm sad and hurt he won't see me graduate. I put all of that anger, sadness and hurt into the gym, into boxing. Not because I'm mad at him or the world or even the army, but because he won't be here because he's being brave for the rest of us and he shouldn't have to. None of them should have to or even want to carry that much responsibility for this beautifully fucked up world but they do. That makes me so unbelievable proud but at the same time so excruciatingly sad. I need you to understand that," He says wiping a tear away from my face, holding my other hand still.
"I-I am proud of him. Undeniably. That just doesn't change the fact that I miss him," I say laying my head down on his shoulder.
But does he miss you?
"Just think about all the great things we'll do when he gets back. He wouldn't want go see his daughter tear swollen eyes and stained cheeks. He's going to see his smiling little Maria and although he's the bravest of us all he's gonna call you his brave and beautiful little girl," I can feel Darren's smile and I smile too.
"He's going to be so damn proud of you when he gets back Dare. You have truly been my rock. I hate that description though. You've been much more than that phrase is worth. You've been a big brother, a best friend, a father figure, a secret keeper kind of like a diary, my safe haven, my pillow. You've wiped so many tears away and you've been so resilient. You are an hero Dare. You've truly been my hero big brother and not just for the year but probably my whole life. I love you very much and I am very proud of you. You're a man to be proud of and I hope you're proud of yourself. I know mom is," I say looking up at him, I see his eyes are filled with tears but he is smiling and I hug him tightly.
So many people wonder why Darren and I are so close, why he's so protective of me. They don't understand that although our father when he was home was our glue, he always kept us close knitted. My relationship with my father is very tight. I can go to him about everything (excluding that womanly time of the stupid month that Eve besotted upon us) and know that he'll be there. I can watch movies and sports with him. We have days where it'll be just Maria and dad days and not many people get to say that about their fathers. So being able to say that about mine is something I cherish and feel very grateful for. So when he left, me and Darren's bond only got deeper, because we needed each other and we were there for each other.
You're too reliant. Stop holding on to things that hold you up and start holding yourself up. He won't always be there to baby-steps you. Be independent you dependent!
"Thank you, Mare. I know you didn't say it to get a thanks from me but... thank you. I guess I needed to hear that," He says softly, I smile and nod understanding.
We take a few pictures and then we head back home to mom.
Home? You're suppose to be happy there right? But what if home is where you feel the saddest? What if you don't consider where your belongings sit and your head rest a home? What if home is a person and home isn't with you yet? Does it make you homeless at heart? Because after all material things have no meaning, right? Home.
-
"¿Como están mis bebés?," My mom says holding Darren's hand while laying her head on his shoulder and my head resting on the pillow in her lap again. (How are my babies?)
I'm fine. But fine could be a bad thing. It could mean that no I'm not good or okay I'm sad, I'm hurting but I'll just hide it until it goes away. If it ever does...
"We're good," I smile.
"That so," She asks.
"Yes. You said she needed me ma. Truth is, when needed each other. We needed a moment together I guess," Dare says as I rest a hand on theirs.
I loved that my mother always kept our Hispanic roots alive, always mixing our languages. My father although he wasn't Hispanic was very fluent in three other languages other than English; Spanish, Latin and French. So he was okay with our first language not being English.
I giggled.
"What," Dare asks.
"I wonder if dad will have to sharpen up on his languages again," I laugh and they join in.
"I doubt it. Dad is an overachiever," Dare says and I smile knowing he's right.
"21 days. Right ma," I say assuringly.
"21 days," She says softly.
If he decides to come back.
"He's coming home to you," Dare kisses her head and she smiles.
"He's coming home to us," She corrects.
"I bet I could kick both of your butts at Just Dance right now," I say lightening the mood and in a bolt we're all running to the game room laughing.
"I can't believe mom beat us to the room Dare," I laugh laying on the ground as they start the game up.
"Once a dedicated gamer, always a dedicated gamer. Right," She laughs.
"You sound like dad when he bought COD. You're addicted," Dare jokes.
"Psh," Mom says and we begin to play.
This happiness won't last. You see these joyful times have their limits. And your joyrides almost up.
-
"Booow down! Girls always win Dare! Always," I say jumping around Dare with mom when we score above him in Just Dance ten times in a row. Dare picks me up and drops me on the couch tickling me.
"Stop the tickling violence! I repeat stop the tickling. Code red! Dare, I'm going-" Mom begins although she's laughing. Before she could even finish her last sentence Dare was up and out. Our guess was that he was upstairs eating the tamales or Pepinos Cón Chilé y Limón (Cucumbers with Chile and Lime).
"About these boys in your life Maria," Mom begins and I groan.
"I wasn't even thinking of them mamà. They haven't been on my mind all day. I was liking the feeling," Although I'm not pleased with her bringing it up I sit down on the couch with her smile when she laughs.
"I know. I just wanted an update on how you were doing," She says patting my knee.
"Well I won't say their names. But best friend... well we're being just that. Friends. He says he knows what he wants and he'll wait for me or at least let me figure out what it is that I want. Trust me mom I know he won't wait forever. I wouldn't allow him to wait on me for long anyway. Are feelings are clear and in the open though. New boy... is undecided. We have a date coming up soon, our first one. I suppose that'll determine things for us. I promise I won't jump in a relationship, we'll go on many dates before any relationship begins. If that date goes well we'll be officially dating then," I say assuringly.
"Very well though out. I'm rooting for your happiness love," She smiles before coughing out a name and I laugh.
"Ma! You can't be biased. You haven't even met new boy yet," I giggle.
"I don't have to meet him. I know Ray's heart. But you're right I won't be biased. I'll just wait to meet him," She says softly and I smile knowing she has a soft spot for my guy best friend. I know it's a bit ridiculous that I won't say his name but if I do... no. I don't want to think about him right now.
"How is Daya while we're on the topic of best friends," she asks.
"She great. Maybe when she FaceTime tonight we'll all talk to her," I suggest and mom nods.
"I'm going to check on your brother before he eats all the food up. Go change into some sleepwear and we'll go to the movie room and have a little sleep over. But shhh don't tell Dare that's what we're calling it or he'll back out," She smiles at me and I nod. She walks out of the room and I lay back on the couch smiling softly.
Getting up I decide to upload the pictures so I can put them on my wall. As I put the pictures on my wall, I smile.
I often go through these days feeling like I'm not good enough for the world but when I'm spending time with my family, I feel undeniably loved and like I'm more than enough for them and all those negative thoughts are just that. They're bullshit thoughts that have depth to them other than to make me feel less than myself. Just then my phone buzzes with a text from Daya.
Daya : I know when my best friend is down and I'm not even close to ya. I'm all the way in Florida and I know you're beating yourself up. Not only because Dare told me. (Lol :)) Not because Ray called me worried about you. But because you promised to call me, to wake me up to your beautiful voice today and you didn't. You didn't even try to send a cute sorry voicemail (not that you even attempted to call) or text message. You simply went MIA, AWOL on me today. So read this text very carefully missy. I LOVE YOU! You ARE WORTH everything in this world, in this country, on this continent, on this planet! You are kind and unselfish. You are beyond beautiful and gorgeous. You not only make yourself beautiful with your personality but me as well because of your radiance and your perseverance. You are wise and very talented. You are a hero to me, you save me many times rather you know it or not. Your father would be crazy if he wasn't proud of you! Because you make me proud everyday, you are worth it. He's coming back to you guys. You are worth it so I don't want to here another whisper or mumble of it come from your mouth again. You are my sister. Being a honorary sister means tough love but I don't have any of that in me right now for you. I need you to believe in yourself the way I believe in you, if not even more than me darling. I love you, you are worth it and the world is not prepared for you because your more than enough for it. So stop letting all those negative thoughts get to you. Before I hop on a plane and tickle them out of you... and we all know you don't want that. Right? I love you Mare bear. (Don't hit me for that when I get back, please?! I was feeling sentimental. I'll let you call me by nickname if it makes you feel better.)
By the end of her over the phone speech I am crying happy tears. Why? Because not only was she able to hit the problem on the target but she was able to that and still be in Florida. She was able to be my best friend even when she was far away and that made me happy. I put the pictures on my wall, grabbed my Polaroid and went to join in with my mom and brother. We eat our snacks and play our games then were off to the movie room watching comedies. I offer to get some more popcorn and before leaving the room I turn around, looking at my small little family...
Looking at my brother and mother laughing with big smiles on their faces, I take a Polaroid picture and quickly walk to my room outing it on my wall of memories and I join them again. This time ending my day the way it should have started; smiling. But I guess I needed today. It was definitely one of "those days."
"I feel like myself, strong and weak at once - allowed, at least for a little while, to be both."
- Veronica Roth
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I wanted this chapter to make us (girls) feel empowered and strong so.... YAY GIRLS!! I also needed this chapter to be realistic and show that Maria character isn't just sunshiny and in love or in lust or happy, she struggles with her emotions, with her family and even with herself & I think I did a damn good job with portraying that in this chapter. You got to learn more about her and her relationships with her family & the events that's made her struggle with her emotions. You get to read and feel her sadness in a way but you have the Real Maria now. You also see why she and her brother, Darren are so closely bonded.
Question;
Who's your hero? Why?
xx Bri
Who loves The 1975?!?!? That song gets me every time. (The story behind makes it 10x more important)