"She was always so strong, so full of laughter!" Annie says.
"Give her time she will be herself again." Her father reassures her.
"It's been over a month!" Her mother argues.
Camelia listened in silence as they whispered outside the living room where she stood watching out the large bay windows, at the vast backyard of their home.
A waterfall splashed soundlessly into the pond full of colorful fish and tadpoles. Birds chirped happily watching the sprinkler system spray the rich green grass, waiting eagerly for the cycle to finish to catch worms. Bees hovered over flowers sucking the sweet nectar from the center to take back to the hive. In the distance a pair of white Butterflies danced around one another playing a game of cat and mouse in the air.
A light breeze passes, swaying the trees, bushes and flowers.
Stefan, she cried, in the deepest part of her spirit and closed her eyes. Camelia's legs nearly buckled, leaning against the glass window in order to keep herself upright.
Every bone in her body ached as if she fought a small battle. As if the world hovered over her head and every tragedy was a heavy burden. Any joy she once felt vanished from her life, her entire existence.
She was miserable. She was angry. She grieved.
The hours passed into days, and the days passed into weeks, and the weeks into a month.
It was impossible to sleep that entire night. She either laid there eyes wide open staring at the wall reliving every detail or crying until she ran out of tears.
The very next morning, the door to Stefan's room remained closed. It was early when he rose listening as the door to his bedroom opened. He walked directly passed her door as she stood behind it holding her breath.
Waiting.
Hoping.
Praying.
But he passed her door like she didn't exist.
Only when she was sure he descended the stairs did she leave her room. She silently stood on the top step of the staircase, gazing down at his retreating back. The way he held himself, executing a raw power and confidence deserving his now polished image was dangerously attractive.
However, it would be the last glimpse she had of him. He didn't even bother to look back one last time. He never cared enough to say goodbye. Her heart screaming in agony as she listened to the front door shut almost soundlessly.
She cried because she died. Stefan took her heart with him when he deserted her. The crushing evidence of his final exit from her life came to surface once his replacement arrived. Liam. The man who was to be by her side and protect her from then on.
He planned it perfectly. It was obvious he never planned to stay.
A small part of her believed he would not be able to part from her. But if he truly loved her, he would have came back. He wouldn't have left to begin with. It was a sad fact knowing he never truly matched her effort nor could he ever.
The imbalance was as clear as day.
True, she pushed him away but a part of her hoped he would stubbornly stay and fight for her. Refusing to give up just because she asked him to. For someone who truly loved will always fight for what they want. God, did she hope. Hoping against hope that Stefan would appear after a few days, put his strong arms around her, and tell her it had all been a horrible mistake. A bad dream.
Her eyes ached for all the tears she'd shed after his departure. His absence was a central fact in Camelia's present life. Her spirit faded with the hopeless pain. Every night as she lay in bed, her sobs echoing into the darkness of her room and well passed the walls.
For the longest time she loved him, waited for him, and in her mind's eye no matter how aloof he had been in the past, ignoring her presence, before the lies–nothing compared, they appeared trivial after revisiting the events that followed.
However, she trusted him not to hurt her.
Trust held just as much weight as love, if not more so.
It was sacred. Once gone it's difficult to gain. It takes forever to repair and seconds to break. It caused doubts even when one was telling the truth. Honesty is a expensive gift that should never be given lightly.
Now that she knew the truth it was difficult to find comfort in it. It changed a lot of things.
He cheated and wasted the chance they had at a love that wasn't rained with lies and deceit. If only he had told her the truth. If only. It could have saved her months of anxiety over her building feelings for him as another. The turmoil running through her all this time could have been saved and replaced with tenderness, warmth, security and most of all love. All her suffering could have been prevented and she'd be in his arms now living her happily ever after.
Without honesty, love is unhappy and unstable. He chose. She was now living with his mistakes.
But she had kept crying for their unordinary love. Camelia gave him all the love she had to give. Gave him more than she could give. Everything she had inside to love. Who would have said a love like their's wouldn't last?
A week after Stefan's departure, Kivanç reappears into her life right in the nick of time. While away in Turkey, he usually never called but when she ignored his texts and emails for days he sensed something was wrong and called her. To her surprise he rushed to her side as soon as he heard the slight crack in her tone on the phone, struggling to stay strong. It was surprising to see him standing in her foyer, arms wide open waiting for her to rush into this warm, tender embrace.
He sweeps into her life unexpectedly to take over where Stefan left off.
Never did she reveal the threat against her during their conversations and the texting back and forth. But once she saw him, it was like a dam that broke free, crying her heart out as he held her, sagging against him in defeat and finally confessing about Nathan Diam.
Little known to Kivanç, it wasn't her safety, wasn't the fear, wasn't because of the loss of her freedom, but a man, who brutally ripped her heart out of her chest. A man, who single handedly destroyed her hope and innocence, leaving loss, anguish and pain in his wake. It was similar to how a baby feels when ripped out of the arms of it's mother.
Devastation. Emptiness. Sorrow.
You attract what you feel, her conscious reminds her. So much for feeling all the time, she thought. She wanted love, looking down at her hands–they were empty and cold. She visualized a love to surpass her dreams and she ended with nothing.
In the weeks that followed, Kivanç was a constant anchor in her life. But Camelia never allowed herself to get too attached to him. She was scared to feel anymore. One sided expectations nearly mentally destroyed her.
As ever he was kind, and gentle making small gestures and surprising her with flowers whenever he stopped by her house to have dinner with her. Her parents never said much. But the shock flittering across their faces said enough. The first time they had gone out they knew Gloriana was joining them which appeared innocent enough but they never knew she kept close contact with him for months afterwards.
Her parents learned of the argument. Of course Stefan called her father and informed him of his departure. Camelia eventually explained how she felt about Stefan for the longest time and her building feelings for him as Kent. They understood how upset she was because of all the lies.
Her relationship with her parents was slightly strained. It wasn't their fault entirely. Sure, she resented them too for aiding Stefan but he was responsible for carrying out the lie. He had the chance on several occasions to reveal himself.
She left out the taboo occurrence of their heated sexual encounter in her shower the night before he left. Despite the sadness within her a warm blush coated her cheeks. Memories of that night–his grouping, greedy hands touching every exposed layer of skin, the kisses he forced from her lips and the ones she gave freely, the feel of his erection grazing her hips, her buttocks...touching her in the secret sensitive place between her thighs.
Camelia bit her fist to keep the stirring of desire from accumulating to her center. She hated herself for how she let him touch her. Feeling ashamed and disgusted– the pain in her fist reminded her of how much it really hurt after he left. It took her weeks to be able to shower in her bathroom again. Every time she glanced at the shower she saw Stefan and herself in heated, uncontrollable passion.
The shredded piece of flimsy satin he ripped from her body stayed as evidence of their passionate make out session. She kept it and placed in the bottom drawer of her dresser. Instead of disposing of it like he disposed of her.
Perhaps, it was a reminder of her mistakes.
The only thing she knew was whenever Kivanç was around her, the tattered piece of satin was never far from her mind. It acted as a constant reminder and a thin, steel barrier between them. Yet, Kivanç was the distraction she needed to survive the days. He was the little ray of hope that kept her above the surface.
No matter how little she smiled back, no matter how far she kept her distance, he never stopped seeing her. Kivanç was not oblivious to her actions. She could tell from his eyes he knew something was different. It was more than the threat against her life, she sensed he knew she was battling a greater evil.
The unspoken words hung heavily in the air between them.
But he never tried invading her thoughts, never pried, always acting as if everything was good and well. His efforts to keep her spirits lifted made her grateful he was in her life. He made her laugh sometimes. His casual chit chats managed to make her feel normal and helped her forget her troubles. His presence was like adding soothing aloe Vera on a sunburn.
The days flew by faster.
The devotion in his eyes and the kindness in his ways made Camelia feel the tugging of guilt and remorse in her gut. How she wished he was the first one she fell in love with. He wouldn't hurt her or be dishonest. If it was from his different upbringing or cultural background she knew not but she gathered he was built from strong moral values, loyal, trustworthy man who wasn't complicated. Someone worth her time.
Pulled out of her thoughts and coming back to the present, Camelia heard soft footsteps approach her and she straightens, wrapping her arms around her waist. She glances back at her mother briefly, Annie's gaze held concern but no pity.
"You are a St. James, Camelia, and you were raised to be strong. When I look at you, I see a young lady who has given up. Your father and I are desperately worried for you."
"I'm well enough mother. Don't worry. I've accepted my life for what it is." She said in a emotionless tone.
Empty.
There was a time as a child she wished for a love just as genuine and full as her parents. Watching their union nourishes the soul and helps one to hope. They were the better part of each other. Their bond was strong and built on trust and a glorious passion one could only dream of. It was possibly the reason she was so obsessed with Stefan in the first place.
In hopes he was the one, the right one, who she was going to be in love with forever. But sometimes as her thoughts drift back, she wanted it so much that she created something that wasn't really real. By the chance of luck it worked and landed in place as if she hit a bull's eye.
"Stefan loved you the only way he could which was from afar. I may not have pointed it out nor made my observations known but I saw it in his eyes. He did what he had to, to keep you safe." Annie reasoned gently.
"I don't want to talk about it." Camelia says between clenched teeth with her back still turned.
He ended up loving her back but not enough to stay and fight for.
"Open your heart Camelia, don't turn cold and numb, it'll harden you."
It was cold. She was cold, wrapping her arms tighter around her middle as if it would ward off the chill. But it wasn't due to changing weather rather from the black hole growing inside her.
But as the saying goes, everything happens for a reason. She, unfortunately, had to live with the consequences.
"Heed my words well Camelia, whoever you love will hurt you. No one is perfect. It's called experience, people make mistakes. When a man loves a woman she becomes his weakness and in this situation he had to do what he could to keep you safe. The secret is to focus on the things he did right not wrong."
Camelia stayed silent as she listened trying to be reassured by her words. However, the doubts stayed.
"He could have fixed it all by staying and not leaving me when I needed him the most." She replied monotonously. "It's unfortunate actions speak louder than words."
Loving him wasn't the mistake but thinking he loved her just as much was.
She only hoped one day he'll realize he misses her when she's long gone. To feel the sadness and pain she had been feeling for the longest time. She hoped a hollow, lonely pit grew inside him and consumed him like it did her.
******
"So, that sexy blonde Adonis been treating you right?" Sammy asks, pampering Camelia to a pedicure and manicure as they sat in her room during the weekend. Gloriana was laying on the chaise in a silk robe with a face mask in place and cucumbers laid over her eyes.
"Yes, he has." She replies with a sigh, watching him while pop music blasted from his phone.
"He is so nice, Camelia. When I was away on a photo shoot in Turkey, I bumped into him on the street. To my surprise he offered to show me some of the sights Istanbul had to offer. Remember I texted you about that?"
"Yes, I do. He is a very polite and caring man." Camelia responds evenly trying not to sound emotionless.
"Good. You deserve it girlfriend. Like I always say, be with a man who ruins your lipstick not your mascara." Sammy mummers. He shook the red nail polish and unscrewed the cap placing her feet in his lap.
She missed a couple days of school after her meltdown. Sammy being the nosy person he was came to her house to check on her. When he heard the story his eyes nearly bulged out of their sockets as she recalled their conversation.
"Stefan Steel is Superman?"
She could only nod, trying to shut the memory of his face out of her mind.
"All the times he went to school–"
She nods again.
"All the times I flirted–"
"Yes."
"You sayin' Stefan Steel came to my Halloween party? Holy Jesus my blood pressure..." He started to fan himself with a magazine he finds on the table in front of the lounge chair in her room. "That hot beast of a man was no other than Stefan Steel the oil tycoon billionaire?!?"
She remembered him shrieking.
A tear had slipped down her cheek as she rocked back and forth like a mentally disturbed patient. Sammy stilled and eyes her with a remorseful look. When she lifted her eyes to his she broke down. All over again.
Sammy spent more time with her over the weeks offering his moral support. They watched movies, talked, did homework together and spent most of their free time between classes together too. He was never far. A person would to have to be blind not to see how lost and sunken her eyes looked. All Sammy could do was be there and offer moral support.
"Even your feet are just as cute as the rest of you. Lucky bitch!" Sammy announces when he was done giving her a pedicure while appraising her red hot toe nails. "I'm jealous as hell." He lifts his eyes to gauge her reaction and she rewards him with one of the warmest smiles he had ever seen on a human being. "I'm getting hungry again after the half dozen baklava I ate. Mona does such a fabulous job, I wanted to lick the plate dry. Where do ya girls want to go when we done?"
"How do you stay in such good shape when you're eating all the time?" Gloriana asks.
"It's a diet I recommend to everyone. I've lived by it for years...where I eat everything and pray for a miracle." He responds sassily. "Your skinny ass can afford eating a cookie. What do you models live on these days, water?"
The cucumbers slices laying over Gloriana's eyes slide from her face to only fall on her shoulders. Gloriana retrieves them to only chuck them at Sammy while she giggles.
"Men love the way I look, thank you very much! I'm on the hunt for someone like Kivanç. Every man I meet is such a loser." Gloriana sighs whimsically. "Camelia you are so lucky to snatch a guy like him."
"Stand in line, blondie. The most gorgeous men on this earth are either gay, married or dead." He looked at Camelia and gave her a wink. "When you done with that blonde Greek God, you go ahead and just let me know. Cause daaaaamn he delicious. Like vanilla flavored ice cream with extra sprinkles on top."
Gloriana scoffed. "What makes you think he'd swing that way? I saw him before you." She sneered. "Once she's through with him, he's mine."
"Calm your itty bitty tits, hoe! If I have to claw your eyes out I'm gonna do it. Look at you." He raises his head and looks down his nose at her. "Who'd want to chew on a bone when he can choose a warm, chocolate sprinkled donut instead?"
Gloriana appeared appalled. "You wish!" She managed to say.
Sammy looked like a black cat ready to pounce with sharp claws and all. Camelia could only watch with amusement. It's the most interesting conversation she'd even been apart of.
"I don't wish, honey! I make shit happen!"
"Guys, you're acting like immature kids. Just stop."
"He's already planning to steal your guy!" Gloriana argued, pointing a Acrylic finger nail in Sammy's face.
He swats her finger, ready to throw a nail file. "Didn't your mama ever teach you it's rude to point!" Sammy shifts his head and looks at Camelia. "Look at her girl, she's been scheming in that little brain of hers already and planning her honeymoon with your man!"
"Am not!" Gloriana turned red in the face, relaxing her stance and went back to rest against the chair once again. "You're just jealous."
"Sammy." Camelia's tone slightly reprimanding shifting her eyes towards her cousin. "Gloriana, that's enough. You guys are acting like I'm heading to the alter with the man. We're taking things very, very slow at this point. Let's just drop the subject please. I–I don't want to talk about about my personal life."
Both Sammy and Gloriana kept their gazes down at the note of sadness her tone took. They appeared ashamed of their foolish argument. Sammy knew why she was still so miserable. Gloriana only assumed it was about the threat against her life. Camelia never dared confide in her the finer, more personal details of what happened.
"Thank you Sammy for caring so much and being here for me. You too Glory. I couldn't make it without you guys." Camelia says after a few moments.
"Hey, what are girlfriends for right? Besides you're my best bitch to bitch about bitches with." Sammy laughs hysterically in a high pitch that was loud enough to shatter glass. "You know what they say: once you go black you don't go back!" He continues laughing so hard he was coughing.
Camelia playfully throws a small pillow in his face. "You are unbelievable." She shakes her head.
"We love you Camelia." Gloriana said, a half smile on her lips. "I'm going to wash off my face mask." Gloriana stands and bends down to give Camelia a quick squeeze before heading towards the bathroom. "I'll be right back."
Sammy watched his best friend's once pale face heat with a rosy blush as her white smile lightens her entire face.
The girl he wanted back was gone. That Camelia, lost a lot of her innocence along the way still maintained some of her innocence. She was still the same yet different. The girl who was always sheltered was drawn out by the cruelty of the world. The constant bombardment of betrayal, lies and deceit and fear were a bad combination to rise from but Sammy could not help but see how it transformed her into a maturer, more solid young woman.
She still struggled, yes but she was all the wiser.
"At least I got you to smile, girl!" Sammy says after Gloriana closes the bathroom door. "I know I'm not everyone's cup of tea, but it don't matter cause I like my coffee the way I like my men, black and super hot!"
The smile vanishes and her once merry filled eyes dart downwards.
Well damn, thought Sammy. Me and my big mouth! Damn Superman and his issues. What the hell was a brother like him doing letting his Louis Lane go? He continues his inner dialogue angrily as he eyes her droopy body and freshly manicured nails. In the end it was his loss not hers.
"I'm sorry girl, I didn't mean to say super. Has it been any better?" He asks cautiously, taking glance over his shoulder before turning back to her.
"I know you didn't. Some days are better then others. Time heals all wounds, remember?" She reminds him with a reassuring smile. "I hate waiting and sitting out while that lunatic is out and about waiting for me. I can't wait until everything goes back to the way it used to be."
"They haven't a single clue where that fücker is?" He asks starting to work on her fingernails.
"Every time they find a lead it ends up a dead end. He's constantly on the move from one place to another. The P.I's find little clues left behind but nothing valid. They found a pic of me once." Sammy looked up with eyebrows raised. "It was left on purpose, as if he's taunting us. The photo was taken while I was on campus. It gives me the creeps." She shudders. "He's out there watching, or whoever is working for him is, bidding their time for the right opportunity to strike." Camelia frowns. "How is this ever going to end if I'm constantly protected? I mean if we came up with a plan and placed me out in the open for him to make a move I'm sure it would help speed up the process. I'm so sick and tired of waiting. I'm desperate at this point. For God's sake it's been four months now!"
"You need to chill." He pauses and dabs the brush with more color before continuing. "That's the most insane idea I have ever heard! You offering yourself as bait ain't going to solve nothing!"
"Sammy I'm tired. I don't fear for my safety anymore. I don't care." She replies staring intently at the bottom drawer of her dresser.
"Sounds to me like you're giving up! That's what this motherfücker wants. Never. Give. Up." He encouraged.
Camelia glances away with a frustrating sigh. "I'm still breathing aren't I? I call that not giving up."
"I guess it's better than nothing." He begins collecting and putting away the nail polish and the file. "I'm done, here. Don't move or you'll smudge your polish. Sit there for a few minutes while I rummage through your wardrobe and pick out something for you to wear so we can go get a bite to eat before it gets dark." Sammy stands, heading towards her closet.
Seconds later she hears his exclamation. Camelia's heart leaps in her chest.
"What the fück is this? Oh my sweet Jesus! Camelia!"
She runs in panic and freezes at the threshold only to see him covering his eyes.
"What is it? What's wrong?" Camelia stops in her tracks, her eyes widening. "Sammy, I can explain. It's not what you think."
"How could you?" He wails. "Has our friendship meant nothing to you?!? Have I taught you nothing...?"
"Of course it does, your my best friend–"
"I can never erase what I've seen. Chanel would be rolling in her grave if she witnessed this!" He goes to pick up the wrinkled Chanel trench coat, holding it to his chest like a precious child. His knees hit the floor and looks up at the ceiling and cries out, "This is couture, Camelia. How could you?"
She had been neglecting her closet lately, examining her wardrobe. Clothing lay on the floor in a pile, her handbags at one time were perfectly aligned on shelves, now, scattered all round her closet on hooks and left carelessly on the floor.
"I can explain! You know I haven't been myself lately. I wasn't thinking! Don't be mad."
"Damn you, Superman. If it weren't for your fine ass she wouldn't have been so careless!" He continues as if he never heard her. "Look at this mess! Chanel on the floor, Versace strung on the doorknob, Valentino's mismatched together...Louis Vuitton barely hanging on the hanger." He shakes his head in shame. "Just leave me, I need time to cope with all this."
Sammy rocks back and forth as if he were soothing a distraught baby. The whole scene in front of her was almost laughable if she didn't know he was so serious.
Gloriana bursts into the closet by the adjacent door and witnesses Sammy mourning the trench in his arms. Her eyes widen, making eye contact with Camelia. She raises one hand close to her head, makes a circular motion while another finger is pointed at Sammy in a crazy sign.
"You know it's simple to get it ironed and pressed, right?" Gloriana says to his still turned back.
Sammy sends her glare over his shoulder. If looks could kill she'd be dead. "Why don't you go back into the bathroom, lean over the toilet and barf your insides." He snaps.
Camelia nudges Gloriana with her head and she turns to leave, closing the door behind her knowing very well his OCD has kicked in and he'd have her closet neat and tidy in no time.
It made her feel a little better she wasn't the only one with issues. If only her life was easy to clean up like her dressing room.
_________________________________________________________________
Thanks for reading!
What do you think of Kivanç's unexpected arrival? Why would Stefan stay away for all that time? Any theories? I'd love to hear them.
In the next update, Camelia overcomes a weakness. More encounters with Sammy coming up too. I've already started writing up the chapter...I have a feeling I may finish it before Friday! Would you all like that?
I hope to get this story high up on the romance hot list. Would you help me by commenting a voting?
Thank you!
-Shaz
Some words of wisdom....