I drove myself to the University early that Saturday morning. I had to be there at 7:30 for my graduation ceremony starting at 9AM.
Five years had passed in a blink. A Bachelors of Fine Arts and a teacher's certificate. So much hard work and yet if felt like I'd just arrived with Katie, laughing as we'd dragged my stuff up to that first freshman dorm room and crying as she'd left for the airport.
She wouldn't be there. No one was coming. I tried not to dwell on that. I'd earned this moment with every late night, every project, every hour of internship.
I slipped the stuff I needed in my pockets then I pulled the gown on, the gold cord over that. I pinned the cap in place with bobby pins using the rearview mirror. Fresh lipstick.
Showtime.
The auditorium was full by 8:30. The crowd buzz was overwhelming. It was all so surreal.
As I stepped up and handed my card to the reader and then crossed over the stage as I heard my name: Alicia St Georges. Posed for two pictures. Sat back down.
I did it. Finish line.
Then I felt my phone chirp. And again. And then again a few minutes later.
You know, under my gown... in the pocket of my sundress.
The whole ceremony lasted just under 2 and a half hours. As as it ended, I dug out my phone and checked my texts.
A congratulations from Katie. Another from my dad.
And then...a picture of me? Onstage? From Jeb?
*way to rock the big black dress*
I turned around and looked up at the audience. Left, right, scanning. OhMyGod. OhMyGOD! Is he here?
*straight ahead*
There he was, standing just outside the graduate area with Levi in his arms.
I ran to them.
"How did you even....?"
I never thought to invite them. Paper marriage, traumatized toddler?
But there they were.
I kissed Levi and felt Jeb's arm snake around my shoulders in a half hug. I fought back tears.
"It wasn't a state secret," he whispered in my ear. "Congratulations."
I buried my face against his chest. "Thank you."
He squeezed me again and then we headed outside.
We managed to step in behind Naomi and her parents. I'd met them a couple of times when we'd lived together.
She looked back at us over her shoulder, her eyes widening at the sight of Levi. Then she mouthed "bitch" and turned away.
Jeb raised his eyebrows at me and I shrugged.
The house looked like we'd been living with monkeys. No time for celebrations - as Levi slept, Jeb and I cleaned and finished organizing all the stuff - much still in boxes or Target bags. I unpacked a few of my things and we put the rest in the storage room behind the carport.
Jeb grabbed a glass of ice water and downed it in a couple of gulps. "I think we're ready."
"Yep," I agreed, grabbing one for myself.
We got out the paperwork and I made notes: Gayle's schedule, security and passwords and the paperwork. We synced our contact phone numbers. I'd bought some picture frames and tucked in photos from our wedding and of Levi and the rest of the family. It was the last touch.
The next morning, the airport service came for Jeb early. He gave Levi a last kiss on the head and pulled his duffel over his shoulder. It was spitting rain outside so he jogged to the waiting car quickly. He never looked back.
Even so, I waved goodbye.
The thunderstorm set in and stuck over us the rest of the day so Levi and I just stayed home. It went well until Levi out of a sound sleep near midnight and it took more than two hours to get him back down. He woke back up again soon after.
Maybe it was Jeb being gone but that child ran me ragged all night.
Gayle arrived as scheduled at 8 the next morning and, I swear to God, I handed Levi to her before she'd even gotten all the way in the door and closed her umbrella.
"You look like shit."
"Feel like shit. Good night," I waved heading to my room.
"Sleep tight!" She called after me, slipping Levi on her hip.
She nodded and left. The next two mornings were pretty much the same. Levi wasn't sleeping well at night.
On Thursday morning, the social worker finally made her appearance. I barely looked human and the visit lasted maybe 45 minutes - including time to make copies for her in Jeb's office and explaining the Nest/IFTTT system Jeb had used to install the security and stuff.
"I heard on the Internet that it plays games," she said, holding her binder and umbrella and peering at the glowing speaker.
"Yes," I nodded and taught her how. She was delighted when the computerized voice told her a knock-knock joke.
After she left, I immediately called Jeb.
"They just started drilling. We've got protesters. Protesters at a private home build!" He was aggrieved.
"Do they have signs and stuff?"
"Yeah, actually. And there's a news van," I could almost hear him shaking his head in frustration. "We've got security patrolling the safety fence."
"I don't get it. Why?"
"The property borders a waterfall in the forest preserve. The neighborhood group is concerned that the construction will damage it and the habitats around it."
"Will it?"
"No. Absolutely not. And I don't think this is even about the waterfall. The front of the house will be on the top of the hill, really obvious and really modernist and that's upsetting their upscaled log-cabin, plaid-wearing, latte-drinking-in-a-deer-blind sensibilities."
"But tell me how you really feel."
"And maybe if Marco's last name was O'Reilly or Anderson..."
I inhaled. "You think?"
"I don't know," he sighed. "Personally? I wouldn't move here. Then again, I don't like snow all that much. But Marco and Maggie love this land and designed their dream house here so we'll make it happen. I'm already sick of it. Uh, tell me what happened with the social worker."
"You were right, she didn't care. She wanted no details and barely glanced at the pictures. She just copied the papers and filled out a form."
"Yeah, that's how they roll. All right, see you tomorrow."
"Yeah, see you."
After we hung up, I texted Gayle to cover while we were in court. Then it was another sleepless night with Levi.
The next day, Jeb texted the bad news: he couldn't get back yet. The drilling was going slower than expected. They were going to push through Saturday to complete it so they didn't have to reschedule the blasting. He apologized with a couple of hysterical GIFs. He also sent a funny picture of the security guards that were spending nights with him at the site. I sent a funny picture of Levi trying to eat an entire apple instead of waiting for me to cut it up.
On Saturday morning I sent him a picture of grumpy overtired Levi.
He replied *ha ha wish I was there.*
*Me2!!* I agreed.
*he still not sleeping?*
I answered with a meme:
He sent about a dozen "lol" emojis.
Saturday night I sent him a video of Levi screaming 'baba' over and over at the top of his lungs while waving around a sippy cup in each hand. At 2AM!
*full distance parenting experience* I texted.
*lucky you don't need beauty sleep*
*flattery will not get you anywhere*
Jeb finally walked through the door late Sunday morning as I was pulling together an early lunch. "Hey!"
"Hey! We could of picked you up at the airport!"
"Actually, Jay met me. We're taking Levi and Trip to open play at a bouncy house place he knows."
"Jay's here?" I peaked out the window.
"Yeah. I feel bad about yesterday and the last few nights," Jeb gathered Levi up in his arms. Levi grinned in recognition. "You need a real break. I've got it covered until tomorrow morning, OK? Just relax, have a nice day." He picked up the diaper bag and a little sweatshirt.
"Um...sure...."
And he was gone.
I watched out the window as they drove away, totally confused. What had just happened?
He really didn't come back.
The weather had turned freakishly hot for late May - almost 95f. I put on a light sundress and took myself to the movies where it was cool and I could watch movie without someone needing a diaper change in the middle.
One of my school friends texted back that she was free for dinner after work so we decided to meet at the food court. I was early, just wandering around and looking at the options. It felt so good to be able to wear a shoe on that foot again and to walk almost normally.
Then I caught them out of the corner of my eye.
Turned, not even realizing what I was seeing. Then it hit me like a cold knife sliding down my spine.
Jeb and some girl, at a table in the food court. Holding hands.
I froze stiff.
This wasn't happening to me. Not again.
I stared at his face, at his arm, at the place where his hand was entwined with hers on the table. I couldn't see if his ring was still on. I couldn't see her face.
I just saw Jeb.
And he saw her. His eyes were locked on her face like none of the rest of us existed.
I shivered.
I told myself to walk away. I screamed at myself to turn and run. Because that's what I do. That's how I handle conflict. That's Alice, who hides in a rabbit hole from the things she doesn't like.
But for some reason, I didn't turn. I didn't run.
I reached for my ring and slid it of my finger.
Stepping slowly, deliberately, I approached their table and gently put it in front of Jeb.
He looked up at me, startled as he realized who I was.
"You were right. I was wrong," I told him, ignoring the woman sitting behind me. "I'll see you tomorrow morning."
And then I walked straight to the exit.
He didn't follow.