Sarah:
Why the hell did I even bother? Whatever, I didn’t need to hear the same answer twice. But I just doubted his reply for some reason. Even he noticed my disbelief towards such. All I could get out of my system was, “You’re such a jackass. You know, if you don’t love me, then just stop teasing and playing around. Leave me alone. Stop giving me the wrong idea.” That’s when I push him out the door, slam it shut behind him, and flop on my bed, turning my phone on to text Seth.
Hey, Seth, get me out of the house…
Why, something wrong?
Just pick me up. I’ll fill you in later.
All right, give me about ten minutes, okay?
Yeah, okay…
Funny how he comes right at my doorstep in exactly ten minutes, but that’s Seth for you. Opening my door, I knew that the first question I’d be asked was “Are you okay?” but I didn’t want to talk about it here, so I drag him outside, letting him drive me to some place—I didn’t really care where. We ended up at his place.
* * * *
In his room, I flopped on his bed, inhaling his scent that was all too familiar to me. I can’t really describe it, but I just know it’s his scent. Seth placed a hand on my head, stroking my hair as he asked, “What’s wrong?”
I gave a shrug and a groan, not particularly wanting to talk about this since I realized that tiny detail I felt wasn’t a good idea mentioning. If I’m going to talk about this, I’d have to tell him that Leon said he loves me—and twice today, he told me that it was the alcohol speaking. It may not seem that bad to talk about it, but if I seriously talked to him about this, it’d indicate that I was bothered with the fact that Leon doesn’t love me. Not something you’d want to mention to your boyfriend.
Seriously though, why do I care in the first place? I didn’t want to answer that question. It’s so easy, but I don’t want it to get to me. Why the hell does it matter? I love Seth….right? Great, now I doubt it. This can’t be a good sign at all. When Seth asks again what’s wrong, I veer off the topic, sitting up, replying a little too cheerily, “Oh, nothing’s wrong!”
Seth raised a brow. “You said that you’d fill me in on details; something must’ve happened. And it’s got to do with Leon?” I nodded. “No wonder. So what happened?”
Vehemently shaking my head, I answer quickly, and the words sounding all mush together, it sounding more like:
“NothinghappenedwhatmakesyouthinkanythinghappeneditsnotanythingbadSethsodon’tworryonebitit’sjustourtypicalfightnothingstrangebesidesIdon’tthinkgit’dbewisetotellyouwhathappenedanywayso”—
“God, slow down!” Seth interrupted. Grabbing me by the shoulders with worry, he stared at me with those hazel eyes of his that never averted my gaze. “Answer me, much slower. What. Happened?”
“Nothing,” I answered a little too abruptly.
He rolled his eyes. “When you’re speaking ninety miles an hour? I think not, Sarah. What happened? What did he do to you?”
“I’m not comfortable talking about this…” I mumbled.
“And why not?” he asked, getting irritated by the minute.
“Just because…”
“Sarah, you can tell me anything. I promise I won’t get mad—I won’t go overboard.” Yeah right. Eventually he’s going to freak when he sees that I only wanted to talk to him because of how I’m feeling towards Leon saying his love for me isn’t true.
“He…said…loves me…but…alcohol speaking,” I murmured, hardly getting any of the other words out.
“Wait, what? Speak louder for crying out loud!”
Taking a deep breath, I knew I had to spout out the truth. God, I could never lie or keep anything, could I? “Remember when I told you that I had to pick up Leon last night?” I didn’t wait for an answer, however, I continued, “Well…he was drunk enough to be puking his guts out… I tried to help him out and we were fighting—arguing—over why he had to put himself through such a mess. He kept contradicting himself. One moment he wanted me there, the next he’s telling me to abandon him because I hate him anyway. He kept telling me that I’m killing him on the inside. He was confusing me. And in the midst of all that, he confesses that he loves me!”
“He said”—
“Yeah…I wasn’t sure because he was drunk—but the way he talked to me at that moment seemed like he sobered up some.” I paused, taking a breather. “Then…this morning…I asked if he really did love me; he said that it was the alcohol speaking…and”—
“Leon said that?” I gave a nod of my head and I could’ve sworn that under his breath he cursed, “Damn retard—bastard… Well isn’t that a good thing? He doesn’t love you. It shouldn’t bother you.”
However it did. It bothered me like hell… I wanted to tell that to him, but how would he react? “But…everyday he gives me mixed signals,” I blurted out. I wanted to stop my words—the words I was so aching Seth wouldn’t have to hear—but they just escaped my lips. “One day he’ll treat me like I’m precious—be so protective—and I’d be a stupid fool and actually let him in. And I mean let him get closer to me… The next thing I know, he’s warping me back to our childhood… I just don’t know the truth—I can’t help but doubt that it was the alcohol speaking. It couldn’t be true because just before I called you, he opened up to me, telling me why he’s such a jackass. When I put my mind to it, I think that maybe he lied about his confession being false. God, I don’t know what to think!”
Seth remained silent the whole way, and by the look on his face, I immediately recognized the emotion he held: anger, jealousy, pain, hurt, dejection. And it pained me to see that yet it hurt to hear Leon saying over and over that his love for me isn’t real. Seth placed a hand on mine; intertwining our fingers, he rubbed the back of my hand with his thumb as he asked in a husky and tight voice, “Does it bother you that much?”
Pressing my lips together, I hesitated. I watched his expression change from concerned, to pained, to furious, and then back to being pained. God, I was being so—so cruel! Even his eyes expressed those words to me. You’re cruel…
“Yes…” I managed to say.
That’s when he stops rubbing the back of my hand and asks, “Then do you”—
“God no!” retorted I, cutting him of for I knew just what he was going to ask. “I hate him; you know that!”
“Then why does it bother you?”
“I don’t know!” I answered, getting more and more confused with every minute I mull over this.
“You don’t know…” he repeated in a tone that sounded like he knew the exact meaning behind those words. That’s when he released his grip on my hand and stood from his bed. “You’re so…” his voice trailed off.
“I’m so…what, Seth?” I ask, practically demanding an answer. However, he shook his head in response, ignoring my question.
After a long moment of silence of waiting for him to speak, he finally asked, “Is this really what you want?” Cocking my head to the side in confusion, he sighed, clarifying it for me, “Are you really okay with this arrangement we have?”
“Of course, Seth!” replied I.
Seth gave off a weak smile. That smile never meant anything good—I know; I’ve seen it before. “I really hope so…” was all he said before lying back on his bed. “Is that all you wanted to talk about?” I nod. “Do you want to…go out on a date today?”
After giving it some thought, I decline the offer. “I’m sorry…I’m just not up for a date…” He shrugged, not daring to look at me in the eye. “Seth,” I began slowly. When he turned to face me, I ask, “Is everything all right?”
“Yeah, I’m fine, Sarah.”
Lie.
I knew it was a lie before he forced up a smile. Unintentionally pouting, he persists, “Really, I’m fine.”
“No you’re not,” I interrupted. “You’re not all right. Nothing’s all right.”
“Please don’t start this,” he groaned.
“And why not?” asked I. He didn’t respond. “You’re upset, so stop lying, Seth. Just tell me what’s wrong?” However, he shook his head. “Why won’t you tell me?”
“Because what I’m about to say is extremely selfish of me, that’s why.”
That’s when it clicked in my head. Obviously he was upset with my rambling on Leon—but I pretty much noticed this way before now. An “I’m sorry,” was all I could muster.
“Do you have any idea how cruel you are—to me and Leon?” I didn’t have to think about that question; I already knew. I nodded.
By that time, he’s pressed his lips onto mine, giving me a soft kiss, but it felt different to me. I don’t know, but I just didn’t feel anything—it seemed like a bland kiss. What did that mean? Just a few days ago I was so into our kisses, but now it seemed to have died down. That’s why I broke the kiss first, deciding to change the subject. “I’ve always wondered about this, but if you’ve seriously loved me for quite a long time, why did you date other girls during that time?”
Seth heaved a sigh. “I was trying to get over you because you wouldn’t look my way.”
I pressed my forehead against his, whispering, “I am now.”
He held a weak smile, but I could read his thoughts from the way his eyes expressed their emotion. You’re being so cruel right now… It’s like you’re leading me on. Was I though? Was I leading him on? I wasn’t so sure of myself.
“Care to elaborate on that?” I ask, insisting to hear more.
He gave a small chuckle as he answered, “I did all I could for four years, trying to get you to feel the same way. What would you do if the one you love wouldn’t look at you in that way after doing so much for years? Of course, you’d give up and try to move on. So I did. I went and dated other girls who I liked, but eventually, I just couldn’t be with them anymore. I just couldn’t stand it. I still wanted you. So after dating girls for four years, I gave up and tried to get your attention. The day I broke up with Lily just so happened to be the day before Leon came and reentered your life.”
“So basically…you still wanted to get over me and date other girls even after you broke up with Lily?” I asked. He gave a hesitant nod.
“When Leon came into the picture, there was one thing I definitely didn’t want: I didn’t want that bastard to win your heart. I didn’t realize how much I really didn’t want to lose you to any other guy—most especially Leon. I just felt like I had a chance.”
“You do realize I never dated up until you, right?”
“What about”—
“That two class period relationship doesn’t count in my book.” I bit my lip, thinking what else to say, but all I could do was apologize for my stupidity, “I’m sorry… I’m blind about a lot of things.”
“Like hell, you are,” he teased. “You don’t have to apologize though, jeez.”
Not being able to think of what else to say or do, I slide off his bed and tell him, “I think I’ll just go home—I’ll walk.” He raised his brows, but I assured him, “I’ll be fine.”
* * * *
By the time I got home, I was immediately tackled by Leanne and Sophia. “Oh my God, we missed you, Sarah!” Sophia squealed. When she pulled away from me, she asked in her typical high-pitched voice, “So is it true that you’re dating Seth?” Nodding, she gave another squeal, “Yes! Finally! It’s about time!” Before I could ask, she answered, “Seth told us.”
I gave off an awkward smile, but when I looked off to see Leanne, she held a disapproving expression. Before I could bother to ask, she shook her head. “It’s really sweet you two are going out,” was all she said…in a curt voice, too.
“It’s been like forever since we’ve seen you—Christmas, yeah?”
“Eleven days,” I said.
She rolled her eyes, “Nerd.” We let out a laugh. “Well, we just wanted to see you before school tomorrow. It was just killing us without having you and Seth with us! Speaking of which, where is he?”
“He’s at home. I just came back from there.”
“What happened?” she asked, sliding to my side, eyebrows raised, “What went on?”
“Nothing…but”—
“But…? Hmm…?” Her voice was expectant. You see, this was why I initially didn’t want to mention certain events. I’m going to have to answer because she’s persistent as hell.
Heaving a sigh, I replied, “When he asked me out—the night he confessed to me and all that—we were pretty close to doing it. I mean, we still had clothes on, but I almost lost it.”
Sophia let out a gasp of both shock and excitement. “What happened to the innocent Sarah who said she wouldn’t have sex until she’s married?”
“Shut up! I totally forgot at the time!”
“I bet you did,” she said teasingly. “Still…you’re so lucky…”
“Why?”
“Why you ask? Don’t play dumb, Sarah! You’ve got the two hottest guys who’ve loved you for a long time, wanting to vie for your love! Any girl would kill to be in your place. It’s like if it doesn’t work with one hottie, you’ve got the other one there for you. Hell, you could end up with both—but you don’t roll that way. You prefer having a couple kind of relationship. All that could happen…unless you screw everything up and end up losing them both.”
I rolled my eyes—typical Soph. “Whatever—you know I don’t look at things the same way you do.”
“Oh, yeah, I’ve always known that!” she chirped. “So…did you say that you love him back?” When I hesitate, she gasps, “You haven’t?”
“The whole point of this relationship is to help me realize how I really see Seth as.”
“That’s really reckless of you, you know that?” Leanne interjected. I swear, her icy cold stare was scaring me.
“What do you”—
Leanne cut me off again, “Do you even realize how much harder you’re making things? It’s not making things any easier, Sarah! Get that straight in your head. I swear, I’ve got to slap some sense into you—as well as Seth and Leon. God damn it.” Before she could go any further with her rambling, she calmed herself down. “Just forget it. You do what you want. Just don’t complain to me when you start getting all sad and guilty when someone gets hurt by the end of this just-checking-on-my-feelings relationship.”
And with that, she walked out the house, Sophia reluctantly following her out, bidding me goodbye, saying that we’ll see each other tomorrow.