Do you know the feeling when a bucket of water with plenty of ice cubes in it, is dumped over your head without any warning and you want to yelp but your breath is stuck in your throath restricting your vocal cords as chills ride into your bones?
Well, that's the feeling I'm going through right now. No, nobody has dumped a ice-bucket over my head but right now that would have been much better than watching the scene in front of me.
All my previous determination went out of the window and probably got burnt with its ashes flying far away with the wind.
Ian and Ashley stood at the doorway or should I say Ashley was cornered to the wall with her legs wrapped around Ian's waist, her dress falling back showing her legs and her red heels sticking out. Her hands were busy roaming messing his hair while his hands roamed up and down her body and their lips stuck together and moved in sync.
Their moans and grunts echoed throughout the night beside my shallow breathing. I just watched them frozen in my place without blinking my eyes. I forcefully averted my eyes from them towards Aiden who sat beside me looking at the hood of the car with sullen look
"Are you going to watch them have it here or you're gonna drive?" I asked him surprised myself and him by the steadiness in my voice. He nodded without looking at me and drove back and out the gates of my husband's home.
"Where do you want to go?" He asked after a while of silently driving. I honestly don't know where I want to go.
"Let's go back" I said and quickly added as he gave me a wide-eyed look "to the benefit" he nodded wordlessly and started driving. Once we reached the hall he got out of the car and I shifted to the driving seat with great difficulty. Once I was buckled up, I drove off leaving a worried Aiden with slumped shoulders as he watched my car go away. I think he knew that we were going back just to drop him off seeing that he left the keys dangling at its place and didn't ran after my car yelling me to stop.
After driving aimlessly for about three hours I hit the brakes. My hands aching and my back stiff from sitting at the same position for so long. I don't know where I was so I looked around and saw empty landscape as far as my eyes can see with a one way - empty road in the middle. Just like the place I want.
I pulled the car in the landscape away from the road so I won't be blocking anyone's path and I killed the engine, removing my seatbelt. My phone started blaring to life emitting harsh light as if someone was trying to desperately reach out for me but I had no intentions of letting anyone in so without much thinking I switched my phone off and threw it on the passenger seat getting out of the car.
The slightly chill breeze blew against my skin as if saying a silent welcome. I looked above my head and prevented myself from gasping out loud. Several stars stretched out in the sky twinkling back at me as if several puppies looking at me with curious eyes. Previously when people used to say that there are millions and trillions of stars out there but I never believed them saying I never saw it myself.
But today as I look up in the sky I do believe them. The moon was at the far end of the other side of the sky but its light illuminated the whole ground saying it's okay to be alone for once. I'm here to protect you.
I sighed and climbed on top of the car and lied down on my back looking up in the sky like they held all answers to my questions. My heart was filled with so much sadness and loneliness that it only felt like an heavy organ in my chest that only beats to pump blood in my veins. My mind was blank. Silent.
As if leaving me to grieve. Grieve for the loss of my husband that was never mine to be called.
I remembered when I was a little girl dad said that all those we love become stars when they die and watch over us. I desperately searched for a star that will show me my mum.
"Mom" I whispered into thin air.
"I need you" I whispered again, afraid that someone might hear me.
"I need you more than ever" I said and closed my eyes as wind gently passed by me as if mom is petting my hair and saying she's here, she's always here. I welcomed the wind to sing me a lullaby as I slipped into a bliss called sleep.
~~~~~~
Fire. Every inch of my skin is literally on fire. Sweat trickled down my forehead making me grown. It was as if the sun is inside my room roasting me alive. I turned around my bed and almost had a heart attack as I was about to fall. Last time I remembered my bed was not so narrow, nor hard and definitely not this high. I peeled open my eyes only to close them back immediately.
Why is so much bright light inside my room? I looked sideways and opened my eyes again pulling myself up and rubbing the sleep from my eyes. I looked around confused as I could only see empty landscape stretched till never ending and an one way road where cars passed by, occasionally.
I looked down and I found myself in the same dress from yesterday night and all the events came back rushing to me. It played in front of my eyes like I'm living the moment all over again. I shut my eyes tightly and blocked all the emotions and flashbacks.
I got down of the car and bundled up my dress and got inside the car buckling myself up. Before I started the engine I took a hairtie from my clutch and tied a high bun. My hair was matted as the hot summer air made me sweat badly. I stepped on the gas and turned around, driving the way I came.
A buzzing sound made me snap my head towards the opposite seat. My phone was shaking violently with blaring lights. I frowned in confusion. I swear I switched it off the other night. I took a look at the road which is luckily empty and took my phone in my hand.
Ian's name flashed across my phone. I debated whether or not to pick it up but before I could decide the call disconnected. I sighed in relief.
I literally hit the brakes hard sending me flying in the front but got restricted by my seatbelt for the second time in the past 24 hours. I stared at my phone with wide eyes.
165 missed calls.
86 messages.
43 voicemails.
What. The. Fuck?
Excuse me if I cuss but what can I do when you see 165 missed calls, 86 messages and 43 voicemails on your phone?
I scrolled through the missed calls and found most of them were from Ian and others from Aiden, Will or Dad. Before I could see my messages my phone died. I cussed again and threw my phone on its previous place and stepped on the gas.
Soon I reached Ian's place and walked in to see what mess has become. Everyone was present here, and I mean everyone.
Dad, mom, Will, Ian, Aiden, Jake, Drake, Emily, Ashley and Marie.
Mom and Emily sat on the couch crying hysterically white Ashley and Drake condoled them, respectively. Jake sat silently in one corner while Aiden sat on a chair with his head in his hands. Ian and Dad paced around the room, furiously punching some digits on their phone and pulling them to their ear only to cuss after few minutes and repeat the procedure.
Will stood leaning against a wall with a worried frown on his forehead while Marie rubbed soothing circle up his arm.
Wait. Marie and Will?
Before I could say or think anything I was engulfed in a hug, surprising me that made me fumble a few steps back but the person held me tightly in his arms like he never wished to let me out of his sight again.
The colonge smelt familiar. Every muscle in my body ached to lift my arms and hug him back but I stayed still. I knew better. I always imagined myself in his arms but none of my imagination made me feel this homey. I snapped myself out if that bliss and pulled myself away from him. He furrowed his brow in confusion but looked at me up and down and sighed in relief.
"Don't ever do that again" mom cried and hugged me followed by Ashley, Emily and Jake. Then Dad, Will and Marie hugged me. I looked at Aiden with raised brows silently asking 'aren't you going to hug me next and squeeze the remaining life out of me?'. He slightly chuckled at my expression and walked towards me with slumped shoulders and head bowed in guilt.
"I'm sorry beautiful, it's all my fault" he mumbled and looked everywhere but me. This time I hugged him tightly mumbling a 'it's not you fault' against his chest.
We parted and his eyes still held the guilt. I sighed and cupped his cheek and made him look into my eyes, to look the truthfulness in them.
"Your my brother. You just looked out for me. There's nothing wrong in that" I said and smiled reassuringly.
"Brother?" Ian asked before anyone could say anything.
"Yes, he's the big brother I always wanted" I answered to which he added "and she's the little sister I never had"
Ian didn't say anything further but his relief sigh gave him away.
"Where were you?" Dad asked, sternly.
"I went to the other town downhill" I said putting up my emotionless façade.
"Why?" He pressed.
"Why can't a woman have fun?" I asked with raised brows.
"If the woman just disappears and makes her family worried sick and doesn't answer her phone, then no" mom said.
"Well then you'll must just quit worrying" I snapped. Everything turned silent. Every person in this room looked at me with shock. My eyes met with Aiden and he understood what I'm doing.
"You are married" dad said through gritted teeth.
"Maybe not for long" I shrugged like it was nothing. Majority people in the room gasped, except the ones who know what I'm up to. People like Emily, Jake, Drake, Ian, Aiden and Marie. They knew I'm giving them a glimpse of what's gonna come in the future.
"What?" Ashley asked though the relief and happiness in her voice was not gone unnoticed by me. I can't blame her. The girl is in love.
"Time will surely tell. Now, I'm tired of this dress I'm gonna go change" I said and walked upstairs, into my room.
I closed the door behind me and sighed.
It's over. We're over.
******
xoxo