It was nearly midnight when Elric returned. I'd never seen him so stressed and confused. I kept to myself, though, trying to give him the space he needed. I knew he was between a rock and a hard place, and I did not envy the responsibilities that rested on his shoulders.
The next morning Elric rose early and headed off to the village to assess the wreckage. I offered to join him, but he quickly dismissed my proposal with a stern 'no' before walking out the door. I knew he was worried about my safety so I didn't protest.
After breakfast, I spent most of my morning in the courtyard, talking with the vendors in the marketplace. News had spread of the village massacre and tensions ran high as the fate of their lands rested on Elric's shoulders. I knew the looks that some had given me—the curiosity of whether Elric would pick me over them—and it wrecked my soul as I pondered the same question.
The marketplace was bustling, though it was quieter, more solemn that it normally was. The bread maker had several loaves of wheat and rye bread sitting out on a cooling rack. He forced a smile as I gave him two coins for a loaf he tucked in my basket. A young Wood Nymph selling her mushrooms and dandelions turned her eyes from me to her table as I approached. Without saying a word, she handed me a bundle of mushrooms and took my coin. I smiled at her, though her eyes had turned back to the table again.
I found Magda in her usual spot, and the sight of her warmed my heart. Though most of the magical beings had gone above and beyond to make me feel welcomed, I still felt like an outsider most days. And maybe I would always feel that way, but with Magda—at least with Magda, I felt a certain peace, a certain comfort that she, too, knew what it was like to not fit in.
"Good morning, my dear," she crooned, not looking up from the potion she was concocting in a large, black cauldron sitting over an open flame.
"Good morning, Magda," I replied.
"Why so glum?"
I tried to force a half-hearted smile on my face and said, "It's nothing." It wasn't a complete lie. There was nothing that could be done so therefore, it was nothing—I was human and Elric wasn't. Not much would change that. Not even one of Magda's world famous potions.
Magda just nodded. I knew the look on her face meant that she saw my betrayal, and whether it was a little white lie or not didn't matter, only that I was keeping secrets. My eyes flashed back to her brew.
"What are you making?" I inquired, hoping that my diversion wasn't completely obvious.
She gave me a wry look as though it was then stirred the pot with a large, wooden spoon, occasionally making a lazy figure eight in the liquid. "It's called Amor in Absentia—love in the absence of. It is a potion for those that have heard their mate's name spoken and cannot bear to live with the pain. It helps them forget, at least for a while."
I swallowed a hard lump in my throat at the thought. "Did—did Elric ever ask for the potion?"
Magda was the only other being who remembered the darkness before I had arrived. She knew, better than anyone, the pain Elric suffered during those years, and they shared a unique bond because of it. I'd asked her before what the devastation was like—living in constant darkness, but she'd always answer the same way saying that somethings were better left unsaid. She feared speaking of them might give them life.
"No," she replied. And a part of my heart ached for the pain he had endured. "He said that the pain was a reminder for him that you were still out there, and that no matter how much it hurt to be apart from you...he knew it would be worth it in the end." She gave me a smile that met her eyes. "We all knew you would be worth it in the end."
I smiled back at her, but we spoke no other words. None were necessary. Magda and Elric believed that I was the answer to their prayers; that all their suffering had been worth it. But I wasn't so sure. How was I to be the answer for anything? How was I to save Elric's people and my own without one of us losing everything?
I wandered back to the castle, stopping by the kitchen to grab a bite to eat from Miss Kit. She was not her chipper self today, no one was, so I didn't linger. She handed me a plate of ham and cheese and fruit and bread, and I gave her a knowing smile as I took it. The other scullery maids did not look up from their tasks as we traded pleasantries. I left them to their duties and their grief.
The day seemed to drag on forever, and several hours after high noon, Elric had still not returned. I had worn a circular path in the rug in his room, pacing back and forth between the bed and the balcony, peering over the railing every now and then when I heard the clamor of horses down below. He'd only taken Nikolai with him to the village, and although both had powers that rivaled those of the gods, I worried that Constant Thurgood's wicked cunning knew no bounds.
When I could no longer stomach seeing the same diamond patterns in the carpet and the glitter on the chiffon curtains, I headed downstairs to see if someone, anyone was around that could offer some distracting conversation.
The halls were empty and so was the great hall, but I was not deterred as I poked my head into each room, searching. There were so many rooms in this massive castle that it was easy to get lost, and although I'd been here almost a year now, I hadn't gone into every single room. Most of the rooms were bedrooms filled with large, wooden four-poster beds that looked ordinary at first, but upon closer inspection the ornate carvings showed that they were anything but. Many of the rooms were on the perimeter of the castle so each had a private balcony overlooking various parts of the courtyard. A few were on the interior, but they were no less spectacular. Mystics from all over would come and stay from time to time, but most of them left after a few short days, preferring to be nomads rather than set down roots.
The other rooms consisted of smaller sitting rooms with beautifully crafted sitting chairs and couches, a few even had grand pianos or other musical equipment that I was sure could play all by themselves just as the cello had in Elric's room. There were a few fireplaces in some of the rooms, but I had learned they were just for show. The real warmth of the castle came from magic and as the days grew shorter and colder, I was glad for that warmth. The northeastern winters were harsh and unforgiving, and though I was sure I could think up some warm, comfy clothes in the dressing chest, I preferred to not wear mittens inside.
I made my way down another long hallway on the main floor, noting the beautiful paintings and vases that adorned the walls and tables as I passed. This was my favorite hallway because of its detailed portraits that were so realistic looking that I often did a double take just to make sure I wasn't being watched. Their eyes seemed to move with me as I passed. I continued down the hall, and at last, I heard voices coming from the library. I practically skipped my way down the corridor towards the sound.
When I made it to the massive library doors that rose all the way to the ceiling, I paused. The tone of the conversation seemed harsh and threatening. I hadn't wanted to intrude, but I was curious as to what was going on. I leaned forward and listened.
"You know what we have to do," Raban said through gritted teeth.
"That's not a smart move, Raban, and you know it," Leo's words cut back. "Elric will not take kindly—"
"Elric deserves—," Raban began to interrupt Leo but the door I was leaning against squeaked as it gave way under my weight.
Leo cleared his throat, and Raban turned quickly, heading out the door on the opposite side of the room. Instinct told me that the conversation I'd walked into involved me. Raban's sudden exit told me that my instinct was right. Obviously, he hadn't abandoned the idea of attacking the humans, but thankfully, it sounded like Leo was trying to talk some sense into him.
"Milady," Leo said with a slight bow of the head. "Is there something you need?"
"Uh, no," I replied, stammering in an attempt to come up with a believable excuse as to why I was eavesdropping. "I was just waiting on Elric to return and thought I'd kill some time in the library." I smiled to sell the lie.
He smiled back, a strange smile, as he gripped his serpentine staff. "Well, the library's all yours now." He went to move, but thought better of it and said, "How is the budding romance going?" he inquired, palming the hooded snake as its emerald eyes peered out from underneath his hand. "You do seem to have a certain glow about you as of late."
I blushed. I hadn't realized that my lust—my love for Elric, if I was being honest—was so evident, so exposed on my skin for all to see. It made me feel vulnerable, and that was a new and exciting, albeit concerning feeling to have.
"It's going...well," I said, looking to the floor and smiling as the memory of our last romp in the sheets flashed through my mind.
"Do you still long for your home?" His question seemed innocent enough.
"Sometimes," I replied honestly. "But when I'm with Elric..." I looked up at Leo and smiled, "when I'm with Elric, I feel like I'm home."
"Ah, young love," Leo cooed. "Such a pity, though."
My brow furrowed at his words. "Why do you say that?"
"Well," he drawled. "It's just unfortunate that the world, ours and yours, will never accept either of you."
"What do you mean?" I asked, knowing full well what he meant, but I wanted—needed to hear the words for myself.
"Your world will never accept him. No matter how much you love him or explain to them that he is good, he will always be a monster. And his world will never truly accept you. He can parade you around here as much as he likes, but you will always feel the stares and hear the faint whispers behind your back. They will never trust you—not really. Love does not conquer all, I'm afraid. It is not stronger than hate. And it's a shame...really." Leo paused; his momentary silence seemed planned, staged for dramatic effect. "If anyone's love could have brought our two worlds together, I was sure it was yours."
v
I'd gone back to the room after my encounter with Leo. The words he had spoken were not with ill intent, at least, I hadn't felt they were. They were honest and raw, and as much as I hated to admit it, they were truthful. No matter how much I loved Elric or how much he cared for me, we would always be from two separate worlds, worlds that weren't meant to coexist with each other. Why had the creator been so cruel as to think that they could? I'd been lying to myself, convincing myself that I fit in here or that I could fit in anywhere. It had all just been some fantasy I'd created in my mind.
The sun had set by the time Elric returned, and he found me on the balcony, staring out into the night's sky. His hands were strong but gentle as he clutched my chin and caressed my face. I nuzzled my cheek in his palm and he leaned down to plant a kiss on my forehead.
"It's amazing," Elric said, stroking my hair.
"What?" I asked, breathlessly.
"How the mere sight of you can make all my sorrow disappear." He planted another kiss on my forehead then my cheek and the corner of my lips before touching his lips to mine.
I kissed him back, but my earlier thoughts still weighed heavily on my mind and the distraction was noted.
"Is everything...alright?" he queried.
"Of course," I lied.
I would not allow the revelations Leo had made tonight ruin the time I had with Elric. He scooped me up in his arms and gently, delicately placed me onto the bed. With tender fingers, he slowly removed my thin, cream-colored nightgown, lifting it over my head before unbuttoning his own pants, allowing me access to the full length of him.
I wrapped my arms and legs around him as he hovered over me, teasing and tantalizing me with each brush of his nose and kiss of his lips. As he thrust himself into me and pulled out again, my body burned with desire. My back arched and my hips lifted to meet his thrust, and he leaned over to kiss me.
He whispered onto my lips, "Abigail," and I found my release as his words shattered my soul. We were meant for each other. Our bodies had been molded out of the same clay; puzzle pieces that fit together as one. And I knew there was no other that I could ever love this way.
But as Elric sent my body and heart and soul over the edge again and again that night, I knew—deep down, I knew...that I would always be weighed and measured...and found wanting.