Michael
I wish when growing up there's someone there to teach and guide you through your life, like they tell you who you should and should not fall in love with. It would save a lot of people from getting their heart broken and hopes up just to see it come crashing down before their eyes. If time travel was possible I'm sure my future self would have come back by now to slap me upside the head for the countless nights I've spent obsessing over someone who I believed would feel the same towards me but I was clearly delusional, but we tend to live in a state of delusion.
Sometimes I also wish I was straight, if I was do you know how many of my problems would be solved? Well first of all I would never have any hate towards me and I would live a pretty peaceful life. I know that's a horrible thing to think but if I could change it I would take that opportunity so fast. If I was straight there would never be an instance where I would fall for someone that would never feel the same and I wouldn't fall for someone who only thinks of me as a "good friend."
Oh, also, if I were straight I would be able to fucking date someone and not have management all over me like flies on shit. After being in the band 5 Seconds of Summer for about 4 years now yes everyone knows I am gay and everyone is okay with it and the fans were so supportive but with that being said I am not allowed to date a guy because it would "give us an image that we are not ready for, yes it's one thing that everyone knows but once they see it it's a totally different story." What does that even mean?
It also probably wouldn't "help our image" if they found out that Luke and I have been secretly together for the past 7 months. When I say secret I mean secret. Calum and Ashton don't even know about our relationship, if that's what you can even call it.
We sneak around at night when everyone is asleep so that we can have sex or sometimes we just lie together and cuddle, we try and find any little excuse to touch each other. We would be at an interview and our legs would be touch, we would be on stage and we'd gravitate towards one another and the fans think it's innocent fun between friends but that would be out contact for the night and it would make us happy. I think it does more for me than it does for him.
What really bothers me is when there is people around he ignores me and acts like we are just friends, not even close friends. He treats me like one of the boys and I won't lie it does hurt me when he does that but I am so in love with him I don't even care. Plus I know that we can't go public with our relationship.
"Hey Michael, we're all getting some ice cream you want in?" Ashton asked popping his head into the little cot I have on our tour bus breaking my train of thought.
"Of course," I say getting out and slipping on my vans following behind everyone. We were already parked in front of this ice cream shop so we walked directly into it from our bus and there were a few people in there who of course recognized us so we had to take some pics and sign some things and be nice. I always enjoyed the interactions with the fans, it made me feel special and it was exciting to see a group of people get excited to talk to you. After that we finally got to go in and get our ice cream and took a seat at a booth away from the majority of the people.
"I can't believe we only have about 4 more shows left on our second tour," Calum exclaimed happily as he licked his ice cream cone.
"I know, it's insane," Luke said with a smile as he rubbed his foot agains mine, a signal that he wanted to play footsies to which of course I obliged. Trying to keep my huge smile at bay I put a huge spoonful of rocky road ice cream in my mouth as we continued to playfully kick each other under the table with the other two boys not having any idea what we were doing. We sat in the booth till we were all finished with our ice cream and headed back onto the bus for a long trip to our next show, which was in the next state next to the one we were on now so we had just decided to drive there.
Everyone had decided to go to bed around midnight but I have been lying in my bed unable to sleep for lord knows how long so I got out of my little bed space and walked into the area that was separate from the beds and sat on the couch that was there putting on the little lamp that was on the side of it thanking God it wasn't too bright to wake up the guys. It was so peaceful and quiet when everyone is asleep and the only sound in the bus is the tires moving on the pavement, it always seemed to calm me. As I was sitting I heard foot steps and looked back to met eyes with a blue pair and a soft smile crept on my face as he took a seat beside me.
"Couldn't sleep either?" Luke asked looking at me.
"Yeah, I'm just not tired I guess," I said as I crossed my arms when a chill went over my body.
"Come here," he said and I scooted over to his open arms and I lied on him comfortably as he enclosed his arms around me. These close and intimate times were the ones I loved the most, they always made me feel like we were a couple and like we weren't hiding.
I have for so long wanted to tell Luke how I really feel, how I am so in love with him it hurt. I knew it was stupid of me to fall in love with the person you have been having a secret romance, more like lust, with for a few months. The worst part though is Luke has a girlfriend, they have been together for about a year and trust me I know what kind of person that makes me but I just, I don't want to let him go.
The last thing I remembered before I fell asleep was a soft kiss on my forehead and a smile on my face.
***
I woke up the next morning on the couch, alone. Luke probably went to his bed so when the boys got up they wouldn't see us which was smart. Can't give our secret away this far into it.
"Hello sleepyhead, how did you end up on the couch?" Calum asked as I sat up rubbing my eyes.
"I couldn't sleep so I came here and I guess I ended up falling asleep," I said causing Calum to chuckle and continue eating his cereal.
"Guys, there's someone I want you all to meet," Luke said with a smile as he walked onto the bus. We all looked to the door of the bus waiting to see exactly who he was referring to and that's when a fairly tall blonde girl walked up the stairs and I immediately knew who it was.
His girlfriend.
Catherine.
We have never actually met her in person since we went on tour as soon as they got together but we have seen pictures of her and whenever they face timed. She was pretty no doubt but I won't lie, it hurt how much he loved her and you could tell he did, it was written all over his face whenever they talked or even when he mentioned her. I have come to realize that we would probably never be able to be like that, show our love to friends and our fans. Seeing her in person now has made my heart break just a little more but of course I couldn't let it on I was hurting.
"Everyone meet Catherine, she's going to be staying with us till the end of our tour," he said and the tear grew, spreading over my heart.
"Wow, it's finally nice to meet you," Ashton said getting up to hug her.
"Yeah, finally nice to meet the person who Luke constantly talks about," Calum said next hugging her with a smile.
My turn.
"Nice to meet you, and how exciting that you're going to be with us as we finish up our tour," I said faking a smile as I mustered up the courage to hug her.
"It's really great to meet all of you too and I'm just happy that I am able to be with you and Lukey here," she said with a huge smile as she held onto Luke's arm.
"It's so exciting having all of my favorite people in one place," he said looking all around us. "I made reservations for all of us at this restaurant tonight so we can talk and just have a good time," he said and I had to suppress my urge to vomit.
A few hours later and we're all sitting at a big table talking and laughing. Luke and Catherine are telling the story of how they met and honestly it was cute no matter how much I hate to admit that. Luke was so happy with her and it made me happy. Clearly I would never be able to make him that happy, yes whenever we are able to be together we were happy but a different kind of happy. He deserves to be with someone who he can share the same feelings and love for.
As we were eating and talking I felt someone gently kick my foot and I looked up to meet Luke's eyes for split second before he turned away to and so we began our regular game of footsies, just a little gesture to keep touching.
And that's when I knew I would always have a little bit of his heart, forever.
***
lol lame I know but for some reason I like it, idk
Love you