A/N -- Get your snacks and get comfortable. You're gonna be here awhile. In the meantime, here's me after writing for the fifth night in a row:
Iris took in deep breaths, in and out. Today was the day. This morning, she was alone in her room. Kayde wasn't there. Hench wasn't there. Quietly, she pulled the Remordan black robe over her frame and tied the tassels in the front. A comb slicked through her hair next, and Iris twisted her locks into a braid at her back.
Everything was surreal. This could be her last day here. This would be her last day as Hench's trainee. For better or worse, things would change. Iris couldn't decide whether or not she was ready for that part. How bittersweet it was that training was finally over. Iris took another deep breath and slipped her boots on.
She stood. After a minute of collecting herself, she called out into the emptiness of her room. "Ready."
The door opened on cue. Two nameless guardians walked in, faces completely devoid of emotion. They checked her over without a word to make sure she had nothing with her but her robes. When she didn't, they moved to her sides and nodded at each other. The one to her right finally spoke. "Right this way, Miss Gwenneth."
One led her forward and the other walked behind her, escorting her to her guardian trials. As they walked through the empty halls, she could feel the nervousness building like a wall inside of her. The place, once again, looked completely vacant of anyone aside from the three that walked down the hall. It almost reminded her of her very first walk through these halls. All that could be heard were the thumping of their footsteps.
They led her down to the underground part of the sanctuary to a door that she'd never been in.
The one that had spoken earlier stepped up and opened it, and without delay, they all walked into a dark corridor. There were no windows there to let any sun in. The only source of light were small sconces on the walls, flickering near paintings of guardians that hung along the passage. Different faces stared forward, frozen in time with different eyes that didn't move. The poses were the same, and Iris wondered what these images meant. Every painting was of a guardian in their robes, holding the same medallion... looking the same direction. Under each painting, a golden name plate was inscribed with each person's full name along with a date. It was almost eerie here --like an old shrine.
Iris saw no one on the walls that she recognized.
"Welcome, Miss Gwenneth," began the one behind her into the disquiet, "to the honorary Hall of Guardians. You are standing in the West Hall."
"What is this place?" Iris whispered.
"If you pass your guardian trials today," the other man spoke. "Your painting will be added to one of these corridors with your full name and date of initiation." That was the only answer she got.
They kept walking, and Iris peeled her eyes from the paintings and just stared ahead. At the end of the corridor, a door was illuminated. Iris was relieved when they got to it. As soon as it was opened, she was led into a large room. Immediately she found it to look like a large Colosseum. It was a cavernous room with high ceilings. There was a big arena at the bottom, circular and flat. Up on the top layer of the room, all the guardians were seated, watching overhead on a sort of balcony.
She was brought forward, and her eyes immediately found Hench. Her mentor was alone in the middle of the arena, waiting in tall, buckled boots and a black, fitted tunic. Tattooed arms crossed over her front as usual. Hench met Iris's gaze, and the rogue just knew she must look terrified. Her mentor nodded at her.
Iris was halted five feet from Hench. The men left her side.
"Welcome, girl," her mentor said after a few seconds, and her voice echoed through the otherwise silent arena, "to your guardian trials. On this day, you will be administered three tests. All three tests have been selectively and personally designed to challenge your weaknesses, whether they be physical... or mental. To become a Remorda Guardian, you must pass all three tests. Failure to do so will result in the conclusion of your time here." Iris could tell that these were rehearsed words. "Surpassing all tests will result in you, Iris Gwenneth, taking your oath and by extension, taking your place among us."
Iris nodded.
"Let us begin," Hench said.
Iris balked inwardly at the quick start.
Hench called out to the room. "A Remorda Guardian is more than a soldier!" she said. "To be a soldier, one must be able to follow orders and execute named enemies. This is necessary for a guardian as well, to be true. But guardians are more than that. Combat prowess is not the only making of a Remorda Guardian! We are not just infantry... we are the judges of what is right and what is wrong. But sometimes, the feuds we are conscripted to handle are not so black and white. Sometimes, there are misunderstandings. Sometimes, the world is cast in shades of grey. And because of that, we must be able to make peace as often as we are able to end injustice." Hench looked to Iris. "Sometimes, we have to wait to find the right answer."
Hench paused. "This first test is a test of patience... but it is more than that. It is a test of peace --another thing a Remorda Guardian must have to face such a horrible world. In this trial, you will be left alone with yourself... with the darkest corner of your mind. You will sit in proper meditative stance and shut your eyes. You will think to yourself until you are told to stop."
Hench uncrossed her arms. "You will not be forewarned whatsoever on how long you will be sitting there. You will be left with no answers for me and no end in sight. You will be left with only you. If you move from your spot, open your eyes, ask questions, or speak at all... you will fail this trial," Hench warned her. "You are only allowed to raise your right hand if you must use the restroom. If that happens, keep it raised until you are placed over a bucket. Do not worry, you will be properly covered at all times."
Iris felt sick to her stomach. Hench was asking her to face the depression that had led her here in the first place. She was challenging Iris to be patient as well; she was forcing Iris to sit there without knowing when she'd be able to get up. This was the penance for all the questions she'd asked her mentor; she just knew it.
"Begin," Hench commanded.
Iris didn't hesitate. She dropped down to her stance and began what she hoped wouldn't be her descent into madness.
After the 1st hour of meditation:
Gods, its so quiet in here. Is everyone just sitting here watching me sit still and do nothing? Why isn't anyone talking? I'm so insufferably bored. How long have I been thinking here already? Has it been one hour? Two hours? Oh gods, what if its really only been twenty minutes? I can't think that way. But is twenty minutes really so bad if I just have to sit here for an hour? That would mean I'm nearly half done already. But what if I have to sit here for three hours? Four? No... Hench wouldn't be that cruel. Would she?
It's kind of funny. Bringing me to this big combat arena. You'd think with a place like this, I'd be doing something intense and back-breaking. Something adrenaline pumping. But no. I'm in this intricate Colosseum... and I get to just sit down and think. That's some entertainment for the other guardians, I bet. This is almost as fun as going outside to watch grass die! Gods in heaven. Maybe this is going to end soon. What if they're not even here anymore? They probably left already to carry about their day.
Oh, I hope they leave, actually. The only thing worse than them watching me sit here and think... oh gods, I hope I don't have to actually use the offered bucket in front of everyone. I don't care if they can't see my private areas, it's so damned quiet in here... what if I have to... no, I'm not even going to think about that in my head. That's so absolutely humiliating.
But what if I make faces? No, not thinking about that either. That's gods damned nasty, Iris. You should be ashamed of yourself. Be a lady. Think lady thoughts.
What quality fucking entertainment, though. I can just imagine them all sitting around watching that like they're watching a play or some shit.
Don't laugh at the visual you're getting. You're not supposed to be laughing.
Truthfully, nothing in the world is worth laughing at. Oh, but I want to. There's no reason for me to laugh and that makes me want to laugh even more. What would everyone think if I started laughing in the silence?
Stop smiling, Iris. You look like a fool.
Bite. Your. Cheeks. Bite them. Now.
After the 2nd hour of meditation:
86 bottles of mead on the shelf... 86 bottles of mead! Take one off, give it a toss.... 85 bottles of mead on the shelf...
85 bottles of mead on the shelf... 85 bottles of mead! Take one off, give it a toss.... 84 bottles of mead on the shelf...
84 bottles of mead on the shelf... 84 bottles of mead! Take one off, give it a toss.... 83 bottles of mead on the shelf...
83 bottles of mead on the shelf... 83 bottles of mead! Take one off, give it a toss.... 82 bottles of mead on the shelf...
82 bottles of mead on the shelf... 82 bottles of mead! Take one off, give it a toss.... 81 bottles of mead on the shelf...
......
After the 3rd hour of meditation:
I hate Hench. I hate her. I don't care, I hate her. This is cruel and unusual. How many times do I have to sing that stupid mead song? I get it, there's a lot of mead on the fucking shelf. Wish I could drink all this mead I've been singing about. I hate that I asked so many questions during our time together. I hate that I wasn't very patient. Here's your patience now, you bitch!
I shouldn't think that. I didn't really mean that. Wow, I'm a bad person. Hench loves me. She really does. She's just challenging me right now --she has to challenge me. She danced with me last night. She would never do that for any other guardian but me. She chose me. Why did she choose me? Gods, I have to do this and prove myself worthy. A guardian has to do what it takes. And this is my trial. Sit still. You can do this, Iris.
I choose her, too. I love her. I love this sanctuary. So I have to keep doing what I'm doing.
Only an unforeseeable amount of time left. Fuck me.
After the 4th hour of meditation:
Why is going back home so scary? Was it ever really bad there? Why was I not good enough for my first betrothed? Why did the entire village treat me like shit for so many years? It's like the gods want to prove to me that I'm worth nothing to them. It's like I'm shouting to the skies that I can be good enough. I worked so hard to make sure my dad had a life... and he's dead. What good was that? And now... do I want Zayn? He was the best thing that ever happened to me. He gave me everything. Why haven't I thought about him? Why didn't I ever miss him?
Gods, I'm such a damned traitor. I don't deserve to be a guardian. He's waiting at home for me, but I don't want to come home. My aunt is struggling at home. Right now, she has no one in this world but me. I'm not even there. I left her at her weakest point. She would have never done that to me. She would have encouraged me to get better.
I'm a terrible person.
I miss my dad. I miss my mom. I wonder if they're looking down at me. I wonder if they're proud. I hope they found my sister, and they're all sitting together as a family again. Maybe that's why the gods took my parents so early... because my sister needed them more than I did. I hope Cricket's happy. One day, when I die, I'll run with her. I'll talk to her like she always wanted me to.
I lost her journal. What kind of person am I? Maybe this trial is actually to show me that I was never meant to be a selfless guardian --to show me that I should quit while I'm ahead in this dark hole of self.
No. I have to keep going. For Hench.
Damn these tears. Damn these thoughts, I never want to think them again.
Stop crying. You look like a fool. Don't let them see you cry, Iris.
After the 5th hour of meditation:
I did everything I could to save my father. I spent years of my life caring for him. I stayed by my mother's side until the day she died. I loved my family. I'm going to pass these guardian trials if I have to die to do it, and I'm going to go avenge my sister. I am good enough for my family. I am good enough. I'm going to pass these trials and do right by this world. I'm going to go home and make sure my aunt knows that I love her. I wasn't born to fix people --I was born to love people.
I'm going to go home and see where life takes me. I will talk to Zayn. I will. Maybe this whole thing will pass.
No one is perfect. But I'm doing the best I can, and no matter what, I deserve to find happiness in my life. I'm not a traitor, I'm not a bad person... I am just a girl who is trying to be strong. I want to be a guardian. More than anything in the world. And that makes me good. I never had to come here. I'm torturing myself so that I might make a positive change in the world.
I can do this. I will do anything to be a protector. I've faced my demons, and I am at peace. Or I'm insane now. Hell, if I know.
Whatever the case, I feel good.
This is what Hench wanted all along.
I can sit here all damn night. Bring it on... bring it o--.
"Stop," came Hench's voice. Exactly six hours after Iris first sat down, she felt a large hand on her shoulder. The break in the silence was almost startling. It took Iris a minute to register that holy hell, she was done! Her eyes opened to find Hench squatted down in front of her looking mightily concerned. Iris took a deep breath. She didn't say anything immediately.
Hench helped hoist Iris to her feet, and the rogue stretched. She'd been sitting down for so long that it almost hurt for a moment to straighten her knees.
For a moment, all went quiet. Hench's booming voice came again, echoing throughout the room that surprisingly still held guardians up at the top. "Pass!"
Thunderous applause came, and finally, Iris came to her senses.
"Oh, I did it," Iris whispered to herself. Hench chuckled at it and clapped her trainee on the back.
"Take a thirty minute break, girl. Rest. Cook is bringing you something to eat," her mentor said. "After that, we'll do your second trial. Good luck."
----
Iris was as refreshed as she was going to be. She'd eaten a sandwich and gotten a chance to walk around a little bit. During her break, she didn't speak to either Hench or Kayde. In fact, she didn't even see them. Hench was likely setting up for her next trial and Kayde was no where to be found. Iris snorted. Maybe he'd gotten bored and left. Gods knew she'd have left if she hadn't been forced to just sit there.
Now, as she stood back in the middle of the arena, she noticed that there was a rope laying directly in the middle of the arena. A single, solitary rope with knots at the end of it. Iris had never looked at a rope as a frightening object until now. There was something oddly foreboding about the damned thing.
Everyone got settled back in their seats, and Hench entered the Colosseum again. She walked up until she was five feet from Iris.
Everyone was quiet again. Hench called out. "And so we begin the second trial!" Now, she looked at Iris. "This second trial is a test of your mind. Take notice of the rope in front of you." She let Iris get a good look at it. "Now, I want you to look up behind me." Iris did. Up at the top of a very high platform, there was a guardian sitting holding a bucket by the handle. He draped it over the edge, just enough to where Iris could get a good look at it.
"You cannot leave this arena in this trial. You cannot walk out any door." Hench instructed, cutting straight to the point. "Iris Gwenneth, I want you to get that rope into that bucket without leaving. You have an hour and a half to complete this task. Failure to do so will result in failure of this trial."
Iris took in a breath.
"Begin."
Iris grabbed the rope and looked up at the guardian. The man with the bucket was so far up. Was throwing it an option? She felt the weight of the rope in her hands. It was a good weight for throwing. The knots would make it easier. But could she throw it that high ? Iris tried it once, as hard as she could. It only got halfway up. Fucking hell.
Iris tried a few more times for good measure. It wasn't going to work that way. Gods damn it. She started looking around the area. There was a way to do it, and all she had to do was figure it out. From here, there were a couple areas she might could scale up and do it. Namely, a couple pillars that served as a foundation for the building. Iris remembered in the back of her mind when she'd gotten the arrow down from the post during the army camp. Ah, but she had nothing to stick in the beams for support like she'd had that night at the training base. And plus, the pillars that held the room up were made of stone.
Iris just stared up them. Honestly, she was a little afraid.
Gods, she was going to have to die doing this, wasn't she? Maybe she could climb the pillar a small ways and throw it when she was higher up. It wouldn't be perfect, but it would be better than chunking it from the floor.
Iris decided that she couldn't climb it too far, or she'd run the risk of falling to her death. She couldn't be a Remorda Guardian if she was dead. Gritting her teeth, she wrapped her arms around one of the pillars and began shimmying up. It took more time than she wanted it to --about ten minutes because the thing was as smooth as a baby's ass.
Did Hench think she was some sort of fucking hero or something?
With this method, how many shots would she even have before she ran out of time? She got about fifteen feet in the air. With all the accuracy she could manage, she threw it. Not even close. Iris hadn't accounted for the awkward angle that threw off her aim tremendously. With a resigned sigh, she slid down the pillar and grabbed the rope that lay hopelessly on the ground. Fuck.
Here we go again. Iris started up the pole again. Again, she failed. Three times later, fail... fail... fail. Iris was starting to get worried... and incredibly tired. It had been forty minutes and she was nowhere near close to getting the rope in.
There had to be a way to do this. Iris started feeling nervous. One more time, she tried the climbing method. She went higher than she'd gone any other time. In fact, she was about twenty five feet in the air. A few of the guardians were uneasy and afraid that she was really going to hurt herself. Iris could tell it by the noises from the balcony.
She tried not to look down. With all her strength, she wrapped her legs around the pillar to steady herself. She threw it...
She failed.
It landed in a helpless thud on the floor. Iris audibly groaned and slid back down. This was impossible.
"You have twenty minutes left," came the voice of a male guardian. She could hit that guy in the face. His words triggered rage in her. She knew damn well she was running out of time.
Iris slid down from where she hung on and was too tired to do it again. On top of that, she didn't have time to do it again. She went and grabbed the rope and just looked at the hanging bucket. She was going to fail. Gods, she wished she could just tell the bucket-holding asshole to just drop the damn thing so she could get this shit over with.
Wait just a fucking minute.
Iris had to bite her lips to hold in her laughter. She was an idiot. This wasn't a test of her determination or strength. Those were never in question. This had been a gods damned mind game. Hench had never expected her to be a hero, she'd expected it of herself. That right there. Iris finally realized her weakness --what Hench was really testing her on. Her mentor was seeing whether or not she'd stop trying to be a courageous moron and just get the damned rope in the bucket.
Iris met Hench's eyes and palmed her face. Oh, she'd made a fool of herself, hadn't she? For over an hour. A small giggle bubbled from her chest. Her mentor's lip turned up a little at the corner, and a second of understanding connected their minds. Hench knew at that moment that her trainee had finally gotten it.
Iris looked up at the man holding onto the pail-handle. "Fucking hell, just drop the bucket!"
The thing fell down to the floor in a pathetic clatter. Iris simply walked over, picked it up, put the rope inside it, and took it to Hench. She set it down right there with as much sarcastic ceremony as she could muster. "There you go. One rope in a bucket for one big asshole in black." It was a jest.
Hench gave Iris a shit-eating grin. She cleared her throat and nodded. "Pass!"
----
Iris was allowed another break. A few guardians came to congratulate her during the intermission. It was much appreciated, even if she didn't recognize them. One more test to go. Iris was worried about it too. The last two... gods, they'd been so hard. She'd come so close to failing both of them. It was truly a wonder that she'd been able to crack the code on the last one.
As she walked to the Colosseum to face her final test, she said a small prayer to whoever was listening that she'd pass it. One more and she was a Remorda Guardian. Her body, her mind, and her soul were all so tired. What else did she have to kill inside of her to earn her place here? She guessed she was about the find out.
Hench stood in the middle once more, arms behind her back. Waiting.
Iris stepped up for the final time and ducked her head. Everyone sat on the edge of their chair, listening eagerly for the third trial. After what felt like several minutes, Hench announced it. "Iris Gwenneth, you stand now to face your third and final guardian trial. This trial determines whether you are accepted or denied into our order."
Hench faced the guardians. "Sometimes, being a Remorda Guardian calls for hard decision-making!" She paced. "When the going gets tough, and the next move is placed your hands... you have to be able to make the call and make it wisely! For Iris Gwenneth's third guardian trial, I call on her to make one of the hardest decisions she's made to date."
Hench faced Iris, who looked both confused and worried. The mighty woman kept eye contact as she said, "Bring them out."
Iris was only puzzled for another second. Then, her heart dropped right into the pit of her stomach.
From the West Hall, Kayde Vorantis was brought onstage. From the East Hall, Zayn Rothstead was brought onstage. Two men held them in place.
Both Kayde and Zayn both stood twenty paces from each other and about thirty from her. They both stared directly at her. Zayn looked mightily stressed, and Kayde just looked bloody confused on why he was here. Iris couldn't breathe. Oh gods. Hench couldn't do this to her. Could she? Iris found her mentor's eyes and knew what decision she was going to have to make.
"Iris Gwenneth," Hench addressed her. "Make your choice. Walk to the man that you care for the most."
Zayn's face was unreadable and Kayde's was quite surprised. Iris swallowed the lump in her throat, and her head went into a tailspin. No no. She couldn't do this! How could she break a heart? That's how this would end no matter what. She looked between the both of them and suddenly, a memory flashed in the forefront of her mind. It was a recent one... the one where she'd theoretically saved Kayde's life instead of Zayn's.
Iris realized at that moment that Hench wasn't asking her to choose. She'd already chosen a while ago. No. Hench knew that and was asking her to live with her decision. She wanted to vomit. Gods, she did. She'd rather live through both the first and second trial again before doing this one. But she had to do it.
For all the pain, Iris had to live with herself. Iris had to follow her heart.
And so, she walked.
She dared not look in either one of their eyes as her steps led her to her choice. She stopped just short of Kayde Vorantis. A second passed, and she met his gaze. He just looked completely lost for words --like he was in a complete state of disbelief. For better or worse, she made the choice. Whether or not he still loved her, she'd put her heart with him.
Hench called. "Is this your final choice?"
Iris nodded. "Yes."
No one else was given a chance to speak. Not Kayde. Not Zayn. Not even Iris. They were escorted out without any other explanation. Everything was surreal. What had she just done? Someone whirled her around in the haze, and she once again faced her mentor. Wait. Hench was no longer her mentor...
The mighty woman just beamed at the new guardian. "Pass!" she called to an applauding crowd. "Congratulations! It is my greatest pleasure to announce that you have passed all three of my trials. Welcome, new Remorda Guardian, to our order!"
A/N -- *throws confetti and shrieks* I AM SO TIRED. UNEDITED because whatever.