I had been staring at the same spot on the wall of my bunk for the last hour or two. I had lost track of time awhile ago. I hadn’t talked to Devin or Ricky since the whole incident and that was a week ago. I had only gotten out of my bunk to play, go to signings, and use the bathroom over the last week. I was confused, upset, depressed. I hated this feeling. I had been crying a lot, too. I think it was unhealthy the amount of tears I shed over the last week. I just didn’t have the strength to do anything but lay there. I think I might have felt worse than the first and last time I had a hangover.
Suddenly, the curtain of my bunk was ripped open and light flooded into the coffin-like space. I was so glad I had my back to the curtain. “Go away,” I ordered, not wanting to turn around. I had no idea who had ruin my peaceful self pity session, but I didn’t want to talk to them.
“Midnight, you need to go talk to Ricky before we leave,” Jeremy’s voice commanded. I heaved out a sigh. I thought he understood that I just needed to cry it our and I’d be ok eventually.
“He made it pretty clear that he didn’t want to talk to me anymore,” I responded, finally turning around in my bunk. I looked up at Jeremy, hoping he would just leave.
“Midnight, this is ridiculous. You both love each other a lot and it’s all a big misunderstanding. To be honest, I can’t believe Devin kissed you when he knew you and Ricky were together, but you need to tell Ricky what happened,” Jeremy exclaimed, obviously aggravated with me. He looked pained just saying it.
“He doesn’t want to hear what happened, Jeremy,” I insisted. It hurt to think about Ricky not being my boyfriend anymore - emotionally and physically.
“If you don’t go talk to him, you’re gonna regret it,” Jeremy pleaded. I could tell he really wanted us to makeup and go back to being cute and in love, but I knew it whatever I did wouldn’t work.
“Fine,” I groaned, clearly angered. I wasn’t actually going to go talk to Ricky. I would just get up and walk around for awhile and lie and say I couldn’t find him.
“Really? You’re actually going to go talk to him?” Jeremy asked excitedly. I reluctantly climbed out of my bunk. I knew I looked ridiculous. I had taken my makeup off and changed back into my pajamas after we played.
I quickly changed my clothes and pulled the hood of my jumper up so no one would notice my puffy, makeup-less eyes. I really just wanted to crawl back into my bunk and cry myself to sleep, but I knew that wasn’t an option if I wanted to shut Jeremy up.
As I stepped out of the bus, the sunlight nearly blinded me. Unfortunately, my plan to avoid all contact with other humans didn’t work out too well because I saw Chris. He gave me a small, sad smile and strolled over to me.
“Hey, what’s going on with you and Ricky? He won’t talk about it,” Chris questioned. I could tell he was just worried about us, but I didn’t want to talk about it. Just thinking about it made my body ache.
I just shrugged, not wanting to talk about it. It had been awhile since I had an actual, full fledge conversation with someone other than Jeremy. “You can tell me, Midnight,” he pleaded and I knew there was no way to get around it.
I let out a sigh and I could feel the tears welling up just thinking about what happened. “Devin kissed me and Ricky saw,” I answered my voice cracking mid-sentence. I knew I shouldn’t have come out of my bunk.
“Did you explain what happened to Ricky?” Chris questioned soothingly. I quickly shook my head because I wasn’t able to speak. The tears in my eyes were threatening to fall and I hated crying in front of people. I never thought I’d be this upset over a guy. “Well, maybe you should. I know he’s really upset, too,” Chris insisted. I really had no desire to go talk to Ricky. Yes, I wanted to makeup with him, but I didn’t have the courage to go talk to him.
A moment later, my phone buzzed. I was half hoping that it would be Ricky, but it was Jeremy telling me that we were leaving in fifteen minutes. In fifteen minutes, we’d drive away from this place and I may never see Ricky again I knew deep down I should find him and make things right. I knew I should, but I couldn’t. It was too late. I’m sure he was moving on without me. He didn’t need me. As much as Chris tried to tell me otherwise, I knew I was just a bump in the road to him. Nothing special.
I told Chris that I had to get back to the bus. I could tell he was disappointed that I wasn’t going to go talk to Ricky, but he let me go without a fight thankfully. I just wasn’t ready. I’d probably just end up crying the whole time if I tried to talk to him.
I knew this whole relationship thing would end up with me getting hurt. I was so done with letting people in. My best friend ruined my first relationship, my first boyfriend assumed I cheated on him, my other friends were trying to push me to make up with my first boyfriend. Why couldn’t everyone just leave me alone? When I got home, I wasn’t leaving my room for the two weeks we were home. I wanted no human contact at all. I was so sick of people trying to help me with my problems; trying to make things right for me when nothing was right. I should be kissing Ricky goodbye right now, not crying over the fact that we had broken up. I should be sad to go home not happy to be able to not talk to anyone for two weeks. Nothing was ever going to be right again.
A few minutes later, I was getting back on our bus and Jeremy was pouncing on me. “So, how did it go?” he questioned excitedly. He was smiling, but as soon as he saw my face, his smile quickly faded.
“I couldn’t find him,” I lied. He’d never find out. None of us would ever see Motionless In White again if I had my way.
“Did you really try?” Blake asked. He knew I didn’t really want to talk to Ricky, so he saw through my lie. They all knew me too well to believe me.
“Yes!” I claimed. I could tell by their faces they didn’t believe one word of what I said, but they let it go. I think they were all afraid they’d set me off if they pushed too much.
I then changed into my pajamas and crawled into my bunk, thankful to be left alone for the long ride home.
*************************
As I stepped off the bus in front of my aunt’s house, I prepared myself for all the questions from Aunt Addy. I wasn’t sure if Jeremy had called her and told her what had happened already, but as soon as she saw me, she would know something was up.
Jeremy helped me get my bags to the front door. I was about to knock because I couldn’t find my keys with all my stuff in my hands when the door swung open. Aunt Addy had probably seen us pull up. Her smile quickly faded when she saw me. My hood was pulled over my head again and my eyes were puffy from crying this morning. Something Blake had said reminded me of Ricky and I had started to bawl. I was an emotional reck to put it lightly.
“Honey, are you ok?” Aunt Addy questioned before she even said hello. That’s when I burst out into tears again. Like I said, emotional reck. I hadn’t gone a day without crying since the whole thing happened. My aunt then pulled me into a tight hug, which just make me cry harder. “Let’s go inside and talk,” she suggested soothing, rubbing my back. She dragged me into the living room as Jeremy climbed the stairs to my room to put my stuff away.
I cried well after I heard the guys pull away. I thought I’d be over this by now. I thought I had cried enough tears over Ricky, but I was dead wrong.
“Sweetie, what happened? When we left you were so happy,” my aunt saif after I calmed down a bit. I felt like I’d never be ok again.
“Devin kissed me and Ricky saw and he wouldn’t let me explain what happened and I miss him,” I rambled on. I had to take a deep breath so I wouldn’t start crying again.
“Devin your friend or Devin from Ricky’s band?” she questioned. I could never imagine Devin from Motionless In White kissing, but then again I could never imagine Devin my friend kissing me before this either.
“Devin my friend,” I replied with a sniffle/ Her eyes got wide in disbelief. She looked just as shocked as I and felt when it first happened.
“He kissed you when he knew you were with Ricky?” she exclaimed. All I could do was nod. In my mind, all I could see was Ricky’s disappointed face. “Well, that’s screwed up,” she murmured.
“Did you make it clear to Devin that you don’t like him in that way?” she asked. I hadn’t spoken to Devin since it happened, but I’m pretty sure he got the message.
“Well, I didn’t sat it but I think he knows,” I responded, rubbing at my puffy eyes. Why did relationships have to be so complicated?
“Well, maybe you should start by calling him and telling him that you only want to be friends,” she suggested. I blew out a sigh. That was about the last thing I wanted to do. I wished things could just fix themselves, but I knew that wasn’t going to happen.