Niall had carefully opened the envelope and pulled out the one sheet of paper it contained.:
"Hey Bro" he read,
"I've been promised that you'll be given this one letter but I'd better let you know that we've all been told that there will be no further chance to communicate with you until the doctors decide you are, in their words, " well enough ". Not sure what they mean by that bro, but please get better soon.
Nialler, they seem pretty determined that you need this time away to adjust and I guess I/ we agree with them. Harry, Liam and I have been real worried about you. We know that you think you can look after yourself , mate, but your track record hasn't been so great. Ignoring stuff isn't going to make it miraculously go away, bro.
I expect you're angry right now, I guess I would be too, having my liberty taken away, but you need this Ni. Please don't fight this.
Take care of yourself, mate.
Louis
In a fit of temper, Niall screwed up the paper into a ball and threw it across the room. Even his so called mates were against him. Angry tears found their way down his cheeks and he dashed them away, furious with himself at his own weakness. He pulled the blanket off his knees and slowly pushed himself to his feet, wobbling dangerously as he balanced on weak legs.
"Niall, what are you doing?" the nurse hurried into the room and quickly put a supporting arm around Niall's small waist. " Let's get you back to bed, hunny". She guided him across the room and settled him back into his bed, pulling the covers over him. "I told you to stay put" she chided gently as Niall turned his head away. "Anyway, after lunch and a nap, I'll take you out into the garden. You can have some fresh air." She bustled about him, chatting pleasantly but all Niall wanted was her to go and leave him alone.
Why was everyone always telling him to take a nap? Niall muttered to himself. He wasn't some toddler that needed daily naps, he was a grown man and he'd make sure they knew it. He was sick of being pushed around. He stared at the ceiling angrily and his eyelids lowered. He jerked his eyes open again. He did not need to sleep! He continued to stare at the white ceiling above him hen his eyes fluttered shut, until the sound of his soft snores were the only thing to be heard. The nurse crept in and studied her sleeping patient, a gentle smile on her lips. He was a stubborn one, she thought, as she tucked a blanket more securely around his thin form. Poor lamb, she thought, as she carefully brushed his hair off his face then scanned the room to make sure everything was in order. Her eyes lit upon the crumpled sheet of paper and she picked it up and smoothed it out before placing it in Niall's bedside locker. One final glance at her patient, she left the room as quietly as she had entered.
"Here you go" the nurse said cheerfully. Once Niall had woken from the nap he swore he hadn't needed, the nurse had helped him into a wheelchair and pushed him down several corridors until they had arrived in the garden Niall had seen from his window. The Arizonian sunshine was bright and there was just enough of a gentle breeze blowing to make it pleasant. Niall turned his face up to the sun and allowed himself to relax a little. The nurse applied the brakes and then fussed about Niall, making sure the blanket wrapped around him was secure and her patient was warm enough. She then pulled over a nearby seat and sat next to Niall, pulling her knitting from a bag she's slung over the handles at the back of Niall's wheelchair. Niall started to look about him. He could see other people, walking about, some chatting. He studied the garden, observing the wall that surrounded them. In the distance he could see decorative gates, with what appeared to be security men. He sighed. Was it to keep the patients in or visitors out?
They sat in silence for some minutes before the nurse spoke. "So, tell me about Ireland" the nurse encouraged, as her knitting needles clicked. "I've never been though it's a place I'd love to visit." Reluctantly at first, Niall began to talk about his home country, especially Mullingar. The nurse seemed very interested and soon the conversation flowed more easily as Niall relaxed. The nurse smiled to herself in satisfaction as she had finally managed to get Niall to engage in conversation. The doctors would be will pleased with this small, but significant , breakthrough. Niall suddenly yawned. "Time to go in, I think...you're tired" the nurse commented as she put her knitting away then pushed Niall's chair back into the building and into his room. Once she had him settled back in bed, she hurried to to write a quick report in his notes. Yes, today had yielded good results.
The following morning found Niall sat in the chair, staring out once more at the garden below him. It was still early so the grounds were washed in pale light. Niall had passed a bad night and he was tired and dispirited...and homesick. He slumped back in the chair and fidgeted with the blanket over his legs.
"Good Morning" Niall looked up as a cheerful looking man practically bounced into the room, his energy reminding him strongly of Louis. The man extended his hand towards Niall who took it in a brief shake but didn't speak, waiting for the new arrival to say something.
"Dave...Dave Marshall" the man said by way of introduction , as he pulled a chair around to face Niall. "And you're Niall...yes?" Niall nodded, slightly bemused.
"Niall, I'm one of the Clinical Psychologists here and I thought it might be helpful if we had a chat." Dave continued. Niall frowned at him, folding his arms as he stared at the man under furrowed brows.
"I don't feel like chatting, thanks" Niall said bluntly, willing the man to leave.
"OK, I understand" the man replied, still cheerfully, making Niall's frown deepen even more. "How about I do the talking?" Niall didn't respond but Dave was seemly oblivious to Niall's bad mood. "Like I said, I'm one of the clinical psychologists here. Lots of people get the wrong idea about us. They think we're going to delve into their psyche but actually that's not our job"
"So what is your job?" Niall couldn't stop himself from asking.
"My job is to talk with you ... and listen to you if you want to talk to me.. I'll listen without judgement and maybe help you take charge of life again."
"And if I don't want you here?" Niall wanted to know.
"I'll go...but I'll keep coming back" Dave said, his cheerfulness unaffected by Niall's rejection.
"Fine" Niall sighed gustily "let's get it over and done with then."
"Have you ever been through bereavement, Niall?" Dave asked.
"Yeah, a few. " Niall looked at him, confused, wondering where this was going.
"Can you remember the emotions you felt then?' Dave probed gently.
"Different ones. Unhappiness , mainly. Though when a friend of mine died, I dunno, I felt angry with him." Niall admitted, embarrassed.
"Angry? Do you know why?" Dave's voice was soft, encouraging.
"Because he was sick and I felt he hadn't tried hard enough to get better. He just gave up and left me.....he was my best friend ...and he left me" Niall whispered. He felt ashamed at the confession. He'd been so upset, so angry, he'd hidden away from him, never spoke about it until now.
"Niall, when we face a bereavement, we go through a roller coaster ride of emotions... grief...denial..anger...bargaining..sadness. Not necessarily in any order...but we experience them all." Dave explained.
"So what has this got to do with me being here?Nothing!" Niall said now feeling angry with the man facing him.
"It has everything to do with it Niall" Dave said patiently. "You are going through another bereavement right now."
"No, No I'm not. Nobody has died. " Niall 's voice started to rise in temper.
"But yes you are, Niall. You are going through a bereavement..... for yourself. The life you thought you had..and don't have anymore..... because Lupus has robbed you of it." Niall stared at him, his face shocked.
"Niall, you refuse necessary treatment, you are in denial of your condition, you're angry, you're upset and you make bargains with your body that you can't fore fill. You push away anyone who tries to help you. You isolate yourself from those who want to support you. Just like the bereavement roller coaster.". Dave sat back and studied Niall's face as emotion after emotion flashed across his pale face.
"I don't want to deal with this right now" Niall finally spoke.
"That's fine, Niall. You're tired, as much mentally as physical, right now.I'll leave you now, give you some space. I'll come back in a few days but if you need me before hand, just let your nurse or doctor know." Dave stood up and ruffled Niall's hair in a friendly fashion before leaving the small Irishman to his thoughts.