AN: Okay so I was listening to Star-Dust from the Rogue One soundtrack while writing this, and damn, it fit this chapter too well. I linked it in case you guys want to listen while you read. Other than that, there's a deep aesthetic at the bottom...Oh! THIS BOOK WON THIRD IN THE CRAZE AWARDS! YAYYY!!! WARNING: This chapter contains some sensitive material, such as PTSD and a panic attack. Please be cautious if this hits home with you.
There were a few hours when the city of Ralock fell quiet, and the drunks had either found their way home, or crashed somewhere along the way. Others slept soundly in their homes, tucked away from the howling winds of the night. Fest's temperature dropped by the hour, accompanied by more and more snow.
Ralock was tucked between mountains in a small valley made of hard, blue ice. Sturdy bridges linked the whole city together, in between the large crevices with long drops. Talia had been lucky enough to see some of the inhabitants wandering home after a tough night of partying or work. The population had mainly been humans, but there were a few colonies here and there of the adorable beings Cassian called Ewoks.
The new plan was to lay low for a few days. With the recent run in with a bounty hunter, Cassian thought it to be too risky to go back to Dantooine base. So, finding refuge on Fest seemed to be the best option. Cassian went out to get food from his neighbor, and promised to be back quickly. It gave enough time for Talia to observe the place.
A light layer of dust covered the furniture. A hastily made bed sat in the corner of the room. The couch and chairs appeared to be hardly used. Photographs and Cassian's items littered the coffee table. All of the frames on the green walls were empty, but one portrait of Cassian's family. He warned her not to go into the back bedrooms, but she didn't question why. This was his old home, and it only felt right to respect his privacy.
Talia lightly touched her bitten arm, tracing her fingers along the bandages. Even as she looked around, her mind was elsewhere, back in that alleyway where she murdered her first victim. The moment replayed in her mind, over and over again. She couldn't tell if it was the guilt eating her alive, or if she was just psyching herself out because of what it meant to take a life. Talia peered down at her hand, and found herself subconsciously playing with the holochip Captain Antilles had given her.
The front door opened, and Cassian stepped inside with a bag in his hand. He saw Talia standing there in her own little world as he set the food down on the coffee table.
It was time.
Whatever was on the holochip, Cass was meant to see it. Talia should have remembered to give it to him when she had the chance, but everything from that day clouded her mind too much. Now she had to accept the consequences of how he was going to react.
Talia straightened her posture and put on a brave face. Her stomach twisted anxiously as she held out the holochip. "This is for you. Captain Antilles gave it to me to pass on to you, but..." I forgot. She thought bitterly before continuing, "...but I was too disoriented from the battle to remember."
Cassian's eyebrow twitched and he took it from her. "What's on it?" He started walking to his old room, which had a holoprojector. He used to come back all the time on his father's birthday to replay old holograms. A part of him wondered if his father had anticipated an early death, and that's why he wanted to record every special moment with little baby Cassian.
Talia shrugged as she followed him. "Not sure. Antilles never explained." She glanced around his old room before sitting down on his small, comfy bed. A thick layer of dust settled on everything it could. The gray walls were faded, and the drawings he had pinned on there were even more so. A chest full of toys sat next to the holoprojector on the table, but as far as furniture went, that's all that the room contained.
Simple. Clean. Everything Cassian was as a spy. No surprise there.
Cassian sat down on the edge of the bed next to her as he pushed play.
"Is the holocamera on?"
No. No. No. No. No. Cassian's eyes widened when he recognized the voice. A hologram of his mother popped up. She was on the floor, huddled up against the wall like a wounded animal. Cassian's hand gripped the bed frame as if he were about to rip it right off. He narrowed his dark eyes at the woman that abandoned him.
After a pause, Xyrias started talking once more, "I, Lilandra Sward, have-" She stopped and winced. Her shaky hands made contact with the gaping wound in her side. A dark mush of blood stained her clothes. She forced herself to go on, "...have secured the deal with Incom Corporation. The Rebellion will have access to the newly developed T-65 X-Wing Starfighters once they are built."
Another voice, presumably the Incom worker she made the deal with, spoke from behind the camera, "Anyone that mentions the codename Sightline will be granted access. No one would ever mention the targeting system by that name, other than the scientists behind it. It's the safest bet to effectively communicate before the raid."
"These starfighters will change the war. You'll have to send the best of the best to get them." Xyrias inhaled steadily, but couldn't fix the shakiness that was caused by the unbearable pain. She grit her teeth for a second to regain her composure before continuing, "If my son isn't dead by then, send him. Send Joreth. He will not fail." Her eyes began to droop, until she pushed herself to keep her head up. "Please...after the mission is over, give him this hologram."
Tapping and yelling echoed from the background. The Incom worker accidentally shook the camera as he looked away, then readjusted it. He spoke up, worry clear in his voice, "The Imperials are going to get inside soon."
"You'll have enough t-time to escape. Let me just say s-something to my son." The hologram flickered for a second. She peered directly into the camera, as if she were staring right into Cassian's eyes.
Cassian furrowed his eyebrows as his mind raced. What? Like how you feel terrible for abandoning me? You left without a word! Not even a goodbye. How could you treat me like this? I'm your son! He yearned to scream out at the hologram, yet it was no use. She would never hear him say that. He would never get an answer. All that was left was what she said next.
"Rebellions are built on hope, Joreth. You are the hope. You always have been. One day you're going to save the galaxy. J-just know that I'm proud of you. I-" Xyrias stopped herself and stared at the camera. Her brow furrowed as tears flooded her green eyes. Her voice began to crack, "I don't remember the l-last time I told you I love you. I love y-you with a-all my heart."
Xyrias smiled weakly at the camera, eyes full to the brim with tears. She leaned against the wall more, and her breathing slowly calmed. "Forgive me. I-I'm so sorry, mijo, for everything. Forgive m-me..."
When she stopped moving, the Incom worker called out, "Ms. Sward? Ms. Sward!" The hologram cut and abruptly turned off.
A long silence reigned. Talia moved her mouth to say something, but didn't know what to start with. She witnessed Cass' mother's death right in front of him, not to mention the fact that she forgot to give him the holochip in the first place. Her breathing shallowed, and suddenly a flush of anxiousness rushed through her. Talia broke the silence, "Cass, I-I didn't kno-"
Cassian held himself back from yelling and quietly interrupted her, "Get out." A heavy weight fell onto his chest, causing him to exhale. He rested his elbow on his knee and set his hand on the edge of his brow, covering his eyes. Water formed behind his closed eyelids, yet he held them back.
Talia nodded grimly and walked out of the room. She stopped at the door, thinking about what had just happened and if she should comfort him. At a time like this, her motherly instincts kicked in, but this wasn't a hurt child. This was a broken man. The only thing that would give him comfort was some space. Talia bit her tongue before closing the door behind her.
Tears fell out of Cassian's eyes. A few little whimpers rapidly turned into full-fledged sobs. He cried, his whole body moving with each broken sob.
Everything suddenly made so much sense. Xyrias was the reason why Captain Antilles asked him to join the mission. He wondered about how they had access to the prototypes, but never received an answer until now. This was never mentioned to him. Even when Xyrias left for the last time, he never knew what mission it was for. When she never came back, no one would tell him what happened, or why. All Cassian knew was she disappeared. He half thought she was tired of him and that's why she left. The other remained hopeful, thinking she was off on an espionage mission and was soon due to come home. But now? Now he knew.
Questions now remained. How long did Captain Antilles know? The Senate? Did one of his buddies know? How could they do this to him? How could they let him torment himself on the inside, and just stand by, watching it happen?
Cassian's stomach lurched and contorted. Some bile rose in his throat, causing him to rapidly swallow it back down. He clutched his chest as it rose and fell quickly, feeling his airways constricting inside of him. His brown eyes glanced around the room as a sudden urge of panic and fear overcame him. No, please! Not again...
The urge to scream struck his system. He opened his mouth to yell, yet nothing came out. He desperately wished to call for help, but some part of him didn't want to be seen this way. Having a panic attack could mean he was unfit for duty, and without this role, he was nothing. He lived the Rebellion. Bled for it. Breathed its life right into his lungs. If that were all taken away, he didn't know what he'd do. His mind began to race with different thoughts.
Failing the Rebellion was entirely possible. If he had, that was it. He'd die as a failed spy. The other rebels would shut him out. Disrespect his name when he was gone. He would end up forgotten in time. Or what if he let down his comrades? He would fail his makeshift family. They'd die because of him. The rest of the crew might disown him. Throw him out to the curb. He'd have nowhere to call home.
His mind switched to memories like a bolt of lightning. All those wretched memories of loss. Friends' assassinations. Their failures. How he failed to have their backs at certain moments that led to their ultimate demise. All those civilian casualties tortured him. The Empire took, and took, and took. Lives, food, shelter, anything they could get their grimy hands on at the expense of the citizens. Those women, children, and poor defenseless civilians...Their body count could wrap around Coruscant thrice over.
The memory of his father flashed through his mind, causing Cassian to whimper loudly. His muscles tensed up and sweat formed on his brow. Hardly any oxygen flowed to his lungs. The heart beating on overtime in his chest ached immensely.
This chaos all happened because of war.
War had taken so much from all of them. Was living even worth it anymore? Could they win this losing war? Why did it always seem like Cassian was on the team of the underdogs? If his life had turned out different, would he have sided with the Empire? These questions bolted through his mind at pod racer speeds, causing him to hold his head in pain.
Everything happened so fast. He couldn't keep up.
His mind flipped a switch. He remembered the terrible things he'd done. Those crushing, horrendous things... The assassinations, murders, thievery, set ups, sabotages, and more. They haunted him, floating around his mind like endless ghosts. They whispered evil things to him, causing him to doubt himself. To doubt his cause. His friends were assassins. Saboteurs. Spies. People that have done horrible things, and for what? A losing side of war.
They weren't any better than the Empire.
Cassian's hands scratched at his hair, tugging on the ends in frustration before falling limp beside him. His lip twitched; he closed his eyes in an attempt to recompose himself. Numbers popped into his mind steadily, allowing him to count them out of order under his shaky breath. He struggled to stay focused and gave up that attempt.
Find something good to focus on...
Then the memory rushed back to his mind. The last time he saw his mother was one of his happiest memories.
Xyrias paced around the small room she called home. Her bright red face darkened as she cussed in another language. Her hands clawed at the ends of her hair, nearly tearing them off in frustration. The blood in her veins boiled; many emotions coursed through her, but one stuck with her the most. Loss of hope.
"Mama, what is wrong?" Eighteen year old Cassian sat on his mother's cot. He'd been out on his own for two years, spying on the Empire at various locations. He counted down the days until the anniversary of his father's death, and decided to surprise his mother with a visit. No one deserved to mourn alone. Except instead of finding her in a state of sadness, he found her in one of her worst moods.
She threw her hands up, nearly yelling, "What's wrong? Do you not keep up with the news anymore?"
If he knew he would've found her upset, he would've dropped by later when she had calmed down. A stir of hatred swirled around in Cassian's chest. She was never the best person when she was angry. "I haven't been back at the base for months. What happened?"
"Some Imperial cadet fool from Carida thought it would be funny to blow the academy's logo off the face of the Mascot Moon with antimatter."
So what? It was a moon that was a mascot for the school. Why was that important? Cassian's brow lifted as he questioned, "And?"
"And he miscalculated and blew up the whole moon! I had an operative there. The closest one we had to the damn academy. He was feeding us as much intel as he could from encrypted Imperial messages, to what their coordinated air battles were like. All of that, gone!" Xyrias plopped down on the cot in defeat. Her breathing steadied; her blood lowered to a simmer. A wave of despair washed over her, and she lowered her voice, "He was the best hope we had. I have no clue on what to do now."
"He wasn't the best hope. Rebellions are built on hope. All of us working together is the best hope we have." Cassian looked over at her, not sure if he should hug her or not. This was the first time he'd seen his mother give up hope, the very foundation on which their lives were built on. He had to raise her spirits, so he decided to continue, "You are doing your best to keep these ops running. Don't beat yourself up over one lost operative. We know what we sign up for."
Xyrias hesitated, and took a moment to really look at her son. He wasn't the boy she knew anymore. He was a man, and more importantly, a hard working Rebel. "Is this my son trying to give me a pep talk?"
Cassian rubbed the back of his neck. He shrugged slightly, almost nervous about how she would react next. "Is it working? I'm not sure if I'm doing it right."
"It's working." She thought for a moment, remembering what day it was, and a frown formed on her lips. The anger, fear, panic, and more faded away, leaving an empty void in its place. "I know why you came down here."
The young rebel started to defend himself in fear of rejection, "I wanted to sp-"
Xyrias cut him off and hugged him tightly. "Thank you." Cassian wrapped his arms around his mother, hugging her back. He couldn't remember the last time he'd hugged his mother, or even heard her be thankful to him. Both of them sat in silence for a moment until Xyrias backed away. "I was going to make your father's favorite food today. Would you care to join me?"
Cassian thought back to what it was. A bubble of energy flowed through his system as he remembered. It was the same as his. Endwa. He almost jumped out of his seat upon hearing this. He hadn't had Endwa since his father died. "Yes!" He quickly calmed down and cleared his throat, "I mean...I would love to, Mama."
Cassian came back to reality when his breathing had calmed; he still could barely move his limbs. The memory of sharing homemade food with his mother slowly faded away into the back crevices of his mind. He looked around the room, remembering where he was and what had just occurred.
In these bleak moments, Cassian knew that the Rebellion wasn't pure. He was living proof.
Darkness isn't only in the Empire.