Fragments From Books That Don...

By tomlichtenberg

2.1K 371 87

a random collection of things insignificant of themselves More

Gorlock the Contented
We Are the Chameleon
Nydrigan Eats Rice
Morgan's Woke
Inside Jimbo's Dryer
The Way of the Fox
Facetime with Martha
Not My Wimple!
To Slope and Slip Knot
Those Darn Robots
It Logged In
The Big Book of Resentment
The Ten PSI
Flod the Vincible
Sasha Moshasha
Pencil Diversion
Church of the Blue Hat
Hot Nights at the Parking Lot Disco
Prisoner of the Spa
Cogito Ergo Hunchback
Phil's Tires & Such
Carmen's Atrocious Pillow
Highchair of Doom
The Beauty of Drab
Pickled Vermin Seed
The Sink at Night
The Conversation Killer
Graham Had a BMW
Interview with the Beirdo
The Bike at Night
The Day I Sold the World
Ona the Hater
The Spirit Guide's Guide to Spirit Guidance
Seriously? (and other stupid questions)
The False Flag Operator's Manual
Turtle Heads Abound
Patient #413
Live the Dream, Be the Dream
Be Your Own Fascist Dictator
The Tenth Iteration
The People in the Place with the Thing
Joe Trenchant and the Lady in Stripes
How to Be a Cult Leader
Henrietta and the All Beef Patties
Amy Loves SUVs
Bespooked
Chicken Training Beanie as a Snack
Old Snortleby
Homeless Pregnant Teenagers #6: Beach Party
Young Mister Metaphor's Inexplicable Explanations
Evening at the Drip Factory
The Whatnot Chronicles
Shoshana and the Shape-Shifting Sheep Shearer
Will Garen's "Man on the John": A Superset Jargon
My Sister, Poo-Face
Cancer Made Me (even more of) a Dick
Shirt Sniffer
Rufus and the Somewhat Clean Kitchen
Apocalypse After Lunch
The Family Dominatrix
The Pompous Tree
This Fence Is
Typed in the Head
Jared the Gumball
The Switch is On
Raising Your Eurasian
Sidewalk of the Rose
Pictures of People Who Just Got Laid
You and Your Stupid Dog
Creepy Russian Guy
The Fat Bearded Know-it-all
Mabel, the Nimble Dragonfly
The Groovy World of Dr. Stuff
Denialisticism: A Partial Guide
Seamy Sandwich
Breaking Change
Return to Wherever
User_0000000
My Grandfather's Girlfriend
Two Bags and a Box
Jimmy and the Fat Girl got Married
The Super Unsustainable Model
How To Turn Your Own Pet Peeves Into Potential Profits and More
The Man Who Didn't Know
The Accidental Misgenderer
Zaddux the Uninformed
Cheese Cop
X (22)
Fail Town, U.S.A.
Avoiding Sarah's Boyfriend
That Chemical Trigger Called Love
Johnny Junior, Breaker of Things
Gnostic Spray
Wednesdays with Humphrey
That Darn Mannikin
The Filling Station
Murder on a Trampoline
The Man Who Wasn't
Crosswalk of the Damned
My Favorite Dumpster
Metallic Bitch
Rico the Candy Boy
The Pringling of America
A Tumor in D Flat Minor
Oh No! It's Sergio!
Leafblower Tuesdays
Cookie Licker
Fractal Lemon Brainwash
I Had a Bad Pork Chop Once, in Shasta City
The Big Boo-Boo
6000 Chinese Flight Attendants
The Sunset Poacher
Not My Limo
When Joe Shot Marianne
Mint Chocolate Surveillance
Theology and Bitches
Scholar, Doer, Worshiper
Build Your Own Remote Modulating Boiler
Heroes of the Lost Files
Ten and a Half Reptoductive Phrases
My Brother's Whore
101 Ways to Copy & Paste
Mama Dont Tex Dis Fone
The Nude Eel
Tweet Liker: A True Story of Mystery and Intrigue
The Girl Who Would Rather Not Run Over Pedestrians
Meg Got Fleeced
The Different Soap (#129)
Mornings on the Rise (#130)

Fourteen Crackers

10 2 0
By tomlichtenberg

I wasn't too concerned at first. The noise had been growing steadily louder but it still wasn't loud enough to annoy the parakeets or even the mice. Or maybe it was only my wife who was bothered by it. She had exceptional hearing in the low range, and the creatures' murmur was so low I couldn't even hear it at all. Frankie said we needed to do something, but she didn't have any definite ideas. We asked the intelligent assistant for help but it said it wasn't able to do that, yet. Even after all these years. You would have thought they would have solved all the problems by now. Even the aroma didn't bother me though Frankie said they smelled real bad. We tried to describe the creatures' characteristics but the intelligent assistant came up with nothing. We ruled out aardvarks and voles, but were pretty sure there was a "v" in there somewhere. It felt like a thing with a "v" in it. On Mondays it was especially irritating, trailing off in that department by the end of the week. It may have been entirely in Frankie's head. I was never quite sure, but she was. One of the last things she said was "it might be a thing with a 'w' instead".

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