I peeled my eyes open as a bright light hit them. Is it morning already, I think to myself. I stayed up all night and really didn’t feel like getting up, so I stayed put. I had no reason to get up and no desire to. After a few hours of warmth from the sun on my face, something blocked its rays and I turned back into the darkness. I thought about plenty of things that night: dying my hair back to blonde, calling Christian, texting him, going to find Ashton, curling up with Michael, getting up and running away, making some food, realizing I’m not hungry, wondering what time it is, (It was around 1:14am when I sat up and checked) considering calling Christian again, wondering what the next day would hold, and how I could get out it so I could just lay in bed all day. Around ten, I heard motion in the house. After half the hour, I heard Luke and Calum leaving. After another half an hour, the house grew silent again and I figured Ash and Michael went to the backyard studio. I waited a few more minutes and then dragged myself out of bed by curiosity. I quickly changed into some sweats and threw on one of my really old jumpers that I had before I met Christian. I tied my hair back again and slipped the snapback on, still self-conscious about my hair. I skipped food because I still didn’t feel like eating and made my way to the back. I quietly knocked on the door and someone quickly opened it.
“You must be Payson. Michael said you’d be stopping by, Sleeping Beauty,” a tall man in a messy t-shirt with a sloppy composure told me and let me in. I gave him a weird look because I’m nineteen and he’s probably late thirties. I walked past him and saw two other guys sitting with Ash and Michael. I was kind of in a weird mood, so I did what I always do and sat close to Michael. I curled up my legs onto the couch and leaned into his cozy, cream jumper. He smiled at me and threw his arm around me, stroking my back. Michael was such a good cousin and I honestly don’t give him enough credit for it. I rubbed my eyes and tried to listen in on what was being said. It was mostly music related things so naturally I didn’t understand a thing. They were all taking about this song that I think was called “Wherever You Are”. Apparently Ashton had written it and the melody they we're playing sounded amazing. They were still working on it, but never less it was really good. This is what Ashton was probably working on last night. Ashton and I hadn’t made eye contact at all this morning because he was really busy talking to one of the guys.
“What’s going on,” I finally whispered to Michael.
“Guy and Ashton are trying to find the right notes for the bridge. You don’t have to stay and listen to us work.”
“I want to, though. I like watching you do something you love,” I smile and look at how Ashton just talks and gets so enthusiastic about the music. I can feel Michael watching me watch him, but I honestly don’t care.
“If you think he’s enthusiastic, you should see Calum; he loves writing songs.”
“Really? Calum?”
“Absolutely. If I had anybody write a song, it would be him. But this song Ash is working on is absolutely amazing. He’s sang some of the rough versions before and he really has put his whole heart into it. He must really love the fans.”
“The fans?”
“Well, I’m assuming it’s about the fans because it can’t be about a girl.”
“Really.” I leaned back into the couch as they called Michael over to review some of the notes. I sat and watched them work for a good hour. They have lots of papers scattered around the room and everything they play sounds amazing so I only assume they’re doing well. I learned all their names as they called them out and ended up talking to them as they worked. The one at the door was Judas (their main sound booth guy and former DJ) and the other two are Guy (a music producer and former musician) and Rodger (a professional lyricist). Michael was currently working with Guy and Judas as he recorded some guitar and Rodger went inside for coffee so it was just me and Ashton on the couch. “The song’s really good.”
“You think so?”
“Well, from what I’ve heard so far, yes.”
“I’m glad. It is coming together even better than I planned.”
“Will I get to hear any lyrics today,” I leaned into his shoulder hoping to lure something out of him.
“No, we don’t record any lyrics until the melody is perfect. I have a few rough drafts and I tweak it a bit in my notepad as we work on the music, but there isn’t anything official yet. Plus, I kind of want this song to be a surprise,” he smiles at me and I just look up at him. I’m so glad that he is able to do something he loves and be so happy all the time.
“What are you afraid of,” I ask quickly before Michael stops playing his guitar and Guy starts to critique it.
“What do you mean?”
“I told you what I’m afraid of. Now you tell me what you’re afraid of.” He stayed silent and just stared at the others. The way Michael could be so vulnerable after everything he’s been through and just stand in that room and take critique from these people is very commendable. I think of how Guy must feel saying those things; trying to share his wisdom with this young boy who probably will have more experience than him by the time Michael is his age; and how Judas is probably reflecting back on his glory days as a DJ while he now plays with buttons and sounds on a board for kids half his age. How can so many people with so much history be only a small fraction of the world?
“Needles, breaking my wrist, and the dark,” Ashton tells me just as Michael starts up on the guitar again.
“Really? Needles I understand and the wrist thing because you’re a drummer, but the dark? Really.”
“What? Everyone has fears and the dark isn’t something totally unusual.”
“Well I just thought that maybe it would be something more intriguing like incompletion of life or oblivion or something.”
“Well, not of all of us can be as complex as you. There has to be some people left to fear such things as spiders and the dark.”
“Please don’t tell me you’re afraid of spiders too. That would just be the perfect hamartia, wouldn’t it?”
“The perfect what?”
“Hamartia: a fatal flaw,” I explained.
“Ah. Well thankfully for you, growing up in Australia has made me completely fearless of spiders; unless of course they are the size of me.”
“Well, thank God there aren’t any.” He laughed and I just watched him as he threw his head back and his dimples came into perfect view.
“By the way, no matter how much I would like to see you in my clothes, I’m not really caring much for the hat today. Why’re you wearing it?”
“Bad hair day.”
“Is it because Christian didn’t like it?”
“No,” I almost shouted and I knew as Ashton looked at me with raised eyebrows he could tell I was lying. “OK, maybe.”
“Just take the hat off, Pay. I like your hair and I want to see it.” He took the snapback off my head and I let my ponytail go. My hair was super flat from not taking too many showers lately, but it didn’t bother me. My mood returned as Ashton switched with Michael to go record some drums, and I slipped the hat back on as he shut the door. I slunk into the couch hoping to just disappear as Michael sat next to me listening to the drums.
“Michael, do you like my hair,” I asked him, hopefully to get another opinion. He looked back at me and squished his eyebrows together.
“Well you have a hat on so I can’t tell. Where’d you get that hat anyway? It looks oddly familiar.”
“Oh- I just found it, you know, around. Anyway, I’m not talking about today because it probably looks awful today, but just in general. Was the new colour a good choice?” I played with a strand and looked at him hopefully, but he has the same colour so he can’t really say he doesn’t like it.
“Yeah, I love coloured hair. You look great.” I knew it. He is biased.
“Thank you.” I put on a smile and then sank back into the couch just as Ashton walked out of the drums rooms where we spend our first night. I slipped off the hat as Ashton flung the drumstick he has twirling in one hand up into the air before catching it.
“So, are you sticking around for the rest of the afternoon,” Ashton asked casually while Michael strummed something on the guitar that he had picked up earlier.
“Um, actually,” I looked over to the clock on the wall noticing it was almost three in the afternoon and decided, “I think I’m going to go upstairs. See you at dinner.” It seemed like such an old married couple thing to say, but I really was going to see him at dinner next. As I went upstairs, I realized that I haven’t even looked over the description for the class I enrolled in. I sat down immediately at my desk and opened the link to the school’s website:
E-Halo: Where you dreams can come true… online.
The first assignment was to make a short film of anything to just show my skill. I didn’t have any footage besides the sunrise from a few days ago and some from on the plane. I didn’t want to email Christian because I knew he was going to be annoying about it, so I gave my two best second options a shot. First, I emailed Jason who was another YouTuber but from England. Then, I tried my luck at PJ Liguori. PJ was part of the, as they call it, ‘Fantastic Foursome’ which included him, Chris Kendall, Dan Howell, and Phil Lester. Dan and Phil were way to popular to get in touch with and Chris was owned be a manager so he couldn’t just let some film go to a random stranger. Jason replies back almost immediately saying he would be happy to give some extra footage to an ‘aspiring film editor’ which made me sound too official and I just assumed he was hyped up on Monster. I opened the footage and immediately started to toy around with it. Most of it was of him skateboarding or jumping off things. There was also footage of his roommate, Patty, who was a musician. As I scrolled though my music selection and couldn’t find anything good, then I realized where I was. There were probably plenty of songs that I could use from 5 Seconds of Summer. I downloaded a few and eventually selected “Lost Boy”. I devoted my afternoon to it and then by the time Luke and Calum came home, I was done. I waited to enter it in so I’d be a bit ahead of schedule for the class. I went downstairs to see Calum and Luke once again on their laptops.
“Is this all you do,” I asked them as I passed.
“Yes,” they both replied simultaneously.
“Do you want pizza or Chinese,” Luke asked me.
“Well, considering we had pizza last night, my vote goes for Chinese.”
“Okay,” Calum answered and I went out to the studio. I knocked on the door and it cracked open.
“What’s the password?” Judas said to me.
“Are you freaking serious? Just let me in.” I pushed past him and the room grew silent.
“How about we go over that last part again,” Ashton told Guy as I sat next to Michael.
“Hey, how is it going,” I asked him.
“Pretty well, which reminds me. You’re supposed to go into the doctor’s tomorrow around eight.”
“Eight in the morning, eight?”
“Yes. Is that a problem? He’s going to check your leg again, remember?”
“Yeah, yeah. It’s just it’s a bit earlier than noon,” I laughed to try and lighten the mood.
“And we have a little surprise after so be ready for anything,” he winked and I laughed again.
“In that case, I’m going to wash my hair and change before dinner arrives; we’re having Chinese.” I went upstairs and turned the water on, beginning to wash my hair with the hand showerhead. After, I really didn’t feel like wearing one of the jumpers Christian got me, so I threw on a thin tank top and moved to Ashton’s closet for a t-shirt. I searched and finally came up with the Weekend Warrior one that he had cut the sleeves off of. Surprisingly, it was really comfortable, but was huge on me. You don’t notice how much bigger someone is until you wear their clothes. The shirt ended about mid-thigh so the shorts I was wearing really didn’t show. I shook my hair out, ignoring all thoughts of Christian, and went downstairs. The boys were already at the table eating their Chinese food while on their laptops so I decided to plop on the couch.
“Ashton,” I complained, “can you please bring me my food.” He immediately brought me the small white box so fast that it actually shocked me that he could move so fast.
“Now that is hot,” he said, as I took a bite of Chow Mein.
“What? Me eating noodles?”
“No silly, you in my clothes. Considering all it looks like is just a t-shirt.”
“Ash, take your silly comments somewhere else. I don’t do that.” I pushed him off the couch and he laughed before taking his spot back at the table. The boys continued to play on their laptops. It’s funny how the amount of work they have to do differ from day to day. I finished my meal and went right up to bed. I turned off the lights, closed the curtains halfway, and snuggled into bed before sunset.
After a small while, my balcony door slid open so I sat up to see Ashton standing there with a big cheeky smile on his face. He slowly sliped himself into bed next to me without even asking. I didn’t really expect him to be coming in here tonight and in the back of my mind I kind of didn’t want any company at the moment.
“Don’t you need to work on your song tonight,” I questioned.
“It can wait. I couldn’t resist you while you’re wearing that.” I laughed and leaned over on my elbow, following his actions.
“So, what do you want?”
“I want to know something.”
“What do you want to know?”
“About Christian.”
“What about him?”
“You and him. What’s that about? You seemed to be a bit bipolar about the whole relationship. Also, you never really told me the backstory.”
“Oh. Well, we met through my work, I guess, as I told you. Then it just went from there.” He nodded his head for me to continue but I didn’t know what to say, so I laid down beside him and slowly began. “I watched his videos first. He was this cute, little awkward kid who just wanted to share his thoughts. Then it became more for me; I could relate to him and I felt like he understood what I was going through. He just got it. My parents and even Michael and Violet didn’t it like he did. So, I emailed him. The email took me three days to finally send it. I was nervous he wouln’t reply or would just laugh at it. All I asked was if he needed help with editing his videos. Nothing special, just a business offer, but I felt like if he replied, I meant something. It was stupid, but when I worke up the mext morning I found out he replied only just a few hours later. I didn’t read it till later that afternoon. I thought of every possibility of what his response could be, but I didn’t expect what he wrote. It was a very heartfelt yes. I went on to working with him and eventually we ending up Skyping once a month which turned into every week and then everyday. We did that for awhile and it was mostly him calling me during the day which would be early morning for him. Soon, he grew tired of waking up so early and I decided to finally tell him. I have insomnia.” Ashton just looked at me with wide eyes and then smiled and laughed. “Why are you laughing?” I felt a bit annoied that he is laughing at me.
“Well you’re saying it like I don’t know.”
“How do you know?”
“Because you stay up way later than Michael and yet sleep a lot less. I figured you had some sort of sleeping problem. It’s awesome.”
“Awesome?”
“Not awesome, just intruiging. Now, continue,” he nodded again and kept his eyes on me while I looked at the celine as I talked.
“He was kind of shocked, but of course turned my big news onto him. He said he had isomnia once, but it wasn’t the same. He stayed up because he was depressed and suicidal. He could stop it and get help, but I can’t. It doesn’t work that way. So, we worked it out and ever since then, I would use my late nights to talk to him while it was early afternoon there. Everyday went backdown to every week and now its just once in awhile.”
“Why?” Ashton inturrupted me.
“I guess I just didn’t need to see him everyday. I don’t know. I think it feels more like a good friendship now rather than a serious relationship. I mean I still really like him in that way. Like I want to kiss him and be with him and stuff, but--”
“He’s not a reason to smile everyday?”
“What? Oh. I guess he did make me smile more than before, but not like you.”
“How do you mean like me?”
“I have never smiled as much as when I’m with you.”
“Really?”
“Really. But I mean Christian was all the way across the world behind a computer screen and you’re here laying in bed with me.” I smirked.
“So you’re saying that he might make you smile more if you actually met him.”
“Maybe.”
“Well, then we’ll just have to find out. I mean, there is nothing more I want to do than to make you smile.” He smiled and I couldn’t help but smile as well. It was just so contageous.
“So, Mikey said he has a surprse tomorrow. You don’t happen to know anything about that do you?” I raised my eyebrows.
“I guess you’ll just have to see tomorrow.”
“You’re mean.” He smiled, laughed, and then kissed the spot between my eyebrows before laying his head on the pillow and closing his eyes. As I lay there, I just stared at him, looking at how you could see his lovely dimples just enough to become contageous and how his eyelashes are just a little too long. I noticed how his hair was floppy and flat all at the same time. He was gourgeous and I hated to admit it, but he was definetly a reason to smile. A lot. As I was lost in his trance, I hadn’t noticed his eyes flitter open and a smirk spread on his face as he watched me stare at him. I slowly smiled back, blushing a bit but he couldn’t see me in the dark. He sat up a bit, quickly wrapping his arm around me, and pulled me close. I smiled as I leaned my head on his chest and closed my eyes.