I wanna hold your hand so tight I'm gonna break my wrist,
and when the vultures sing tonight I'm gonna join right in.
-Pierce the Veil, Bulletproof Love
I kept humming the song that I loved so much under my breath as I went through the day. I was singing of love but I was even barely hanging on which was partially ironic in my part. I let out a bitter laugh and a heavy sigh as another song came to my mind, letting me reminisce what bits of my formerly good life that I had left.
It’s not that I don’t have good memories to think about. I have them stored in my brain but the bad outweighs the good so I can’t help it but feel pain whenever someone mentions about spending the weekend with their dads or talking about their girl or boyfriends. It’s just painful for me to hear it.
Too painful for me sometime, it’s telling me how messed up my life was.
I don’t need reminders. I really don’t need reminders. I can see it every day; whenever I wake up screaming from my nightmares, everytime I had to take my pills to calm myself down and the every few weeks I had to visit the psychiatrist. I didn’t need the reminders at all. I know how messed up my life is. I know how broken I was inside.
I just can’t take this. I let out a sigh as I made my way back towards my locker, glad that school has already ended for the day because I didn’t know how much I can take it any longer. Crowds of students pass by quickly, rushing out of the school since it was Friday night.
I watched them leave, chatting and laughing jovially with their friends. I knew half of them had plans; going to parties or just hanging out with their families over the weekend. I sighed as I see their happiness rolling off them in waves, wishing that I can just be carefree for once. Why can’t I be happy for once? It’s like the sun has been snuffed out in my mind, I feel like life is so bleak to me right now.
I opened my locker and was about to grab my bag to stuff it with books when I saw the folder that was folded above it. Curious, I picked it up and frowned at the piece of crumpled paper. This feels like deja vu somehow.
Hi Angel,
Sorry about that. I guess I’m still the same insensitive jerk I used to be. I’m sorry about the things that I had done, I would’ve told you sooner or later but you didn’t deserve to know about my past that I hated like that. I didn’t picture it like that. Anyway, I’ll be around.
I love you.
P.S I got your locker’s combination freshmen year so I guess it’s better if you know mine. Its 450615
I stared unseeingly at the piece of paper that I was holding on. It looked like the letter had been drafted out on a piece of lined paper, hastily torn since I could see the ragged edges around it. I knew who it was from. Of course I knew who else calls me Angel but him? I felt my heart soar.
He’d written and apologised.
I stared at the letter like as if it’s going to disappear soon after I blink once and I will just regret dreaming of it. My hands started to shake involuntarily and I took a very shaky breath, trying to calm my racing heart. I didn’t expect him to write to me at all. I didn’t expect him to acknowledge me either.
Should I reply him?
What should I do?
I looked around the hallway I was in. I didn’t know why but I had a gut feeling that someone was watching me. There were still people around, lounging by the walls with their friends chatting about their days but I saw no one looking at my way and if there were, they were doing very discreetly.
Feeling very paranoid, I tried to shake the feeling off my shoulders and concentrate on the letter in hand. Screw it. I’m dealing with that later.
I let out a sigh as I gathered my books for the next period after gym. It was Geography next and I wasn’t really looking forward to class since I had a mother of a headache that was splitting in my skull. I grabbed my tumbler next before I shut the locker tightly. I didn’t know how he got my locker’s combination and I was about to find out.
As I made my way across the hall and down the stairs, I could feel the paper that I had folded into my pocket. That paper felt heavy on my leg and I could feel my heart soaring in my chest. A smile carved itself a way on my lips and I let out a brief chuckle at my sudden euphoria. It’s been a long time since I actually smiled or actually felt this insanely happy just because a certain someone wrote me a letter. I must be going crazy or something. I kind of like this feeling.
I mean who wouldn’t?
After years of abuse and fear, I have cut myself off from any emotion. I had steeled my heart just in case anyone so happens to come along and hurt me. It’s just a safety precaution; my many walls that I had put up over the years just to protect myself from the hurt that I knew would come.
So what am I supposed to do? Should I let him in? Or should I just continue with what I’m doing to myself? I don’t want that, I feel naked whenever one of my walls crashed down around me. I don’t like feeling vulnerable especially around Blake. I still have yet to know him; I don’t want myself to be hurt. I don’t think I can take it.
I don’t know if I should.
I let out a sigh again. There’s so much drama and so much to think about.
…
I woke up shocked that I didn’t scream from a nightmare and frowned when I realised that I didn’t dream. Rubbing my eyes sleepily, I made my way groggily out of my room. ‘Mum, why didn’t you wake me up for work? I’m already late and Liam will most…’ I started blabbering to Mum and only opened my eyes fully when I heard that we had visitors in the house. When I realised that we had other people, I trailed off and stared.
‘Oh hello Allison, good afternoon!’ an unfamiliar lady was seated on the sofa just spoke to me cheerfully. I gaped at her and she just kept on smiling which was very eerie so I switched my attention to the other two people that were with her. Caden and a girl which looked like the devil incarnate of a sibling-was seated next to each other, both were watching me with amused and bored expressions.
Their eyes raked downwards to my body so I mimicked their movement, I looked down at what I was wearing. I had worn shorts and a black tank top to bed so obviously I was getting stares from them. Hey, I just have woken up from sleep! I let out a sigh and ran a hand through my hair before leaving them, wandering towards the kitchen instead where I knew Mum was.
‘Mum why didn’t you wake me up to tell me that we had visitors?’ I asked her sweetly as I entered the kitchen because I knew they can hear the conversation. ‘I look indiscreet in this get-up.’
Mum was busy making lunch when I entered the kitchen. When she heard me talk, she spun from her mixing to give me a hug and a kiss before turning her attention back to her cooking. ‘Sorry Honey, I wanted to let you sleep longer since you don’t get enough all the time besides you sleep easier in the morning,’ she told me with her back to me.
I rolled my eyes at her but smiled at her words. It was true, I slept easier in the mornings. I gave her a hug from behind and leaned forwards to peck her cheek which made her laugh. I waltzed my way out of the kitchen and pass the visitors, not caring their curious gazes at my sleeping attire before twirling my way into my room to get cleaned up.
I mean at least I was wearing something.
Twenty minutes later, I stood in front of my mirror fully-clothed and freshly bathed. I was wearing a colour block vintage shirt and a pair of pale pink ripped jeans with black sneakers. I ran a hand through my short hair, watching it fall back smoothly onto my forehead before making my way out of my room.
I had styled it short since it was harder to run and maintain if I had longer hair. I usually don’t bother with my hair since it’s going to get messy sooner or later so that’s why I made the decision to just let my hair stay short. I had cut it concave style so it still looks a bit feminine since Mum is always insisting that I should look more ‘girly’ instead of my usual ‘tomboy’ look I was aiming at.
Thus concave it was.
I twisted on my heel after having enough of staring at myself before opening the door from my room and made my way out, passing the living room before turning towards the dining area where I could hear sounds of chatter and socializing. I don’t know how I’m supposed to react to this kind of gathering so I’ll just go with the damn flow.
Just go with it Ally.
The visitors were seated around the dining table by the time I was out. They were chatting about something and laughing heartily. My heart squeezed tightly, it’s been a long time since I was part of this kind of gathering. Mum greeted me warmly, gesturing to sit beside her and Caden before piling food onto my plate.
‘So Allison, where are you schooling at?’ the lady from before asked me as soon as I started scooping food into my mouth. I watched her for a moment, noting the pristine look she had on herself. She was like a strict businessman or something, so petite yet firm.
‘Shepard High,’ I answered her easily.
‘It’s that the one by the highway 34 and beside that church?’ she asked me which I nodded in answer. She smiled at me and then continued with her conversation. She loves asking questions though, like a normal mother. ‘I heard from your mother that you love softball and ice-skating, Lily there does ice-skating too from time to time.’
I glanced at the girl seated beside her mother. She was the opposite. Her mother was white and sparkly while she’s moody and dark. She somewhat glared at me which made me smile awkwardly before looking away, thinking if I don’t she might tackle me and strangle me at the way she looked at me.
‘Yeah but I’m more to softball,’ I replied the lady with a half shrug as I scooped more food into my mouth, chewing slowly and savouring the flavour. It was getting a little bit tense in here and I kept glancing over at Mum who was giving me small smiles as she too can sense the tension in the atmosphere.
‘Softball huh?’ Caden asked me, nudging my arm a little. I slid a look at him, shrugging at him like as if saying that it wasn’t a big deal at all. He gave me a mischievous grin before he asked me the question that was brimming on his tongue. ‘That’s cool, what position are you in?’
‘The Captain of the team?’ I answered him but I made it sound as if it was a question instead of an answer which made him look at me with newfound respect so I tried to shrug it off again. I can feel the other two ladies looking at me. ‘It’s not a big deal anyway, so what are you doing now? Studying for college?’
‘My son is in the Ivy League,’ the lady replied suddenly which made the rest of us turn to stare at her, confused at her sudden outburst. I frowned a little at her action but that all burst when Caden started chuckling, somewhat embarrassed as he ran a hand nervously through his hair and blushing a little.
‘But I got kicked out anyway so I’m transferring to a nearby college here,’ he told us and shrugged as if it was a normal thing. I stared at him in shock, not knowing what to say. I mean dropping out of a prestigious school is like a nightmare and humiliating. ‘Mum is still refusing to accept it so I’m sorry for that bit.’
And from then on, it got more awkward. I was literally praying in my mind for someone to just come knocking on my door to get me out of this tensed lunch gathering of the neighbours. I was staring listlessly at my plate, scooping food after food mechanically as I hear awkward conversations between Mum and Caden.
The lady pointedly glared at me and Mum, refusing to speak about anything but not leaving from our house. I think she thinks that it was just rude to leave the meal halfway but it wasn’t really helping the situation. The girl-Lily was just there but not there, like as if her body is there by the table yet her mind is far away from this world. I didn’t mind either of them not paying attention but this is just too damn awkward. There’s no laughter, no teasing and yes I know this wasn’t what I was imagining at all.
Someone please come-
The doorbell rang so suddenly, answering my prayers. Shocked that my prayers were answered, I shot out of the chair before Mum could leave to get it. I hurriedly left the room and on towards the front door, opening it to see a gasping Liam by the entrance. At first I thought he was about to scold me for ditching him but then seeing the look on his face meant something else.
‘Mitchell’s in the hospital.’
I paled.
…
‘Ally, please listen to me darling. You need to get some rest, please go home and sleep. You haven’t been sleeping for four days now honey, please don’t torture yourself any longer,’ Mum pleaded at me as I stared listlessly at my bestfriend who was still unconscious. I could feel her standing behind me.
I ignored her.
I heard her sigh and she leaned down to press a kiss on my temple before leaving for work. She didn’t try to force me again, she would know. I remained seated without moving a muscle. I stared at Mitchie who was fast asleep on the bed. It has been four days since I had found him beaten up, bruised and bleeding. I didn’t know what actually happened but seeing the injuries, obviously he was in a fight.
But that was the first time I had seen him lose. I know him, he never lose in a fight. Mitchie had never lost before. My heart clenched in pain as my eyes roved over the bruises on his face and arms, his knuckles broken and his whole body swamped with bandages. He was banged up pretty badly, broken bones here and there.
My vision became cloudy and I could feel my eyes brimming with tears again. I choked out a sob and began crying for the billionth time in the four days I was here. It was painful to see your bestfriend who was so strong and cheerful lay so broken and unresponsive in front of you. It’s just so painful.
‘Son of a bitch, why do you always have to be involved in fights,’ I muttered under my breath as I hung my head, feeling the tears caress my cheeks and drop onto my lap. I took shuddering breaths as I tried to calm myself. ‘You love scaring me and worrying me to death, do you know that?’
I knew I was getting crazy, I was talking to an unresponsive person but I knew he can hear me. I hastily wiped the tears and let out a sigh, letting my head fall back as I stared at the ceiling. I’ve been here in this damn hospital ward after school and during weekends, spending most nights in this place. I hadn’t been getting enough sleep because I was so worried about him and I didn’t want to experience those nightmares at all.
Other than lack of sleep, I’ve been pushing myself to run.
Mum knew about it but she knew enough not to question what I was doing. I know what I’m doing might crash my body but I didn’t care. Mitchie was lying in front of me passed out for days already and I can’t take it. I just couldn’t accept seeing him so broken and vulnerable. I just couldn’t.
I let out a shaky breath and rested my elbow on my lap, cradling my head in my hands. I pressed my hot forehead against my cool hands, wanting some form of comfort, wanting the pounding headache to go away. ‘Wake up Mitchie, I need you,’ I croaked at him, my throat clogging up as I could feel my eyes tearing up again.
I blinked furiously as I tried to stop crying.
I leaned forward and grasped his hand in mine, squeezing it lightly. I dragged the chair closer so that I can get comfortable and started drawing on his palm absentmindedly. I stared down at his calloused palms and traced over the lines, smiling a little since I used to do that when we were freshmen.
Once I was done tracing, I flipped his hand over and stared down at the familiar scar that was on his wrist. I traced over that scar, remembering the moment when he had gotten it. I let out a heavy sigh as I reminisced memory after memory, tracing scars after scars on his arm.
I remembered people asking him how he got his scars and how come he had so many on him. Girls used to gush amongst each other, saying that he got the scars through the fights he was involved in, saying that he got the scars through the gunfights or the sword fights he was involved in. Each rumour getting more fictional than the previous one.
But Mitchie, being the bad boy just gave them his smug smile before saying that he got them through numerous fights thanks to his gang. He won’t say when and how but then he’d look over at me, his eyes twinkling mischievously. I will usually give him my dramatic eye-roll where he’d burst out laughing suddenly.
That usually makes his audience burst into another round of questions.
‘Are you even sure you got them through fights Mitchell? Please! I don’t believe you one bit!’ one kid scoffed at him, making the crowd around him swear and curse at him for daring to question Mitchie’s scars. I laughed at them, secretly enjoying this turn of events and watched them as they peppered Mitchie with more questions where he answered them vaguely.
‘How do you get this scar Mitchell?’ one girl asked him, pointing at the one scar he had on his face, the one on his forehead. It was usually covered thanks to his dark hair but he had smoothed it over his head so that everyone could see it clearly. I knew the story to that scar. It was embarrassing.
Mitch just shrugged and said that he fell which was partly true. I rolled my eyes at him and mouthed ‘liar’ to him since I knew the whole story. He looked a little sheepish since he saw me and ran another hand through his hair as he laughed at his fans. The girls started squealing again.
I rolled my eyes at him, shaking my head and grinning my head off since I knew he loved the attention everyone was giving him. It made him feel special even though he wasn’t trying very hard. He was half Spanish so he got the good looks from his dad which made the girls go crazy as he passed the hallways.
Every scar that was on his body had a story. It’s the same as mine just that nobody knows about it except for Mitchie and Mum. They’re scars, meant to be hidden not meant to boast about. It’s just so hideous and shameful to let people know that your body is marred by scars. Not a conversation topic either. You’re not beautiful if your body is full of scars. I knew it was stereotypical thinking but everyone is thinking about it.
People’s opinion about me would change if they know I had scars everywhere.
It’s not a typical thing for everyone to see.
I sighed and leaned back on my chair to watch Mitchie who was still fast asleep on his bed. He had taken a bad beating and I knew his body needed time to mend. His mind had shut down thanks to the pain and the doctors had put him under a sleep-induced coma to help his body cope.
It’s the second time he’d been admitted to hospital. Both times were because of fights and the police had to be involved. They had come on the first day but left since he was under the influence of a coma. They took my statements but I knew next to nothing so they told me they’d be back once he wakes up.
I prayed that the fight wasn’t because of his gang or that it wasn’t him that threw the first punch. I can’t bear it if he gets send to the boys’ home again. It was the worst few months of my life when Mitchie wasn’t by my side but I thanked God that it was during the summer holidays so I didn’t have to deal with the bullies in school.
But I shuddered at the memory; it wasn’t the best summer ever.
I looked down at my right arm instinctively, tracing over the obvious scar that stretched from my wrist to my elbow. I had thirty-six stitches just to get the skin patched together. I got that during that accursed summer where Mitchie was sent to that boys’ home. I told you it wasn’t the best summer. It was last year.
I had just got back from school one day.
Dad was already home and that was a first. I didn’t notice it and just went in without announcing that I was home. I dropped my keys onto the living room table and dropped my bag onto the sofa, stretching a little at my taut back before making my way towards the kitchen to get a glass of water.
I had the glass poised over my mouth when I heard him coming.
Fear clenched in my gut and I could hear another woman’s giggling which caused me to frown at that unknown giggle. That wasn’t Mum. I just knew it. Dad was having an affair right under our noses. He stopped short when he saw me and anger rose in his eyes. I just stared at them both, wide-eyed and afraid.
I just didn’t know what to do; I openly stared at the man who used to be my role model. Well he wasn’t my role model anymore, seeing him treat me like dirt and seeing him look at me like as if I was an abomination. I looked at him with disgust and turned to see the tramp that was looking at me like I was trash.
‘Hello Dad, good to see you home for once,’ I greeted him sarcastically, anger brewing inside me for once instead of fear. I was mad, yes I was really mad. Just because he was strong and he was a man, he can just do whatever he wants and openly betray Mum like that made me furious.
At least divorce her you coward.
‘Who is she-‘
‘Get upstairs,’ the devil himself cut her harshly. I saw the tramp glare at me before turning her nose and climbing up the stairs. I gripped the glass in my hand hard as I watched her leave and turned my attention back at him. Disgust, pity and hatred were all I felt for him right now. ‘What are you doing here back so early?’
‘I didn’t have softball,’ I answered him pointedly. ‘And who is that Dad? Just an easy lay for you is it? Mum isn’t good enough for you anymore?’
‘You shut your mouth!’
‘Isn’t that the truth?’ I asked him, knowing that I was crossing the line for talking back at him. I was mad. This was a low blow even for him. ‘If we’re such trash to you Dad, why don’t you just throw us away and be done with it? At least my life would be easier.’
His eyes turned dark and his hands curled into fists-a sure sign that he was angry. ‘This is what you say to me when I worked my ass off for you?’ he shouted. ‘IS THIS THE THANKS THAT I GET FOR MY FUCKING SACRIFICE? YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MY LIFE IS THANKS TO THAT WHORE OF A WIFE!’
I flinched under his anger but I tried not to show him fear. He was towering over me by a head and his body was twice as big as my own. I was no match for him and I knew it but I was so hurt and betrayed that I didn’t care. I really didn’t care. ‘YEAH? THEN YOU COULD’VE LEFT US AND WE’D BE BETTER OFF WITHOUT YOU!’
That broke his dam. That sentence made him come towards me, fists clenched so tightly which I pushed him off me with all my might. He staggered backwards, his back hitting the kitchen counter and he looked around to find some sort of weapon. His eyes glinted evilly and saw his hand curl around a knife. My heart sank.
He came towards me again, slashing blindly at me, the knife slicing at the air as he struck. I dodged every blow as best I could, not letting the knife cut through skin but then, I found myself cornered. I had nowhere to go, stuck between the fridge and the table. Fear was clawing my chest and my mind screaming at me that I was done for.
Oh God, please help me.
I can’t get out from this position. My heart was beating so hard in my chest that it was threatening to jump out from me physically. He was blocking the only exit and I am not stepping within ten feet from him, not when he was holding that knife. I eyed the knife he was holding, seeing the sharp edge and saw him grin before he lashed out again. Instinct made me move my armsup to protect my face. I closed my eyes as I waited for the pain. I felt the blade gliding across my skin but I felt nothing.
I felt nothing, oh my god am I dead? Am I finally dead?
I opened my eyes just to check and looked down to see my right arm covered with blood. A scream could be heard, I didn’t know who was screaming that blood-curdling scream so I covered my ears to stem out the sharp noise. That man disappeared in one moment. I saw him towering over me, smiling sadistically and the next, I saw him passed out on the floor.
I looked up to see the tramp holding onto my softball bat looking pale as ever. I must have passed out after that because by the time I had woken up; I was in the hospital ward with my arm stitched up and bandaged tightly but with no sign of that wh-lady. I think she was the one who had sent me to the hospital. Thanking her in my mind, I let myself fall into nothingness. Suddenly feeling wary again.
I looked down at my arm, that scar was the most visible ever.
I hated it because I couldn’t hide it.
I hated that man. Still do.
Turning over to see Mitchie, I gripped his big hand again with my right arm and willed him silently to wake up on my mind. I still need him God, please don’t take him away from me. He’s there for me and makes me feel better, please don’t take him away. Please don’t take him away yet. I still need him in my life.
Please God, don’t take him away from me.
Please.
…