[ TUCKERS POV ]
I open my eyes Slowly.
I feel the warm body next to me, her heat beating along with mine in a rhythm of ecstasy and dreams . My hand moves and I reach for her hand, unconsciously .
I close my eyes and try to stay there for a moment longer. I knew when I got up what was going to happened. What was in store for me.
It happened every morning.
I wasn’t stalling for comfort. Or for love. No. I gave up those rights a long time ago, when one girl took my heart in a jar and shattered it along with me.
The girl next to me groans and I try to remember her name. Rachelle ? I frown. No, Rachelle was the red head. I look over at the girl and see blond streaked hair, straight and messy.
Holly.
The name comes back to me like a light guiding me to heaven and I watch with half closed lids as the girl turns over and looks up at me in between the stands of her hair.
The girl was hot. But ... she was just another girl In my bed, the one thing I could always count on. There were so many that I lost count over the past years. To me, they all had the same smiles, same laughs, same hair, same everything. I was on this spinless loop of kisses and moans, beer and early mornings.
For once I wanted to wake up alone.
She smiles a sleepy smile up at me sweetly but I don’t return it. I don’t pretend to treat a girl nice, then rip away everything like a raw band aid. She and I both knew why she was here, and I couldn’t let her or me forget that.
I might be alot of thing, more bad than good, but I wasn't some heartless bastard.
She see’s my face and she sighs and rolls over on her stomach. She pushes her hair from her and sits her hand on her open palm, regarding me slightly, as if I was some mysterious painting.
"Tucker. " Her mouth works my name like it's some goddamn revaluation. "You know, I’ve met boys like you. They want one thing, get it, then leave. I could see it from the way you looked at me in the bar."
I sigh heavily and reach over for a cigarette that rested on my night stand. I grab it and put it in between my lips, my hands shaking a little. I try to flick the lighter but it seems harder than it actually looked.
My hands always seemed to shake from nerves lately.
"And still you came." I state bluntlyas I lift my head back till it hits the wall behind me and blow out the smoke, it making little swindles in the morning sun.
The girl nods her head sadly.
"It looks that way."
I would tell her it looked like a lot of things, but I don't bother. Instead, I bring the cigarette make to my lips and draw in a deep breath, my silence confirming what she already knows.
She rolls over and I watch with mild interest as she starts to zip up her jeans and throw back on her blue bra. I bring the cigarette to my lips yet again, take a deep breath, and close my eyes.
I didn’t want to be a dick. I wish I could have treated her with respect. I wish I could have gave something to look forward too. I wish I could have treated her better, with kindness.
I just didn’t know what any of that was anymore.
The girl reaches down and grabs her purse, thrusting it on her shoulder harder than I would have intended her too. She goes to the mirror and starts to finger her messy hair as I jsut stay there.
She does it a couple of times and gives up.
I look up at her and she looks back to me in the mirror. Her pale blue eyes staring at me as if she knew every bone , ever molecule , every crack in my body. She looked at me like she knew exactly what laid underneath me.
Fuck that.
She didn’t know a damn thing about me. I didn’t need the girl giving me the eyes of someone who has been where I am now. I don't need her standing there, looking at me like a map she was trying to figure out.
She leans against the mirror and lifts her chin up.
"What’s the girls name?" I turn my head and smash the cigarette into an ash tray.My hands have finally stopped shaking and I curse slightly under my breath.
I sling off the covers and still sitting, reach down for my black boxers. I don’t answer the girls question and that seems to confirm something with her.
What ? I have no idea.
"You know," She says wistfully. "Doing what you're doing isn’t helping anyone. You need to move on, find someone -"
I hold up my hand. I didn’t need to get a prep talk. I have heard it plenty of times from countless women. If I needed one of those I would have went to a fucking councilor. Hell, I would have listened to my mother on the phone when she tried calling every know and then.
I'm not a guy who likes being told what the hell he was.
I knew what I was.
And lets just say, It wasn't pretty.
The girl just sighs and I stand and reach for my jeans . The girl is still there and she watches me buckle my pants, hopefully she enjoy's the show.
Her eyes drink me in almost resentfully and I try not to smile. Apparently last night wasn't enough for the chick. I lean back against the wall, one foot propped up and my hands in my pockets.
"Lets get straight to it. I don’t want to be a bigger prick then I already am but I have to go to work." I say to her softly. I could have been harder about it, or I could have just left her standing there, but from the way she's chewing on her lip I realize maybe showing a little sympathy wouldn't hurt.
Me and the girl both know I don’t work till night time. It was the same thing I say to every girl to get her to leave and never come back. Pushing away girls was easy, keeping them was someting of a different matter.
Not that I wanted to keep them, that is.
Some get the point, some leave before I even get a chance to say anything, and some get pissed and end up taking a swipe at me.
And I let them.
The girl smiles a small smile and I know she is of the first group.
" Whoever the girl is, she messed you up deep."
She nods her head like she understands and starts to head to the door. Her feet seem to glide her there with grace, and despite the fact I was a dick to her, she still held her chin high and had her back straight . I watch her go, still leaning against the wall.
Unmoving.
Like so many other things in my life.
She opens the door but before she heads out tonever be seen again, she looks over her shoulder. She takes one last sweep of the room and her eyes finally land on me. In that moment, I realize her eyes reminded me of the ocean.
"Just because one girl broke your heat, doesn’t mean you have the right to break others." and I watch as the door shuts behind her, slaming almost like it was mocking me.
My hand starts shaking again when I reach pver for another cigarette. The lighter keeps moving out of my reach when I flick it and it takes me awhile to make it to the flame.
Fuck !
I slam my fist into the wall, not even caring about the pain now spreading up my arm. My nerves finally calm down , with each breath of the poisonous cancer stick, and I sit it in my mouth and walk over to my dresser.
I pull it open and Inside I see 3 letters.
Each one has the same mailing address and the same name. I pick up the first on the pile. I turn it around in my hand and look at the back seal.
Unopened.
Sealed.
With my right hand still holding the envelope, I bring my left hand out and grab my cancer stick and take a puff. I don't bother watching the smoke leave my lips, my eyes still focused on the black ink incased on the outside.
I stare at the name until my vision turns into nothing but fuzz.
From; Brooke.
And I sit the letter back into the resting place of the one girl who has ever had my heart.
My cold, dead , boken heart .