Nellie sat at her parent's dining room table early that morning. She sat with her chin in the palm of her hands as she stared out the glass doors, the rain outside hitting them with a gentle tap at a steady rate. The girl couldn't sleep and it was slowly killing her mental state as she let it fester, all her thoughts consuming her like it was a virus and she was all it had to survive on. Nellie hadn't ever really felt remorse on such a high level before, but now that she was felling it she could really only see herself as the villain; she knew what she was doing when she did it and it only had a backlash because she had fallen in love with the boy she wrote about to make her point. She thought her point was dumb now, like it was all completely relative to what she had just a few days ago.
Nellie was doing her best to just avoid everyone at this point—so much so that she was staying with her parents. She usually hid in her old room, letting every thing bother her until her father came in to check on her. Nellie hadn't really told anyone but Lainey and Michael what had happened because every time she told the story again she cried her heart out and just overall felt worse. She knew she did it all to herself; that she should have just stopped and deleted it all when she had the chance because it turned out the amount of people she had reached to make her point was nothing compared to the love she had for the boy who didn't care for it. She pulled her knees into her chest as she started to think about it, the ache of her heart and the tightness of her throat starting to sneak up on her like the reality that done so a few days before. Only this time someone momentarily stopped it from happening when they spoke to her.
"Nellie, sweetheart, you should really rest," Leo said.
Nellie glanced at him from her spot at the table. The man was dressed in his scrubs and was pouring himself a cup of coffee as he said it. He turned around a few moments after, Leo walking towards his daughter before she pulled up a seat next to her. She watched him as he did this, the short girl frowning at him as he frowned back at her. She had bags under her eyes and a tiredness to her normal glow; she looked torn apart and the man hadn't actually seen her like this in two years. She was never sad—it just wasn't who she was. He pushed some of her hair behind her ear as her bottom lip quivered, Leo feeling his heartache for her as he tried to comfort her.
"I can't sleep. I've tried, believe me," Nellie whispered. She paused after she said it, the girl's thoughts starting to run again as her father looked at her with concern. She looked at him again before she spoke, her question making him want to cry for her. "Am I a bad person?"
"God no, Nellie," he said. The girl looked at him with tears in her eyes as he answered her. He frowned at her before he motioned for her to sit with him, the man hugging his twenty-one year old daughter to his chest as she started to cry again. He rubbed her arm as she did this, Nellie seeming like she was five again and crying over a scrape on her knee—though now the pain she was experiencing was far worse and her father knew this. Leo kissed her forehead softly as she cried into his shoulder, the older man wishing he could make his daughter's pain go away. "Sweetheart, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry your heart hurts."
"He called me a bitch," Nellie cried; her voice being muffled by the fabric of the man's work clothes. Leo hugged Nellie tighter at this, knowing well that Nellie prided herself on being a nice person to everyone she encountered; especially those she loved. "I love him and he doesn't even think I love him back. He thinks I'm not nice," Nellie sobbed.
"You're the sweetest girl I've ever known, Nellie; and there's no way he really thinks that," Leo said. He lifted the girl's head for his shoulder at this, the man holding her cheeks as he wiped away her tears.
He hated seeing her like this, mostly because she was his happy ray of sunshine and she was now as dull as the clouds that poured rain from the sky. He also shoved down his ill-feelings towards Luke as he listened to Nellie cry about him; it broke his heart to hear that he had told her such a thing—even if he was mad. Leo would have never called Nick such names even if Nick had taken advantage of him in some way. Nellie only continued to let tears fall down her cheeks as she rested her head on her father's shoulder again.
"Luke loves you, Nell Bell. I think he was just hurt."
"I didn't mean to hurt him," she mumbled; her voice sounding like she was going to sob again.
"I know, sweetheart," Leo smiled, sadly, "you never want to hurt anyone. He knows that. He just needs to realize it." Nellie nodded her head as she frowned, the girl's tears falling past her eyes silently now. "I have to go to work now, Nell Bell," he said. "Promise me you'll try to sleep a little today while I'm gone," Leo said, the girl standing up as he said it.
Nellie nodded her head, the man offering her a half smile. He held his pinky out for her a few seconds later, the girl wrapping her small pinky around his. Nellie walked back to her old room after she did this, the girl feeling achy and tired as she stepped down the dark hallway. She knew she wasn't going to be able to sleep even she tried. A lot of it had to do with the empty bed; Nellie didn't really want to sleep in a bed by herself at this point because it made her feel cold and her chest feel tight. She started to wonder if Luke felt the same way only to stop a short while after she felt the headache that came along with it. Nellie laid in bed like her father had asked her, the girl closing her eyes in an attempt to get the reassuring feeling for forgetting for a while. It didn't work and she truthfully ended up laying on the ground, figuring the block in her way was the bed she laid in. The bed wasn't really her issue; her mind was, but since she was convinced it was the bed, she fell asleep on the floor three hours later.
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Luke wasn't doing well. He was mad; madder than he usually was but his anger was kind of like a mask for the way his chest ached when he thought about the girl he loved. He felt depressed when he thought about how she had lied to him and never told him about the blog and then felt guilt when he thought about how he called her bitch and left her to hang on the edge of something so trivial. He knew Nellie wasn't a bitch and he regretted the words since he realized exactly what he said. His regret wasn't as strong as his own pain and self pity was as he hit the punching bag in front of him.
The boy had been doing nothing but training and fighting for the past week as he slipped into the new year without the girl he loved so dearly by his side. He almost felt like he was experiencing déjà vu, only this time it wasn't his fault. This time he could pin the blame on someone else; only until he realized that he really only had himself to blame for avoiding her calls and messages. He very well could have been back with Nellie if he wanted to right then; he could have had her lips pressed against his and her between himself and his sheets (being reassured that she really did love him) but he was too busy wallowing in his own sadness to realize it.
He continued to hit the punching bag with all his might before the only thing that was driving him was blind rage. The boy's hand started to go numb at this, blood dripping from inside his glove and where his bandages were. He glared at it, the boy ignoring it as he took a few more punches only to feel pain shoot through his hand and arm minutes later. He cursed to himself as he stopped, taking his glove off to see his bandages soaked with the red color. Luke couldn't move his fingers at this, the tall boy feeling his throat get tight with the urge to cry rising in the back of his mind. He walked to the trainer's small office, the boy hitting his uninjured fist against the door. The man opened up the door, Luke putting his hand out before he spoke monotonously.
"I can't move it it," he said.
"What the hell do you mean you can't move it?" The man asked; his question being more of a rhetorical one as he touched Luke's hand. The action make him wince and pull his hand back, Luke glaring at the trainer before he shook his head and grabbed his coat and keys. Luke watched him as he did this, the man telling him it was probably broken or fractured. This really wasn't news Luke wanted to hear at a time like this. Fighting was his outlet, and his income. If his hand was broken, he was screwed in a lot of different aspects. The boy put his sweatshirt on before he followed the man out, Luke looking hesitant in all his actions as they approached the man's car.
Luke stared at it for a moment before he got in, the boy sitting in the front seat next to his coach. He looked beyond tense when he did this, mostly because thoughts of not just Jules, but Nellie flooded back into his mind since the last person he was in a car with was the short, brown skinned girl. Luke gripped the door handle next to him as the man pulled away from the building, the pain in his hand distracting him from the thoughts that tried to psych him out as he went to get help. He truthfully almost took his phone out and called Nellie, but he knew if he called her he would have cried until he couldn't breathe—and the last thing he needed was to be seen as weak by his coach.
Luke just felt angry at this, mostly with himself (and partially Nellie). He thought to himself that if Nellie was so goddamn persistent, and so goddamn lovely and nice all the time he wouldn't be feeling the ache he felt right now. He wouldn't be inflicting more pain on himself to avoid the other pain. He wanted all the noise in his head to just cut out—to give him ten minutes to breathe in silence. Only he knew he wasn't going to get that; he was just going to get thoughts alone in a room of a hospital while some random nurse bandaged up his hand. He ignored the offers of help as his coach pulled up to the hospital, the boy getting out of the car as the man was still speaking to him.
Luke stepped in and told the nurse at the front desk his issue; the woman glancing at his hand before she took him to a room due to the blood that was dripping from it. She cleaned up his hand enough to get the dried blood and some of the bleeding to stop before she handed him a clipboard with papers to fill out. He filled it out as best as he could with his injured hand, the boy feeling worse as he was forced to do everything alone and in pain. He knew if he called Nellie she would probably be there before he could even finish the sentence that he would have asked to get her to come—and this was all because Nellie loved Luke. She would have come if he was crying over a small scrape on his knee and just wanted her to hug him over it. It's just who she was. It was just how she loved those she cared about.
The woman came back in to take the clipboard from the boy. Luke zoned out as he was told what the next nurse who came in was going to do and after the doctor came in with them to get x-rays of his hand, he quickly found out he did break his hand. The boy kind of felt an urge to throw himself in front of a bus at this—everything he once had falling apart in front of his eyes. Luke was told a nurse would be in soon to give him a cast and then he would be on his way. The boy didn't say anything to this, rather he texted Lindsey because he was too nervous (and angry) to actually text Nellie.
The next nurse to step in looked familiar to Luke, his dark skin and broad stature making him feel a ring of déjà vu as he realized who it was. Luke wanted to disappear at this, especially since he knew the nurse was Nellie's dad and Luke didn't know what Nellie had been telling everyone about her own heartache. For all he knew Nellie felt as awful as he was—or maybe he was wrong; maybe Nellie was happy. Luke didn't know, but he truthfully felt even more terrible when he thought about Nellie being happy without him (he also felt oddly safe at this thought; he didn't really want to imagine Nellie said, nor be the reason she was). He shook his head as the man looked at him, the boy knowing well that he recognized who he was.
"I'll make this quick as possible for the both of us," Leo said, trying to joke slightly with the boy who was visibly tense. Luke didn't react to his words, the boy rather looking tired and annoyed as he sat there. It was quiet for a while as the man bandaged up Luke's injury; he really became built up with spite at this. Leo didn't try to initiate anymore conversation for this reason, the anger the boy had radiating off of him like the heat did with the sun. Leo paused as he continued to help Luke with his injury, the man choosing to speak up despite the feeling he still got from Luke.
"Are you alright, Luke?" Leo asked. The boy only furrowed his eyebrows at the question; he didn't really know why Leo of all people was asking him this question, much less why Leo even cared. As far as Leo was probably concerned Luke was the one that had made Nellie cry, not the other way around. And Leo already made it seem like he didn't like Luke before, so none of it really added up to the blond boy as he thought about it. His other problem was he wasn't really sure how to answer Leo's question because he wasn't really sure on whether or not to make it short and sweet or just lie. Luke ended up lying.
"I'm fine," he mumbled. Leo gave him a look for this, the boy not budging as he glared at the cast that was now on his hand. Leo stepped away at this, Luke uttering a few words he didn't expect once he did turn away—they really came up like a reflex, kind of like word vomit. "Is Nellie okay?" Luke asked, the girl's name rolling of his tongue like it was comforting to his heart. He really missed the girl as he thought about it, the boy making it quite obvious that he felt awful without her by his side.
"She's—she's trying," Leo said, a sad smile taking over his features as he said it. Luke frowned when the man did this, the boy asking for more details only to have Leo shake his head. He knew Nellie wouldn't have cared what he told Luke if it was the truth, Luke knew this too because Nellie wasn't one to hide how she was feeling. Luke sighed as Leo cleaned up slightly, he glanced back at the tall boy as he leaned against the counter. Luke looked at his phone repeatedly as Leo stared at him, the man not being able to tell exactly what the boy was looking at or for. "Do you want me to call her?" Leo asked. Luke quickly looked at Leo when he said this, like his words were the best thing he had heard all week (and they really were). Luke paused after he did this, the boy looking more hesitant like a deer his headlights before he shook his head.
"I—no," he stuttered. "I'm okay," he lied again.
Leo went to say something else before Luke's phone buzzed, the boy looking at him as he seemed like he wanted to go. The man gave him a nod and wished him well as he exited the room. Leo watched Luke as the boy walked out, the tall boy getting into his friend's car. Lindsey looked at him with concern when he sat down, a frown taking over his features as he felt his chest get tight at the idea of sitting in the front seat of the car. He buckled himself before he grabbed the handle on the door again, the boy screwing his eyes shut in discomfort as he sat with a slight shake to his body.
Lindsey opened her mouth to say something to the boy, only to stop as tears slipped past his eyes. The car wasn't even moving yet, but all of his feelings had been building up endlessly for the past week (and especially the past hour). Lindsey could tell the boy was struggling to hold it together as she drove away from the hospital, his knuckles turning white and cracking open to drip with blood as he held onto the handle for dear life. Luke's bottom lip quivered as his breathing became labored and his feelings poured past his eyes in the form of tears and his lips in the form of sobs. Lindsey glanced at him with concern as he cried over a variety of things. She said the boy's name as he continued to sob, his body shaking as his mind ate away at him for what he did to himself and everything he had done to others.
Lindsey pulled over as he did this, the action only making the boy panic more as she stopped the car. He mostly wanted to get it over with it but he couldn't vocalize this as he continued to have an emotional breakdown, his chest heaving as Lindsey touched his arm gently. She frowned at the boy as he ruined himself in front of her, Luke continuing to breathe with the utmost of struggles as he regretted denying Leo's offer to call Nellie. Lindsey grabbed her friend's hand in hope that it would make him feel better; it really only made him feel worse because he wished it was Nellie's hand in his and Nellie's fingers running across his cheek to comfort him; he wanted it to be Nellie but he was so mad at her. She broke his heart, she lied to him and played him for a fool, but he still loved her like she had never committed a wrong in her quiet little life.
"Why did she have to do it? Why did she have to play me for a fool?" Luke cried in frustration, Lindsey frowning at the boy as she came up speechless to his question.
"Just call her, Luke," Lindsey said, softly. The boy only cried again at the suggestion; Lindsey didn't get it—no one really got it. "Stop making yourself suffer."
"She lied to me," the boy, yelled.
"She did a shitty thing—I understand that—but she feels remorse for it. I know she does, Luke. She loves you," Lindsey said, her words only making Luke angrier and in more pain as he shook his head. The girl sighed when the boy did this, his actions making her want to strangle him for being so stubborn. He only glared at her after she said what she had to say, the girl shaking her head at him as if she finally gave up. She moved back to her seat and sat there for a moment with her arms crossed; the girl waiting a few seconds before she spoke again.
"Tell me when you're ready again."
"Just take me fucking home," he mumbled. Lindsey started the car when he said this, Luke gripping the handle and closing his eyes as he fumed with anger for the rest of the ride.
When he did get home, Lindsey walked him up to his apartment. He shook with a silent anger and ache as they approached his door. He wanted to be left alone at that point, his mind feeling full and tired as he unlocked the door. Lindsey frowned at him as he pushed open his door, the girl glancing back at the one across the hall; Luke watched her do it, the tall boy shaking his head at her. He knew Nellie wasn't there—he knew if she was he would've had run into her at some point, but he didn't see her once in the past week (which to him proved that the damage had been done).
"Don't bother," he mumbled, "she's not there."
"You tried?"
"The door hasn't opened in a week. She's not there," Luke repeated, his heart aching as Lindsey glanced back at it. She nodded her head as she frowned, her friend staring at her with a tired look. Lindsey felt guilty at the look he gave her, she really only felt this way because she felt like she did an awful job at comforting her friend—the only really good thing she felt she did was picking him up and trying to comfort him. Luke knew her words were some of wisdom, but he still didn't seem to want them. He was so stubborn and Lindsey hated it.
"Get some rest, Luke," she said, "and do yourself a favor and call Nellie when you wake up." The girl seeming to shove the idea down his throat.
Luke only glared at her for this; the boy wanting to make that choice for himself when he didn't feel so angry. Lindsey looked at him before he smiled coldly and clenched his jaw, the ice of his anticipated tone already radiating off of him. He only threw back what she had said to him, his glare adding to the harshness of it.
"Yeah? Do me a favor and leave me the hell alone," he grumbled, closing the door on her before she could utter another word to her friend.
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every time i wrote Lindsey I tried to write Nellie and it made me really depressed™
hi, friends. sorry this was an emotionally filler, I hope to up the intensity and drama a little bit (or a lot a bit) next chapter) because you know me I live for that drama
i actually hated writing this chapter bc it felt like it took forever because Nellie is so sad and Luke his angry and I'm having angina and it's all really overwhelming but it's really only been like 5 or 6 days since I last updated so I'm just a Rek™
I'm also very overwhelmed with midterm prep right now so idk when the next chapter is gonna be written or published idk I'm ?????
but we have this for now. it's not what I want for Nellie and Luke but we're gonna have to make it suffice. at least they miss each other, that's a sad something, right?
ok well I'm sorry this is emotionally shit for all of us
thanks 2017 this was rude