I yawned heavily and sighed, rubbing the heel of my palm on the aching spot on my temple. I always find myself waking up to my screams and falling onto the floor. Mum would wake up and grab me in a hug, whispering that everything was alright. I hated waking her up in the middle of the morning.
Even if she tried convincing me that the threat and the fear and the pain were over, my mind couldn’t get to terms with that fact. I will still have that nagging feeling inside me and I will still have that fear, that uneasiness, that self-hate inside me. That won’t fade away at all. That won’t get off my chest.
It’s inside me.
Growing, brewing inside me.
I halted halfway of my walking and felt my whole body swaying. Shooting an arm out to steady myself, I waited for the nausea to stop threatening to push me over. Today was Wednesday; it’s been four days since I last slept, seven days since I ran away with Mum, five days since the threatening message from Dad.
What a week.
I don’t even know how long I can keep this ‘not sleeping’ routine up. Four days and I’m already popping pills and drinking coffee like my life depended on it. Which to be told the truth, in a way yes. I needed to eat anti-depression pills, calming pills or whatever the psychiatrist had given me.
It was ridiculous, I didn’t need it but she insisted that I take it. I may not know that I was depressed and that I hate myself once upon a time, she practically blackmailed me to take them. She didn’t even know the anti-hate pills she had given me made me high during practice.
Talking of practice, I was making my way towards the pitch slowly. I had poured coffee into my tumbler and I was chugging the content down, one is to make me feel awake and two, I needed it to make me feel better about myself. Mum and the psychiatrist-Emily told me it’d help one way or the other.
I was just following their orders because I loved coffee.
I couldn’t live without it.
My team thinks that I was crazy, a caffeine addict but they didn’t know about the other reason why I had coffee all the time. They didn’t need to know and worry about me though. Every time they see me chugging more coffee, they’d shake their heads at me and tease that I might get high due to the caffeine.
I’d just smile at them.
Yawning again, I got towards the field and made my way towards my team who were doing their conditioning. We always did the conditioning in the field since we can’t actually run in the pitch. The coach was barking orders and demanding them to do faster, swifter. I just rolled my eyes at him and made my way towards the sheltered benches where Marcus was seated.
I raised an eyebrow at him but didn’t question why he was seated there instead of sweating his ass off like his other team mates. I sat down heavily on the bench and leaned back, watching them with mild amusement. My ribs were still squeaking in pain and the bruise were now turning blue, which was a good sign. A few more days before I can be back on the dirt with the rest.
The team sent me a smile each, the girls grimacing under the hot sun but they kept quiet, giggling at something they were whispering about as they ran. I had a clue, they were whispering about the rugby boys that were practicing a few yards away from us. Even if we were technically enemies with the other, girls would be girls and boys would be boys.
I rest my head onto the back of the shelter and closed my eyes for a moment, wanting to rest but the flashing image of Dad’s fuming face loomed in my mind’s eye which made me flinch violently. I snapped my eyes open and jerked forward, resting my elbows onto my knees. Breathing so heavily, I grabbed my tumbler full of coffee and chugged it down swiftly.
I let out a shaky sigh after that.
His face.
It’s always there to haunt me.
‘Captain, are you okay?’ Marcus spoke to me and I swerved to my left to see him frowning in concern at me. ‘You look deathly pale-‘
‘I’m fine Marcus, I will be,’ I interrupted him softly. I gave him a small smile and threw my tumbler of coffee at him, watching him catch it while raising an eyebrow at my move. ‘Take care of it for me. Don’t lose it or I’ll kick your ass.’
I watched him for a moment before I shot out of the bench. The only other way that makes me feel better was running. Despite my injuries, I ignored their protests and the pain that was shooting into my side and just forced my legs to move. I hear my team shout after me but none stopped me, they knew not to stop me from doing what I want.
Now, I want to run.
If only I can run away from my problems I would have done it years ago.
I pushed myself faster, only satisfied when I hear my harsh breathing and the sound of my feet on the ground. Running brings me a form of distraction which I allowed, no other thoughts except for the thrill of running, letting myself do what I want to do best. Run free from all my problems.
I kept running until I was about to pass out. An hour had passed and I gradually jogged, letting my heartbeat slow down before I walked for a few metres. I knew people were watching me from around the field but they knew not to ask, they knew I ran like mad but they didn’t know why.
I began making my way towards the benches where a concerned-looking Marcus still sat waiting for me clutching onto my tumbler. Sweat dripped down from my hair and I dragged both hands through it so that they stuck up in odd angles. His eyes grew even wider as he saw me do that and quickly shoved the tumbler into my hands without another word.
‘That was cruel,’ he said softly. His eyes hardened at me. ‘You shouldn’t drive your body like that Captain. You could’ve passed out at the way you’re running flat out like that. I was amazed you are still up and running after an hour sprinting like that.’
I raised an eyebrow at him and chugged down more coffee. I just shrugged at him and turned away, making my way out of the field without a word. I didn’t give a shit about what he said despite him being a junior and all, it doesn’t even matter anyway. My body could take it. It’s not like that was the first time I’ve pushed myself.
Ignoring the screams and squeaks from my ribs, I walked towards where my team were lounging around the benches near the gym. They greeted me and started teasing me again for god knows what so I gave them a dramatic eye roll before locating my bag. I grabbed two bottles of pills and poured one each out before popping them into my mouth.
Taking a swig of more coffee, I grimaced as I felt the pills slide down my throat. One was painkillers and the other was anti-depressant pills. I noticed my team looking at me with concern but they didn’t question anything. I sat in-between them and was soon joined within their conversation.
We were teasing Leah about a boy she liked and laughing heartily at her blushing face when I heard my ringtone erupting from my bag. Confused, I dug the phone out and saw that Mum was calling me. My heart dropped and my gut clenched uncomfortable- Mum never calls me. Even if she did, it wasn’t good news.
I excused myself from the group quickly, jogging away from them so that I was out of earshot and leaned on a wall before accepting the call. I was on the other side of the gym, away from everyone. I could hear heavy breathing and soft whimpers. I knew something was wrong, my heart broke and my stomach turned queasy. My gut feeling was always right.
‘Mum?’ I asked quietly. ‘Mum, is everything alright? Please talk to me, where are you?’
‘Ally honey, I-I’m s-sorry,’ she whispered so softly over the line that I had to press the phone harder into my ear to hear what she had just said. My heart broke and I let out a sob. ‘P-please forgive m-me.’
I bit my lip as I felt tears crawling down my cheeks. ‘M-mum where are you? I’ll come find you, where are you Mum? P-please don’t scare me like this,’ I whispered to her softly as my throat constricted, making speech almost impossible. ‘Mum?’
‘H-honey, don’t come get me. Please-‘
‘If you want your mother alive, get your ass back here,’ Dad growled through the phone. I let out a small gasp and slid down to the floor in shock as my legs couldn’t hold me up any longer. ‘And I mean it.’
Silence.
I looked at the phone and saw that he had hung up. I let out a small moan and brought both hands towards my head, my whole body shaking so badly. No. no. no. no. no. This cannot be happening right now. This cannot be. What am I supposed to do now? What will happen to Mum?
Should I go to the police?
Should I call Mitch?
What should I do?
What the fuck should I do?
I let out a frustrated breath and started crying. I cried because I was afraid. I cried because I was angry. I cried to let out my emotions. I was such a mess. I felt my whole body shaking, convulsing as I cried my heart out. I didn’t care if anyone saw me, I didn’t care. I didn’t know what to do.
I didn’t know.
Mum.
Oh my god Mum, I need to do something now!
I could feel my eyes burning again, frustrated that I didn’t know what to do and I could feel my throat tightening again. I was still thinking on what to do when I heard the door open and a group of boys laughing left the place. They saw me hunched over the wall and stopped laughing at once.
I didn’t move to look at them; I still stared at the ground, wondering if I should just get my ass home and deal with Dad but I didn’t want to face him at all, I didn’t want to get beaten up again. But Mum, I can’t leave Mum alone in his mercy. He didn’t hit her as much but I couldn’t bear it.
I gave a start when I felt a pair of hands on my knees and looked up to see Blake looking at me with concern in his eyes. He said nothing as his eyes roamed my tear-streaked face and he gently wiped the tears that were still running down my cheeks. He had knelt in front of me and was looking at me with such sad eyes.
‘What happened Ally?’ he asked me so softly. His fingers trailed along my face and then they left to grip both my hands tightly. I could feel both his strong hands shaking slightly as he did that. ‘Why are you crying?’
I licked my lips. Instantly with him holding my hands, I felt better. I felt invincible. Suddenly, I had an idea. ‘Can you help me with something?’ I asked him breathlessly, gripping his hands tighter as I looked over at him. I continued without waiting for his reply because I knew he’d help. ‘I need to get my Mum from my Dad, will you help me?’
His eyebrows shot up at my question. ‘She’s in trouble and I’m not planning to leave her alone with that beast,’ I told him quickly and shot up, pulling him to stand up with me. I started tugging him along with me, all fear and desperation had slid off me when Blake was there.
I tugged him past hallways and down the stairs, gradually speeding up until the both of us were running flat out towards my house. It wasn’t far from school and by then, we were both standing in front of my old house. My breathing grew heavy and frantic as I stared at it, fear clawing in my chest.
I bit my lip and let my hand go from his grip. I started to walk forwards but then turned to tell him what I wanted him to do. ‘Give me five minutes and then you spot me if he does anything,’ I told him calmly before turning back to face forwards. Taking deep breaths, I marched towards the front door.
I knew where they were.
I raced towards the kitchen and saw her first. A cry broke from my lips when I saw her broken and limp body. I slid across the tiles and held her body to me, crying out for her to wake up and look at me. I breathed a sigh of relief when I could hear her heartbeat but that was too low for my comfort.
I tried waking her up, shaking her lightly and calling her name. My voice broke at the immense pain that I was feeling inside my chest. I cried out for her and held her close to me. I heard him coming down from the stairs and I heard him laughing at my misery. I turned to see him glaring at me.
His eyes were bloodshot.
His movements were erratic.
He was drunk and high. I could smell the booze from his clothes and his breath from a mile away. I could smell the cocaine and ice he had snorted, the smell rolling off of him in incessant waves. It was disgusting and I had to wrinkle my nose at that horrifying smell. It looked like he had gone from bad to worse.
‘What have you done to her?’ I screamed at him, fear and anger coursing through my veins. I gripped Mum tightly in my arms. Her body was so thin and so small in my strong grip. ‘Don’t you love her? How can you do this? How can you hit her and keep hitting her until she passed out? How could you? What kind of a man are you?!’
‘Don’t you dare accuse me you bitch, it’s your fault that I lost my job. It’s your fault that my life has gone to shit! If you didn’t exist in my fucked up life, I wouldn’t be stuck with you and your whore of a mother!’ he shouted back at me, his fury evident as his fists tightened and he took several steps forward.
‘You’re no better than her!’ I shouted at him, my throat hurting at the way I was yelling. I was furious, I was mad. He was accusing me of his downfall? He did that on his own! ‘You don’t deserve her you asshole!
His face turned black.
He stormed towards me and grabbed me by the collar of my softball uniform. I choked a little where the material cut into me as I got dragged a couple of meters into the air. He reined one of his hands back and I closed my eyes as I waited for his punch. This is it. But then, I felt myself falling.
I ended up with my back on the floor and Dad was on all fours, like as if he had been pushed. My eyes widened in realization at that thought. We had been pushed down. My eyes looked up to see Blake frowning over at Dad, a murderous look on his face. His dirty blonde hair was tussled and his clear blue eyes darkening.
‘Don’t ever touch my Allison,’ he told him quietly. My heart sped up at his words and he met my shocked gaze with a grim one. I forced myself upright and I turned my attention back at Mum who was still passed out. Letting Blake to deal with Dad and making sure he doesn’t attack me, I scooped Mum up in my arms.
‘You stay away from us Dad, I mean it. You’re going to jail for this asshole,’ I spat at him and got out of the house with Mum in my arms and Blake following me from behind. I was rushing down the pavement, heart in my mouth as I stared down at Mum. Her breathing was getting more shallow and she looked deathly pale.
‘We need to get to the hospital quick,’ Blake told me with a frown and we jogged towards the main street to find a taxi. Ten minutes later, we were already zooming towards the hospital as fast as the speed was allowed. I was in a jittery mood, fearful and impatient. As she got even paler, my tears had already run free.
The ride to the hospital was short but to me it was very long, it felt like an hour to me. When the taxi finally stopped, I left Blake to deal with the payment and I shot out of the car to rush towards the entrance.
‘Someone help me!’ I shouted as soon as I got to the entrance. ‘My mum’s critical! Please!’ As soon as I started shouting, doctors and nurses ran towards me to help me take Mum from my hands. They placed her gently on the bed and started whisking her away. Blake appeared suddenly beside me and together, we followed them towards the operation theatre.
Nurses stopped us from following and I just stood there staring at her. I sunk to my knees and started crying again. I felt a pair of arms around me and then I was squeezed into an embrace. I felt a hard chest leaning onto my back and I turned to wrap my arms around his neck.
After five minutes of crying like an idiot, I forced myself to stop crying and pulled myself away from his hug. I gave him a smile and stood up, starting to walk back and forth. I ran both hands through my hair as I started to get pretty restless. Both my tumbler and my pills were back in school.
I was beginning to panic.
Taking huge deep breaths, I tried to think rationally.
Mum is fine.
Mum is fine.
‘Ally, are you okay? You look like you’re going to have an asthma attack,’ Blake pointed out to me with a frown, concern spreading around his face. ‘You look very pale too.’
‘I need coffee,’ I muttered softly and jerked my head to the other direction. Without waiting for him, I began making my way down the hallway. I started wringing my hands together, massaging them incessantly along my wrist as I walked. My breathing was becoming erratic too.
I whirled around suddenly, facing Blake who halted at my sudden behaviour. ‘Can you call someone to bring my bag over? I need something in there,’ I told him breathlessly and shifted from foot to foot. ‘Please before I get worse over time.’
He looked like he wanted to ask me what I wanted but he didn’t, he just silently nodded and called someone over who was in school. I bit my lip and ran my hands through my hair, feeling the effects of the pill dissipating from me. Anxiety and stress was hitting me ten thousand fold.
I started whispering to myself.
‘Calm down, Mum’s fine. Just in the operating theatre. Just fine,’ I muttered softly under my breath and started singing some random tune. ‘Oh my god I can’t do this. Yes yes I can. Shh shut up! Mum’s fine, you can do this.’ My babbling to myself might’ve freaked Blake out but he kept quiet throughout the journey towards the vending machine.
I let out a small groan and ran my hands again through my hair, feeling all depressed and all over at the moment. I was about to let out a frustrated scream when I was pulled into an embrace, my face pressing onto a hard chest.
Okay, that was awkward.
‘Calm down Ally, take deep breaths now,’ he told me softly. I tried taking deep breaths, following his example. But the anxiety won’t go away. I need coffee and pills. I tore myself off his embrace and quickly pulled him along, grabbing onto his hand without another word. i almost cried out in relief when I finally saw the machine.
I jogged towards it, tugging Blake along.
When I finally wrestled the coffee can out of the machine, I chugged it down like my life depended on it. Which technically, it was. It made me calm if I didn’t have my pills with me. I let out a sigh as the caffeine calmed my senses and didn’t make me feel all over previously. I bought another can or so and stuffed them into my pockets before turning back to where we came from.
I glanced over at Blake. ‘Sorry about that,’ I told him softly. I watched him look at me for a brief moment and he just nodded, a genuine smile on his lips as his clear eyes accessed me furtively. ‘You shouldn’t have seen that either. You know back at my house, it’s just that-’
‘Ally, I didn’t mind. He would’ve hit you if I wasn’t there to stop it,’ he told me with a scowl. ‘Now, you concentrate on your mum alright? I’ll call Mitchell and Liam for you okay? I think it’s better if they know what had happened.’
I nodded and watched him take his phone out to dial some numbers. We made our way silently towards the seats where we were left waiting for Mum. I was still apprehensive, still worried. My pills weren’t here yet but I was calm enough not to overreact thanks to the coffee.
I was glad that I had asked Blake for help.
Or I wouldn’t be able to get Mum to the hospital.
I hoped she’d be fine.
I hope.
…