The second I closed my eyes, a thousand of thoughts flooded my mind.
The selfish part of me whispered. ‘Just go and do it already. She’s just a few centimetres away from you. Move forward and claim her. Now.’
The more rational part of me said. ‘Don’t be stupid Mina. Don’t make things more complicated as it is. Once you do it, everything will change.’ This thought made me terrified.
Still, the thoughts came rushing in to me. As much as I would want to filter them, a darker, scarier voice whispered. ‘You know she’s just using you, right?’ My heart drummed faster not because of her lips inching into mine but because these thoughts panicked me. ‘She’s just vulnerable… She just needs someone… something to comfort her… It’s all about comfort, right?..
…She’s just toying with you.’
I immediately open my eyes to dismiss these thoughts. I can still see her face so close to mine, but I wanted to move away. I wanted to get out of the position that I am into. But before I did, I stared at her face for the last time. ‘This might be the last chance that I get to see her face this close’
I slowly cupped her right cheek with my hand and kissed her left cheek. Just a few centimeters away from her lips. She then opened her eyes, and we just kept on looking at each other. I know that she already knows what’s going on my mind. So she slowly backed away. She moved to my left side and sat right back up.
I now fixed myself and headed towards her door. There was nothing but silence between us. We can’t even look at each other. As soon as I reached out for the doorknob, I immediately missed the feeling of her arms around me when she bids me goodbye. So I searched for her and looked at her eyes for one last time as I open the door, with me leaving.
*****
I spent the next couple of hours laying on my bed staring into nowhere. I look at my clock and it read 3:15am, it’s been almost 9 hours since I’ve left her. I’ve been trying to sleep for so long but I still can’t. Several things still keep on bothering me. Images still keep running through my mind. Unanswered questions still linger inside me. ‘Is she really just toying with me? Can she really do that to me? But there’s no other reason to explain what she did.’
These things kept on running in my mind, giving me headache since I still haven’t had a single answer to any of these questions. ‘But if she’s really just toying with me, why did her eyes look like that? Why do they contain pain and hurt when I last looked at them. Does she love me like I love her?’
I ruffled my own hair violently trying to stop thinking. “Stop it Mina. Stop with the delusions.” I said out loudly, reminding myself. Chanting it as if it was a mantra.
*****
The next time I opened my eyes, a killing headache welcomed me. I just had 2 hours of sleep because of what happened last night. I stood up and walk inside the bathroom to wash my face. As I finish washing, and I looked into the mirror, I noticed the dark circles just under my eyes. I look like shit. I also feel like one.
I didn’t feel like doing anything today so I just return back to my bed and just lay there trying to forget everything. But when I was just about hide under the covers, I heard a knock on the door. I lazily stood up and irritatedly opened it cause it interrupted my slumber. But when the door opened, I was shocked to see the person I least expected to appear in front of me.
And there she stands, wearing simple jeans, white shirt, black converse shoes and sweater to cover her. With her signature earphones dangling on her neck, she waves at me and offer me an awkward smile. She also has dark circles under her eyes. She also looks like shit and it makes me feel a little bit better.
It was still quiet between us as I gesture for her to come inside. I sat on my bed while she opted to sit on the couch near the edge of my bed. Uneasy looks were exchanged, gauging if the atmosphere is already right. Still, silence enveloped us. The ticking of the wall clock hanging on my wall becomes deafening, until she decided to break the ice.
“I’m sorry unnie… for… uuhhh… everything that happened last night.”
She looks straight into my eyes to prove that she really meant what she said. It took me quite a while to be able to respond.
“It’s okay Chaeng. I understand.” The last part of my statement was a lie since I still don’t know what’s happening, or what she’s thinking. Still, I offered her a small smile to reassure her that everything’s gonna be fine. That’s what I really hope to happen.
She slowly looks down as she finds the courage to ask me the next question. I can tell she’s scared to ask me but she does it otherwise.
“Uuhhh… were you angry… at me?”
I turned to look anywhere but her. ‘Should I be honest? Or should I just swallow this pride of mine to save whatever it is that we have?’ But I know it would kill me if I just keep my emotions and hide it from her.
“To be honest, I am Chaeng.” My voice quivers, I am scared myself. “You know I care for you, and I’ll do anything to make it okay for you…” I almost broke down right there and then remembering what she did last night. “...but don’t you think using me, and playing with my feelings is a bit too much?”
I turned to look at her and wait for her to look back up to me. And as she did, I saw the same pain in her eyes when I left her last night.
“Is that really what you think I did?”
It frustrates me again. “Last time I checked, you’re straight Chaeng.” I was now shouting, something I have never done before. But the pent up emotions I have inside just want to come out of me. “And you have a boyfriend. Or had a boyfriend…”
“…Then you tell me out of the blue that you’re in love with someone else. What other explanation can you give me?!”
She stands up and places her hands on her waist. I can tell from her face that she’s also frustrated. She kept on running her hand on her hair as she looks up so she can’t see me.
“This is stupid.” She says under her breath and she scoffs.
I heard everything and it made me more frustrated than I already am. It feels like she’s insulting me.
“What did you just say?!” I also stand up to level with her and try to meet her eyes. But she slowly looked down on her feet. And that’s the first time I’ve seen her look so defeated. Much more defeated than when I came rushing to her the other day. She looked so down that I almost wanted to rush towards her and embrace her. But I didn’t. The next words she said just caught me off guard.
“I left him… for you… just in case that wasn’t clear enough.”
Her voice is quiet, just enough for me to hear. And I just stood there. Frozen. I almost didn’t want to believe what I just heard. Then she slowly look upward meeting my eyes. Her eyes were staring right into mine. It was already watery due to the tears she’s trying so hard to keep from falling. But I still saw her eyes, and it already tells me what she wants to say even before she says it.
“I’m in love with you, Mina.”
She confesses, as she let the tears she’s holding back flow. The world becomes silent. And all I can hear is my own heart beating for her, and all I can see is her standing right in front of me. Everything becomes a blur, everything seems to fade into view and becomes background. But as soon as the word ‘love’ registers into my mind, I immediately heard her heart breaking.
“But I guess it doesn’t even matter…” She’s slowly tearing her eyes away from me.
“…you don’t love me the way I love you…” I was pulling myself together and pushing it towards her, but my body doesn’t move. ‘No, don’t mess this up now Mina.’
“…and you made that pretty damn clear last night.” There was venom in her voice. She looks away from me and head towards the door. “I guess I’ll just see you around.” She says softly as she reaches for the door knob.
And that’s when I felt the world stop. I felt scared. Panic build up on me. Seeing her back facing me, I knew that if I don’t do something, then I will forever lose my chance with her. I will forever lose the chance of being happy with her by my side. So I gathered all my courage and my strength and rushed to her.
I hooked my left arm onto her shoulders while I snaked my right arms onto her waist hugging her. Tightly, ever so tightly ‘cause if I don’t I’m afraid that she might get away.
“No… don’t go… please stay… stay with me.” I said between sobs, and I let my tears fall onto her shoulder. I placed my face nearer to her ears so that she’s the only one who’ll be able to hear. My most selfish desire. My desire to be with her.
“I lied… when I told you that I don’t like you… I lied and I’m sorry….” She moves her hand and pushes the door, closing it again. We continued to stand there with me hugging her from behind.
“I was a coward. I was stupid. I tried so hard to hide all my feelings for you, and I ended up being blinded with the feelings you have for me. I’ve hurt you, and thought wrongly of you…
…but I want to make it up to you. I won’t hide my feelings anymore. I’ll show you just how much you mean to me, every waking second that I have. That is, if you’d let me.”
Suddenly I felt her arms remove mine as she slowly turn towards me. She held my face between her hands and wiped my tears away.
“You coward, stupid little penguin.”
She finally smiled after saying that. That’s when I knew I already won.
Then I felt my heart beat again as I say the next words that I have long tried not to say. It may be long overdue, and a bit anti-climatic. But it’s real, it’s raw, it’s right, and this time I’m not afraid anymore.
“I’m in love with you too, Chaeng.”
I enveloped her in a hug as I drunk myself in her scent. In turn, she nuzzled her face closer to my neck, her nose touching my collar bone, making all my hair stand up as she breathes. Then she whispered.
“So is that like your way of asking me to be your girlfriend… or am I just assuming things?” She asked me and laughed. It made me blush and I became a little embarrassed. I just hugged her tighter and nodded my head so that she won’t see my face.
But she managed to make me release her, revealing my face that I was so shy to let her see. But she just stared lovingly at me and held my hand.
“Then I guess I should treat my cute, little penguin girlfriend out to lunch?” She offered while giving me that ever so perfect smile of hers.
I wake up today feeling a little weird. I felt a lot happier, livelier, better. That is maybe because of a cute, little cub softly snoring beside me.
Her head rests on my shoulder as she lay her arm on my waist. Our feet are tangled up, and her face is on the crook of my neck, which I think is her favourite part of my body. She stirs a bit, and I rubbed her back to soothe her. This gesture made her body move closer to mine, her face inched further making her lips touch my neck. I don’t feel my shoulders and arms anymore, but I swear this is the best morning in my entire life and I don’t mind waking up everyday to be welcomed by this.
After a few minutes, I felt Chaeng slowly move away from me. She stood up, and head towards the bathroom. As I stare at her, with her back facing me, I can’t help but to smile widely. ‘My girlfriend looks cute wearing my clothes.’
All the scenes from yesterday replayed in my head. Me, asking her to be my girlfriend, and her saying yes. I remembered how she looked at me and held my hand. I remembered how my heart is beating so fast, the same as now. And I can’t help but to squeal like a teenage girl and cover my face with my hands hoping it would lessen my blushing.
“Why are you covering your face and squealing like an idiot Mina?”
I didn’t remove my hands just yet ‘cause I know she’ll just tease me further. And the way my name rolls out her tongue with her sexy bedroom voice is not helping. It made my face even hotter.
When I finally lowered my hands, my eyes immediately laid upon my gorgeously looking girlfriend grinning at me.
“Don’t tease Chaeng. I just can’t believe you’re my girlfriend now.” I said shyly with a big smile on my face, and my eyes almost disappearing because of it.
“Well believe it Mina ‘cause I’m yours.” It was a simple statement coming from her, but my whole body felt like jelly. She looks at me straight in the eyes to let me know how serious she was with what she said, and she’s not just saying sweet nothings to me. And I just look back at her, not being able to create proper sentences to respond to her. I just look at her and allow myself to get drunk with just her mere presence.
“So tell me, Mina. What exactly am I?” She asks me as she went back to the position just before she went to the bathroom. She hugged me as she rest her head upon my shoulders, and my hand immediately went to her head and my fingers run through her hair.
“I don’t think I understand your question.” I whispered.
“I mean, how will I classify myself now? A few weeks ago I had a boyfriend, and now I have you. I assume you already know these things ‘cause you certainly had more experience than me.” She chuckled as she finished talking.
‘Stupid cub, always making fun of me.’ I thought while joining her fits of laughter. “I honestly don’t know Chaeng. I really didn’t think it was important. You can call yourself, or label yourself with any name you want as long as you’re comfortable with it.”
She hums in response and didn’t speak for a while. After a few minutes of pondering she tells me
“Then I think I’m Mina-sexual.”
I immediately burst out laughing as I detached myself from her, sitting right up and looking her with disbelief. “Is that even a word?” I ask her.
She followed me by also sitting up, and laughing a bit. “You told me I can call myself anything…” She whines. “…and I honestly think I won’t ever find someone I’ll like and love more than you Mina. You’re just the one for me.”
And there she goes again telling me these things with a serious expression on her face. The expression that tells me that she doesn’t know how sweet she is, and she is simply being honest with me. I was again left speechless by her, and there’s nothing else for me to do but to envelope her in my sweetest, warmest hug.
It lasted for a good while, and when I moved away and looked at her, she’s grinning again like an idiot.
“Do you still have any stupid questions for me Chaeng?” I asked her.
She just shook her head no. “I like wearing your clothes unnie. It smells like you.” And I giggled, remembering how I exactly felt like wearing her clothes.
She just looks at me confused because of my sudden laughter, but I didn’t say a word.
With that we started a staring competition. She looks at me the same way she looks at me before. How can I not notice the softness in her eyes, full of adoration for me? Why am I so stupid not to acknowledge the fact that even when she’s still with someone else, her heart already belongs to me.
“You know staring is rude, Mina.” She mimics the way I told her that, and I just chuckled.
“I just don’t know what’s going on your mind.” I respond.
She plops back down in bed, holds my hand and tugs on it, telling me to also lay back down. We lay there face to face enjoying how our breathing syncs with each other.
“I think you have a higher chance of knowing about it if you ask. I don’t think telepathy is real.” She smirks at me, and I smile shyly.
I was hesitating for a bit, but I asked her otherwise.
“Since when did you know… that you love me?” I look at her attentively, and she just smiled widely because of my childish question. She was silent for a while, trying to find an answer to my question. When she’s ready to answer, she stares back at me.
“I think I’ve always liked you…
…You give me the kind of warmth that makes me feel safe as long as you’re near.”
She pauses for a while to reach out for my hand and she plays with it as she continues to tell me her story.
“Remember when you were sick?” I just nodded in response. “I chose to take care of you over him. I kept telling myself that it’s the normal thing to do, but I know at the back of my mind that I wouldn’t have done that for anyone except you. I almost dragged myself out of here because I really didn’t want to leave you that night. But I thought you might be weirded out if I stayed.” The midget chuckles as she recalls it.
“And when you went to Japan and didn’t speak to me in weeks, I really missed you terribly. I check my phone almost every hour hoping to get a message from you, but I didn’t. I sulked everyday the whole winter break. Then I ask myself again “is it normal to feel that way towards you?” I remember how poorly I treated her before and I caress her face trying to apologise with my eyes, and she responds by leaning into it and smiling as if telling me that it’s okay. Then she continues.
“I just confirmed it when I saw you again after winter break. My knees went weak when I saw your face again for the first time in a long time. And my heart literally skipped a beat.” She pauses for a while so that she can look at me. “I never felt that when I was with Mark.”
“And every morning after that day, your face would be the first image that would pop out of my head whenever I wake up. Not his. Your hand would be the one I always want to reach out. Not his. When he visited us, I really felt guilty so I focused all my attention to him because I already knew the two of us wouldn’t last long. I already knew at that moment that my heart already belongs to you. Not him. And you’re the only one that would make my heart beat like this. Not him.” She reaches out for one of my hand and places it on her chest right above her heart. I felt it hammering fast and hard, just like mine.
Silence filled the room again. We just lay there drowning into each other’s eyes. My hand was still on her chest so I also held her hand and place it on top of mine. This brought a smile to her face. We felt our hearts in sync, and without even saying a word we already felt just how real we are feeling for each other. Without saying it, our ‘I love you’s’ are already exchanged.
“I just want to try something.” She says with a low, soft voice.
Then I saw her face slowly inching towards me. Her eyes look back and forth my lips and my eyes.
“What is it?” I ask her, playing innocent.
When her lips are already just in front of mine she whispers “Something I’ve always longed to do.”
With that both our lips turned crescent because of our smiles. And both our eyes closed at the same time. Slowly and gently, I felt her lips touch mine. Our hearts that are already beating fast and hard, drummed a little faster and harder. I let her take the lead while I memorise how soft her lips are. I can’t explain how a single kiss can make me feel a thousand sensations. I felt like floating. I felt my body heat up as if all the cells in my body ignite. I felt alive, and I felt weak at the same time.
Chaeng kisses me so gently like she’s afraid that she might break me. She kisses me slowly, full of innocence and adoration. Then she shifts and deepens the kiss. This time I felt her want for me. Her lips move with mine, and it just pulls me further into her.
When I can’t stand it anymore, I made her open her mouth a bit by gently tugging her chin downward with my thumb. I now took the lead. I wanted to show her that I’m not afraid anymore. I nipped on her lower lip gently, nibbled it and licked it immediately to soothe her. And a deep, quiet moan from her tells me I’ve done a great job. We ended up grinning because of what happened, ending our kiss.
They say the first kiss can already tell you everything you can expect out of a relationship, and I liked how our first kiss started and ended up with a smile. I’m glad I waited cause it’s worth it. The word Perfect is not even enough to describe it.
I run my thumb through her glistening lips to dry it. She still looks dazed, just staring at my lips like she’s under my spell.
“So did you like it?” I teased her.
She continues to stare at my mouth intently. “y..yeah… I mean for one, you smell so good.” She smiles. “And it’s soft and sweet, it tastes like strawberries.” She suddenly dives and licks my lip. “Yep, it’s definitely now my new favourite flavour.” She grins as she now looks at my eyes. And I just froze there surprised because of what she just did.
Before I can even react properly, she suddenly straddles on top of me and swiftly pinned my hands above my head. “Now let’s see what other things we can try doing together.” She says with a suggestive look and a low hot guttural voice.
“Yah Son Chaeyoung!” I shouted a little with panic and excitement in my voice. And that’s all I can remember before she pulls the covers above us.