Grace POV
I feel groggy I’m trying to wake up but I can’t seem to wake up. Flashes keep going through, every single bit of abuse I suffered, each memory is like I am reliving the pain, reliving the emotions, all the words, every slap, punch, kick, torture, every rape. The pain is unbearable it is like everything is doubled though, my pain is doubled. I relive the court case it’s like every feeling every emotion I felt during that case is doubled, the fear is doubled it is hard to process. I remember the gunshot and Seeing Daddy. I want to wake up I don’t like this feeling it is all to much can hear voices it sounds like Mummy and Daddy they want me to wake up. I’m trying as hard as I can all the sudden I feel sick my head is pounding and my heart goes fast all the sudden I feel my body convulsing then everything goes black.
I hear singing I can hear Mum and dad sing Gracie’s girl, they sound sad. I need to wake up I want to wake up. I feel hands holding mine I try and squeeze them but nothing happens I try again there is pain in my arm but it worked. I start trying to open my eyes after about 5 minutes they finally open I quickly close them again as the light is bright. I hear someone rush somewhere I open my eyes again this time the light is so bright.
“Omg Omg Gracie your awake” I hear mum says all the sudden she is standing and I can see her, she looks tired and skinny I want a hug I want to feel safe I try to hold my arms up my left arm won’t move I think she gets the message and starts hugging me and kissing my face she keeps saying I love you. I look around for Dad he is watching with tears in his eyes he also looks tired. I give him a smile and he runs over as well. I remember the dream thing I had. My whole body starts to ache it starts getting unbearable I whimper leaves my lips mum and Dad pull back looking worried.
“What’s the matter baby girl/Princess” they both ask at the same time. I give a little smile but I feel a tear roll down my cheek
“It hurts” I manage to say talking is painful.
“I’ll go and get the doctor” Dad says kissing my forehead and leaving mum sits on the bed and strokes my cheek softly I move my head slightly into her hand causing her to smile I don’t care how painful it was I need the comfort.
“I’m so happy your awake baby I missed you so much” mum says softly.
“good afternoon miss Tomlinson, your Father tells me that you are in pain can you tell me where the pain it” the doctor ask I get a little scared, Mum rubs circles on my hand.
“Everywhere hurts” I say just above a whisper tears roll down my face again.
“That’s fairly unusual, did you have any dreams or something before you woke up?” he ask me he seems a little curios
“Yea” I say I want the pain to stop, I look at Dad with pleading eyes.
“Sorry to interrupt doctor but can you please do something to stop her pain before you continue to question her” dad says slightly irritated. I am thankful for him.
“Sorry Mr Tomlinson first I need to run a few test first then I promise I will give her pain relief. Grace I need to test you relaxes, you had a seizure I need to do some checks to make sure there is no side effects.” He says I give s little nod, that hurt more than talking I want the pain to be gone
“What’s your name?”
“Grace Lee Tomlinson” I say Dad moves over to my other side and holds my hand looking at me as if to say sorry.
“Age and Date of birth”
“7 27 July 2006” I say
“ok now I need to check you reflexes first I will shine a light in your eyes, then I will touch your toes I need you to tell me if you can feel it, I will tap your knee and check your arm reflexes” he tells me everything he does hurts so bad I start to cry when he shines the light in my eyes but he keeps doing his test
“Shh princess I know it hurts just be brave it will be over soon” dad coos in my ear he tries to sooth me by gently rubbing my face.
“Ok everything seems to be working in young lady now let’s do something about the pain” the doctor says before adding something to my drip before he walks out.
“Your so brave baby girl, are you up for some visitors?” Mum says not really but I suppose I really should I give a little nod. Mum gets up and walks out I watch her for a second.
“I love you so much princess please never ever scare me and your Mummy like that again” Dad says to me I look at him he looks tired, I realize that I want Daddy cuddles
“Daddy can you lay with me” I ask he looks a little unsure at some of the wires but carefully climbs next to me I hold him tightly we just lay there hugging.
“I love you daddy I’m sorry for scaring you” I whisper he doesn’t say anything just holds me a little tighter and kisses my head. I feel safe I hate hospitals but knowing Mum and Dad are here it makes me feel a little safer.
They said they would protect you, they said they wouldn’t let anything happen to you in the court, look where you are in hospital after been shot, they don’t love you they are trying to get rid of you, Gloria is right you are worthless, you are a nothing
The voices are back, they might be right though they did say I was safe but I’m not, I feel so confused right now.
“Hey look who’s awake” I hear a voice say from the door I look over and see my uncle and Aunty Perrie I give them a little smile . They all walk over and one by one give me a little hug and a kiss Dad moves of the bed and I get comfy again.
“How you feeling kitten?” Uncle Harry ask me. Well considering I got shot and apparently had a fit I would say not so well
“I’m ok” I say instead I start to feel a bit sleepy and it scares me a little bit, if I full asleep I’m scared I won’t wake, this will be a deeper sleep because of the drugs, it has happened before. The others are all in their own conversations I look around for mum I see her at the foot of the bed I catch her eye and she quickly comes to my side.
“Mummy when can I go home I don’t like it here” I ask her I feel really lethargic
“Not until tomorrow sweetie, are you feeling tired?” mum says I let out a sigh and nod at mum what am I going to do now I don’t think I can keep myself awake.
“If you tired baby go to sleep” mum says I shake my head to scared to sleep don’t want the dreams to come back that I struggle to wake from.
“What are you scared of baby girl?” Mum ask me I give a little smile she knows me well I just shrug thinking that my thought and fears are stupid.
“well baby girl get some sleep me and your Dad, you uncles and Aunty will be right here baby nothing to be scared of” Mum says I look at the others who have moved closer to the bed they all nod saying they will be here I realize that they all look really tired . I’m still not to convince I feel some slide next to me on the bed I look and see Mum I instantly snuggle into her as my eyes get more and heavier.
“I missed my Gracie cuddles I love you” Is the last thing I hear before I succumb to sleep.
I get to go home today Mum and Dad stayed with me again last night it is currently 9am so far I have had a lady here showing me some arm exercises to do they really hurt but apparently it will make them better, I have had a doctor change the dressing and show mum and Dad how to clean it, check for infection and re dress it he gives them some medicines and some water proof dressings. It is now time for a shower I slowly stand up my legs are weak from lack of use. Unfortunately the doctor said that Mum and or Dad will have to assist me in showering/ bathing for a few days as I am rather weak I choose Mummy to help me she helps me walk to the bathroom, I’m scared about having someone in here why I shower. She helps me take my shirt of and my pants I feel exposed and try to cover my body, try to cover all my scars all my shame the fat stomach.
“hey baby girl there is no need to be ashamed you are truly beautiful don’t hide your beautiful self baby, your scars are stories of the battle you fought and won baby don’t be ashamed, you won and they didn’t be proud like me and you Dad are of you” mum says I look at her before I just wait for her to start the shower, feeling a little less uncomfortable she nods to tell me that it is ready. I stand under the water it is so nice and warm, I slowly put my whole body under, ignoring the fact the water is going over my face I am getting used to it.
“Baby girl ill wash your hair for you” Mum says I give a slight nod moving towards her a bit so she can wash my hair. She starts to shampoo my hair massaging my scalp lightly it feels nice and comforting I rinse it out before she adds the conditioner she combs it through before she passes me some body wash I scrub start to scrub my body but I am feeling weak still I turn and look at mum
“Mummy can you help I’m really tired” I say to her carefully still slightly afraid.
“Of course baby girl come here” she says taking the sponge with the body wash of me and gently cleaning me I am scared but I know Mummy will never hurt me she is too nice. I rinse of and my hair. It is time to get out mum holds a towel out for me and wraps me up the towel is so big and fluffy. It is nice to feel clean I stand there looking at Mum she looks really tired and her clothes are bigger on her I signal mum to come closer to me she bends down in front of me.
“Mummy when we get home you are going to eat then we are having a nap” I whisper to her remembering that is what she said to me when she came back from America she smiles a little and pulls me in for a hug before she picks me up as she kisses my cheek.
“this is one of the millions of reasons me and your daddy love you so much, I’m blessed to call you my daughter. “Mum says kissing my nose after. We then walk out to the room and Dad takes me from Mum and hugs me it is the first proper hug we have had where I can hug them with everything I have Mum joins the hug as well I hear a camera click and look over at the door and see the boys, aunty Perrie, Aunty Vic and Avie standing there.
“Daddy can you put me down I want to walk to them” I whisper dad carefully puts me down and helping me get my balance before I slowly start walking to them, they all smile big at me before I finally reach uncle Liam and he carefully picks me up and holds me in for a hug before I am passed to everyone else them all saying how proud they are and how happy they are I am ok and telling me they love me. The last person to hug me is Aunty Perrie and she goes to put me back on the bed but I hold onto her not wanting to be put down I hear Perrie laugh a little and sit on the bed with me on her lap.
“Baby girl me and your Dad have to go sign some papers will you be here?”
“Please Missy never ever scare us like that again” Perrie whispers to me I just nod my head.
We finally get home I am so happy to be home I have to take even more tablets now and I have to be careful not to much physical activity. Dad puts me down near the couch so I am standing We get inside and Galileo runs up he is getting so big seriously he runs and stops in front of me and carefully nuzzles into my hip I pat him gently. I take a deep breath smelling all the smells in the house, it smells like cologne, strawberry soaps and baking.
“Uncle Harry did you bake cookies?” I ask he is the only one who is any good at baking he cookies are the best
“Sure did kitten I made chocolate lava cakes and Gooey choc chip cookies” He says I smile they are my favorite baked yummies they are so good I’m about to ask for some but I remember that Mum needs to eat proper. I turn to dad and give him my puppy dog eyes I can see his face weaken instantly.
“What would you like Princess” Dad ask softly with a silly smile causing me to laugh a little.
“Can you make mac and cheese please Daddddddddyy” I say I actually want mac and cheese as well but I need to make sure mum eats his mac and cheese is seriously the best thing in the world.
“Of course I will princess anything for you princess” dad says
“Can you make mummy some as well” I ask him I mean she has to eat before I do, then I think maybe there is only enough for one
“if there isn’t enough for the both of us daddy just make some for Mummy” I tell him I’m starting to feel a little tired I hold my arms up for Mum to pick me up.
“Princess there is enough for you Mum me and everyone don’t stress your pretty little head over it” he says kissing me then mums cheek and walking into the kitchen. Mum walks us over to the couch where everyone has retreated to and sits me on her lap I rest my head on her shoulder and play with the end of her hair. I love sitting here the TV is on but I’m not watching it I’m looking at the wall playing with mums hair. The internal battle starts again I love my family but I don’t think I can trust them to protect me anymore and that scares me , I feel slightly hurt I feel that they lied to me they said I would be safe and no one can hurt me but I got hurt. I remember every single word that Gloria yelled at me, the words keep going through my head, ugly, pathetic the one that hurts me so much at the moment is no one actually loves me, what I she is right but at the same time Mum and Dad both look exhausted, they barely left my side when I was in the coma that must mean they love me right. I feel a tear roll down my face my head is hurting I can’t work out what is truth and what isn’t I quickly wipe it away before anyone see it.
“Lunch is up” I hear Dad yell I jump a little I was in my own world. Once again mum picks me up and places me in a seat at the table Dad places some food in front of me it smells so good but I have sort of lost my appetite I’m just confused and in a little bit of pain I pick at it a bit so no one notices.
Everyone is finished their lunch I have hardly eaten anything, I feel someone rub my back I look up and see uncle Liam he gives me a questioning look I just give him a slight smile and rest my head in my arms as if to say I am tired, I kind of am but I don’t want to sleep unsure of what it will bring.
“Are you tired princess” Dad ask I nod I look at the clock it is 1pm
“Come one princess how about me you and Mummy go take a nap?” Dad ask I don’t say anything I just sit there I get picked up I tense for a second forgetting that it would be dad or mum turns out it is dad I hear the others wish us a good sleep before we climb up stairs. Dad places me on the bed and sits next to me as mum gets changed then they swap. Mum lays down next to me and when dad comes out her picks up a spare blanket I have never seen it but it is so soft and fluffy. He lays down on the other side of me I feel them both look at me I just lay on my back with my eyes closed. I hear Mum let out a little tired sigh I feel as dad moves so her is giving me a hug I turn so I am facing him and snuggle into him mum comes and hugs me as well, I feel at home right now which again this confuses me. My mind is all over the place at the moment.
“Sweet dreams my beautiful queen and my beautiful brave princess I love you both” Dad says kissing both our cheeks I snuggle back into him when he lays down.
“Good night Boo, good night Baby girl, I love you forever and a day” Mum says I quietly whisper a good sleep.
I am back at the court I watch as I am about to get of the stand but the door burst open I look up but I can’t see the persons face yet I feel like I know the person, I see a gun and look over to where mum and dad where I see them smirking I’m so confused.
“Gloria is right you know no one actually loves I can’t believe you thought someone did, who could love a child as worthless and ugly as you” I hear dad say but it doesn’t sound like him the words leave his mouth mutt sound just like Eamon. Before I can say anything the person at the door pulls down the hood and it is Eamon at first I am shocked that he is here but I quickly run to him I’m about to hug him but he slaps me I look up at him with tears in my eyes.
“I never fucking loved you, you stupid piece of shit you got everything you deserved” Eamon says his voice is full of hatred and anger he brings the gun up and holds it to my head.
“Have fun in hell you worthless shit.” He says
I wake up crying I can’t control it the tears just roll down and won’t stop. I struggle to breathe it felt so real it hurt to hear them say that. I look at my parents who are still asleep they look so peaceful I can’t face them any more I carefully get out of bed as I continue to cry I open the door and walk out I look at them once more and it hurts my heart I love them and they don’t love me. The tears flow again more heavy and the breathing is harder and harder. I start to walk towards my room the tears blurring my vision I bump into something and fall to the floor.
“Hey Love you…. Hey hey sweetie, don’t cry, why are you crying?” I hear Liam say I just shake my head as if to say I am fine I’m not crying. He picks me up and carries me somewhere. I look up a bit and I guess we are in his room. He holds me tight to his chest and I just keep crying I cry hard it hurts my body. Uncle harry just holds me, letting me cry, I’m still crying after about 10 minutes.
“Should I go get you Mummy or Daddy honey?” there not the people I want I don’t know who I want, I kind of just want to roll in a ball and cry. My cries eventually calm down to small sobs my head is hurting from the crying and the thinking uncle Liam pulls me away from his chest trying to get me to look at him.
“Honey do you want to talk about why you are so upset” he ask me softly I don’t even think I know what has got me so upset it is just a dream it isn’t real but the way my mind is at the moment I am all over the place.
“You know sweetie that we all love you more than life itself you are literally the light of our lives. When you were in hospital none of us really slept we all cried your parents never ever left you room, each night one of us, your uncles and aunt would be found sleeping in your bed waiting for you to wake up, it is like when you’re not here we all lose a bit of ourselves you seriously the one thing that keeps us all sane, you make our would brighter. We all blame ourselves for what has happened, we all promised we would keep you safe and we failed and that kills us knowing we couldn’t keep you safe. The day in hospital was the first time I ever seen your dad cry and look so helpless, our parents love you so so so much and so do me, your uncles and aunties. Everyone you meet you inspire, everyone that has met you always says how you bring them so much joy and happiness, your smile is makes others want to smile, your laugh is contagious you make us Happy honey and a pretty girl like you shouldn’t cry, if it was up to all of us we would make sure nothing ever made you cry because you are the most special little girl in the world. Now please wipe those tears of your beautiful face, out of everyone you are the one that made me feel better when me and Dani split up, you were the only one to say the words I needed to hear, you are the reason I didn’t slip into a deep depression because you offered me something the others didn’t you offered to hug me when I was sad or just watch movies, you didn’t show how sorry you felt you didn’t make me feel like a child who needed someone to be with me 24/7 but offered for me to tell you when I needed you and that made the biggest difference. Seeing you happy makes us all happy love” Uncle Liam says his whole speech makes me cry again I’m not sure if it is happy tears of sad tears. I need to push the bad thoughts back need to shut the voices up, they are trying to ruin my happiness and it keeps working they keep setting me back.
“How do you make them stop, the voices I mean” I say quietly more questioning myself but in a way need answers need help to stop them.
“I really don’t know love but when they start talking come to one of us, even call Avan or Vic or Demi or Simon just take one of our phones all the numbers are there you can even call Jade, Jesy or Leigh if you want, just get one of us we can talk about them honey, you don’t have to be alone in this, we all love you and ant to help you.” And with that I sit and think about it all think about how things are going to happen. My eyes eventually become heavy and I fall asleep hugging with my uncle, making me feel safe and loved.
A/N Really starting to struggle with this i know where I want to get to I know what I want to write but i cant seem to get the idea from my head to my mouth or to paper. Hopefully i can make the next chapter a bit better, please bear with me