Chapter Eighty-Five: Post Traumatic Shock
It began with a scream.
Shrill, high-pitched, deafening... it shredded through the room and made every single person lying clustered together on the furs leap to their feet and dance away. Sinmir and Gus scrambled upright, Vrael got tangled up in his blanket, and Amelia let out a screech of her own.
Floundering around in fright, all of them jumped away from Ella, who was lying frozen with her eyes wide open and screaming at the top of her lungs. Xaphile, lying directly beside her, was the only one who didn't budge: eyes closed, he merely lay where he was on his side.
"What the blazes is wrong with her?!" Sinmir squawked, bloodshot grey eyes half open. "I've never seen her act like this before!"
"Why is she screaming?!" Vrael squawked, dancing from foot to foot with pure anxiety on his sleep-addled face; when she let out another piercing wail, he snatched his ears and pulled them down against his head. trying to block it out. "What is this?!"
"Ella!" Gus barked, tearing back over and roughly clutching her shoulders. "Calm down!"
"NO!" Ella shrieked, bolting upright and thrashing around. "No! No! No! Let me go!"
"Ella! Shhh, shh! Ella, it's okay!" Amelia whimpered, scurrying over and attempting to help Gus pin her down. "Ella, calm down! You're fine! Everything is fine!!"
"NO! NO, NO, NO! Get away from me!" Ella screeched, bursting into tears and struggling against them until her limbs bulged. "PAPA! PAPA! NOOOOO!"
Gus stiffened in shock, eyebrows rising in horror.
"Ellameira, your father isn't here anymore! Snap out of it!" he cried, struggling to keep a firm hold on her arms as she flailed around; her cries were so hysterical that they were practically unintelligible to listening ears. "ELLA! WAKE UP!"
"Octavius!" Vrael squalled. "What's wrong with her?!"
"I don't know!" Gus exclaimed, holding onto her arm with tense eyes. "She's screaming for her father! She's delirious!"
It was then that Sinmir stepped forward.
"Get outside," he growled, eyes shadowed with something unpleasant. "All of you. Now."
"Excuse me?!" Gus scoffed, turning and casting him an affronted glance. "Who do you think--?"
"DO IT!" Sinmir barked, turning a rather threatening expression on him. "NOW!"
With great hesitance, Amelia and Gus slowly let go of her and stood up. When they made their way outside, Vrael let go of his ears and hastily followed them. The moment they were out of earshot, Sinmir turned to look at Ella, who was still screaming loudly.
"I know you're conscious, Xaphile," he finally growled, "and although I don't know what happened to the two of you the previous evening... I'm fairly certain that you're the only one who can snap Ella out of whatever funk she's in. So do it."
Without another word, he turned around and walked outside, slamming the door. Xaphile's eyes slowly slid open and he stared at the Ella's bucking form.
Her face was full of delusional terror and agony.
Finally, he shifted his arms and pushed himself upright, being careful about his wings. He looked down at her with a blank expression.
"Ella," he murmured, leaning close to her face and touching her burning cheeks with both hands. "Ella... can you hear me?"
"PAPA!" Ella screeched. "PAPA!!"
He stroked her cheeks with his long claws, trying to soothe her with little avail.
"Shhh," Xaphile shushed, feeling a little sick. "Ella, you're fine... it's over."
"Papa!" she cried, rapidly hyperventilating and wearing herself out. "PAPA!"
She couldn't hear him. Nothing he said would get through to her. And he knew exactly why.
She was having an extreme panic attack.
It was likely a direct result of being forced to relive the disaster that had molded her into the girl she was.
Forehead slick with sweat and white hair sticking to her face, Ella finally stopped screaming, but that was only because her breathing had skyrocketed.
The hyperventilation had completely taken over.
Gently shifting his hand, he set his fingers against her throat to feel her pulse. Her veins throbbed against the inside of his fingers so hard and quick that it felt like they were trying to jump out of her body.
"Ella," he urged, gripping her shoulders again and leaning close to her ear. "You need to breathe. Calm down."
Struggling to do just that, but not the right way, she blindly thrashed around in his grip. Xaphile gave her a shake with the hopes that it would bring her out of the state she was in, but to no avail: unresponsive, her wild eyes sightlessly darted about.
"Ella!" Xaphile finally bellowed, shaking her yet again. "WAKE UP!"
She couldn't hear him.
He tightened his grip on her shoulders but she only flinched and shrank down like a frightened animal... then the tears started streaming down her cheeks and he jumped in shock.
Gently setting a hand on her head, he tried his hardest to soothe her by stroking her hair, shaken by the sight of her tears.
"Shhh... shh, it's okay, it's okay..." he whispered. "Calm down... you're safe... everything's okay, shhh..."
Ella's struggling lessened, but her body continued to tremble and her eyes were still sightless.
This was getting nowhere and there was really only one thing he could think of doing.
Recalling how Ella Richardson had always soothed him when he'd had his own panic attacks, Xaphile slowly slid his arms beneath Ella Rochard's body and lifted her into a sitting position.
With the gentlest of movements, he pulled her onto his lap and wrapped her up in a tight hug.
She attempted to flail around and let out a small scream, but he locked his arms and held her cheek against the warmth of his chest, rocking her back and forth. They stayed like that for a long time, and slowly but surely, his attempt to calm her down worked.
After a few minutes of rocking and soft murmuring, she blinked herself back to proper consciousness, breathing a bit more naturally as she finally started to see her surroundings.
"W-w-w-what happened?" she croaked, eyes utterly devoid of emotion. "Why... I can't... I..."
Shakily lifting her hand, she touched Xaphile's claws, which were threading through her hair.
"Shh..." he soothed. "You're safe."
He waited until her breathing had somewhat returned to normal to loosen his grip on her, but when she was merely staring off into space, he gently gripped her chin and tilted her head back to make her look at him.
She stared at his eyes for a long moment, face completely blank until a flash of recognition sparked across her features.
"I... I am fine," Ella replied with deadened eyes; lowering her head, she gently pushed him away. "Don't worry about me. I've dealt with worse."
He would have believed her if not for the expression in her eyes.
"Talk to me," Xaphile carefully ordered. "Get it out of your system."
"I refuse," she retorted, avoiding his scrutinizing gaze. "It's not your problem."
"Ella... please."
"It was nothing. Don't worry."
Irritated with her response, Xaphile made a daringly bold move and tightened his hold on her chin.
When she fought to pull away, he forcibly turned her head to face him and she looked at him with mild irritation as he held her in place.
"I already know," he muttered, speaking in a no-nonsense tone, "I saw everything. He forced me to watch."
Ella immediately glanced away, avoiding his gaze by looking off to the side.
"It was just a dream," she replied with one of her most sour tones; however, her limp body and lifeless expression betrayed her.
As convincing as she sounded, Xaphile wasn't buying her words.
The weight hovering over her heart had intensified so much that it was visibly crushing her.
He sighed and let her go.
"I'm sorry," Ella whispered quietly, staring out at nothing.
"What for?"
"I'm always disappointing everyone," she replied, resting her head against his chest. "I'm sorry."
Without a word, Xaphile leaned down and pressed his lips against her hair. Ella's eyes snapped open wide... but the stunned gleam shifted and somehow became emotionally weak. They filled with tears that streamed down across her nose.
Turning her head, she buried her face in the fur on his chest as he rocked her back and forth, flicking his tail forward and curling it around her legs as an afterthought.
"Don't force us to stay," Ella whispered, finally breaking down. "After this, I don't want to stay here. Please... I just want to leave... I want all of us to leave."
"You have my word that I won't let anything bad happen, to you or anyone else," he murmured, rocking her back and forth. "Stop crying. It's not like you."
"Easier said than done."
"Yeah, perhaps. I guess after reliving a personal trauma like that, anyone would be a wreck."
"What exactly did you see?"
"Everything," he reluctantly admitted, twining her silken hair through his long claws. "I saw it all in the same way that you saw the strange vision of meeting my little brother. And don't deny that you did, either... I felt your presence in my mind and I knew you were watching when that annoying purple itch came back for a little while."
She nodded, then seemed to notice where she was.
"You're holding me fairly close right now," she droned. "Why?"
"Because you need it," he said, meeting her gaze with a stoic glance of his own, "and also because I feel like I understand you a bit better as a result of what I saw. Those memories of yours were pretty awful."
"Gee, thanks."
"I'm just telling the truth."
"Sometimes it's better to withhold certain things."
"So, I'm just stupid, then."
"Either that or unnaturally brave."
"Some say stupidity and bravery are the same thing."
"I'm not one of them," Ella said, giving him a softer look. "You're brave."
Her eyes glimmered as she looked up at him, but when she swallowed, fighting back another light wash of tears that brimmed her snowy lashes, he shifted his hand and brushed them away with a thumb.
"I'm not brave," Xaphile said softly.
"True bravery is synonymous with everything good, like honesty and virtue," Ella countered, lifting a hand and wiping her eyes. "You're man enough to admit it when you're afraid of something. You aren't afraid to express how you feel. And that takes true courage."
"Just because I'm not a coward doesn't mean I'm brave."
Ella glared at him.
She leveled her index finger at his face and shook it, twice.
"I'm on to you," she said. "You're trying to downplay what kind of person you are. You're a humble man, which I admire... but I know you're more courageous a hero than you let on."
"Hardly."
She shook her finger again.
"No, you are. There are so many instances where you've needlessly thrust yourself in harm's way for the sake of another."
"That didn't have to do with bravery, Ella."
She scowled, then pushed away from his chest until he let go so she could look him in the eyes.
"When we were attacked by slavers," she growled, regaining her normal demeanor in a flash, "you shielded me with your own body at the cost of taking an arrow in the back. When we were attacked on the road to Ordin, you stepped in and disarmed the men who attacked us, even though the odds were against you."
"So?" he demanded, blinking, "I don't see how that--"
"And when we came to get you in the Syl Mountains," Ella interrupted, shooting him a glare, "Vrael's father told us that you saved him from an accident with a misfired arrow at the cost of your own injury."
"But that was--"
"Amelia fell off a cliff on the way here," she loudly snapped, cutting him off a third time, "but you single-handedly climbed down the face of it using nothing but a pair of old daggers. And with nothing but the strength of your own arms and legs, you carried her to safety."
Xaphile stared at her.
"Are you finished?"
"No," she muttered, eyes softening for a second; slowly leaning back against him, she let her head thump against his chest and sighed. "You saved Gus's life and fought against multiple venomous demons all by yourself just to protect him. When I attacked you under your uncle's control, you didn't put a scratch on me. And today, you could have just left me alone to gather my wits by myself, but instead you stayed and took the time to comfort me."
Xaphile didn't say anything since a lump had formed in his throat.
"You've even been teaching me how to defend myself without a weapon," she went on. "I've only ever hurt you, and I've given you no reason to do any of that. You've saved the lives of the people around you countless times, Xaphile... even my own. And for that, I thank you."
"You don't understand."
"Oh, but I do. You're a good person underneath all the bluster. You're just reluctant to show it."
Xaphile went quiet again.
"You really don't understand," he eventually murmured. "If people can't save or redeem each other, Ella, then what's the point?"
"The point of what?"
"Of..." the question caught him off guard. "Of... well, living."
"I don't understand."
He calculated his answer before speaking.
"People protect people who are in danger. It's natural," he muttered. "People also need people. I mean, haven't you ever met someone who made you see the world in a different way? Who gave you enough courage to do the things you do?"
She said nothing, but her whole body did stiffen a bit against his.
"For instance," he said, letting out a sigh, "Ella Richardson gave me the strength I needed to keep going. I probably wouldn't even be who I am today if not for her."
"That's not redemption."
"Maybe not the conventional kind, but she certainly redeemed me from being constantly insecure and angry at myself for being born."
"For being born?"
He stared at the ground.
"Don't question what you already know. You saw it all in my memories," he rasped. "I hated myself, blamed myself, thought I was the worst kind of person. Then Ella came along. Her optimism changed me. To her, I mattered... I was a person to her. She was the first to see me as something more than a mistake."
He refused to look at her after he finished speaking, but Ella shifted her position slightly and two soft arms wrapped around his neck. His heart jumped when she embraced him, face buried in his shoulder, but he remained perfectly still when she heaved out a great sigh.
"I don't know how many times I'll have to say this for you to believe it," Ella muttered, turning her head and leaning close to his ear, "but you were not a mistake. I truly believe that you are here, now, in this moment because we needed you. Not just me, but everyone else, too."
For the longest time... all he could do was sit there.
Frozen.
But then, his feelings came rushing up, and as they did, he involuntarily asked the one question he needed to know.
"Ella," he murmured, staring off into space. "Do you really love me?"
Her whole body jerked and her arms tightened around him.
There was dead silence for nearly two minutes where all he could hear was his own aching heartbeat.
But then...
"Yes," she whispered. "I do."
It was like the dam holding his emotions back cracked right down the middle. He swallowed heavily and blinked rapidly, trying to fight back tears, to remain composed.
The signs had been unmistakable.
He had noticed the changes here and there, and he had even been told by Amelia and Sinmir that her feelings had changed... but until that moment, he hadn't had a clear answer, and now that he did, he needed to think.
He didn't know how to feel about Ella Rochard, or even what to make of her, but he did know one thing.
He didn't want to hurt her.
"Why?" he questioned, closing his eyes in the hopes that he wouldn't start crying. "I want you to tell me why your feelings changed. I have a general idea of when you started acting different, and I have some suspicions about why you did, but I want to hear your reasons."
He heard Ella swallow.
"Back in the Nimikan forests," she hesitantly told him, "after the event with the slavers... I asked Amelia to cast a spell on me. I pressured her into sending me into your mind with the help of something called Astral magic."
His stomach clenched.
"You told Vrael that you've seen my memories," he muttered. "Is that what you meant? I assumed it was a result of the marks and all that..."
"Yes, that's how it happened, but what I wasn't expecting was for my heart to change."
"When did it?"
"That night in the woods, when I gave you my first kiss," Ella whispered, clinging to him so tight that it almost constricted his breathing, "that was when I truly fell for you."
"Why?"
"Well," she mumbled, "after seeing your memories... after witnessing what kind of life you'd lived, and then seeing myself through your eyes... I felt like a monster, and I truly hated myself. But then, when you opened up to me..."
She trailed off, then reluctantly pulled back and sat down on the furs. His tail uncurled from around her legs and wrapped around his own.
"Go on..."
"When you opened up to me for the first time, and I saw that look of agony on your face," Ella chuckled, rubbing her eyes and blinking up at the ceiling, "I felt a shock that ran all the way down to the core of my heart. In my whole life, I've never wished that I could turn back time and fix a mistake I'd made more than I did in that moment."
"Why?"
"Because it was then and there that I fell for you," she chided, letting out a sigh, "and I knew that you would never have me. I know even now that telling you this is likely a mistake, because all it'll do is hurt you more, and more, and more... and I never wanted to hurt you again."
Okay.
He couldn't deny that he felt twangs of guilt coursing through him when she rubbed her eyes, trying to pretend she was only tired instead of fighting back tears.
Letting out an exasperated sigh, he rubbed his own eyes and gently embraced her.
"Thank you for being honest," he told her, then swallowed and added, "but as of right now, I can't accept your feelings. I'm... not looking for love. Hell, I may never look for love after what happened. I gave my all to someone, and she broke a part of me that I don't think will ever heal."
Ella nodded, then sniffed and looked him dead in the eyes.
"I know that," she said simply. "I knew long before I confessed that you would refuse. But, I will wait... and if this has destroyed everything between us, I will throw my all into building our friendship anew so it is stronger and happier the next time I give you my heart."
It took everything in his power not to wince at the starkness and blatant honesty of her words, but still, in the end, he said the only thing that seemed appropriate.
"I'm still grieving her death," he murmured, "but don't worry too much about things being erased between us. Trust me, you've done plenty of worse things to me than confessing your love."
Ella's face twitched for a moment, but she straightened her expression out and nodded.
"Thank you for bringing me out of my state of panic," she murmured, lowering her eyes to the floor. "I appreciate it."
"No problem. That's what friends do."
Her head snapped up and she stared at him in surprise, but he was already rising to his feet. He cracked his back with a yawn and stretched his arms, then looked down at her for a moment.
Instead of feeling the usual hollowness, there was a mellow warmth inside him.
He could feel every crest and ebb of her emotions when he walked past her.
But to her surprise, as he did, his tail curled around her throat and gently slid across it, sleek as silk. She shivered violently when the furry thing finally slipped off of her, then lowered her eyes and hugged herself, not wanting to watch him walk outside.
He knew that he'd hurt her, and there was a part of him that regretted it, even though he didn't know why.