Chapter No.20: Looking through the past
Things around me started to feel normal and I was finally adapting to the many changes. In one and half months, I learned various things. I learned how to eat and clean, and still got amazing food. I learned how to do different types of workouts, and I was starting to understand my body more and more.
From Monday to Saturday, I worked out with John after breakfast, and on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, I learned kickboxing from Jennifer. I thought that John was a hard person to work with, but as always I was wrong. Jennifer knew how to make a hell on earth.
''Anna, Jennifer is calling you to the gym,'' a girl named Jenna said as she walked by me.
''Oh crap! I'm late''' I whispered to myself as I glimpsed at the clock hanging from the hall's wall.
I rushed to the other building and headed towards one of the three gyms. I put my clammy hands on the door knob as it rotated and I stepped inside an empty room where only two punching bags and some treadmills were arranged there in order. As I scurried a little, I heard someone punching the bag more roughly. The person's back, who was putting their anger into the bag, was facing me. I was quite sure that the person who was punching the bag was a guy.
I was taking small steps to saw the face of the person without disturbing him. But my fate was not playing along with me. My feet hit some dumbbell, making me tripped on my heels.The water bottle slipped out of my hands, making the mad boxer stop punching. Kicking the dumbbell away from my way, I immediately bend down with hurting back and grabbed my water bottle.
Damn! Why I am so clumsy?
''Cameron?'' I frowned at him.
He turned around keeping his head and eyes down, but I was still able to descry his scowling expression on his sweaty yet beautifully boyish face. His hair was quite messy as sweat lines were traveling down his face and disappeared into his neck. Without saying anything, he quickened towards the door with in a second, and between his way towards the door, he unclasped his right boxing glove. He shut the door softly and I didn't bother to stop him.
''What was that?'' Shrugging my shoulders I whispered into the empty room, but still, my voice echoed.
Within a second, Jennifer opened the door with a bang making me jump a little. She paced toward me, wearing her same signature pony tail, which complemented her galaxy yoga pants and shirt that read as 'Be strong or Die.'
Yep, pretty much her, I thought as I read it.
''So, Miss Anna, today I want you to show me what you have learned in the past two weeks.'' Without any greeting, she asked me about what I learnt when she torchered me.
''What do you mean?''
She threw boxing gloves towards me without telling me, but I caught it successfully. She set the other punching bags out the way, so now the room was emptier than before. I put the red gloves on my hands and clasped the strap.
''Now, listen up,'' she answered me, but it sounded more like an order. ''Think of me as the person who has hurt you the most.''
Who hurt me? She should say, 'think about the person who didn't hurt you'. As long as I remember, there was gonna be a long list of people who have hurt me.
I was drowning in my thoughts, but still, I nodded in response.
''Anna?'' Her voice shook me out of my jumbled thoughts. I looked at her with a sense of confusion on my face.
''So let's start,'' she said.
Tapping on the floor with her feet, she started to move forward and backward as she raised her gloves in front of her face. I followed what she was doing and also raised my gloves.
''Anna, what have I told you about the basic stuff? What should you do when someone attacks you?''
At that time, I thought about the stuff she told me, The Push, The Kick, The Punch, and attacking on the body parts.
''You told me to walk confidently and avoid them first if it is not so serious,'' I replied.
''Okay, good. Now, what if I hit you like this-'' She hit my arm mildly, yet she caught me off guard. ''What you gonna do, then?''
''I... Umm... You told me to push them out of the way,'' I brushed my arm with the gloves.
''What if I hit you again?'' She hit me again, but this time it was more on painful side. ''And didn't get out of your way?''
''Then I have to hit real hard to stop you from hurting me,'' I stepped backward.
''Then hit me.'' She stood straight. ''Tell me how much capable you are,''
''What?''
''I said hit me,'' she yelled at me. ''I told you to consider me as the worst person you have ever met.''
''No, I can't... hit you,'' I stuttered
''Why can't you understand? If a person is hitting you, you have to stop them. You have to hit them. Defend yourself.Make them go away from you. You don't have to bear it.''
In the middle her sentences, she hit me on various parts of my body; on my arms, on my legs, and on my stomach. I was trying not to fall. My body ached from her mild punches.
''See, this is the reason you are weak,'' she shouted again. ''You can't even defend yourself. After all this, you can't even hit a single time? This is the reason why people take control of your own life. You don't stop them and let them do whatever the hell they want to do. Anna, c'mon, don't waste my time. Don't tell me you are weak!'' In intervals she hit me again, but when she punched me on my boobs, it hurt,and it really made me feel like I had no strength over my own body.
''I'm not weak.'' I pushed her with all of my strength and she fell onto the ground. I didn't know where all this came from. This was my first ever hit. But as she fell onto the ground, I felt bad for hitting her.
''Are you okay?'' I immediately rushed to help her.
''Bravo,'' she sat up from the ground. ''This is what I wanted. Amazing! The hit was perfect.''
I was stunned by her action. She sat up from ground like nothing happened. I pushed her quite aggressively and that was my instincts reacting. Me Anna, never hit a person in my whole miserable life. So, I felt really bad at this.
''I'm really sorry for this,'' I said, ''I didn't mean to hurt you.''
''Don't worry about it. I'm perfectly fine. I just wanted to see how strong are you and what you have learnt from me,'' she stated. ''Remember, don't let anyone come in your way. And don't get me wrong, I was just trying to make you angry, it wasn't real, okay?''
God, this woman is crazy.
''Don't worry about it,'' I said as I looked at her. ''But I'm just worried about you, like I hit you bad.''
''Yeah, you hit me bad, but I didn't feel anything.'' She laughed.
I smiled awkwardly, ''Oh, thank God!''
''You can go now and come back on next Monday.'' I nodded with a smile and she headed towards the door.
I loosen the strap of the gloves and threw it onto the ground, and then put it back on the table, placed right in the corner. I grabbed my water bottle and drank it sip by sip. I left through the door and threw the water bottle in the nearby dumpster.
I was feeling so contained and serene. It was like I had let out my fears by learning from Jennifer. No doubt she was testing my limits by all of her training. My self-esteem was finally rising up and my fears of failure were disappearing like my deep dark thoughts.
I walked through the empty building, and without thinking about anything else, I hummed Closer by the Chainsmokers.
Closing my eyes, I sung a little out loud, as I realized that no one was around me.
''So baby pull me closer in the backseat of your Rover That I know you can't aff-''
''Anna?''
''Oh My God!" I jumped a little at the voice.
My alone singing time was over when Cameron appeared in my way out of nowhere. I was about to put my foot on the soft green grass of the garden.
''Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you,'' he said
''Oh its okay. I was just- '' I said. ''So, what are you doing here?''
Been in my sweaty workout with red sunburn face, he might be the last person I wanted to say.
I ignored what he did when I went to the gym. I thought that he might not be in the mood to talk at that time. Everyone needed their personal space.
''I am bored, so I decided to talk to you,'' he said, smiling. ''Let's sit there.'' He pointed toward a wooden bench under the shadow of the tree.
We walked toward the wooden bench and sat on it, trying to keep my distance due to awful sweat. Everything was pretty calm and airy. Many questions were wobbling inside my little head.
Why did you make Lauren cry? Are Kylie, Lauren, and you friends? What's your deal with Jennifer?
But still I decided to zip my mouth as I pushed my clouds of thoughts away from my head.
''So, how's your training going? I heard about it from my dad.'' He broke the awkward silence.
''It's pretty good. Jennifer is really tough in training. I can pretty much say that your family is gonna break every last bone in my body.'' I laughed at my own silliness, expecting that he might at least smile, but there was nothing. His face was plain without any hint of expression and his eyes were distant.
''Cameron, are you okay?''
''What?'' he asked. ''Sorry, I was just zoned out. What were you saying?''
''Nothing important,'' I replied. ''I think so I should go now.''
''Please stay, I'm just bored. I promise I won't do it again.''
I nodded and smiled.
''So, you are friends with Kylie and Lauren?'' he asked as he rubbed the nape of his neck.
''Yes, kind of,'' I questioned loudly.
''How is she?" he paused, "I mean, how are they?''
Maybe he wants to talk to his friends but can't meet them because of Jennifer?
''Emm... they are fine. Do you need me to call them?''
''No, no. '' His voice was low and grunting. ''But, I need your help with something else''
''If I can, I will help you.'' I smiled.
He slid his hand in the inner side of his jacket and pulled out a piece of paper. He handed me the paper, which folded into more than two folds.
Why is he giving me this?
''What is this?" I stared at that paper in my hands.
''Please give this to her,'' he sighed, ''I mean, to Lauren.''
'''But-'' Before I could say anything, he walked away, leaving me confused.
I held the paper in my left hand and went back to my room. Kylie and Lauren were not there, because it was lunch time and everyone was in the dining room. Not sure what to do with the letter yet, I placed it in the drawer in my cupboard.
I immediately slipped out of my stinky workout clothes and took a hot shower for ten minutes to relax my muscle cramps from today's workout. Wearing my red and white Mickey Mouse sweat shirt and black leggings, I rushed downstairs. I was happy to wear the clothes mom had sent me;it was exactly what I wanted.
I joined the table of chitter-chatting girls . The dining table was already decorated with different colorful yet healthy plates of food. I grabbed one of the plates and tried to figure out what I was going to eat.
''It's a grilled chicken bowl with basil lemon vinaigrette,'' said Lauren who was sitting on my right side.
''Oh,'' I replied awkwardly. ''It's just so colorful.''
She didn't say anything, making me feel more embarrassed.
Note to yourself: 'Don't talk too much!'
I ate my delicious lunch in silence, unlike others who were talking with each others, not realizing how this affected others. Since my childhood, I was the quiet one in whole class. People bullied me, I stayed quiet. My only best fried hurt me, I stayed quiet in whole crowd, consuming my misery of life. Life only taught me to stay quiet and drink your own tears.
Jennifer came in the dining room and announced, ''Girls, today is your Wednesday Weigh Day. So, you all need to gather in the gym and go to your trainers for the submission of your progress.''
Hearing this, like all the others, I sat up from my chair and walked to the gym. The Wednesday Weigh Day was a specific day in every month when we weighed and measured ourselves to see whether our body was changing or not. When I had weighed myself when I first came to the club, I was at 228 pounds.
John was already standing in the gym beside the weight scale. I felt uneasy as my heart was beating more than the normal pace. I pulled the hem of my shirt more than twice as I walked toward the scale. Me, Kylie, and three other girls were under John's training. I could feel my heart in my throat.
Oh my God! What if I am struck with the same weight? What if all of my hard work hasn't paid off? How am I gonna accept it?
Kylie, Maria, and Jenna had already been weighed and measured, and John was writing about everyone in his diary while Lena was measuring everyone. Kylie weighed 210 pounds, Maria was at 190 pounds, and Jenna weighed 223 pounds. Their weights did not explain their body image because of the difference of heights and body type.
''Anna, its your turn.'' I swallowed a lump at John's voice.
Wiping the sweat from my forehead, I stepped on the scale which was adjoined with the height measuring scale. I looked away from the scale as I tilted my head.
''Stay straight,'' Lena said as she tilted my head upward.
I looked at the scale which read 206 pounds. For the moment of a second, I felt happy that I had lost some weight and the cruel sessions of working out was not a waste. But still, I was heavy. I sighed in disappointment when Lena was measuring my body with the tape.
''Waist 42,'' she said and John wrote it in his diary. ''Hips 49.''
What I'm gonna do now?
After writing about the last girl, Tressa, John closed his diary and looked straight at us. ''You guys have done a pretty well job. The results are unexpectedly good. Like I said before, there are no unsuccessful results under my training.''
We all exchanged glances at that awkward moment. Instead of motivating us, he was bragging about himself; no doubt why Jennifer and him were a perfect match.
''I'm so proud of you all. Just keep going and in no time you gonna reach your goals,'' Jennifer exclaimed with a mic in her hand, which made every girl in the room attentive. ''You all may not be happy with your results, but have some patience. Don't be sad or disappointed. Patience is not about waiting, it is about how you act when you are waiting. And in this moments of waiting, you have to believe in yourself that you can do it. If you stress about this, your brain will negatively signal to your body and it may affect your results. Got it?''
''Yes, ma'am!'' All the girls responded unison.
I went back to my room without exchanging words with anyone. The room was empty and silent. I sat on my bed and faced the mirror on my cupboard. Noticing my reflection in the mirror, I sat up and walked closed to the mirror. I stared at the figure standing in front of me. For a quite long time.
The girl who was gazing back at me was nothing like the person I used to know. The pale skin, yet a little redness on cheeks; the dark circles were no longer there; and my hair was a little longer. My body was little leaner and the clothes I wore were large for my size 20. I was surprised rather than being happy. I stretched the side of my mickey mouse sweat shirt and looked back in the mirror.
I can't believe this, I'm finally losing weight. I'm gonna reach my goals soon, and take my revenge from the people who hurt me most. But one question stills stand: How am I gonna take my revenge?
I was inundated in my thoughts when Lauren and Kylie walked into the room. They were holding cupcakes in their hands and were ranting about some girls. I immediately opened my cupboard and pretend to fold my clothes.
''Hey, Anna, where were you? We just got some delicious cupcakes as a treat from Jennifer,'' Kylie said as she licked her chocolate cupcake.
''I was cleaning my cupboard,'' I replied as I put my workout clothes in the laundry basket.
''Don't worry, girl, I have saved a cupcake for you.'' She handed me a strawberry cupcake, decorated with colorful sprinkles.
''Oh, thanks.'' Placing the cupcake on the lamp table beside my bed, I closed the cupboard's door and sat on my bed.
''By the way, I'm going to see the others' sketches in the activity room to make sure nobody is better at drawing Harry Styles than me,'' she spoke. ''So, you and Lauren should talk because you both are not interested in any activity.''
Me and Lauren looked at each other at the same moment, but she wore her frown and my eyes from wide from Kylie's words. Kylie left the room with her sketchbooks and pencils. In the past few days, I kept a distance and my head from Lauren's matter. Invading someone's privacy who thought that we were being nosy in their matter was not a good thing. And sticking my leg in Lauren's life was such a big mistake.
Because you help others only when they need your help.
''So, what was your measurement?'' Lauren asked, breaking the silence as she threow the cupcake wrapper in the dustbin.
''I lost a total 22 pounds and 10 inches,'' I replied as I licked my cupcake.
''That's good,'' she said as she sat back on the couch beside the window. ''I am now at 160 pounds.''
''But you don't look so heavy, like us.''
''Maybe because of body type or height,'' she replied. ''As Jennifer said that everyone's body is different when losing weight.''
Not knowing what to talk about with her, I only nodded and ate my delicious cupcake in silence.
''Why didn't you joined any activity?'' 'she asked me.
''Emmm... I just don't feel comfortable in crowds and feel pressured under these kind of circumstances.''
''Oh! I see...''
Suddenly, my cupboard opened and the clothes I tried to fit in fell out and made a mess on floor. I sat up from my bed and put them back in the drawer of the cupboard and my eyes shifted to the popping letter in the drawer. The folded paper from Cameron for Lauren.
Crap, what should I do now?
I sat back on the bed, facing Lauren who was reading her book.
Just give her the damn letter!
My inner turmoil was making me stressed. I was not sure about her reaction. She had cried before due to Cameron, and this letter might make her feel bad, but I had to give her the letter because Cameron asked me for my help.
''Lauren?''
''Yeah?'' She lowered The Maze Runner book and diverted her attention towards me.
''This is for you,'' I said reluctantly. ''From Cameron.''
Hearing this, she threw her book on the bed and snapped the letter out of my hands. She opened the folds of the paper abruptly. She read the letter with her wide eyes and face turned pale.
She kept on reading that letter for a pretty good minute, and then she crushed the paper in her hands, tearing it into millions of pieces, and then tossed it in the room's dustbin.
She fell on the floor, and seeing her like this, I scurried towards her. She rested her head on the side of bed and pushed her hair away from her face, looking down. Her eyes were focused on the floor as a tear slipped out of her left eye. I sat beside her on the floor and waited for her to talk.
''Lauren, I will listen to you,'' I mumbled as I tapped her shoulder. She kept her eyes on the floor and wiped the incoming tears.
I wonder what was written on the letter, which made her cry again!
''Anna, do you ever feel so confident that you have won the whole world and within a second your success turned into a massive failure. The world you had won turn upside down. You realized that the world, your success, and your confidence was just a delusional part of your life. It can be shattered like a delicate glass, which can't be put together again. Like ever?'' She sniveled as she talked with her hands.
Her words hit me hard. I knew how it felt. I knew how it felt when your self confidence was ruined, but I stayed quiet and let her continue.
''For my whole life, I have never cried a single tear after my mom died, because my first lesson from home was never shed a single tear because tears makes you weak and pathetic. My father always treated me like a guy and he taught me how to do boxing and how to be tough. I used to hate when my father told me not to ever be a basic girl who falls in love with highschool fucktards,'' she said. ''I was tough on the inside, but I was a girly shit on the outside. I used to wear all pink, pastels, and fashionata stuff. In school, everyone followed me like a queen bee, not only by my schoolmates, but I was a favorite student of every teacher in school because I was one of the top students of the school. I was the one who used to motivate everyone to have an healthy diet and nutrition.I had maintained a social status and had many friends and many guys following me.'' She wiped the tears and swallowed the lumps in her throat.
''I didn't want anyone, because deep down, I was confused and scared of a relationship. I was ready to be in love, but didn't know if I could take all the hardships or not. But then came a guy into my life,'' she continued.
Guy? Maybe Cameron?
''Was he Cameron?'' I asked
''Yeah, he was Cameron,'' she replied and hugged her knees. ''He came into my life, treated me like princess, and made me believe in love. It felt like I had everything in the whole world. I thought I was some kind of queen of this world who had all the happiness in this world. But then...'' She coughed and I rushed to the nightstand and poured her a glass of water.
She drank the water, put the glass beside her, and took a deep breath.
''Lauren, relax! If you don't want to tell me anything you-''
''Please, just listen to me,'' she sobbed. ''I want to let out all of this.''
''Sure. You can tell me anything.''
''Thanks.'' She tried to smile.
''And then I came across the reality. He was not the one he pretend to be. He was the most fucking liar, manipulative dickhead I have ever seen in my delusional life. He broke me, made me weak, and took all of the happiness in my life,'' she whispered yelled.
''What did he do?''
''He cheated on me,'' she mumbled and a tear fell from her eye to the ground. ''And when I asked him why he did that, he said that all the falling me in love with him and making me follow him like a puppy was a bet.''
Not believing what I had heard, I asked surprisingly with a wide opened mouth, ''A bet?''
''Yes, a fucking bet,'' she groaned. ''He made me feel special because of that fucking bet. His feelings for me and all the sweet actions he did for me was just fucking pretend. But my feelings were real, everything I did and thought about him was real. I gained all the weight due to depression''
''And after all this he just send a sorry note!'' she whined as she put her hands on her face and wept even more.
''I'm so sorry,'' I whispered as I leaned towards her. She hugged me and cried more.
I felt so bad for her because I never knew that she was so broken. My mind was still not believing what Cameron did. I always saw Cameron as a nice guy who helped everyone. Around Lauren, Cameron always behaved quite different. Might be due to guilt.
But he seem so sad when he gave me that letter! There must be something with him.
''No,'' she swallowed a lump in throat and sat straight from my embrace. ''I'm sorry for being a bitch to you.The reason I told you all the stuff is because I want to apologize for everything I tried to piss you off. I promise you that I ain't gonna be rude to you.''
''Lauren, you don't have to be sorry about this,'' I replied. ''I understand you,''
A girl who went through these kind of circumstances knew how it felt to be broken.
''Thanks, Anna, for listening to my fucked up story about my bullshit life.''
''So, are we friends now?'' I tried to cheer her.
''Why not?'' she responded back. ''I knew you are a friendly person, but I didn't want to be so close.''
''Why?''
''Because from my past experiences, I learnt that friends stab you right in your heart and it hurts more than anything in this world,'' she shrugged.
Yeah! You are so right!
''Only Kylie sticked with me, even I tried to pushed her away, but-''
''Lauren, you backstabbing bitch!'' Kylie roared inside the room as a mischievous smile was playing across her face. ''I stayed with you because you are the coolest person I know.''
''I guess, thank you.'' Lauren chuckled.
We all three laughed together, and our small bubble of friendship looked like the happiest gathering in the whole world. Only a damaged person could understand how much the other person was hurting. Every word of Lauren's life story made me feel close to her.
In this world, everyone wore a mask to hide their reality. Just like Lauren, who wore a mask of tough girl to hide her crushed heart. Cameron wore a mask of happy guy, and I covered up my reality to hide my scars.
Am I ever able to heal my scars? Or will this keep on hurting me? Because, slowly, I'm consuming in it.
Author's Note:
Hi My dolls :DD How are you all?
This is the longest chapter I have ever wrote! *4500+ WORDS* I am happy with it :)
So, what are your thoughts about this? Damn you Cameron! Anyone expected this?
Please COMMENT so I can see what are your thoughts :) And please share this story with your friends :) THANKS FOR YOUR SUPPORT AND LOVE <333 Even a single vote or comment can make me dance like an omppa lumpas who is abandoned by others due to lack of dancing skills but still love to dance! #dowhatyoulovetodo
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