I hated myself.
I think I still hate myself.
I don’t really know you know? One time I feel so damn good about myself; that I was the Captain of the softball team, that I had friends who loved me, that I had two bestfriends who cared so much about me. Next thing I know, I feel like I don’t deserve anyone. I feel like I am better off alone by myself.
I hated feeling like this. One time, I had so much fun with my friends. I was laughing more and smiling more, finally becoming a happier person but when I am alone by myself, I tend to brood. I tend to be moody. I felt empty. I felt devoid of any such emotions. It’s like whenever I was alone; I never knew what happiness is.
It’s because I had shoved all of my emotions deep inside my mind that nothing can bring them out. When I am with the others, all of my walls are up. My emotions are kept aside and only sarcasm or happiness was allowed. But when I am alone, all of my walls are down. My defences are down and I let my sadness overwhelm me.
There are two sides of me no one knows about.
The one that I hated.
I stared at myself in the bathroom. I was wearing a pair of sweatpants and a tank top. Underneath that black tank top, there are many hideous scars that I let no one see even Mum. Every scar, every wound that Dad had inflicted on me was there. It’s like mocking me that I was different.
I hated those scars.
I can never be perfect. My skin can never be flawless; I can never wear a two piece bikini, I can never show off more than was needed. I don’t think I can bear it when people see them. I feel hideous. I feel like I was a monster. I don’t know what people will think when they see my skin so scarred.
I think they would run away.
Now, I wonder why Blake didn’t. He saw my scars; he saw all of my hideous marks marring my skin. He saw me being helpless, he saw me at my weakest, he saw me crying, and he saw the side of me that I will never show to anyone else. I frowned at that. Why did I let him in so damn easily?
Is it because I knew he loved me and that I wanted him to know the real girl that he had fallen for? Is it because I wanted to see if he’d run away, screaming off after he sees my insecurities, after he sees my scars? Is it because I wanted to know how much he can take? Is it because I wanted to see if his love was pure?
Is that it Allison?
What are you doing really?
Are you trying to lead him on?
I sighed as I ran both hands through my hair. What am I supposed to do with you Blake? You declared your love for me as easy as a kid scoring for his spelling test. Why was it so easy for you? You knew our two teams were practically enemies and there he goes, announcing to everyone in the canteen that he loves me.
I mean seriously.
How can he love someone so emotionally scarred as me? How can he fall in love with a broken me? What made him fall in love with me? I wasn’t perfect, I wasn’t even normal at all. If you find in the dictionary, under the word broken, I think there’s a picture of me there somewhere.
How can he love me when I don’t even love myself?
I am so damn messed up.
I can still remember the day. Even though it happened a year ago, it was clear in my mind like it had happened yesterday. It was a Wednesday. I was making my way towards the cafeteria alone since I had a different class from my other team mates. I wasn’t feeling too good on that day.
Dad had beaten me again for protecting Mum and had punched me hard on the ribs before shoving me towards the table. He was clever. He knew not to touch my face nor my arms or legs. He knew not to hit on the areas that were obvious to see. Despite being so angry, he still had that rational thinking in his head. How ironic.
I was in a foul mood.
My ribs were throbbing as well as my back. That wasn’t the cause of my foul mood. I was feeling angry because during Literature, the teacher started discussing about child abuse. That one topic that was taboo for me. The other classmates seemed interested and started listening to what she has to say.
‘What do you think are the causes of child abuse class?’ she started asking during class as we were discussing about some other unrelated things. I felt my heart sinking inside my chest and fear clawed in my heart. This was not what I want to hear. At all. I felt myself stiffening and it was hard to look normal.
‘Maybe one of the parents is an alcoholic,’ one piped up.
‘Or he came from a line of abusers,’ another murmured.
‘Maybe they have low self-esteem.’
‘Mental health problems?’
A list of answers was offered throughout the whole classroom. I stayed quiet as the rest of the class gave their answers. I knew I was going to be questioned since we had a rule here, everyone of us needs to have an answer. No matter it be wrong or right. She just wants to know what you’re thinking.
To me, it was all bull.
‘So Ally, why do you think some parents resort to child abuse?’ the teacher asked me-Mrs Melanie, her attention changing towards me. ‘What makes them resort to neglect, physically abusing them or emotionally abusing them?’
I felt my heart wrench painfully.
‘Because they think it’s the child’s fault for failing them,’ I had whispered as an answer. That had made the whole class very quiet. ‘I had a friend who’s…father likes to hit her.’ The rest of the class seemed to deflate in tension as they heard my other lie. I kept my face passive throughout the whole lesson, my hands curling into fists at their ignorance.
How dare they make assumptions?
‘So if we had a friend who is physically abused what would you do to help them?’ Mrs Melanie asked. I almost scoff aloud at her stupid question. For once in my life, I had never felt so much anger brewing inside me.
‘Maybe ask them to trust us first?’ some prissy girl answered. I rolled my eyes at her. Like hell she would do that. She glared at me one fine day for not doing anything. ‘Or just tell him or her that we’re there to listen?’ Pfft, yeah sure whatever. Like I would believe you.
‘You need to look out for the signs first,’ I muttered under my breath as Mrs Melanie continued with her stupid lecture. It’s like a sign saying that she might know someone in this school is abused by the parents. I paled instantly at the thought. What if she knew? Can’t be, if she did, how did she know anyway?
I shook my head to dispel the moody thoughts. That was the worst lecture I had ever attended. With a heavy heart, I entered the cafeteria with the rest of the school. I bought food with Liam, he was making jokes about some things after he had seen me brooding over nothing.
Being the bestfriend, he knew what had happened and readily made me smile. With Mitch on my other side, I was already laughing by the time we made our way towards our bench where the rest of the team was. Mitch was starting to tell us about his recent score and letting us groan over his latest escapade when suddenly, the whole cafeteria grew silent.
I frowned and craned my neck to see what had happened.
Curiosity brimming inside my chest as I tried to see what was going on. That was literally the first time I had heard the cafeteria grow silent. I mean it is a tough feat to make the whole student body stop talking at once. The person with that power would be the Principal and the Discipline Master. It was curious.
I saw that sexy rugby boy I had seen by the rink two months ago.
He was standing on the table of the rugby boys. He was tall and muscular, I was staring at him and checking his body out. I could see his six-pack underneath that white shirt and I assure you, his body was drool-worthy. If your eyes travel upwards, the face that adorn the body was similar to a Greek God.
He was sexy and handsome at the same time.
‘Hey guys, I’m Blake Gordon. I have something to announce,’ he spoke, his sexy voice echoing throughout the silent cafeteria. I almost swoon at his deep voice and I was sure I wasn’t the only girl experiencing the same thing. Oh my god, please talk forever.
He smiled that genuine smile of his, where a dimple appeared on his left cheek. That made me gasps as well as the rest of the female student body. Some were even fanning themselves at the hotness that was rolling off Blake like waves. His clear blue eyes were moving around, like as if seeking someone out.
Then, I saw his eyes latch on me.
I must have looked shocked because he chuckled lightly. His stance was calm, like as if standing on the bench in the middle of the cafeteria was nothing to him. Oh my god, what is he doing? My heart was beating way too fast and I felt my palms turning sweaty just due to his sexy, smouldering gaze. His stare was making me self-conscious.
‘There have been rumours about the girl that I liked,’ he started speaking, his sexy deep voice making me latch onto him like how everyone needed oxygen on the moon. It seemed that he had everyone’s attention just by saying that. True, there has been rumours going on about that girl. ‘And I’m going to tell you who it is.’
Excited whispers and gasps came from around the cafeteria, the loudest whispers coming from the girls. I could feel the excitement around the cafeteria and I rolled my eyes at them. I tore my gaze from Blake and continued eating my food, seeming unperturbed at the mysterious girl that he liked.
Sure he was hot, sexy and handsome rolled into one.
I wasn’t that nosy to know who the girl is.
I’ll know about it soon enough since he’s going to announce it. Duh.
‘Allison Griffiths,’ he announced my name. I choked on my food and looked up at him bewildered that he knew my name. He was looking at me, his gaze had softened and his lips were turned up at the corners. I knew that look. Gasps erupted from around the area. I can hear girls crying hysterically.
Oh shit.
‘Allison?’ he called me from his perch on the table, his hand was out as if asking me to take it. My eyes grew round at the way he called me. My heart spluttered crazily and I kind of like it. I liked the way he called me. It was so heady. I was about to stand up and go over to him when reality crashed between the two of us.
To me reality meant that my softball team started a riot.
To him, reality was the girls and his rugby team causing a riot.
Let me tell you this. It didn’t end well for the both of us. I was whisked into the protective arms of both Liam and Mitchell at the second my softball team started to advance towards the rugby team. Both ends were furious. Both ends didn’t want this to happen. I looked over at the chaos that was enfolding in front of me.
I saw him standing between his team. I could see two boys shouting at him, trying to get him to pay attention to him. But all he did was look at me. His gaze had soften and his lips were curled into a small smile. Sunlight was shining into the cafeteria at the moment and it landed on him, highlighting his soft blonde hair, making him glow.
That made me catches my breath.
He looked so ethereal.
So sexy. So yummy.
It was unbelievable too.
I saw him mouth those three words, making me widen my eyes before I was surrounded by my furious softball members. I was jostled around the cafeteria, unsure what was happening but I was safe within the arms of Mitchell who seemed to take it to his head that he needed to get me out of there in one piece.
I got out of the cafeteria in one piece. But I couldn’t think properly, I couldn’t breathe properly. I sank down at the nearest wall once Mitch lets go of me after he had hauled me out of the cafeteria bodily. I frowned as my thoughts crashed back towards me, that same scene repeating, repeating and repeating.
I let out a frustrated groan and ran both hands through my hair.
What is he thinking?!
From that day on, after much egging by my softball members, plenty of warnings (from both sides of the softball and rugby team), a lot of setbacks by the furious rugby boys, plenty of paybacks by the jealous cheerleaders and ridiculous name-calling from every girl that saw me, I stayed away from Blake.
I wasn’t strong enough.
I was weak.
Even if I did stay away from Blake, I shot down every rude comments or insults that the girls had thought of whenever I walked pass them. Some hailed me for being brave while others just scoff at my false bravado. But I was glad that some stayed away and knew not to provoke me whenever I was with Mitch.
I was grateful that Mitch stayed by my side. Sure he was the bad boy of the school with his snarky attitude and stubborn personality; he gets into loads of trouble because of me thanks to the boys who jeered at me. Mitchell looked the part and also acted the part out perfectly but underneath all those masculine fierceness, he’s just a cuddly bear underneath.
Don’t tell him I said that.
I broke into a crooked grin as I thought about that. Shaking my head, I walked out of the bathroom and along the hallways. A year had passed since that incident. Even though I had rose to the rank of Captain, there were still those cheerleaders who were persistent in the name calling.
I usually ignored them whenever they tried to insult me but today was not one of those days. I was in a foul mood. True, I am beginning to find myself in those bad moods but I can’t help it. Tomorrow would be my fortnightly sessions with the psychiatrist. And to add it all up, I haven’t had my daily caffeine dose.
School was over but I was still here to train Marcus. I needed to get him on par with the rest of the team. We only had less than a few weeks for the next match and the rest are giddy with excitement. We are all out by the field, getting our stamina up and getting our reflexes faster.
I had everyone doing sprints before I left for the bathroom and I knew they’d be resting by now, stretching their muscles while they wait for me to get back. I had forced Mitch to come for practice despite him being suspended. I needed him to train Marcus too. I jogged towards the pitch once I crossed the gate.
I saw my team practicing throwing fast balls to each other, going further and further apart as they went along. I saw Abby training with the other batters, getting them to work out their arm muscles and to get their reflexes up a notch. I felt a smile crossing my face as I watched them for a moment. They really work as a team, moving and thinking as one.
I was proud of them.
‘Alright guys! Take a ten minutes break before we continue!’ I called at them once I got within earshot. They grinned at me and stopped whatever they’re doing before leaving the pitch towards their water bottles. I watched them leave and nodded when Mitch walked towards me.
‘Marcus has a pretty good sense of what to do,’ he told me, his deep voice was very calm and sounded very thoughtful. That didn’t sound like Mitchie at all so I raised an eyebrow at him. He chuckled. ‘Alright, let’s just say when we leave this school, Marcus would be my successor.’
I held a smug grin as he said it. ‘That took guts to confess,’ I told him with a raised eyebrow and the most sarcastic tone that I can muster. ‘The bad boy finally breaking from his I-don’t-give-a-fuck attitude? What happened to you man? Getting mellow?’
He grew red at my words. That made me laughs out loud, doubling over. ‘Shut up Ally!’ he growled at me and narrowed his eyes as he watched me laugh my ass off, my hands propping on my knees. ‘Seriously that isn’t funny!’
His expression that he was giving me was making everything else funnier so I started laughing again; now bending over as I tried to regain my breath. The next moment, I felt myself soaring into the sky as he threw me over his shoulder. I let out a girly scream and started hitting him hard on his back.
He laughed. ‘Now what do you say?’
‘Fuck you put me down asshole!’
He jostled me, making me groan as I landed on his shoulder. He laughed again and started moving around, a strong arm supporting my legs as I tried not to hurl. ‘Persistent are we? I know you’re going to hurl soon so it’s better if you just say it. I know you know what I want to hear,’ he told me. I could imagine him smirking.
I let out a frustrated groan. This is embarrassing! ‘No I am not saying it!’
‘Suit yourself. You’re going to be up there for a long time,’ he told me and snickered evilly before patting my ass. ‘Unless you know, you say that sentence which I really like.’ He jostled me again, making my stomach squirm painfully. Oh my god I am so going to hurl soon.
‘No way man! Fuck you Mitchie!’ I exclaimed at him before letting out a frustrated scream and started slamming my fists hard onto his back. ‘Put me down this instant! I am so going to kick your ass when this is over!’
‘Make me,’ he teased me.
‘Are you really going to carry the captain around like that Mitch?’ I hear Case asking. I felt my face flushing as I hear the rest of my team coming back from their ten minute break. I let out a frustrated sigh and rested my elbow on his back to support my face. This is going to take a while.
‘You do know that you’re the only person that ever done that to the Captain?’ Kenneth asked after that. I could imagine him raising an eyebrow at Mitch. I could hear the rest of the team chuckling at his words and I could totally imagine Abby and the girls giggling at me. They all had an on-going crush with Mitchie. I mean who doesn’t? Most probably me.
I heard Mitch growl under his breath. ‘Get your asses back to training! Your captain and I have stuff to do!’ he threatened the rest. I rolled my eyes at him. Hearing grumbles and groans from the team, they continued from where they left off. Mitch was scarier than me even though he was the second-in-command, they had his respect too. Despite him being the bad boy.
I sighed heavily and started admiring the view at this height. I felt Mitch move his arms and then I was brought down slowly. He glared at me once but then jerked his head towards Marcus who was still standing looking at us with a bored expression. ‘Let’s get the show on the damn road.’ I rolled my eyes at him.
…