baby rihanna is my favourite ever & this song is in honour of her, so heeeere you go!
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"I found the one, he changed my life. But it was me who changed. He just happened to come at the right time. I'm supposed to be in love, but I'm numb again."
Tris:
Leaning against my car, I tug the sleeves of my navy cardigan over my fingers, extracting the cold air from my arms.
My teeth chatter, every instinct in my body begging me to sit down with the guaranteed warmth from my car, but there would be a chance that I would miss Tobias.
Glancing at the sky, I watch as darkened clouds slowly pass, the sky a hue of fuchsia and midnight purple that paint the sky. My blonde locks wisp against my face, but I don't bother to tap them away because all that I can do is replay my monolog in my head.
After telling my parents about what happened between Tobias and I, my dad ensured he wouldn't pistol whip his ass considering that I was the one that called off the relationship. But then they told me that I need to talk to him, clear the tension between us.
Dad offered to talk to Tobias, but there's no way in hell I was ever going to let that happen.
The only her viable option was to confront him at work, and if I'm right, Tobias' shift ends at nine considering that today is a school day.
And right now, it's 9:03 , so it shouldn't be long until he gets out.
I feel moronic.
Besides finding my passion for photography, Tobias was the best thing that ever happened the past year. Yet, even though I'm without him, it doesn't feel like a razor sharp blade anymore.
I miss him by an insurmountable amount, but I don't need him.
There are definitely unresolved feelings between the two of us, and tension so heated that flames burst with every sentence. We can't get back together, at least not yet.
So why did I come here in the first place?
Because I want to confirm that we're not together anymore. It's been so hard to find truly comprehend the situation, and I still feel as if one apology won't patch up this bruise.
I want to make it a fact that our relationship will remain platonic, which it really isn't at the moment.
He's what's keeping me in Chicago—the one thing. And if photography is truly the career I want to pursue, I can't have anything or anyone keeping me from doing what's right. Doing what's right for me.
And then, even through the darkness seeping in the parking lot, I see Tobias' recognizable silhouette exiting Manadlo's.
Here we go.
"Tobias, wait up!" My voice reverberates throughout the whole lot, causing a few heads to turn, including Tobias. Eyes widening, shadows are cast from the darkness of the night, but my heart begins to speed up.
Gritting my teeth, I feel a hollow in the pit of stomach as he turns away. Being persistent, I follow, watching as Tobias swerves through cars gracefully. I, on the other hand, skim into every bumper I pass.
"Tobias!" I call out again, regretting every decision I've made. There's a part of me that thinks coming here was a mistake, and that I should have just left things the way they were. But another part knows that he's going to be waiting for me, waiting for me to come back to him.
With his back turned to me, I watch as his shoulders contract. Coming to a stop, Tobias stops in front of his car, hands shoved into his khakis.
Peeking out of his unzipped backpack is the blue dress shirt that's part of his uniform. Clearly, he's changed out of the attire into casual wear—Tobias looks handsome regardless but I love seeing him in Manadlo's uniform.
"I, uh, need to talk to you," I mumble quietly, silently praising how this is the closest that I've been to him since we broke up—even if the distance isn't too close.
Tobias turns around, and I see the shadows cast underneath his eyes, how his posture sags, how it looks as if he hasn't slept in days.
. . . did I do that to him?
Shrugging, he stares at the gravel road, lips puckered into a frown. "Um, now isn't a good time. I got. . . stuff to do."
Stuff.
I want to extend a hand out, to feel his palm against mine, our fingers have woven between each other. Yet, even though my body is alive with electricity at the moment, I can't move an inch.
"Please, it's kind of important." Momentarily wetting his lips, Tobias runs a hand through his hair, that is glazed with sweat and dreamily touseled. God, I want to—
"I thought you said no contact?" He blurts out, finally meeting my eyes. His darkened eyes bore into mine, and I'm surprised at how incredibly angry he looks. Cheeks red, Tobias raises up an eyebrow.
My hands beginning to sweat, I rock back and forth on my ankles. "I-I never said those exact words, Tobias," I reply, trying to register why he looks angry. "I just came to tell you something."
After he doesn't reply, I avert my eyes to the Adidas logo on his burgundy hoodie, remembering the night where I wore it to sleep a few months ago.
I'd replayed this scenario about a dozen times in my head, and never once did I com to the conclusion that he would be bitter towards me.
"Okay, well, I know we left thing off on a rocky note," I begin, trying to unnerve the shakiness in my voice, "but I just wanted to let you know that I don't want you to wait for me."
Despite the rocks collapsing in my ribs, I anxiously observe Tobias' expression. His lips pull into a deeper frown, a wave of confusion passing onto his increasingly pink face.
"What, did you think that I would just sit around waiting for you to say you want me back?" He asks, a sharp edge to his voice that is filled with hatred.
What? I try to respond, but not only does he continue before I can interject, but I don't know what to say.
"That I would sit around idly because my whole world revolved around you?" I never said that! "Because my life is a failure and you think that I can't breathe without you?"
Unable to keep my mouth from falling open, my hands involuntarily fly up. "What the hell i—"
"Guess what, Tris. I don't need you." I feel a burn glazing my eyes, and a lump of air gets stuck in my throat. His expression is plausible with rage, and even though I should clarify, all that I can do is stand still.
Voice getting louder with every sentence, Tobias shakes his head. "I thought I did, but I guess I'm functioning damn fine without you. Is that what you wanted? All that I know is that you don't want to be with me anymore, so why the hell are you here?"
Wow.
I watch painfully as Tobias shuts his eyes, taking several deep breaths. My heartbeat elicits a thundering pounding against my ribcage, audible in my ears.
Unable to keep my eyes from flooding with tears, I pull the sleeves of my cardigan further against my fingers.
"I'm here because I-I know that you love me, Tobias," I state gently, my voice shaking on a much larger scale. "I know that you love me so much that you wouldn't go out with any other girl solely because I might come around."
A burning flame tickles my ankles and rapidly spreads throughout my whole body. It feels as if I'm on fire.
Kicking at a pebble in front of him, Tobias bites the corner of his lip. As if I wouldn't notice.
"What's your point?" He asks quietly. I don't know whether to be plummeting with anger at his abrupt outburst or to be sobbing hysterically right now.
My point is that we won't get back together.
"My point is that I love you," I whisper, wanting my voice to be louder, "but we can't be together."
I want him so bad, I want to walk down the hallway knowing that Tobias won't fall into the arms of the freshmen who share at him.
But, I can't make him wait for me.
"If you love me then why'd you end it?"
"Because I know that I can't give you everything until I know what I'm doing." I take a step closer to him, grateful that he doesn't take a step back.
I'm reciting everything that Tobias already knows, but I have no more things to say. I don't know what else to do now.
"Did you come here to remind me of the fact that I lost you?" Compared to the previous dialogue, Tobias lowers his voice to an acclamation of helplessness. Like all hope is lost.
"Tobias, I—"
"I'm mad at you for what you did to me in the car," he says calmly, eyes watery, "you say you love me, yet you break up with me. Then, no more than two minutes later, kiss me?"
It was a lot more than just kissing.
"All that I want," I exclaim, my hair blowing into my face, "is for you to be free."
"I don't want you to give me freedom!" my eyes widen at how Tobias bursts, tugging at the ends of his hair. "Tris, all that I want is to be with you!"
I shake my head, swallowing air to restrain from allowing any tears to shed. "We can't be together, Tobias."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm not ready yet!"
Pacing back and forth, Tobias shakes his head as if he's accusing me.
"Just for the record, I hope you know that I wanted to help." Tobias turns and grips the handle to the car door, my tears ready to explode at any given moment.
"But I guess you didn't love me enough to think about how much pain you put me through by saying that it's a break."
Gasping, I clench my hands into tight fists, announcing, "what, and you don't think I feel awful about that? T-That I don't absolutely hate myself every single day."
At this point, my cheeks are freshly damp from salty tears drizzling down them. My hands are shaking, and I notice how Tobias looks like he's on the verge of punching his dashboard or collapsing.
He looks so fucking exhausted.
"Well, Tris don't hate yourself." Tobias commands and I observe anxiously, an ache groping at my veins, "because I don't think I want to get back together either."
Excuse me?
"So that's it then?" I demand, my cheeks undoubtedly crimson. "You're just giving up on us?"
Suddenly, Tobias turns around and slams his fist into the door of his car.
"Don't blame this on me, okay? I'm not the one whole ended it." This is fucking—, "Tris, the only person who wanted us to break up was you. And you're mad at me because I'm doing what you want?"
I want Tobias to fight for me, for us. Is that selfish to desire? All I can imagine is how he would devote an hour of his day trying to reach out to me. If he'd try then I would be graciously willing to let him help.
Rationality is definitely not in my vocabulary.
"What did I do to make you so mad?" I shout, unable to contain the shakiness vibrating my voice.
Scoffing, he shakes his head in ridicule. Pressing his lips into a thin line, Tobias rolls his eyes in exaggeration.
"You broke up with me!" He cries, "do you expect me to be happy about that? Especially because of what you did in the car."
"What, kiss you?" I declare, our bodies synched with an equal amount of rage. "Right because almost getting naked in the backseat of your car is my fault? Always blame the girl for what happens—is that the mojo all guys live by?"
Tobias is not somebody who disrespects women like that, mainly because he has enough common sense to realize that they're equally at fault for whatever happens. But my sense of rationality seems thirteen light years away, not even existent.
"Why are you acting like the damn victim, Tris? All I did was kiss you, but then you decide to drag me into the backseat. Were you expecting me to push you away? And don't for a second act like I'm one of those assholes, because—"
"Oh, don't you fucking dare say you're not an asshole," I retort, our faces brimming red, "you may be wiser than those people, but you still would be listed under a douche category."
Wetting his lips again, Tobias takes a step forward. "You came to the place I work just to ensure that I'm aware that we won't escalate to anything more ever again," he states blatantly, all the red slowly straining his face, probably because he's exhausted. "Guess what, Tris? I already knew that."
"Well, I'm glad that my message came clear," I stammer, breathing heavily as my body feels lit in flames. "Tobias, we're just going to be friends."
But then Tobias shakes his head, gritting his teeth. "Don't worry, Tris," he snaps, "I won't come after you again. 'Cause we are never getting back together. In fact, I hope you get my message."
It feels like my whole world is beginning to shatter even more than it previously one, and the depth of my pain is insurmountable.
"What message?" I ask annoyed, tempted to bring a hand up to wipe away any of the tears begging to slip through my grey eyes.
"Tris, there's one reason why we'll never be together—because, why would I date someone who I don't even want to be friends with anymore?"
His figure becomes a hazed through the tears blurring my entire vision, every movement shaking through my eyes. I raise my eyebrows up, unable to comprehend exactly what I did.
My mouth falls open, the tears pulsing quicker as Tobias swings open his car door and within moments, disappearing from the lot.
Covering my mouth with my palm, I shake violently as my body feels weakened. My body becomes drenched in tears, and now I'm just the girl sobbing alone in the middle of a crowded parking lot.
The one guy who was my friend, the one person that made me feel like the most special girl in the damn world is gone. I've lost him, I lost Tobias and all of the perks that came with knowing him.
Why did I decide that it was a good idea to come here anyways? Now, I realize that it wasn't to affirm anything to Tobias. It was so that I accepted the fact that we can't be together--not if we both want an enjoyable relationship.
At first, it felt like I had lost him but within a few weeks, I'd find him again.
But now I think that I've actually lost him for good.
Gone.
a/n
ha, this is only getting worse ;)
i love getting to torture you lovelies. . . im sry for being a bitch but iDcAtM
anyways, do any of y'all watch riverdale? it's actually sooooo good fam, go watch ITTT. i ship jughead and betty sfm, like dude they're actually OTP (bESIDES STYDIA)
hehe pls tell me what you think of the chapter bc i love hearing what u guys think.
lots of love,
Christina xx