It was a Friday night and I was stuck at home doing nothing. I managed to stay away for Miss Collins the whole week, which was so damn hard. But at least I still got to see her.
She made it clear that she wanted nothing to do with me. Even in class she would ignore me, but I took advantage of it, because I was still her student and she couldn't ignore me when asking questions in class. Although her expressions held no emotions when directing to me.
Which hurt.
I am still not sure as to why it had to be her.
Out of all the girls, it had to be her.
The only woman to make my heart beat quicken or make my knees weak when around her, or make my head start spinning and every word that comes out of my mouth makes absolutely no sense, which never happened to me before.
That damn woman has made me change. But I'm still the Aubrey that doesn't give a shit when needed because I can't be vulnerable around anyone. Except her. Just when I'm around her, I feel different and not myself.
I stare at my wall in my room and listen to music. I have no plans, no friends, no life. Toby is out with his family for the weekend and I'm stuck here alone.
I got a letter in the mall today stating my court trial against Sasha, which is scheduled for next Wednesday. Yay! Not.
I tried texting her and calling her to try and communicate with her so we wouldn't have to go through this, but she ignored my calls and texts.
If the bitch didn't spread rumors about us, then I wouldn't have overreacted. I do admit, choking her was uncalled for, but I lost it and that's what scares me when it comes to my anger. It gets out of hand sometimes, and I can't stop. I never killed anyone, but I was hurting people and giving them bruises or scars.
My grandparents nor my brother likes that about me, but it's just who I am. I'm more stronger than I was before, and I can easily defend myself when needed. I just wish I was this way when I met Harvey.
I push that thought out my brain and turn to the next song.
Why must I feel this way towards her? Why? I met her a little over a week ago, and I'm feeling things that I shouldn't! Not because she's my teacher, not because she's older, not because this is illegal and dangerous. But because I have a fucked up life, so what makes this woman so damn special to come into my life and mess with my heart?
I get up and walk out of my room, and make my way down the stairs. I see Shane sitting at the table in the kitchen on his laptop. Probably looking over his college shit or something. I shout out that I'm going for a walk, and grab my jacket then leave the house.
It's a little chilly out tonight, which no sense because it's Florida.
I pull my jacket over me and walk down the driveway. There's some kids playing out in the street, and there's street lights so it's sort of safe. It's not dark yet, but the sun is setting.
I make my way to the mailbox and that boy from the other day, comes over to me on his bike, "Hey again," he smiles his cute crooked smile and I can't help but smile back, "Hey bud, what are you doing out late? Shouldn't it be your bath time or something?" He laughs and shakes his head, "Nope," popping the 'p'. He looks over across the street then back at me, "Have you talked to that lady that is your teacher?" he motions at the house.
I look over and see the porch light on and sigh, then look back at him, "No. We're sort of not talking. Something personally. Hey, by the way, how old are you?"
He climbs off his bike and holds the handlebar, "I'm eleven," wow this kid wasn't that young. His voice was still high, so he hasn't hit puberty yet. He nods his head towards me, "How old are you?"
"I'm eighteen," I shrug then watch him nod.
He looks over at Miss Collins' house, "How old is your teacher?" I sigh and look at him as he turns his attention back to me, "She is twenty-five." His eyes widen and he looks back at the house, "No shit?"
"Hey!" He turns his attention back to me and smirks, "What? Are you going to tell on me?" I look this kid over. He was a smart ass for one, I had to give him that. I shook my head and he smiled, "Good. Now tell me about your teacher problems." I shook my head again and he cocked his head to the side, "I know you and her have problems, I can see it when you speak about her. That day you told me she was your teacher and you needed to find out why she's over there, I heard a change in your voice which led me to believe that you and her share problems."
I felt my mouth hang open. This kid was smart as hell and he was only eleven? What the hell?
I sighed and shook my head, "It's too complicated.. and weird, plus it'll take all night." He gave me a cheeky smile, "I have all night. You can come back to my house and tell me, my moms won't mind."
Woah, back up.
"Moms?" He nodded, "Yeah, I have two moms, they're really cool. You'll love them and they'll love you. Come on!" He got back on his bike and patted his handlebars and smiled at me. I rolled my eyes and got on, while making sure I was balanced. He took off and we rode down the road a few houses down before we came to a stop in front of one and made our way up the driveway and into a garage.
I was nervous. One, a little boy was bringing me into his home, and two, I don't even know his name.
I got off the bike and looked at him as he got off and put the kickstand down, "What's your name?" He looked at me and smiled, "Taylor." I smiled, "That's a cool name. I never met a boy whose name was Taylor." He gave me a look, "I'm not a boy."
I nearly choked on my spit.
"I'm a girl." She smiled and took her helmet off and that's when her golden curls bounced out and flowed just above her shoulders. I was shocked because I never knew this little kid was a girl because she always had her helmet on when I saw her. Her facial features were so boyish, but she was cute.
She walked up to the door and opened it then yelled, "Mom, momma! I'm home!" I made my way in and shut the door behind me. I followed her into the living room and saw two women sitting on the couch, one had her laptop out, and the other was reading a book. They both looked over and smiled, "Hello darling, are you hungry?"
I made my presence known by stepping into the living room a little more. They both looked at me and immediately stood up and made their way to Taylor, "We didn't know you were bringing a friend over," the blonde haired one said. She looked at me and smiled then held her hand out, "My name is Tonia, and this is my wife Crystal," I shook her hand and smiled at them, "I'm Aubrey," They smiled and Crystal then spoke, "Would you like something to eat or drink?" Before I said anything, Taylor interrupted, "Actually mom, we're going up to my room, Aubrey and I have something to discuss."
Her moms nodded and Taylor grabbed my wrist and took me upstairs to her room. We walked down a hall and she opened a door to our left and walked in. She shut the door as soon as we got in and I looked around. It looked like a decent room, huge. I noticed that she had a walk-in closet and her own bathroom. She walked over to her bed and sat down criss-cross, then she looked at me and patted the space in front of her.
I walked to her and sat on the bed in front of her. She looked at me and smiled, "Ok, so tell me everything."
Oh boy.
It was about an hour in a half later when I finished telling her about Miss Collins and I. She was all ears when she was listening, I could tell that she was interested, which was good because I didn't need an eleven year old to judge my life.
I took a deep breath and sat there watching her for a minute before she spoke, "You have a very complicated life, Aubrey."
I nodded and sighed, "Yeah, and it's getting more complicated because of some obstacles that are in the way." She nodded, "I understand that you don't want to talk about it, and that's totally fine." I smiled at her and studied her. This eleven year old girl, who I just met a few days ago, now knows of my weird relationship with my teacher. Although I didn't tell her anything about my past or Miss Collins', she still understood everything.
"How come your moms didn't freak out when you brought me into your home? I mean, I'm basically a stranger and you just barged into the house with me." She laughed and shook her head, "My mom, Tonia, she's my real mom, she loves all people because she's a therapist."
I gave a confused, "What does that have to do with trusting a stranger?"
She sighed, "Well.. She's dealt with a lot of people, traumatized by events in their life that they can't seem to overcome. My mom says that so many people has so many problems, and we can't judge them from the outside, even if they don't look trustworthy, because we don't know what they're dealing with on the inside."
I shook my head, "That's amazing."
She nodded, "Yeah, it's pretty cool to sit and listen to her stories from her experience with her patients."
I smiled, "I want to meet her." She laughed, "You kind of did already." I shook my head, "For real though. I want to hear some of those stories." I smiled and she didn't say anything else but just nodded as I followed her out of the room and down the stairs. Her moms were in the kitchen cooking, and when we walked in, Crystal smiled, "Oh, good, you're done discussing. Want some dinner?" She was addressing to me as she looked at me. I smiled and nodded, then she smiled and made a plate and motioned for me to sit at the table.
I sat down with Taylor next to me, and Crystal and Tonia sat across from us. This gave me enough time to study them; they looked like any other happy couple who has been together for years. Crystal had red hair, while Tonia had blonde curls similar to Taylor. I could tell that Taylor was Tonia's daughter. They had similar face structures and their smile was the same, as well as their green eyes.
Tonia glanced at me and smiled, "So tell me, Aubrey. How did you meet Taylor?" I smiled at her, "I met her a few days ago when she was out riding her bike." She smiled and looked over at her daughter, "Yeah, she mistook me for a boy." Crystal almost spit her drink out which earned a laugh from Taylor and a giggle from me. Tonia helped her by giving her a pat on the back, then she looked over at me, "Taylor has always looked like a boy, even when she was born. I remember the doctors confusing her as a boy when she was born, but soon corrected their selves when noticing that there was not a ding dong in between her legs." She smiled and I laughed as I looked at Taylor.
"Mom!" Taylor whined and put her face down. Her mom giggled, "But she's still very beautiful." She smiled at her daughter and I smiled also.
Taylors face became red. I looked at Tonia, "Taylor told me that you were a therapist" Tonia smiled and nodded, "Yes, I've been a therapist for eleven years" I smiled, "That's amazing. Taylor said that you had some interesting stories from your patients."
She nods her head, "Yes. Well, as a therapist, I tend to have to listen carefully and understand the patients stories and help them through it. Some are not so bad, while others tend to be hard to hear"
I bit the inside of my cheek. I start thinking back to when I was seven years old; eleven years ago.
My parents had gotten a divorce sometime that year, and left Shane and I at our grandparents. My grandparents were so worried about it traumatizing me at an early ago from having to deal with my mom and dads divorce, that they scheduled an appointment for me with someone called a therapist.
As a seven year old, I knew many things, but that word did not make sense to me. My grandparents described it as a friendly visit with someone who is going to help me understand what our family is going through. I understood but didn't like the idea, but they said that it will be ok.
The building we entered was different from the rest and it was old. We made our way inside and my grandparents took me to a room; it had big windows lined up on one side, bookshelves on the far left wall, and a couch.
There was a lady who spoke with my grandparents and greeted me with kind eyes. After my grandparents left me in there with this woman, she smiled and took my hand to lead me to the couch.
"Hello Aubrey, you may lay down or sit on that couch if you like." I slowly sat on the couch and looked at her as she smiled at me.
"My name is Miss Jones, and I am here to listen to you and hopefully be your friend." She smiled, "I will listen and I will not interrupt." She smiled as I studied her. Even as a seven year old, I was very familiar with people and studying them. I like to know how a person acts by studying them long enough to know about their outside appearance.
I told her about my parents divorce and them leaving my brother and I. She was nodding and writing everything I say down, at least I thought she was. She was probably just doodling and not paying attention.
Figures. Who would listen to a seven year old?
As I was done, she looked up from her notepad and smiled at me, "You're a very bright child Aubrey. Did you know that? Even with all this happening to you, you still manage to have a positive outlook." I nodded as her green eyes sparkled. "I would love to have a daughter like you." Her kind eyes now held sadness.
She moved the notebook aside and placed her hand on her stomach and looked down, "I have a child of my own." She smiled and rubbed her stomach. I was confused as to why she was touching her stomach in a soothing motion. She looked up at me, "I have a baby inside of me, and she's going to be here any day now." She then made a motion for me to come to her, and I obeyed.
As I stood in front of her, she took my hand and rubbed it on her stomach. It was big and I felt a lump. I looked up at her as she smiled at me, "I hope my baby is as smart and bright as you Aubrey. I would love for you and her to become friends." I smiled. Then she spoke, "I lost my first child, and I know you don't understand but I was heartbroken. But when I got news that I was having another one, I was so happy. I wanted to adopt if I couldn't have another one." She met my eyes, "I know that having to deal with this with your parents is hard for you, and I'm so sorry that you have to go through this, especially at a young age."
I looked at her stomach, "What's her name?" I patted her stomach.
She thought for a moment and shook her head, "I haven't thought of one yet." I made a thinking face and beamed at her, "Name her Taylor!" She laughed and looked down at her stomach while rubbing it, "Taylor.." She hummed, "I like that name." She looked at me, "I'll name her Taylor."
I smiled, "Me and her can be the bestest friends ever!"
She laughed and nodded, "You sure can. I would love to see you and her in the future, Aubrey. You'll grow up to be a beautiful, intelligent girl."
We hugged as my grandparents came to pick me up. I never forgot about Miss Jones, although I didn't get her first name, and I didn't know where she was.
I stared at the blonde woman across from me. Her green eyes sparkled when she looked at the people she loved. Her eyes then met mine, and I soon realized who she was.
Taylor looked at me then back at her mom, "Aubrey is having girl troubles." I was sucked out of my daze and looked at her then gave her a look, but before I could say anything, Tonia spoke, "Oh? You're a lesbian?" I looked at her and saw a smile on her face.
I nodded, "Yes ma'am."
She smiled, "How long have you been a lesbian, if you don't mind me asking?"
I smiled, "Since I was seven." I noticed a change in her eyes as she spoke, "That's a very young age."
I nodded, "I thought it was a phase at first, but I started realizing that I was attracted to girls when I had a best friend in third grade."
She nodded, "Taylor is attracted to boys, which is fine by me, but I told her that if I found out that she got pregnant-"
Taylor interrupted, "MOM!"
Crystal starting laughing and I smiled as I looked over at Taylor whose face was beet red now.
Tonia giggled, "I'm serious baby, I'm sorry that I had to embarrass you in front of your friend."
She sighed and looked at her mom, "When are you not embarrassing me?"
Tonia shrugged and I smiled at her. I now know this woman who sits across from me. She was the only one who listened to me when I was seven and going through that shit with my parents. Shane listened, but since he experienced it also, he always had a different perspective of it. My grandparents always said it was for the best, but was it really? For a seven and a twelve year old, was it for the best to have your parents leave each other and your brother and you at your grandparents house forever, and not once come to visit? Do they realize how many Christmas' we went through without them? Or how many Thanksgiving feasts or mother and fathers day? They're selfish people who only thought about their selves. They never once cared. Sure, we all went on family vacations, but was it really a vacation when all they did was argue?
They have no idea how fucked up they made my life. How unprotected I felt for eleven years. They never knew the shit I went through when I came out, or how I was raped unwillingly at the age of fourteen. They never showed an ounce of love after dumping me. They don't know how they made me feel after all these years.
Then there was Miss Collins. The only woman who came into my life and changed my way of thinking, and breathing. She was everything that I needed in a woman, and she was everything to me. Even if she didn't know it.
She was different. A good different. Miss Collins even told me that she was different and that I should just stay away from her, but I couldn't. She didn't know that I knew about her past, but that doesn't mean that I wouldn't stop myself from being with her. After being abandoned for years, I needed someone to feel protected, and with her, I felt that. But she keeps pushing me away, and when she does, I can't breathe and start thinking things that I shouldn't.
Tonia cleared her throat as I sat there in a daze, I met her eyes and she gave me a look, "Are you alright, Aubrey?"
I met her green eyes, the same ones eleven years ago.
I inhaled then exhaled, "What's your last name? I never got it." She smiled at me, "It's Jones. Since Crystal and I got married, I decided to keep my last name."
I nodded then asked, "I don't mean to intrude in your life, but was you married before?"
She nodded and smiled, "Yes. My husband and I separated when I was pregnant with Taylor."
"So, eleven years ago?" She nodded. "Why do you ask?"
I inhaled, "Do you remember me, Miss Jones?"
She gave me a look and studied me for a while, "I'm not sure what you mean, sweetheart."
I looked at Taylor who was giving me a weird look, but I ignored it and focused on Tonia. "Eleven years ago, you had an appointment with a seven year old girl. She was having problems dealing with her parents divorce."
She seemed to be thinking, then nodded, "Yes. I do remember her." She smiled, which made me smile. Crystal looked at her wife, who looked back at her, "This little girl, who I had at an appointment with eleven years ago, shared a story about her parents divorce, and things she was going through. This girl was the brightest thing ever, she was amazing honey. She made me happy by just being in her presence." She looked at Taylor, "She came up with your name."
Taylor raised an eyebrow, "Really? What was her name?" Tonia thought for a minute, "I can't seem to remember." Crystal smiled and took her wife's hand, then she looked at me, "How did you know about her?"
I met her green eyes and smiled, "Because.. I was that little girl." I smiled and held my hand out across the table, "My name is Aubrey Anderson."
Her eyes widen and she released her wife's hand and stood up, nearly knocking her chair over. She covered her mouth with both hands and tears were welling up in her eyes. "Oh my goodness."
She nearly ran around the table and as soon as I stood up, she embraced me in her arms and cried.
This cry was happiness. It was like she has been waiting for this moment eleven years, and finally seeing me, released all of her emotions out.
I hugged her back and smelled her scent, which was cinnamon. I usually don't like cinnamon, but this was an exception. This woman, even if she didn't know it, practically wanted to adopt me.
She pulled back and looked at me with tears streaming down her face. She smiled and wiped her eyes, "Now I see that little girl. You're so grown up!" She embraced me tighter and I laughed.
She pulled back, "I'm sorry. I'm just so happy to see you, Aubrey. You have no idea." I smiled at her and felt my heart explode with happiness.
Someone was actually happy to see me and be in my presence for once.
I heard Taylor stand up and I looked at her, "So she's the one who gave me my name?" She looked at her mom who smiled with tears still on her face. I smiled and held my hand out, "Nice to meet you again. The first time I did, you were inside there," I pointed at Tonia's stomach after Taylor shook my hand.
Tonia laughed and hugged me again, "I can't get enough of your hugs. God, I love this."
Taylor cleared her throat, "What about me? You love my hugs?" Tonia pulled back and smiled at her daughter, "Of course sweetie." She hugged her and I smiled. I looked over at Crystal who was cleaning the table off, "Let me help you." I said while picking up some plates. She smiled, "Thank you love."
After we washed the dishes, we sat in the living room.
Tonia was smiling at me the whole time, but I didn't mind. It felt good. "So Aubrey, you in high school?" I nodded, "My senior year." She pouted her lip, "My baby is growing up."
I smiled as she shook her head, "I'm sorry, it's just that you're like a daughter to me." I nodded.
"If you don't mind me asking, how are your parents?" I knew this would come up so I took a deep breath, "I haven't seen my parents in eleven years." She sighed, "I'm sorry, Aubrey." I shrugged. It wasn't a big deal anymore when it was brought up.
She laid her hand on my knee and I met her eyes, "I know it's rough, and I'm truly sorry for it." I nodded and looked down, "It's fine."
She moved her hand, "How's your life?"
Oh no. Not this. Anything but this.
I never cared about talking about my life, but since she's a professional therapist, who deals with this everyday, she might know something is off. I wasn't ready to tell her.
I swallowed the lump in my throat and faked a smile, "So far so good." I managed out and avoided her gaze.
"Aubrey." I looked up at her as she was staring at me. "Is it really?" I looked over at Taylor and Crystal, who was busy with their selves, and wasn't paying attention to us. But I couldn't risk anything.
I nodded as I looked back at her, "Yeah."
She studied me then sighed and looked at her wife and daughter then back at me, "Why don't we go to my office?"
I gave a confused look as she stood up and told them that we would be right back. I followed her down the hall and into a room. It had a desk, computer, and a chair.
She told me to sit at the chair while she was shutting the door, and making her way around the desk to sit down. She looked at me, "You can tell me, Aubrey. How's your life, really?"
I sat there fidgeting with my fingers until I looked up and met her concerned gaze. I sighed, "I guess it's not the best."
She nodded, "Are you still traumatized by your parents divorce?"
I shook my head immediately. This had nothing to do with them. It never did.
"Is it the girl problems?" I nodded and she leaned back, "Everyone goes through relationship problems. Nothing to stress over."
I shook my head, "It's way more complicated than that." She tilted her head a little, "How so? This girl is what, seventeen, eighteen? and you're the same age? You shouldn't be stressing over it so much right now, sweetheart. You need to focus on school. Is she in your class?" I nodded, "In one."
Before she spoke, I beat her to it, "I'm going to tell you. But... I don't know how you'll react. Since I've known you for a while, and you helped me. I want to trust you, and I think you'll help me with this." She nodded.
"The start of my senior year, I met this woman.. She was beautiful who happened to be my English teacher.." I stopped and inhaled, "I became attracted her and she to me. I spilled my feelings out to her, and she was ready to try us and see where it leads. Before I even talked to her, I started getting threat notes and she got one after she told me she wanted to try. Then she pushed me away and told me to not come near her anymore. I found out her past, which she doesn't know and she doesn't want anything to do with me."
I looked at Tonia to see her thinking and nodding, "I never dealt with this before, but it seems like something that can easily be turned around." I smiled then she shook her head, "This woman is your teacher?" I nodded, "She's twenty five." She sighed, "I think you should leave her alone, Aubrey. It's not good to get involved with her, because she's your teacher and it's illegal. I don't want to see you get hurt."
I shook my head, "That's the thing, I can't leave her alone." She furrowed her eyebrows, "Why not?"
I looked down, "Because she's the only one who sees through me."
"What do you mean, Aubrey?"
I look up, "I've had a messed up life. Since my parents divorce, to coming out, to..." I stopped and saw her look at me with a worried look. I exhaled, "I was.." I swallowed the lump in my throat, "raped when I was fourteen by this guy who used me. He acted like my friend and told me that he'd be there for me, but we went to a party and he kept making me drink and I felt funny and..."
I tried to hold in the tears, but it was too much this time. I cried while Tonia held me and told me how sorry she was, and that it was all over now. She was rocking me and trying to calm me down. But that's when my instincts kicked in and I violently pushed her back and saw her struggle not to fall.
I got up and stared at her, "I don't need anyone to baby me and tell me they're sorry and that it's alright. Because it is not alright! It never was when my parents abandoned me or when I got raped! It's not alright that I'm in love with my damn teacher that keeps playing with my heart! I'm not alright in the head and I never will be!"
I watched her expression change from worried to concern to terrified.
Let her be afraid of me. That's how I like it.
I took this opportunity and left. I didn't say goodbye, I just walked out and left.
I make my way to the front of my house and glance across the street to see Miss Collins sitting out on the porch, reading. I stand there and watch her from afar. Then, as in sensing someone was watching, she looks up. Although it's dark as hell, I could still see her from the porch light and know that her blue eyes are looking into my hazel ones.
I become hesitate as I walk across the street. Before even realizing that I was now at the steps of her porch and she's looking down at me. We stare at each other for a few moments before I realize that this is stupid so I turn around. Before I could get to the sidewalk, I hear her say, "Why'd you come over here if you're not going to talk?" I stopped and turned around to see her standing at the last step of the porch.
She's wearing a sweater that hangs off of her shoulder and leggings with boots, and I can't help but smile as my gaze meets hers. She has her eyebrow raised and her arms crossed. I shrugged, "I don't know. I was at a friends house and saw you sitting out here, and I thought I wanted to talk, but I changed my mind." She took a few steps towards me, and now she was off the steps.
Even though it was chilly, I was burning the hell up.
She looks down the street and sighs, "I'm sorry about the other day." She meets my gaze and I shrug. She runs her hand through her hair and looks elsewhere, "I realize that you no longer want to talk to me, and I completely understand." Before noticing, I was a foot in front of her. Her blue eyes now held nervousness, and her breathing was irregular.
Nice to know that I have that affect on her.
I smirked, the one I know that drives her crazy, and looked her up and down, "Nice outfit, Miss Collins." She swallowed then stuttered, "Y-you can call m-me Jennifer." I gave her a sideways smile and nodded, "Good to know."
She looked down and gently grabs my hand. My breath caught in my throat as she held my hand up and looked at it. I followed her gaze to see her hand holding mine. In an instant, flames are igniting inside my heart, the next I feel numbness.
I snatch my hand away and regret ever doing so. She gives me a confused look but I just shake my head and turn around.
I hear her yelling for me, but I ignore her. I can't deal with this shit. What the hell is wrong with me?
I walked across the street and made it inside my house with so much fucking problems, that I barely slept.