Lauren's POV
Lauren awoke in a sweat.
"Why does this keep happening to me? Why can't I just stop thinking about her?" She thought to herself in frustration as she slipped out from under her covers and grabbed her towel to have another 3 am shower. For the past 6 weeks she was waking in the middle of the night having dreams about Camila and all the memories they shared, and every time, she was drenched in sweat. She didn't quit understand why this was happening. Camila was gone, she had been gone but Lauren's body refused to let the young brunette slip away.
The water felt good on Lauren's back. She tilted her head back and slowly ran her fingers through her hair as the memories continued to flood her thoughts. Tears slowly started to fall and then gained speed as a particular memory washed through her head.
-Flashback-
Lauren heard a knock at her door. "It's 1:30 in the morning, who could that be?" she asked her self as she rolled out of bed, setting her book on the bedside table. When she couldn't sleep, Lauren would read to take her mind off of reality. When she got to the door and opened it, she was shocked at who it was.
It had been 3 weeks since her and Camila had last talked alone. And only God knows how long since they had done so past 1 am. "Hey.." Camila said, sadness evident in her voice. It wasn't until Camila lifted her head slightly to look a Lauren that the older girl noticed how puffy and red her eyes were. "Camz?" she asked quizzically, moving closer to the smaller girl. They hadn't had much physical contact in the last few months do to tension among the group, but they all still genuinely loved each other.
Camila let Lauren pull her into a hug. She didn't hug her back, but she didn't deny that is was the best feeling in the world to be in Lauren's arms. They stayed in there embrace for a while, Camila's arms still at her sides while Lauren held her and stroked her back with her left hand. "Camz, come in. We can talk okay?" Lauren wasn't sure why Camila was at her door. She wasn't sure Camila knew why either. They were always closer to each other than the other girls when it came to certain things and Lauren knew Camila would have gone to Dinah if it was something she could talk to her about. Dinah and Camila were still perfectly fine. Lauren and Camila on the other hand always had something tugging at their friendship.
Camila slowly took a few steps forward, just enough for Lauren to be able to close the door, but that was as far as she went. Lauren tried to get her to sit on the bed, the couch, or even the floor and lean up against the door, but Camila remained still with her head down, tears beginning to once again fall from her beautiful brown eyes. The sight tugged at Lauren's heart, she hated seeing Camila like this.
"Camz, talk to me..." Lauren pleaded as she began to stroke Camila's right arm lightly with her hand. Camila felt the skin on her arm immediately begin to burn at Lauren's touch, but it was a good burn. Slowly, Camila lifted her head and looked blankly into Lauren's eyes. What she saw took her aback. Lauren looked... sad?... Camila had never seen this look in her eyes. She thought she knew every aspect of those perfect orbs but this look was throwing her off. She didn't know how Lauren felt in this moment. Was she mad? Concerned? Sad? Camila didn't know and it was scaring her.
"What are you thinking?" The younger one asked, wanting to understand this new side to the wondrous galaxy that was the eyes of Miss Lauren Jauregui. The question threw Lauren off and for just a second, Camila knew what she was thinking. Then, in a matter of a second, Lauren's eyes went back to the unknown. "Um... I... I... I'm confused." Lauren stuttered, still taken aback by Camila's sudden urge to talk, but about Lauren's thoughts instead of her own. Camila studied Lauren, taking in all of her beauty. Camila always knew she felt something for Lauren, and that was why tonight was particularly hard on her. "Please Laur, what are you thinking?" She asked again, this time less confident and a bit weak as if her vocal chords would run away and never return.
Lauren thought of what to say. Could she tell her the truth? Could she tell her she missed her and needed her and hated the distance between them? That's all Lauren ever thought about, Camila and only Camila. "You." She admitted. It wasn't the whole truth, but it wasn't a lie.
Camila studied Lauren again. This time putting her right hand to Lauren's cheek to move a few stray hairs behind Lauren's ear so she had a full view of her complexion. Camila loved looking at Lauren, she was the finest piece of art Camila had ever laid her eyes on. Slowly, without realizing it, Camila leaned in and connected their lips. It wasn't the first time they had kissed, but Camila knew it would be the last. Lauren didn't push the younger one away. She knew Camila was vulnerable and needed affection, and they were always super close in that department. Besides, Lauren loved the feeling of Camila's lips on her own.
Camila abruptly broke there kiss and began to pace. Lauren knew this move. She was panicking. Camila ran her hands through her hair and kept apologizing for kissing Lauren. "Camz stop." Lauren pleaded, grabbing Camila's left arm and spinning her towards her. "Don't apologize for kissing me. Ever." Lauren knew she shouldn't be encouraging Camila to kiss her, that part of their relationship was in the past, but in the moment Lauren wanted so badly to be back in the past. "Why did you come to my room." she finally asked, looking Camila square in the eyes, examining their every thought. "I..." Camila was at a loss for words. "I..." She tried again as she ran her hand through her hair. Lauren just watched her, waiting.
"I want to know why today of all days, you choose to come out." Camila finally managed to get out, a bit harsher than intended. Lauren didn't looked shocked by Camila's tone, like she knew Camila would snap. "Because, it's special to me, and I wanted it to be special to the fans, even if it's not for the same reason." Lauren stated, still staring Camila down with her intense gaze. "Okay." Camila simply said, heading towards the door. "Where are you going?" Lauren asked, confused by Camila's sudden urge to leave. "Somewhere it wont hurt." Camila said blatantly, opening the door. She ignored Lauren's quit plea to come back and just continued to walk down the hall to wherever her feet lead her.
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Lauren was leaning against the wall, slowly sliding to the floor in defeat. "Why couldn't she have just stayed? Why wasn't I enough?" She cried out loud, cupping her face in her hands. After a few minutes of utter pain, Lauren stood up, turned off the water and stepped out of the shower. She never washed her body or hair for that matter, but she didn't care anymore. She needed Camila. Right now.
Camila's POV
I've been looking at you with a little something that you've been ignoring
You've been looking at me with I don't know what exactly, but it's boring
Play it cool but I see through it
You should listen...
Camila swiftly snoozed her alarm, rolling over and letting out a big yawn as she stretched to wake up all the muscles in her body. Today was her big day. The day she would release the article on the thing she has wanted to say most in this world. She sat herself up onto the edge of her bed and contemplated on her outfit for the day. After a long while of sifting through her clothes, Camila gave up in defeat and walked to the kitchen of her very tiny apartment. Her parents had insisted she move back home but she wanted no distractions when she was writing. At home, she always had something to do. Clean the kitchen, watch her sister, go to the store. She was like their personal nanny/maid. She loved her family more than anything, but she needed to focus on herself at the moment, and if that meant living alone, that's what she would have to do.
Just as Camila was beginning to cook her two eggs and toast, she heard a knock at the door. "Who is knocking on my door at 7 in the morning?" She whispered to herself in annoyance, not expecting any company that day. When she opened the door, she was immediately engulfed in a sent she knew all too well. "Chee chee!" She screamed out when her best friend finally let her go. "Hey Mila, sorry for the pop by but we got some news this morning." Dinah looked genuinely concerned and it maked Camila uneasy. "By we you mean..." She trailed off. "Me, Mani, Ally and... and Ally." Dinah said, almost saying Lauren's name. "Just you three?" Camila asked, confused by the whole situation at hand. "Mila, you should sit down." Dinah suggested, herself heading towards the couch. "Do the girls know you're here?" Camila asked, following the taller girl. "Yeah, they sent me. They both wanted to come but they aren't in town. I was put here on a layover for 5 hours and they said it was best to tell you in person."
Camila was looking at Dinah with a quizzed look. "They WANTED to come?" She exclaimed in disbelief. "Of course, we are still a family Mila." Dinah stated like it was a known fact. But really, it wasn't. Camila knew Ally wasn't mad at her, they occasionally talked, but mostly "How are you's" and "I loved that interview/photo/post" nothing too formal or personal. Normani on the other hand, Camila had spoken to her since she left. She tried to reach out but the queen of dance (her name is camila's phone) never returned her calls or texts. It must have been a real serious situation that Mani would be willing to see Camila, or maybe Dinah just said that to make Camila feel better. She settled for the latter.
"Mila, it's Lauren." Were the words that took Camila from her thoughts. "What?" She asked, not with concern but confusion. "She um, she's not okay." Dinah looked Camila in the eyes with genuine pain in her eyes. "Why are you telling me? Why did you guys think I needed to know this? She is the one who pushed me away remember?" Camila gradually got angrier and angrier, practically screaming her last sentence in her friend's face. "Mila don't do that..." Dinah plead but it just made Camila boil.
"I didn't fucking do anything Dinah! She did! I told her I loved her and she was the hardest to leave and that I never wanted it go to the way it did and just called me a lying bitch, so I'm not sorry that she's not okay. Its her own fucking fault. I'm not doing this again. Not now. Not today. Today is my day not hers." Camila was scream crying at this point overwhelmed with anger and sadness. Talking about Lauren always made her this way and Dinah knew that. Lauren was everything to Camila. "I don't love her anymore. I don't care how she is." Camila said, laying her head on the back of the couch as she began to cry. "Well damn..."
Camila knew that voice. It was sadder than it was is her dreams but that was the voice alright. It was raspy, filled with emotion, sexy, and welcoming. Camila shot her eyes open and turned towards the door. It wasn't her imagination playing tricks on her, it was in fact Lauren Jauregui standing in her doorway arms folded eyes watering from the words she heard Camila scream to pretty much everyone in her building. "Oh, by the way Mila, Lauren is on her way over. That's what i had to tell you" Dinah said so casually like it wasn't totally awkward. "I'll go." She said, standing up off the couch. Camila wasn't listening to her though, and totally missed her leave her apartment. Her eyes were entranced on Lauren. She couldn't move.
Lauren closed the door and stepped farther into the apartment, Camila watching every move. She was not longer angry or sad. The one person she always begged to see was standing right in front of her and Camila was speechless. It had been 6 months since she last saw Lauren, and it wasn't a good memory. She watched as Lauren took a set on the opposite end of the couch. They made eye contact for the first time and Camila swore they were more beautiful than she remembered. "I didn't know you hated me that much." Lauren casually said, breaking the silence. The sound of her voice gave Camila eargasms. God she missed her voice so much. "I... I don't... hate you..." Camila stuttered, trying to take in the moment as to not forget what Lauren looked like. She wanted to engrave her face into her memory forever. "That's not what it sounded like to me. You said you're self 'I don't love her anymore. I don't care how she is.' That sounds like hate to me." Lauren stated. Her voice no longer sounded weak or hurt to Camila, it sounded, amused?
"I didn't mean that... I was just angry." Camila tried to plea, knowing she sure as fuck still loved Lauren with all she was. "You've been angry with me before and never once have you said you didn't love me." Lauren stated. "Do you want me to love you?" Camila questioned. Lauren just looked at her as a small smile spread across her face. "You know, it takes 4 hours to walk here from my house. You should really live closer." Lauren stated, changing the subject. She couldn't tell Camila that she wanted her to still love her. Camila was the one person Lauren could count on her love her unconditionally. "Do you want me to love you?" She restated her question with a bit of anger behind it, throwing Lauren off. "Yes." She confessed, sitting back into the armrest of the couch.
Camila was taken aback by Lauren's confession. "She hates me though?" Camila questioned to herself. She did call her a bitch. That's not something you say to someone you love or who you want to love you. "Why are you here?" It wasn't the real question she wanted to ask, but it was a question she wanted answered. "I have dreams about you. Sometimes happy, but usually sad. It's mostly that day." Lauren didn't have to be specific Camila knew what day she was talking about. Though Lauren did say some things Camila would never get out of her memory, she was relentless when Lauren approached her about leaving.
Flashback-
"Seriously Camila, you're just gonna leave like that. Like we don't matter. Like I don't matter." Lauren put emphasis one "I" and it stung Camila a bit. They did matter. They were her family. They were what she knew best, but she needed to be herself and Fifth Harmony was not her. "You do matter, that's not what this is about, it's about me Lauren, I'm not happy."
"Not happy with me rejecting you or with the group as a whole?" Lauren questioned, burning Camila more. Camila loved Lauren and it was now being used against her. "I get it okay, you don't love me and you never did. Fuck! Rub it in my face some more why don't you! I was just something fun to 'do' on tour. You know how badly it hurts to be used Lauren, especially by you?" Camila spat. Lauren's eyes began to water. Camila was never just sex to her. Lauren loved Camila but her leaving was ruining everything. They were always at two ends when it came to their feelings because they both knew something was there but they never really admitted it. "You can't say that to me... You know you were not just sex to me Camila. Don't ever act like I never cared, you know I fucking care so damn much, but I'm not the one fucking leaving, you are!" Her words sat on Camila's heart. "Lauren I'm in love with you okay... I never wanted things to go this way. Please don't do this to me... to us." Camila's tears were falling hard now. she could not longer see clearly. Lauren pressed her lips together and spat the six words that would haunt Camila from that day forward, "You're such a fucking lying bitch!"
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Camila began to cry at the memory. Why were they always like this. They were the best of friends, so close people thought they were dating. though at times, they kind of were. She missed that. The last year and a half that Camila was in the group, her and Lauren had many fights. They always ended in one leaving and the other heartbroken for a week or more. But, they always found a way back to each other except that time it was different, that time it was the end. At least, Camila thought it was until Lauren showed up at her house that Sunday morning.
Lauren saw Camila shed a tear and moved closer to her out of instinct. Anytime the other one cried, they couldn't help but hold each other until the tears stopped. Lauren wrapped her left arm around Camila and pulled her to her chest, shedding a few tears herself knowing exactly why Camila was crying. Crying in each others arms was 100 times better than crying over the same thing alone. They both had build up emotions that they wanted to express to the other but never had the chance until Lauren couldn't take the pain anymore and marched over to Camila's.
They didn't know how long they stayed in their embrace but neither cared. Each breathing in the others' sent trying to memorize it. Lauren stroked Camila's back like she used to and Camila played with hem of Lauren's shirt. It was so strange how they could so easily fall back into the same old habits.
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6pm
"Camila, are you sure you want this to go out?" Camila's publisher asked with concern. "Yes I'm sure. I'm ready and no one can really stop me." Camila stated, not looking from her phone, smiling when it vibrated indicating she had a text message. "I tried too actually. I still don't think it's a good idea. Not career wise, but like emotionally. This is very personal Camila." The young girl still hadn't looked up from her phone. "Who are you texting?" Her publisher asked a little annoyance in her voice because Camila was always engaged until now. "No one important..." She lied, still not looking up. "Then the smiling and texting can wait." She was stern and tapping her left foot. "Just tell Billboard to release it now so I can leave please." Camila's tone was stern and a bit annoyed. "Fine, but I liked you better when you were in Fifth Harmony..." And with that, she left the room making a call to Billboard to release Camila's article.
Author's Note
What do you guys think so far? I love comments and suggestions. Let me know if I should continue.
-Brianna