Chapter 23: Reflective
I finally heard news of Kizuo's arrest. I heard his wife died, his son was locked up, and Satoshi is permanently insane. What has this world came to?
The biggest tragedy was that my parents are gone. I miss them till this day. I wish I knew what they were like. I will always live with the regret of not knowing.
After I figured out my parents had both cheated on one another, I was completely turned off by them. I didn't want to associate with them if they were doing shit like this behind each other's backs.
I dyed my hair completely black now. I was planning to stay one week in Japan. I wanted to live my childhood, but I felt empty. My family isn't here anymore. What did I do wrong?
I made a decent amount of money, have a beautiful wife, and daughter. Yet my family is gone, and my brother ruined everything.
I went into a supermarket to see if they had Gokuri. This was my favorite drink as a kid. Mostly the grapefruit flavored one.
I saw a random employee, and tapped him. His stare caught me off guard. It was so intense.
It was a weird feeling I was having. He told me I reminded him of someone. I didn't know there was another me. There was no way he knew who Kizuo was. It would be a small world if he did.
I went into the hotel that day, and called my wife. She sounded sad on the line.
"I miss you Kazuo. How is Japan?" Her sweet calming voice was soothing to hear after being in this crisis.
"Japan is alright. I am missing my family. I miss you dear." I smiled sadly as I sat on the bed. "How is my rascal." I asked how my daughter was doing. My pride, and joy.
"She is taking a nap. We all will be waiting for you sweetheart."
"I will be back soon. Tell you more later."
"You know...you should visit your brother."
It was a strange request, but my wife knew best in times like this. It wouldn't hurt to visit, but I didn't want to visit at the same time. I was scared to see a vision of myself behind bars.
"I will." I didn't want to go against it. I will feel the ultimate guilt if Kizuo died, and I didn't have a chance to say one final thing to him.
I decided to go to bed for now, and visit in the morning. Who knew what events may occur then.
The next morning I was at the cell Kizuo was in. It took forever to track him down, but I managed. I chose to stay maybe one more week in Japan just because my gut told me to.
I waited in the prison. I was escorted to the cafeteria room where I saw other prisoners with their loved ones. It sadden me since I knew half these men were innocent. I sighed.
I looked down at my watch. It was 1:00 in the afternoon. I saw stares on me. I guess I looked pretty...different. I chose to come in here with a dress shirt, and dress pants. I was the only high class looking one here. I guess France really changed my fashion quite a bit. Maybe I should have toned it down. I guess in a bitter way, I wanted to show off to Kizuo what I have, and what he didn't.
I heard the doors open, and two officers, and one inmate walking towards me with cuffs on his wrists, and ankles. Silly man still has that ridiculous blonde hair. I couldn't help, but feel sorry for him. He's still living in a fantasy that he is me. It's sad. I wanted him to be himself for once.
He looks up shocked. He looked as if he was about to cry. It made me want to cry too. I haven't seen him in many years. It was so strange yet so fulfilling.
"Hey..Kazuo." It was weird addressing him as me, but I didn't want to disclose anything to the officers.
The officers let him sit, and handed him a paper, and pen. I was confused on why. They then walked away into the entrance leaving us to talk.
"My wife told me to visit you. I really didn't want to."
He starts writing on the paper. He slid me the paper. "I cut my tongue off."
My eyes enlarged with horrid as I stared at him. "Why?" I didn't want to believe it.
"I want to die." He wrote.
"Is there anyway to get out?" I asked.
"No." He wrote.
"Why did you kill people?"
He took a bit before he started writing. "Because I am sick in the head. The man that raped me fucked me up. Satoshi made me crazy."
"That boy I used to babysit?"
He nods.
"You could have seek help. You could have done anything. What does Satoshi have to do with this?" I was confused.
"I loved him dearly, and killed whoever got between us. I didn't think I would fall in love with someone who loved you first. I feel bad. I pretended." He wrote, and began crying.
I wanted to hug him, but at the same time, I wanted to hit him. He has done so much that made him be looked down upon.
"I don't know what to say. Killing our family is unforgivable." I felt that pain in my chest. It just wasn't right of him to do such an act.
He nods, and wrote "I'm sorry,"
"I am just here to say I forgive you. I don't care if you continue to use my name, but know you won't ever get a chance to be yourself. I didn't want to be a professor anymore. I wanted to do something different. I won't disclose that here. Even though I hate you, I forgive you for all the bad things you have done to me, and our family. I still love you since you are my only brother, but I can't help you at all. I choose not to."
He glares at me with tears in his eyes. I knew he wanted me to help him get out, but I refused. I knew once he was free, he would do something reckless again. This was the best place for him.
He wrote, "you won't help me? Why? You are my own flesh, and blood."
"That's what I'm afraid of. I'm sorry, but I won't do it. You used my name. Whoever got involved with you will call you Kazuo now, and that upsets me." I was really adamant. I didn't want to help him like this. He is always so manipulative that it sickens me. Who knew how many poor saps he has under his spell. He wasn't ugly, and he sure was smooth.
He began writing, and began shaking. "Please see Satoshi once. It is you that he loves. Please. Satoshi Fujiwara formally known as Satoshi Ishihara."
"Where is he? Why do I need to see him for?" I had no interest in meeting Satoshi again. If he is really in love with me, it wouldn't work out, and I would have to reject him anyway.
Kizuo wrote down an address on the corner of the paper, and tore it off to give to me. I took it, but I knew I was just going to dispose of it after the visit. Meeting Satoshi will only cause me issues in the end.
"I will see him. Take care." I stood up. I knew he didn't want to talk anymore. His stubbornness is making him angry that I won't help, but oh well.
It has been a week, and a half now being in Japan. I lied, and still had the paper Kizuo gave me. I didn't want to see Satoshi though.
I turned on the news, and saw the name of the guy I was suppose to meet. Satoshi was arrested too? Satoshi Fujiwara. I double checked the slip of paper in my hand, and confirmed it. This was the Satoshi I used to take care of. He looks so old now. Even older than me. He looked familiar.
I suddenly had a flashback of when I was in the supermarket. That wasn't that long ago. It was some time last week too! What the hell is going on?
I saw the same eyes Satoshi had when he was young. The only thing is now they are dull of color whereas back in the day they were full of life.
Will Satoshi hate me? I loved the kid, but once I moved, I had forgotten about him. I didn't even know he was searching for me, and loving me. I had no issues with another man loving me, but I didn't favor the idea of loving another man, let alone one that was that much younger than me.
I remembered we used to build stick houses together. I would tell him to do well in school, and find a girlfriend. I remembered I promise him that I will be with him. Those were just lines I said to any child to make them happy. I never thought any kid would take that stuff to heart.
I looked at the bed where a gift sat. I brought a gift for Kizuo even though I hated him. I didn't even know how I could face him at this point.
Kizuo killed our family off. I didn't cry. I didn't want to cry. My parents wouldn't want me to. I was really sad. Coming here was a mistake, but I learned the truth. Kazuo Sahara is hated by many in Japan. I can't be Kazuo anymore. At least not here.
Satoshi...I'm sorry. I forgot you like this. I forgot you so easily. You were just a page in the book that I past, and never went back to. Could he blame me? I had my life to do the things I wanted for myself.
A part of me wanted to know what Kizuo did to Satoshi. What did they do together to get in this tight situation? Did Satoshi really saw Kizuo as me? The fact that Satoshi couldn't differentiate us disappointed me. Even though we were identical twins, we were really different. The only outcome I could think of was that Kizuo was a really great actor, and that he fooled everyone even my parents. There is no way Kizuo lived his life as me.
Did Kizuo have a wife? Did he have kids? How many lovers? Did he see my parents as me? I had so many questions, but I didn't want all the answers. I didn't want to know what I potentially did to everyone. I meaning my fake self...Kizuo Kazuo whatever.
I got up, grabbed the gift, and headed for the prison.
To Be Continued