"Yeah...they said nothing's definite but it's a chance...yeah I know, mum...no, I'm okay, really...yes, I'll see you in Dublin, mum...I love you too, alright, bye" I hear Niall huff and a click of his phone turning off
I knock then open the door seeing him sat on the edge of his bed head hands, elbows on his knees.
"You know, there's no use in knocking if you're just going to walk in anyway" he continues to look down
I chuckle nodding "you're probably right." I move a little closer into the room "are you okay?"
He sighs lazily lifting his head revealing his teary eyes "you know how I feel about that question."
I narrow my eyes at him. He huffs "I'm fine, Louis."
"You know how I feel about that answer" I smirk
He lets out an exasperated laugh "I just had to tell my mother and step-father that I'm dying, and now I have to call my dad and brother and also tell them I am dying. So to answer your question, no, no I'm not okay."
My heart hurts for the lad in front of me. This isn't right. This shouldn't be happening to anyone so young let alone to someone like Niall. "I'm sorry" I tell him almost in a whisper unsure of how to console the boy
"It's fine" He shakes his head trying to rub the tears out of his eyes "did you need something?" He asks his tone much softer now
"Oh yeah, we have to leave for the stadium now." I tell him just remembering why I came up here in the first place
He nods "alright" he goes to pick up his duffle bag
"But we can wait if you want to talk to your dad and greg first?" I tell him
He shakes his head "This is suppose to be a good day. First day of tour. I'm Not going to let cancer ruin that...not today"
I nod "alright, lets go mate"
We go downstairs where Daniel Paul and the lads are all waiting for us with their own duffle bags
"We ready?" Paul checks with us
I look over my shoulder to Niall and he nods silently. I turn back to Paul and nod "yeah"
~
We head out to the van and once we're all settled we make our way to the O2. We've played the O2 plenty of times before but every time we come here it's still shocking to think that just us five lads and a band could fill the entire arena.
We head into the arena and make our way around greeting our crew. It's so nice to see all their familiar faces it's like coming home and seeing family again.
"Alright lads, head to Lou and Caroline. You have a few interviews to do before the show" Paul tells us
We walk into the dressing room "Niall" I look up hearing my name.
"Hey Lou" I smile hugging her. We haven't seen her since the promo tour for this album and it's good to have her back
"How are you feeling?" She asks looking at me seriously
"Oh I'm fine. We changed my chemo schedule slightly so I'm not having it until after the show tonight." I explain to her
"Oh well that's good. Why the sudden change?" She questions
I shrug "I just wanted one last good show before I can't do this anymore."
"Don't talk like that, Ni, You'll be doing this for a long time." Lou tries to tell me
I just smile weakly not really having the heart to tell her differently. She knows how bad my condition is, everyone does but they all seam to be clinging to that 5% much more than they should be
A few hours and multiple interviews later we're about half an hour from show time and everything on set and ready for tonight. We can hear the rumbling now of thousands of fans filling the arena and screaming in excitement.
I sit on a tan couch in our dressing room, as the boys talk around me, scrolling through Twitter seeing tweets roll in by the hundreds about the show.
A bag bangs down on the coffee table in front of me making me jump. I look up form my phone seeing Daniel and his med bag.
"For real?" I grumble at him knowing what he wants
"Yep! The rules from last tour still apply and I'm going to be even more strict with them this tour" he sits down on the table rifling through his bag
"You know I'm really starting to dislike you, Daniel" I tell him only half joking
He laughs audibly "You can dislike me all you want but it's not going to stop me from from doing my job."
I laugh half heartedly "fine" I pull my shirt off knowing the drill
"Alright lads lets go you've got ten minutes!" Our stage manager tells us
Daniel finishes up with me "okay, you seem alright, but you better take it easy tonight" Daniel tells me sternly
"Yeah okay" I agree to appease him then follow everyone out of the room and to behind stage
I forgot how hectic show days are. We're very rarely in one place for more than an hour and I use to not like it but right now I love it. Gives me no time to think about anything other than the show and currently I love that.
Our stage manager hooks up all our in-ears and wires my mic through my shirt checking them all confirming they are working and ready to go.
"Five minutes!" Someone shouts over the increasingly loud crowd
"Cmon lads" We're pushed into the lift as the intro VT starts to play
"How are you feeling, Niall?" Harry asks next to me in the lift
I roll my eyes "I'm fine." Why can't we just forget about fatal illnesses for one day
The VT starts rolling and there's a moment when the arena is completely dark and the only sound is the fans cheers.
"Hey Angel" Harry sings there's a pause then the lift opens, the music comes in and the sights turn on.
"Do you know the reasons why we look up to sky?" Harry signs
Its amazing. The adrenaline coursing through me is a feeling I missed so much. It's odd that standing up on this stage playing guitar in front of thousands of screaming fans, I feel more normal than I have in months.
"O2 Arena! Welcome to the Aftermath Tour!" I smile looking out at the sea of people taking it all in. It's painful to think about not doing this forever, that this really could be the final time I perform feeling okay.
At one point the over whelming thoughts become too much and I actually find myself holding back tears as we sing. It's all so overwhelming.
The boys had to practically drag me off the stage once our final song finished. I didn't want to leave this moment knowing as soon as the lift doors closed I'd be thrust back into reality.
"We've been One Direction! Thank you!" I look out into the sea of people until the doors bloom my view completely
I sigh leaning back against the side of the lift as it moves down. Listening to the deafening screams of the fans slowly fade away.
"Well done lads! That's how you kick off a tour!" Paul tells us smiling proudly. It was great. The fans were incredible, the band played perfect, the set was just right and my lungs were less shitty than usual
"Thanks Pauly!"
"Cmon we got to get to the bus and on the road before the traffic picks up" he ushers us through the back doors and into the brand new buss. I don't really understand way management insists on us having a new bus every tour, there was nothing wrong with the last one.
The interior of this one though I have to admit is awesome. It's all red furniture and the walls and carpeting black. The bunk area though is all completely black, except for our red bedding, with no windows keeping it dark.
I sit down on the large wrap around couch as soon as we walk in, exhaustion from the show hitting me like a truck. I glance over at Louis cradling his braced arm popping pain pills into his mouth. Bad metaphor
"Lou, are you okay?" I ask him breathing heavily my chest burning
He nods, visibly biting the inside of his cheek. "Just moved it too much tonight"
I nod and look down at my phone
New Message
Annabella: Hope the show went well tonight! I miss you💕
I was about to respond to her when Daniel says my name.
"Yeah?" I look up at him sat across from me on the other side of the couch
"We need to talk about Chemo." He tells me
I sigh. I really didn't want to talk about it seams like we've already beaten the topic to death "'Kay" Liam places a hand on my shoulder giving it a comforting squeeze.
"I was hoping to start the chemo at ten tomorrow morning. That'll get you finished by twelve and then it'll be seven hours until the show and as you remember it takes nine for the side effects to kick in so hopefully that'll be long enough to get you through the show feeling okay but also be able to rest before hand." Daniel explains
I nod thinking over his words. "Yeah, that makes sense."
"And the good part is since we're not going far we'll be in a hotel tonight and tomorrow for the better part of the day so you can be more comfortable." He tries to lighten the heavy mood in the bus. Going into this last time we were all so ni eave and didn't know how terrible chemo is, but this time we're all fully aware and it's terrifying.
"Listen this time around, I need you to be completely honest about any symptoms you experience at all. We don't know how this clinical trial drug will effect you and I just need you to be extremely aware of anything you may feel. Even if you think it's minor, tell me. Alright?" Daniel tells me seriously
"Alright, I understand" I answer just wanting the conversation to be over
"Okay, good"
We arrive at the hotel a little while later and we all go up to our separate rooms. I think the boys stayed up late though and played video games or something but I went straight to bed exhausted from the show.
The next morning I wake up feeling like there's a brick in my stomach. All I can think about is chemo.
I pick up my phone and check the time. 9:27am
Daniel would be here at any moment. "Great" I mumble and stumble out of the hotel bed and into the bathroom, deciding I should shower now while I still have the energy to move.
Taking a shower with staples and stitches in you is challenging. They can't get wet. In the words of Daniel 'It's extremely important that they do not get wet' he gave a half an hour lecture about why they couldn't get wet but I honestly didn't care enough to listen.
Daniel gave me this medical wrap that's basically the equivalent to the plastic wrap you put over your left over diner before you put it into the refrigerator. I have to wrap it around almost my entire chest while I'm in the shower then, when I get out, to wash my chest I have to carefully wash around the staples and stitches with soap and a wash rag. To say it's a process, would be an understatement.
*Knock Knock*
I hear banging on my door when I'm only half dressed. "Damn it" I mumble pulling on a pair of comfortable shorts and going to answer the door.
"Are we interrupting?" Louis smirks down at my half naked body, when I open the door revealing all the boys, Paul and Daniel
I glare at him rolling my eyes "Just come in"
"Have you eaten yet?" Liam asks as I close the hotel door behind them all
I shake my head "No,why?"
"Good, I ordered a lot of room service" he grins happily as I laugh at his excitement
"That's good actually you need to eat before the chemo" Daniel says setting up all his equipment in the living room while we're all in the kitchen around the breakfast bar.
"Yeah so I can throw it all up in a couple hours" I mumble sighing
"Niall.." Harry sighs
"Right, sorry, I forgot we're living in denial." I shake my head
"Niall, that's not-" Liam's cut off by room service knocking at the door
"I'll get it" I get up and let the room service in. After laying out all the food I tip them and they leave. The boys Paul and Daniel make light conversation as they eat but I just focus on the food on my plate.
"Niall, you ready?" Daniel breaks me from my wondering thoughts
I sigh looking down at my empty plate "yeah I guess" I stand up and follow him into the living room
I sit down on the couch next to where he has the IV set up. "So does this already have the trial dug in it?" Liam asks pointing to the IV
"No, ill inject that into the IV separately" Daniel explains "do you need anything or have any questions before we start, Niall?" Daniel turns to me
"No" I shake my head
"Alright, I assume you remember how this works?"
I nod remembering last time clearly "yeah"
He nods and positions the IV needing a little below my collarbone on my bare chest. "Slight pinch" I turn my head away and in take a sharp breath as the needle pierces my skin
"That's always a lie" huff breathing out a sigh of relief that that part is over
He chuckles attaching the clear tube to the needle then taping it to my chest "sorry about that. Alright now the trial drug" he fills a syringe with a bronze colored liquid
"What time is it?" He asks arching the needle to the IV line
"Ah 10:04. Why?" Harry tells him
He pushes the plunger injecting the liquid into my system. "I have to record what time the drug is administered for the trial" he explains writing it down in the same black book he always writes down my vitals and whatnot in.
"Here you go mate," he hands me a blanket and the Telly remote "you've got two hours alright?"
I nod "thanks"
"I have to go pack up, but I'll be back in half an hour or so, text me if you need me" Daniel tells us and leaves us sat in front of the TV with each other
The effects of the chemo don't take they're time setting in. Within twenty minutes I find myself feeling fatigued and feverish. I groan turn into the pillows on the couch exhausted.
"You okay, Ni?" Louis asks me
I nod "'m fine. Just the usual, tired and cold"
"Go ahead and rest, mate. We'll wake you when you're finished" Liam assures me
"Alright, thanks" right when I'm about to give in to my heavy eyelids the door opens and I hear a women's voice
I open my eyes sitting up slightly. Daniel walks over to us with a blonde woman next to him seaming to be in her mid thirties.
"What's going on Daniel? You can't just bring random people into the lads hotel room" Paul tells Daniel sternly
"I know. This isn't a 'random person' management knows she's here." Daniel walks over with the lady closer to us. I sit up straight furrowing my brows. What the hell is going on?
"Lads this is Dr. Ashley McGee, she's an Oncology Social Worker Modest! hired to be on tour with you all" Daniel explains to us slowly
"Just call me Ashley, I'm sorry lads I assumed you knew I was coming." She tells us speaking kindly
"Yeah management tends to keep things from us a lot." Louis glares at the woman skeptically
"Well, Ashley is a therapist who specializes in cancer patien-"
"Yeah I know what an Oncology Social Worker is, Annie is one, and I don't need one." I say in a harsh tone. Who do Daniel and Modest! think they are forcing this on me!?
"Niall, she's not just here for you. She's here to help all of you-"
"Us!? We don't need a therapist!" Louis retorts
"You haven't stopped blaming yourself since Niall was diagnosed, You" he points to Liam "had a panic attack last week while Niall was in the hospital, You" he points to Harry "haven't had a proper nights sleep in months and You" he points to me "haven't been right at all since we found this second tumor! Look, there's nothing wrong with having someone to talk to. And that's all Ashley is here for. She's not going to force you guys to do anything, she's only here to talk to when you want to on your terms"
"Maybe, it's not a bad idea" Liam shrugs
"What!?" Louis practically shouts
"I'm just saying it's not the worst idea Modest! has had. And Daniel's right we're not all coping well. And Louis you were the one encouraging Niall to go to a therapist!" Liam says
I guess he has a point. "Well yeah. But that's a decision he should have come to on his own not have it forced on him!" Louis defends
"It's not something you need to all fight over now." Daniel butts in "I just wanted you all to meet her before she just showed up at the show tonight."
"Lads, like Daniel said I'm not forcing you into anything, I don't want that. I'm only here to listen if you want me to." Ashley said a look of guilt on her face
"Let's just not do this now, I'm exhausted" I shake my head lying back down
Harry nods in agreement "lets talk about this later"
Let's face it there's nothing to 'talk' about. If Modest! hired this woman to 'fix' us or whatever, they're not going to listen to a word we have to say. It's just another way people are trying to 'fix' me. You can't fix dying.
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