I couldn't hide much from my team members anymore, but I managed to keep my deepest secret hidden from them. The only people who knew about my abortion were Rossi and JJ, and I didn't plan on telling anyone else.
Sometimes I start to feel nauseous when I think back to that day. I remember walking into the abortion clinic, being bombarded by the long line of protestors crowding the door.
They yelled expletives and protests at me, urging me not to continue with this. I tried to mentally tune them out, but it just grew too hard for me.
As I sat in the waiting room, I thought of everyone outside. I thought of Matthew, who brought me to get this abortion even though it was against what the church wanted.
I thought of how I was only 15 years old. How I was way too young to raise a child, how I was too young for any of this. At fifteen, I should be out and about with my friends, relaxing and having no worries at all. I shouldn't be sitting pregnant in an abortion clinic, guilty as sin.
When I finally got called in, I took a breath and I felt my religion fade away.
I can remember these details like they just happened yesterday, when in reality they happened a long time ago.
These facts are just for me to know, and I plan to keep it that way.
_____
After the case in Vegas, I took some time off. I told Hotch that I just needed a couple of weeks off to reconnect with my family. He solemnly agreed, seeing me off.
I'm sitting in my pyjamas when I hear the knock at the door. I groan. My first day off and I'm already getting distractions.
I assume it's just a salesperson coming to sell my something that I need nothing of. I decide to let them go, waiting until they give up on knocking.
The knocking doesn't stop, and it grows to annoy me immensely.
I shuffle lazily to the door, opening it slowly. "We don't want any."
I stop when I see that it's not a salesperson; it's JJ. She giggles.
"And who's we, if I may ask? You got a special someone in here that I don't know about?" She asks, looking inside my house for clues.
"Nobody except for me and Sergio," I laugh. I let her inside my home, shutting the door.
"Why'd you decide to stop by?" I ask.
"Well, since I also have the day off today, I wanted to come by and see how you were doing. And take you out for a ladies' afternoon," She answers.
"Would I need to get showered and dressed for that?"
"Yes."
"Fuck. Well, I guess I'll do it," I pry. She sighs, rolling her eyes at me.
"Alright. Be quick!" I nod, running upstairs to head into the shower.
I get showered and dressed in record time, since JJ wanted me to. I apply some makeup onto my face, attempting to look good.
For who? JJ?
I shake the thought away, grabbing my phone and heading downstairs. JJ is sitting on my couch, running her hand along Sergio's outstretched back. He made a home right on her lap.
"Ready to go?" She wonders. I nod.
"Finally. I thought I'd have to replace you with Sergio for a minute there," She kids. I snort, linking arms with her as we walk out the door.
"My car or yours?" I ask. She shrugs her shoulders in a doesn't matter kind of way.
"Why don't we just walk? It is pretty nice out today, and I can use the exercise," She suggests.
We don't talk as we walk; we stay silent. Our arms are linked tightly together as we walk.
I feel like she's holding me together, and not just because her grasp is keeping me upright. I feel like she's the only person who's putting any effort into helping me. She's the only one I can go to right now, and I'm so grateful.
"Is this place okay?" JJ asks when we arrive at a small café at the end of the street. I nod, unlinking our arms in order to open the door.
"You first," I say graciously, letting her enter before me. It's partially because I'm a nice friend, partially because anxiety holds me back.
We order our food and take it to the booth in the back of the café. JJ sits across from me, offering me a small smile. I return the favour.
"Okay, Emily. You're not reconnecting with your family, are you?" She spits those words out like she's been dying to expose me. I sigh, focusing my glance on the floor below me.
"No," I respond.
"Em, what's wrong? You already know that you can trust me with anything. I won't tell anyone; I won't judge you,"
At that moment, my heart starts pounding so hard that I can feel it trying to break free. I want to tell her what's been going on; I desperately do. But the words are caught in the back of my throat. No matter how hard I try to tell her, something is holding me back from telling the truth.
I shake my head. "I just need some time to myself," I whisper quietly.
JJ's eyes flicker for a brief moment, and I try to decode it. She knows I'm lying; she feels annoyed and upset. She wants to get to the bottom of this.
I let her try to unravel the mystery that tangles me up. I know that she won't be able to figure out what I'm feeling. Nobody could ever imagine the horrors that flood my brain.
I bite into my food, trying to avoid her solemn glare and the loose questions that hang in the air around us. But all I can taste are lies.
_____
Jennifer comes back to my house, welcoming herself like she's been here her whole life.
She motions for me to sit down beside her on my couch, and I do.
She takes my hand in hers, giving it an assertive squeeze. My hand stops trembling and my heart stops beating. Every time we encounter some sort of physical contact, I feel like the whole world stops and crashes around us.
"Emily." As soon as she speaks, I know that it's not going to be good.
"What's going on? I know you're not doing well, and I just want to talk to you about it. I want to make you feel better."
For some reason, that makes the gears in my head spin faster than usual. I slip my hand out of hers, springing to my feet.
"You can't make me feel better, JJ. In fact, no one can. You can't make me feel better when I'm drowning. You can't save me, because no one can. I'm drowning in my own mind and there's nothing anyone can do about it, okay?" I bellow those words, finally getting them off my chest.
She opens her mouth but I don't wait around to hear what she has to say. I turn on my heel, running upstairs to the only room I feel safe in.
I hear JJ calling my name, willing me to come back and challenge her. I ignore everything she says, trying not to break in front of her.
How did this happen to me? I remember when I was a carefree kid that wore a smile every day. I remember being happy and free.
I realize that I haven't felt this way since I was a kid. All chances of a happy life ended when I had that abortion. The only thing that that abortion did for me was give me uncontrollable anxiety and regret that I can't swallow back. That abortion ruined my life, and I can't take it back.
I collapse face-first on my bed, my eyes filling with tears. The only thing I can do successfully nowadays is break down and sob. I've mastered that.
Tears run down my cheeks, landing on the pillow that rests underneath my cheek. There's a deep ache in my chest that I just can't shake off, and I truly believe that it's the pain of my heart breaking.
My sobs drown out the noise of my unlocked bedroom door creaking open. JJ sits down beside me, placing her hand on my shoulder. She doesn't try to silence my cries; she supports them instead.
She slides her arm underneath me, resting it on my ribcage. She pulls me up so that I'm sitting, and she wraps her arms around my waist.
She rests her head on my shoulder and she starts to sing. I immediately recognize the song that she's singing: Blackbird by the Beatles.
Her soft voice stops the flow of my tears and shuts my brain off. I focus on the words that flow from her. Her voice is slightly shaky, and every word comes out sounding a little on edge.
She stops singing and I speak up. "Please keep singing."
So, she does. She sings the song Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol next, singing each word into my conscious.
My breathing slows down, my heart pumping with the sound of singing. I close my eyes, focusing solely on the soft words that she sings.
When the song ends, she places a small kiss on my cheek. Her lips graze my soft skin, setting it on fire.
I move my body so that I'm facing her. Our eyes are completely connected with devotion. Her smooth hand rests on my delicate cheek. I can feel desire burning me from within.
I touch my nose with hers, resting my forehead on hers. I close my eyes, knowing that this flame of desire will burn for long without end.
My eyes are closed when she innocently presses her lips to mine. I keep my eyes shut, pressing my hand on her cheek to deepen the kiss.
Her thumb grazes my cheek as we continue to kiss passionately. My hand slips down to her waist and I hold her for support.
When she pulls away from me, I feel empty; I feel unsafe. She looks at me, her hands shaky and on the edge.
She doesn't say anything, instead she leaves my room. She leaves me drowning in lust and bewilderment.
a/n: hey!!
sorry it took so long for me to update, i was busy and i didn't have time to write.
hope you enjoyed this!!