Chapter Eighty-Three: Flashback
It didn't take Ella very long to find Xaphile, but when she did, she was a little surprised to see him sitting curled up in a huge tree.
She stopped at the foot of the living monarch, feeling uncomfortable.
Arms wrapped around his knees, he was sitting on a thick branch, staring off at nothing and since she didn't know how to begin, she decided to say the first thing that popped into her head.
"I know you most likely will not believe that I am being sincere about this," she called, folding her arms and worriedly tapping her foot, "but I really did not mean to strike you earlier. That was an accident. I didn't realize you had leaned down and I am very sorry for doing it."
His tail twitched and his ears flicked for a few moments, but aside from that, he didn't move.
Not even to look down at her.
Ella sighed, then lowered her head and pressed a hand against her face.
"I am very awkward with things like social interaction," she reluctantly admitted. "Even more so when people I happen to respect or think highly of get too close to discovering my fears. I admit that there are people I truly care for, but deep down I'm afraid of letting them have power over my heart. And you... you already have a lot of power over it."
It was here that he turned and looked down at her.
"Then... you're afraid of me," he said simply. "Is that it?"
She threw her head up, startled.
"No!" she snapped, but her attitude faltered when he narrowed his eyes. "I'm not... afraid of you. I trust you with my life, Xaphile, and I assure you, that trust didn't come easy."
"Then what you said doesn't make sense," he growled, clenching his jaw. "It contradicts your behavior and everything you've said up to this point, and I don't understand why."
Ella lowered her arms and looked him dead in the eye.
"I am not afraid of you," she told him, speaking with absolute conviction; then her fierce expression fell and she swallowed, "but things between us are still very rocky... and that is what scares me."
He blinked.
"Why?" he asked, shaking his head in exasperation. "Things have been tense between us from the start, so why are you suddenly afraid?"
"To put it in a simplistic manner," Ella said softly, not breaking eye-contact, "I've somehow come to care about you deeply. When it happened, how it happened, I am not exactly certain, but I truly care for you."
"And why does that scare you?"
"Xaphile," she sighed, clenching her firsts. "I care about you to the point where I actually desire to change a few of my ways and become a person that you can respect. A person you can come to when you are hurting, or uncertain, or doubtful of things. And it scares me, because I am never certain I am doing things right. I am never sure if what I am doing will drive you away."
His face went slack for a moment, then, letting out a sigh, he jumped out of the tree and landed heavily on the ground.
His muscles rippled when he stood up and walked over, but Ella swallowed when he stepped close, his eyes suddenly going dark with an emotion she couldn't name.
He leaned down so they were nose to nose, but her breathing hitched at his proximity and petered out altogether when his round pupils turned into sharp, thin slits.
"You're afraid I'll hurt you," he said simply, eyes dragging across her face.
Her throat felt like it cracked when she spoke.
"No. I am afraid that I will mess up again and hurt you to the point where you want nothing to do with me, like the last few times," she rasped, not wanting to face her feelings, but unable to divert them when he was looking at her so harshly. "I don't want that."
Xaphile didn't reply.
She didn't move when he lifted his hand and cupped the side of her face with it, thumb stroking the skin below her eye for just a moment before travelling lower, pressing lightly against the spot on her neck where Vordt had bit her.
The skin there twinged at his touch, shivering with heat.
"I hurt you," he said quietly. "The same way that he did. How could you possibly care about me?"
"It wasn't the same at all," she instantly growled, shooting him a dangerous look. "Never say that again. The difference between you and him is that you weren't aware of what you were doing, and you never took advantage of it afterwards. You had absolute power over me, Xaphile... you could have forced me to do whatever you desired, but you didn't."
He turned, looking as if he were about to walk away from her, but before she could think, she grabbed his shoulder. The force she applied to his arm was as light as the touch of a dragonfly, but he didn't resist when she turned him back towards her.
His eyes fell closed.
"Look at me."
When he opened them again, giving her a rather unhappy expression, she stepped forward and wrapped him in an embrace.
Her ear came to rest against his bare chest, where she heard a steady heartbeat.
The scars on his broad back were bumpy against her finger, and they threw her mind back to all the times she'd ever hurt him.
She would never forget the day the guards had slapped a metal collar around his neck on her orders, or the sight of him quite literally being dragged by the throat through the dirt, barely able to move after all the abuse he'd been put through.
The trail of blood that had followed him to the cage still stained the ground in her memory.
He hurt me? she silently muttered, feeling the roughness of his once-smooth flesh. Compared to all I've done, his actions were pure and honest.
She was so much worse.
When he'd been crying in the rain, she'd chucked one of her daggers at him and told him to kill himself, had said that she wouldn't care or even shed a tear if he did, and she had, in fact, said with no small amount of venom that she hated everything to do with him because of his catlike features.
She had promised herself that she would never forget those moments... that she wouldn't let herself so she would never hurt him again.
Even now, his eyes were full of pain.
Pain that was there because she'd put it there.
The half-formed visions of her memories dissolved.
"You may have hurt me once," she said softly, "but I hurt you many times more, in many different ways, and most of those times were blatantly intentional. You didn't even mean to do what you did, yet you still feel guilty about it. And that is why I care for you. Nobody who meets you can dislike you, because you're an honest and very gentle creature."
He was completely still beneath her embrace.
A gust of wind swept across the island, and she felt tendrils of his long hair brush against her arms.
"Why do you care about me?" he whispered. "I don't... get it."
Ella remained where she was, feeling herself getting irritated.
Was it really so hard to fathom that she could like him? That she could actually care for him?
"You don't pick and choose who you like," she muttered, finally pulling back. "I just do. So deal with it. Now, let's head back to our lodging together and get some rest. If you're dead set on finding your little brother, then we need to..."
She stopped talking and frowned in puzzlement when Xaphile visibly stiffened.
Confused, she looked up at his face to see him staring off into space, looking almost... dazed.
"Something wrong?" she asked when his ears flicked and jerked sporadically. "Are you well?"
Blinking, he slowly swung his head around in an almost dizzy-looking fashion. The movement was a little strange to her, but she couldn't put her finger on why it was strange.
"My ears are ringing," he rasped, eyes rapidly darting around. "My head... it hurts..."
He met her gaze for a few seconds before his eyes visibly unfocused. He took a step forward, but his body was strangely unbalanced.
Alarm shot through her when he began to fall and she lunged without thinking, trying to steady him, but to her shock, he went limp: head lolling forward, muscles sagging, he collapsed in a boneless fashion against her.
"Xaphile!" she hissed, struggling to hold him up. "Are you all right? What's wrong?!"
He didn't answer.
His muscles completely slackened in her arms and her eyes widened with horror when he somehow grew heavier, so much heavier that his weight proved too much for her to handle.
Stumbling back a few steps, she tried to push herself away, but she ended up tripping over something and fell down with a squeal of displeasure.
He landed on top of her.
Blinking at the sky, Ella could only stare at the darkness in shock. She tried to move, but she was pinned so perfectly that she couldn't wriggle free.
"Xaphile," she muttered, grunting as she fought to move her arms. "Xaphile, get off!"
No response.
"You're heavy!" she squeaked. "Get off me, you big ox!"
Once again, not even a twitch.
Even his tail had fallen still.
Feeling genuinely worried about his health, she closed her eyes and held her breath, but from what she could tell, he was still breathing, although very slowly.
His warmth was soothing, though... his large frame on top of hers, the pressure of his body, it wasn't unbearable.
She flushed when she realized once again how good he smelled, like pine trees, and spice, and something... masculine.
Three months ago, being in this situation would have enraged her, but now... being this close to him, even though he was unconscious, was something that made her whole body feel warm.
She let out a sigh of dismay, then wriggled a little bit more to dislodge a rock from beneath her shoulders, then tried to position herself to be more comfortable.
Ella didn't know what was wrong with him, but she had a few suspicions that it was a combination of bad eating habits, stress, and lack of sleep.
It was no secret that he barely had an appetite, and because she was a very light sleeper, she always heard him when he woke up... or talked in his sleep.
Unfortunately, they couldn't stay outside all night, so she called for the only person she could think of.
"Sinmir!" Ella shouted, face twisting up. "Sinmir! Please! Wake up! I need your aid!"
There was silence for several seconds... then an unexpected crash came from the direction of the domed lodge. The sound of heavy footsteps came running towards her but when they stopped abruptly, she tilted her head back to see him staring at the two of them in shock.
She flailed her hands, as that was all she could do.
"What in the name of Asgrog's forge happened?" Sinmir asked, frowning. "Is he alright?"
"He collapsed out of nowhere," she explained, struggling to move, "and unfortunately, he's so heavy that I can't even budge him with my arms pinned like this. I would appreciate assistance!"
Sinmir knelt down and lifted Xaphile's limp body, easily throwing him over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes, and he watched as she stood up and dusted herself off.
"Come," he commanded, turning and stalking away. "And for Juno's sake, be silent when you go in. The others are already asleep, and they deserve the rest they're getting."
Ella sighed, rubbing her hair as she followed him up the path and straight indoors.
The fire had burned low while she'd bathed, but to her surprise, Amelia and Vrael were lying beside each other on the furs, back to back, both of them sleeping quietly. Gus was snoring on the farthest edge of the furs with a wide gap between the other two, and she presumed that was where Sinmir had been lying until he gently set Xaphile's body down in that spot and set a large hand across his forehead.
"He's not feverish," he said softly, finally pulling back. "That's a good sign."
"He needs to sleep and eat a decent meal," Ella muttered, staring at the floor. "I don't think he's been able to fully relax since we started this journey."
"And who's fault do you think it is?" Sinmir questioned, making her flinch. "The lad has gone through the nine fires and back because of how badly you two got off on the wrong foot. If he really collapsed because of what you say he must have... then take a good look at him."
"Why?" she sourly asked, trying to fight her irritation at his attitude. "Is something amiss?"
"Yes," Sinmir confirmed, narrowing his eyes at her. "Look hard at his face and steel your resolve to change for the better, because you are the biggest of many reasons that he is so stressed."
Ella winced again at his words, knowing them to be true.
So she did.
She looked at Xaphile's face... at the gaunt bags beneath his eyes... at his abnormally pallid skin.
She looked at his curved horns and long ears... his dark hair.
She looked at everything. Saw everything. And somehow, doing so gave her strength
"I'll change," she said softly. "I want to become a person that he can respect. Perhaps by doing that, I might even garner true respect as one of Aerika's four rulers."
"Perhaps," Sinmir allowed.
She nodded and turned to walk over to her backpack, but before she could take so much as three steps, a wave of sickening nausea slammed into her stomach and her head began to hurt, pulsing with a strange red ache that she could almost see behind her eyes.
Blinking rapidly and swaying in place, she lifted a hand and held it against her left eye, which she squeezed shut in a futile attempt to alleviate the unexpected red-tinted headache.
Sinmir straightened up when she teetered precariously.
"Is something wrong?" he asked, looking at her with concern. "You have gone rather pale."
"Strange," she whispered weakly, finding herself lacking much strength. "My head hurts terribly and I feel... rather ill all of a sudden. I don't... understand... what's..."
She couldn't even finish.
Her ears rang loudly as she stood there, drowning out the sound of his concerned voice. He was speaking to her, but even though she could see his mouth moving, she could no longer hear him.
Colors grew blindingly bright and she had trouble seeing much, and everything began to blot out, obscured by the red pulses. She lost feeling in her head... her shoulders... her arms... stomach... and then, her legs went numb.
Her knees crumpled like jelly and she limply fell forward, landing hard on her face without feeling it. Images shrouded in a red haze flitted in and out of her brain, confusing and disorienting her.
She could no longer tell if she was seeing with her own eyes, or if this was some sort of strange hallucination her mind had conjured up. Her head lolled as she was lifted off the ground and hastily set beside Xaphile, but when her hand touched his, her whole body sparked with feeling.
She instinctively clutched it, trying to ground herself, but the moment she did she heard a voice.
"Xa-Xa..."
Ella wanted to call out to whoever it was, but she couldn't, and waves of confusion and emotional anguish flooded through her when she heard it again.
"Xa-Xa..."
The world blurred.
And then, she was falling into darkness, away from her body.
The next thing she knew, she was somehow looking through someone else's eyes, which was strange, but even stranger was the fact that this feeling was exactly like the time she had gone into Xaphile's memories.
The one who's eyes she was looking through blinked, and the scenery came into focus.
A cave.
It was surprisingly spacious and cheery for a natural structure, with a fire blazing cozily in the center of the room. A familiar woman was sitting on a bed in the corner, a small bundle pressed to her chest. Ella's heart would have stopped had she been aware of her physical body.
The woman she was looking at was obviously a Primordial Sprite since she had the ears, the long tail, and even a mane running down her spine, but her face... those eyes... and her dark hair...
There was no doubt.
She was somehow looking at Xaphile's mother.
Lei Heseroph.
"Xa-Xa," she quietly crooned, smiling in Ella's direction with beautiful upturned eyes that looked completely identical to her son's. "Wake up, my sweet... come to me."
She beckoned for the one who's vision she now looked through, careful not to disturb the fragile bundle in her arms. Ella's shock rose when her host clumsily stood up, finding whoever this was to be exceedingly small in stature.
A little tail wagged behind her as her host toddled over.
'I am looking through Xaphile's eyes,' she suddenly realized, shocked, 'but not the one I have come to know. This is a memory of who he was before his mind was damaged.'
Xaphile's little form was pulled onto his mother's bare lap, and he curiously peered at the blanket-swaddled babe she was cradling against her chest. She knew, somehow, that it howled so often and fiercely that his father left the cave for a little peace of mind.
Ella's first impression of this baby was a small, red-faced lump with sharp ears, tufts of fur running down its spine and skull, and a small black tail. Squalling, hiccuping, and scrunching its tiny brow into a most unbecoming scowl, the newborn child wailed at the top of its lungs.
"Here... you must hold him," Lei whispered. "Be very gentle and loving, my sweet."
When she held the baby out, Xaphile's little arms extended and he was very careful not to drop the squirming, crying bundle. When Lei placed the baby in his arms, it settled immediately, with a quiet, gurgling sigh and a small amount of shock spread across her exotic, dark tan face.
Ella felt her host's ears wriggle as she was forced to peer down at the tiny being cradled in his arms.
Xaphile poked it with a finger, and a surprising amount of delight -- delight that didn't actually belong to her -- erupted within her heart when its mouth latched onto him and sucked as if it were his mother's breast.
"This is your little brother Adariel, Xa-Xa," Lei sweetly giggled, pulling him closer. "He finally came to meet us."
"This is my brother?"
The voice that came out of her host belonged to a very young child, but the woman laughed, the bright chime of it beautiful, like bells, like music long-forgotten.
"Yes," she confirmed, running her fingers through Xaphile's dark hair when he nestled into her side. "You must protect him. Cherish him. He will be your strength in the days to come, and you will be his, for you are both to become the Kings of this forest someday."
Xaphile eyed the bundle in his little arms, satched the baby smack its lips, smelling of milk and sweetness, as it wriggled aimlessly in the cloth it was swaddled in. Then, for one glorious moment, it blinked... gazing at him with eyes of bluest blue, lips curving into a brilliant smile.
When the infant flailed out and clutched his nose with a single tiny, perfect hand, a surge of burning affection swelled high in Ella's chest. The feeling of adoration coursing through him closely matched the level of emotion he'd had for the other Ella.
Xaphile drew the soft, lovely warmth of his brother close to him, and lay a kiss on his forehead, gentle as a child could be.
It was then that a voice filled Ella's head, making the images before her turn blinding.
"He is mine to protect," Xaphile's adult self whispered. "He is mine to cherish... my baby brother."
"No," another voice growled. "He is not yours. You, after all, are nothing more than an impostor."
"I'm not an impostor."
"SILENCE!" the voice thundered. "You will not address me here unless I ask you a direct question! And don't think I have forgotten about you, mortal woman... I originally intended to view his human memories but failed because a strange force obstructs me. That means you're next."
Ella's fear flashed to the maximum when the images before her vanished, and then, she was falling again.
But apparently, not for long... because when the sensation stopped... she was herself again.
Only, not the self she knew.