This is the end, just something to show how Dean is coping and recovering with Cas by his side :)
I remember the last time I had a panic attack.
Cas says that's bad, but I feel like it's not. I still feel like I need to be punished, that being hurt by Josh wasn't enough. I don't look forward to them, they scare me. It's been months since all the accidents, and I still have nightmares. Those usually lead to me waking up and having a panic attack.
But, every time, Castiel is there to hug me and pull me back.
He's a blessing and a curse; I can't get what I feel like I deserved, but he protects me. Me. He has been here through everything, and he's the main reason I'm getting better. My suicidal thoughts were unbearable when I was released from the hospital, but they're gone now, Castiel saved me.
"Dean? Dean? Are you okay?" I looked up slowly, meeting the blue eyes that were showing concern. Ah, he was always worried, about me. I hate it, I don't want him to be worried about me night and day. "I'm fine, Cas." I murmured, closing the book in front of me. Currently, we were in the back of History class, and the teacher didn't seem to mind Castiel talking to me like he used to.
Castiel sighed and stood up, giving me a look, before leaving. I glanced up at the teacher, and he just nodded, letting me trail after Castiel. Once out in the hall, he grabbed my hand and stared into my eyes. "Tell me, Dean. Don't hold back, we've been doing so well." My teeth gritted against each other.
Everything lately has been about me being so close to being 'okay'. No, I am not going to be okay just if people say so. I'm not okay, I am not fine, I am still hurting.
I'm just better at lying now.
"I don't know, I'm fine." My eyes cast down to my wrist, where old scars lined my skin. I haven't felt the urge to cut lately, but it's gnawing at me, it's snarling and growing stronger. It's like a beast that gets stronger when not fed. "Cut the bullshit, Winchester. You are not fine, I can tell." Cas grabbed my face and forced me to look at him, and my heart spiked, making me trip backwards.
Fuck, why can't he go away? Why can't I fucking stop seeing him everywhere? He isn't Castiel, he isn't Castiel, he isn't Castiel- my body relaxed, arms wrapping themselves around me. "I'm sorry, I thought we..." Cas trailed off, and I squeezed my hand into a fist. Why is it so hard to tell him?
I don't...I don't want to make him leave. I don't want to be a burden. I don't want to cause anymore trouble. Maybe that's why it hurts to speak the truth. "I can't do it," my voice sounded different, more broken than usual. I felt Castiel tighten his hold on me, my body slouched against his in vulnerability.
"I'm not getting better," Yes, you are, tell the lie. "I see him everywhere, I feel him everywhere, I lied, I'm not getting better, I'm never getting better so I don't understand why the hell you're still here!" My voice rose to a shout, and I shoved Castiel away, my breathing uneven. "I'm a lost cause," my voice cracked, and my wrist itched for a relief I couldn't provide at the moment. "why didn't you let me die?"
It was silent, Cas on his knees in front of me with shadowed eyes and his hair in his face. I felt tears on mine, and I angrily wiped them off, instantly pissed I was being such a bitch. "I stay because I love you, and I know you feel like no one does. But I won't leave, not even if you say you deserve to die." He looked up at me, his eyes full of determination. "I won't stop helping you, because you're my best friend! I did this to you, so please stop blaming yourself!" I looked at him in shock, my heart pounding. I feel constricted...
"I know he did awful things to you, and it fucks me up because I let them happen! Dean, I know you aren't fine, I can tell. I just want to see the light in this darkness, because you were so light before everything happened..." Castiel's eyes watered, and he choked out. "I just want to see the light that used to shine in you again."
My mouth opened, but nothing came out-and nothing came in either. I gasped, coughing and falling back against the lockers. Shit, holy God, I'm hurting him, I'm hurting the one good thing in my life, I'm corrupting everything I touch, I'm ruining every one. I was slid across the floor and into the arms of Castiel again, and he held me tightly, like he was afraid I would disappear.
Breath slowly entered my lungs again, and my mind cleared up. It felt like I was dying, like I had no control over my life anymore. "I'm sorry," Cas apologized, and I just rested against him tiredly. I closed my eyes, feeling warm.
"It feels good to tell you," I whispered, and Cas just smiled with teary eyes. "I would hope so, you're my boyfriend."
At his words, I sighed in content. "I'm sorry I tried to commit suicide after I was out of the hospital," the words flew out of me, and I could feel the shock enter his body. "I thought it would be better for everyone, that I wouldn't hurt anyone anymore and everything would go on and be happy. I'm glad you stopped me, even if I still feel like that sometimes."
"I want to try and get better," I said softly, "But I'm scared of being a burden. Of hurting everyone." Cas finally spoke, reassuring me. "You will never be a burden, and you will never hurt me." He turned me around. "I will never push you against your limits, and I will never give up on you."
And, like that, I found the world seemed a lot brighter than earlier that day.
Castiel has been helping me see brighter everyday, and today, everything seems...colorful. Not the bland black and white I used to see the world as.
"Happy Valentines, Dean!"
I looked up in surprise from my spot in the back of the classroom, seeing a delivery person holding a box of sweets with a note and an envelope. My face flushed, and I stared wearily at the guy handing me the gifts. I accepted, of course, but refrained from making any contact with him. "Thanks," I muttered, placing them on my desk and ignoring all the stares. But, a whisper made me freeze up.
Isn't that the guy who got raped by our classmate?
I gulped, my hands trembling. This always happened, it's been a year since the accidents, and somehow someone found a way to bring up my past. I trembled whenever it was brought up, but at least I didn't have to leave the room like the beginning. Cas and I have been working, he's been showing me that everything is much better when you look at things with a different view. Though, I still have a panic attack when someone that's male touches me. Castiel, Sam, and Dad are exceptions, but in the beginning even they were subjected to talking to me from afar because I would start to cry from the memories.
"The last five minutes are yours, have a fun weekend." Our teacher said monotonously, sitting down and scrolling on their computer. I got up, gathering my things and leaving quietly, reaching my locker way before anyone was out of class. Though, someone was waiting at my locker for me.
"Dean!" I winced, smiling softly at my younger brother. "Dad's still at the trial with Castiel, so I thought I'd give you some company." My smile faltered, but I gulped and nodded. "Do I have to...?" Sam looked down, his eyes hard. "By the looks of it, yes." I shook visibly, almost dropping my things. I quickly opened my locker, putting the things in it, but holding the envelope.
"You don't have to-" I just shook my head, closing the locker. "Sooner or later I'm going to have to see him again, it's been a year already." Sam looked furious. "Just a few months ago you threw up at the mere mention-" "That was six months ago, Sam. I'll be fine now." I put my arm around him and began walking out. "Give me the directions, I'm going."
Bad idea, this was a bad idea. "Sam, I don't feel good." I admitted, pacing the halls and holding a hand over my mouth. We were outside the court room, and I felt disgusted. Sam threw his hands in the air, basically shouting. "I knew it! I told you! That douchebag deserves to rot in hell for making you want to puke!" I gagged before rushing over to a trash bin, throwing up all I had in my stomach, which was not much.
Sam was patting my back in an instant, realizing the fear and seriousness in the situation. "We don't have to, Dean." I grimaced, wiping my mouth and standing straight. "I can do this, Sam. I"m not weak anymore, he doesn't hold any power over me anymore!" I made fists with my hands and stalked to the doors with an unstable stomach. I pushed them open, Sam behind me, and dry heaved, Sam patting my back.
There, across the room and to the left sat the culprit. Josh. Josh. I left my stare fixated on him , and heard my name being called. I lethargically looked to my right to see Cas advancing towards me. "You were suppose to stay away, why did you leave school?" My words were gone, and I felt weak again.
Like I was back in the alleyway, his words infiltrating my ears the rough texture of the bricks scratching my body, his hands grabbing me, his mouth near my face-
And, just like that, I puked again for the second time of the day.
I felt dead inside, like how I felt when first released from the hospital. "Dean Winchester, are you the victim of rape from Josh-" "Your honor, I would feel more comfortable if Dean was escorted out of here." I turned to see Castiel standing with defiance. "N-No, I'm fine here..." I weakly voiced my opinion, almost fainting in fear when Josh winked at me. "Nah, let him stay, we had some fun times, right Dean?" I couldn't hear, not with my heart pounding this loud and my throat slowly closing. I felt like I couldn't breathe, that I was dying.
I was having an attack for the first time in four months.
"You asshole!" I saw my brother launch across the court room and dodge everyone, landing a punch on Josh that had him almost falling out of his chair. "Hey, hey!" I heard Dad shout when a man, most likely a relative of Josh's, slap Sam. Like that, Castiel was over and punching the man for landing a hand on Sam. Soon, with me just sitting there trying to control my panic attack, people were fighting and security was forcing everyone to sit down in their respected spots.
Castiel sat back down next to me, his lip curled maliciously. I just stayed silent, standing up and shakily trying to walk out to calm myself. I am weak, I let him get to me. A hand touched me, and I shoved them away and fell to the ground, shouting. "Don't touch me!"
Everyone was silent, and I was breathing harshly. "Dean?"
"Hey, Dean."
"Better than Castiel."
"Or it'll be your brother."
I looked around in fear, grabbing my head and shaking. I was secured in arms, familiar ones that made me not thrash out. "See? This is what he did! He ruined, Dean! He deserves more than five years, he deserves ten!" I felt myself calming, the secure tightness around me helping me. "...more than once, if he isn't going for ten years or more, I'm going to fucking call in..." I closed my eyes, tuning everything out and focusing on my breathing.
I can't let him get to me, I can't let him win again.
My eyes opened, and I removed myself from Cas, standing up and walking over,albeit shaky. "I'm sorry for the distraction, I did not mean for it to happen. Can we continue, I'm sure you didn't appreciate me having a panic attack." I set my face into stone, even though I was still on the ground in Cas' arms inside.
If there was any closure I could do, that was watching my rapist being taken away.
"I love you so much," Cas kissed me, and I grinned. "I love...I love you too."
School's almost over, and then we'll be off to college. It's scary, but Cas applied to the same college I'm going to over in California. "I'm proud of you," He said, holding my hands and smiling at me. "You've come so far."
Three months have passed since I watched Josh walked off to jail, and it did give me closure. Though, I was still shaken up for a week or two afterwards. When it was over, I fell to the floor crying and had to be held by Cas again to calm down. He's become my comfort circle, and it's become hard to be separated from him for more than a day.
I don't know what I'd do if he left me.
I mean, I would understand. I have to be comforted whenever I have attacks, and I'm difficult to talk to, plus I'm sort of a recluse now.
But, for now, he loves me. He loves me, and I just want to enjoy what we have together.
That's what he taught me.
"Dean, we're going off to college soon," I stared at him in confusion, watching him look around in nervousness. "And you know I love you and will never leave you." I nodded slowly, getting even more confused on what he was doing. Did he think we should have sex? We haven't at all, and I'm still not sure I want to do that...
"I just want to say that we're going to the same college." He chuckled, and I smiled at him softly. "Nervous over that?" I brought him in a hug, feeling him shake against me. "Cas? Are you okay?" I asked, suddenly worried. "Are you hurt, did something happen-"
"I love you, Dean Winchester, and I know people will say I'm stupid and that it's too early for me to even be considering or doing this. But I love you, I fucking love you, through all your faults and everything that has happened to you and me. I want to be there for yuo when you need me, and I want to be the person who you will talk about to friends. Dean, I want to be your person. We've gone through so much together, and I know our love will never get old or be forgotten. So, will you, Dean Samuel Winchester," I let my jaw drop, watching my boyfriend and best friend get to the ground, grabbing my hand gently.
I'm eighteen, he's eighteen, and he's...he's...and I'm... My mouth went dry and I squeezed his hand. Fuck it, Cas taught me to see everything in a new light, and I still have so many things I want to learn from him.
"marry me?"
"Yes."
Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
I know, months sINCE THIS HAS BEEN UPDATED. Thanks for reading this, and because I know I put you all through fucking hell for this book, I wanted to make a surefire ending that will give you closure. While writing the last scene, I almost--OK A LOT--felt like writing a sequel but then I was like what??? there would be no plot??? hell has already happened??? So, I don't think so, but I don't want to put COMPLETE on this book for some reason. Maybe because it's my first book I'm finishing? I don t know, but I hope you all enjoyed this. My writing style changed because im lazy and didnt write, but i wanted to say this real quick bc I couldnt write a chapter for you all:
Dean and John grew apart after he tried to commit suicide after Mary died. (btw i cant remember if i said mary in here? so excuse me if i said something else earlier.)
Did you love the ending? Did you like what happened? Comment, and share with people to make them go on a roller coaster of emotion. Jk, don't do that, I sound like an attention whore.
Anyways, when this chapter is up, the completion mark will be on here ;-;
First one down, three more to go. Oh, wait, three? That's right, I got three other books! Go to my profile and check them out because I'm gonna be more focused on them ;) ;) ;) ;)
love you all, hope you enjoyed this book!
Btw btw
I put Samuel as Dean's middle name bc this: